... or,
"Desire is in the Eye of the Beholder"That little quirk of theirs… is it endearing or irritating? Is that gesture romantic or creepy? Is someone flirting, or pressuring for sex? Is something exciting or frightening? Arousing or perverted?
So much is determined by how we choose to "receive" the world around us.It usually sneaks up slowly, but one day a refuser no longer sees their spouse as desirable. Loving gestures don't come naturally anymore, and they start to receive their spouse's actions differently. Things that used to bring excitement to the relationship go unnoticed, or worse, they're seen as "pressuring"… reminders that their spouse is unhappy.
The trouble is, this is a two-way street. As much as we might try to be positive and keep the spark alive, constantly being refused eventually takes its toll on us… in ways we may not realize.
As time goes on, even in a relationship where "everything else is good", we're constantly reminded that intimacy with the refuser is wrong. And even though we stubbornly continue pushing for intimacy, our subconscious starts to see the refuser very differently.
The emotional bond deteriorates; a loss of "connectedness" creeps in; an inexplicable "distance" emerges. Some describe it as a lack of intimacy, a lack of romance, or that basic desire has vanished.
Then, one day we can't take it any more. We give up trying. At some point it becomes clear to the refuser that the game is over; we're planning to leave. A light bulb finally turns on in the refuser's mind.
Suddenly, it's like somebody flipped a switch… the refuser becomes affectionate and sexual. Sometimes gradually, sometimes dramatically - but they're trying! They might swear it's because we've changed, but really they're reacting in desperation. But damn it, they're finally giving us exactly what we've been begging for!
Except we don't want it! We don't even understand why; we're confused and conflicted. The tables have turned and now we're the refuser! But to make matters worse, we still have our libido - we still want romance, intimacy, and sex… we just don't want it with our spouse. It feels unnatural with them, maybe even perverse.
Early on, a regular fuck actually *would* have fixed the problem. But as time goes on, the damage compounds and the repair job becomes exponentially harder. Meanwhile, we got stuck in a groove campaigning for regular sex, not realizing that train had left the station. The spark has been fully snuffed out, and simply restoring things as they were does not fix the problem now.
The problem is, they refused us for so long that somewhere along the way our attitude changed toward them. Except many of us didn't see it sneak up - we've been distracted by trying to salvage the marriage. Then one day the refuser makes a turnaround, and it's then we discover we don't actually want the change we've been fighting for all this time. At least not with the refuser.
And so, I'm beginning to think that refusing is a dangerously slippery slope - it starts a cascade of changes that ultimately become overwhelming. It progresses to a point where climbing back up the slope just isn't worth the effort, and even then it's just for a partial recovery. At some point it becomes far smarter to dust yourself off and just walk on down the road instead. And coming to accept this truth is perhaps the hardest part of a sexless marriage.
I find myself in this very boat today, and it's disturbing. For 20 years I continued to press for a physical relationship in the face of heartbreaking indifference. Now, after a "wake-up call" event, suddenly W *wants* sex. But I can't trust that she's being genuine; I *know* it's purely reactive, whether she realizes it or not. And worse… I can't enjoy it; it feels wrong. WTF? I don't want sex?!
No… I still want sex. And passion. Intimacy. Romance. Kissing. Touching. Flirting. All the desires that W has conditioned me to suppress with her. Not surprisingly, she still doesn't want those things. And I'm tired of trying to climb back up the slope.
DC
[Originally posted Jan 11, 2011]
