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Post by Pinkberry on Oct 17, 2016 17:07:20 GMT -5
I agree. Just because you divorce does not mean the family unit does not exist. My ex and I went to dinner with the kids tonight. @phinheasgage , thank you for reading my story and paying close attention to it. Yes, sex began to dwindle even before marriage. I do understand what you say when you say "she took control of the relationship when you agreed to marry her". I agree. My past has deeply influenced me in ways that I have only began to realize in the past 5 years. I know today that I have some co-dependent tendencies. Hindsight, I see my path to how I arrived here. I would not have made that choice today. Yes leaving for me is extremely difficult. I have wondered long and hard if it will tear me apart. I love my children and to hurt them by leaving may devastate me. I am the bread winner. I earn over 6 figures where my wife works part time and barely brings in 5 figures. We make ends meet now but just barely and we have some debt. She has no health insurance through her part time job. She has no degree, and not enough energy to return to college. So what can I do? @bballgril, I hope to be able to have what you have and be able to spend time with my kids and ex in a co-parenting friendship type of way. I have the beginning of a plan forming, which I need to post and get feedback on. I have 3 courses to go before I complete an MBA. I have already told my wife I plan on getting a second job afterwards so that we can payoff our debt. I have a couple of friends who are divorced, who I am fairly certain would allow me to rent out a room. Worst case I could possible rent a room from my mother. I will ask for a separation not a divorce. This way my wife can stay on my health insurance. I worry that my need to support my family and my ex will hinder any woman from wanting to be in a serious relationship with me in the future. That is how I am and what I need to do, so yes I have baggage, they will either take it or leave it. The bold is mine. If insurance is a concern, you could get divorced and have it written into the decree that you will pay for her to have whatever insurance she chooses. The ACA makes it relatively easy to get an insurance plan and it sounds like you could afford to do that for her. If I were you, I might have that set up until such time as the kids are out of the house. Just because she hasn't worked much so far doesn't mean she isn't capable. As for other women, having obligations spelled out in a court order is important. Supporting your ex-wife because you consider her somehow too delicate to manage on her own would likely not go over well with anyone seeking a real relationship. Supporting her in ways that are ordered by the judge, even if you agreed to it, is different and what you agreed to before getting involved with someone else is not particularly relevant. In my experience there is nothing in a court order that says that you offered up one thing or another only what is agreed upon. If I were getting into a new relationship after this, I might simply say, "This is what we were able to agree to, so that is what is in the court requirements." You are not obligated to elaborate. And really, no other woman has the right to step in and dictate what is and is not an appropriate level of financial support for your ex-wife. While I am a Christian, I ignored most of the religious portions of The Total Money Makeover, but the methods of getting out of debt are valid and workable. Might I suggest that if you do get a second job that you consider using the principles in this book. They are sound financially, regardless of your religious background or lack thereof. It will not only help you meet your goals as quickly as possible, but will help with setting and meeting milestones, which can be so uplifting in a situation where very little seems positive. |
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 18, 2016 8:10:15 GMT -5
@phinheasgage , thank you for reading my story and paying close attention to it. Yes, sex began to dwindle even before marriage. I do understand what you say when you say "she took control of the relationship when you agreed to marry her". I agree. My past has deeply influenced me in ways that I have only began to realize in the past 5 years. I know today that I have some co-dependent tendencies. Hindsight, I see my path to how I arrived here. I would not have made that choice today. Yes leaving for me is extremely difficult. I have wondered long and hard if it will tear me apart. I love my children and to hurt them by leaving may devastate me. I am the bread winner. I earn over 6 figures where my wife works part time and barely brings in 5 figures. We make ends meet now but just barely and we have some debt. She has no health insurance through her part time job. She has no degree, and not enough energy to return to college. So what can I do? @bballgril, I hope to be able to have what you have and be able to spend time with my kids and ex in a co-parenting friendship type of way. I have the beginning of a plan forming, which I need to post and get feedback on. I have 3 courses to go before I complete an MBA. I have already told my wife I plan on getting a second job afterwards so that we can payoff our debt. I have a couple of friends who are divorced, who I am fairly certain would allow me to rent out a room. Worst case I could possible rent a room from my mother. I will ask for a separation not a divorce. This way my wife can stay on my health insurance. I worry that my need to support my family and my ex will hinder any woman from wanting to be in a serious relationship with me in the future. That is how I am and what I need to do, so yes I have baggage, they will either take it or leave it. The bold is mine. If insurance is a concern, you could get divorced and have it written into the decree that you will pay for her to have whatever insurance she chooses. The ACA makes it relatively easy to get an insurance plan and it sounds like you could afford to do that for her. If I were you, I might have that set up until such time as the kids are out of the house. Just because she hasn't worked much so far doesn't mean she isn't capable. As for other women, having obligations spelled out in a court order is important. Supporting your ex-wife because you consider her somehow too delicate to manage on her own would likely not go over well with anyone seeking a real relationship. Supporting her in ways that are ordered by the judge, even if you agreed to it, is different and what you agreed to before getting involved with someone else is not particularly relevant. In my experience there is nothing in a court order that says that you offered up one thing or another only what is agreed upon. If I were getting into a new relationship after this, I might simply say, "This is what we were able to agree to, so that is what is in the court requirements." You are not obligated to elaborate. And really, no other woman has the right to step in and dictate what is and is not an appropriate level of financial support for your ex-wife. While I am a Christian, I ignored most of the religious portions of The Total Money Makeover, but the methods of getting out of debt are valid and workable. Might I suggest that if you do get a second job that you consider using the principles in this book. They are sound financially, regardless of your religious background or lack thereof. It will not only help you meet your goals as quickly as possible, but will help with setting and meeting milestones, which can be so uplifting in a situation where very little seems positive. Thank you Pinkberry! Your reply helped me see that there are other possibilities. Asking for a divorce may prompt her to push herself to work more. Stress, lack of rest, makes Lupus flare, so I have concerns that the opposite will be the result, but you are correct I may very well be suprised. I will look at the Total Money Makeover. |
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 18, 2016 10:15:56 GMT -5
I'm not so sure that subjugating ones own aspirations, ambitions, dreams and future is such a great idea for ones own happiness, or indeed the happiness of other involved parties. In life, 'some' sacrifice for the greater good is necessary, but turning it in to a raison d'être does not appear to be all that wise. - If you set yourself up to be the one who does all the sacrificing, you run the real risk of educating the other parties in the dynamic that 'they' don't have to make any sacrifices for the greater good themselves, because YOU will do it for them. - Comes a time later on when it is THEIR turn to step up to the plate and make a sacrifice for the greater good, and they are clueless as to how this might be done, unpracticed in doing in such a thing within appropriate boundaries and in fact unable to do so due to a complete lack of skills in this aspect of life. - Is that doing them any favours longer term ? You are correct baza! They have become dependent on me. I allowed it, Hell I strive on it, due to my co-dependency issues. I have "taken care of" others since I was 15 years old. Thank you baza. The therapy seems to working. I'll keep coming back! |
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