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Post by smilin61 on Aug 11, 2016 9:21:10 GMT -5
I'm working on my list of "needs", they aren't in any particular order of importance because they are ALL important to me. It's not easy to sort through all of the emotions and ideas to come up with what are truly NEEDS for me, not 'wants', or 'would be nice to haves'. I realize that in reading them, there are many things that I assume are included and others may not understand. I'd love to know if your lists look anything like mine, or if anyone else has had the same difficulty that I did in even allowing myself to say "this is what I need".
Trust- someone who I totally trust will always treat me with love and kindness.
Respect- someone who respects me, my thoughts, feelings, desires, hopes, wants and needs. Who honors my right to make my own choices and will respect them even if they don’t agree with or understand them.
Self awareness- someone with the capacity for introspection, who wants to look honestly at their own personality, including strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, beliefs, motivation, and emotions.
Emotional Intelligence- someone who is aware of, can control, and express their emotions, and will handle interpersonal relationships with fairness and empathy.
Empathy- someone with the ability and desire to identify with and understand the wants, needs, and viewpoints of others.
Honesty- someone who is honest and open with me and knows how to do this with respect and kindness.
Communication- someone who is able and wants to talk about their feelings, thoughts, desires, hopes, wants and needs, and wants to listen to mine.
Physical Intimacy- someone who enjoys and has a strong desire to touch, hug, kiss and share their body with me.
Self Regulation- someone with the ability to control their emotions and impulses, who is able to think before they act.
Self Esteem- someone who values themselves and is able to say no, and stand up for their beliefs in a loving way.
Social Skills- someone who is accepting, and at ease with others and has the confidence to be themselves in social situations.
Emotional Intimacy- someone who wants to connect, spend time with me, and shows interest in being a partner in ways that fulfill us both and create a strong relationship.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2016 10:19:21 GMT -5
If these are all non negotiables in a relationship, then they are needs, because if any are lacking, you'll be settling. And a relationship you haven't settled for is a need.
Especially given that many refusers are emotional children, emotional intelligence is critical.
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Post by unmatched on Aug 11, 2016 17:43:38 GMT -5
It is funny, there is nothing on that list that I don't agree with. But I looked at it and my first thought was, 'That is asking a lot.' Although when I Look at it again, it isn't really. I think I have just got very willing to settle for less. And maybe I don't really feel like I deserve all that.
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Post by petrushka on Aug 11, 2016 18:33:50 GMT -5
In other words (this is a bit like tinyurl for the list): a well rounded, emotionally grown up, adult, partner.
My list looks pretty much the same, only I'd declare mine to be the 'wish list'. Realistically, I do
not think I'll get it filled perfectly by one other person: we're all human and we all have failings.
I do not presume to expect my partner to be perfect in all situations, and at all times.
That's me, trying to be adult about it :-)
What I would add is: politically and spiritually compatible. And I mean that in terms of 'social politics',
starting with the family, moving on to friends and the social/local environment. Would you want an
insular isolationist who hates socializing and/or eating at the same table with other people? Could you
put up with someone who spends every other evening (and half their money) at the temple of their
sect/cult? Not me.
Would I enter a relationship with someone who keeps their money as 'my money' and uses 'our money'
to spend (i.e. the money I bring in)? That's politics, too.
I am tolerant, but there's got to be some commonality of purpose.
Also: responsible.
Taking responsibility for their actions and being fiscally responsible as part of that - this is non
negotiable for me.
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Post by baza on Aug 11, 2016 19:51:44 GMT -5
I tend to look at this issue from the opposite end.
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There are some great (and core) values mentioned in the responses so far.
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"I" want to have those attributes, in myself.
They are what "I" aspire to.
"I" would love to be that person who has their shit sorted out and exhibits these wonderful qualities already mentioned.
"I" want that for me.
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Essentially, I figure that if "I" have these attributes, then I am highly likely to be able to be a good and contributing partner in an adult relationship. And, I might attract someone with similar attributes in to my orbit.
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Now, truth be told I actually AM in the relationship of my life with Ms enna, and in this situation I think aspiring to those above attributes can't help but underpin and strengthen the relationship.
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But essentially, I would like to have all of these great attributes, for ME.
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I can aspire to these things, and do something about acquiring them / enhancing them myself.
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I can do fuck all about someone else's attributes or aspirations.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 11, 2016 20:06:47 GMT -5
I'm working on my list of "needs", they aren't in any particular order of importance because they are ALL important to me. It's not easy to sort through all of the emotions and ideas to come up with what are truly NEEDS for me, not 'wants', or 'would be nice to haves'. I realize that in reading them, there are many things that I assume are included and others may not understand. I'd love to know if your lists look anything like mine, or if anyone else has had the same difficulty that I did in even allowing myself to say "this is what I need".
Trust- someone who I totally trust will always treat me with love and kindness.
Respect- someone who respects me, my thoughts, feelings, desires, hopes, wants and needs. Who honors my right to make my own choices and will respect them even if they don’t agree with or understand them.
Self awareness- someone with the capacity for introspection, who wants to look honestly at their own personality, including strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, beliefs, motivation, and emotions.
Emotional Intelligence- someone who is aware of, can control, and express their emotions, and will handle interpersonal relationships with fairness and empathy.
Empathy- someone with the ability and desire to identify with and understand the wants, needs, and viewpoints of others.
Honesty- someone who is honest and open with me and knows how to do this with respect and kindness.
Communication- someone who is able and wants to talk about their feelings, thoughts, desires, hopes, wants and needs, and wants to listen to mine.
Physical Intimacy- someone who enjoys and has a strong desire to touch, hug, kiss and share their body with me.
Self Regulation- someone with the ability to control their emotions and impulses, who is able to think before they act.
Self Esteem- someone who values themselves and is able to say no, and stand up for their beliefs in a loving way.
Social Skills- someone who is accepting, and at ease with others and has the confidence to be themselves in social situations.
Emotional Intimacy- someone who wants to connect, spend time with me, and shows interest in being a partner in ways that fulfill us both and create a strong relationship.
I do find myself telling others about my failing marriage. The first, most rehearsed line is "that I live in a loveless, sexless marriage." then I am quick to say, " that has lead to a lack of trust, and respect, I can not live twenty thirty more years like that". so without sitting down and writing it out I so agree with your thoughts. I obviously will want those things in the future, and strive to give those to someone else. Another strong factor is " setting a good example for my teenage children of what a working relationship should be." Much like your list! Bravo! |
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Post by smilin61 on Aug 11, 2016 22:05:10 GMT -5
I tend to look at this issue from the opposite end. - There are some great (and core) values mentioned in the responses so far. - "I" want to have those attributes, in myself. They are what "I" aspire to. "I" would love to be that person who has their shit sorted out and exhibits these wonderful qualities already mentioned. "I" want that for me. - Essentially, I figure that if "I" have these attributes, then I am highly likely to be able to be a good and contributing partner in an adult relationship. And, I might attract someone with similar attributes in to my orbit. - Now, truth be told I actually AM in the relationship of my life with Ms enna, and in this situation I think aspiring to those above attributes can't help but underpin and strengthen the relationship. - But essentially, I would like to have all of these great attributes, for ME. - I can aspire to these things, and do something about acquiring them / enhancing them myself. - I can do fuck all about someone else's attributes or aspirations. I agree, Baz. I realized when trying to make a list that these are all qualities I am working on in myself. All are things I strive to be able to bring to my next partnership, and hope to find someone equally committed to doing the same. I'm very aware of where I need work, and really hope that all of this 'self knowledge' will help me make better choices... |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 11, 2016 22:22:33 GMT -5
When I look at the list it doesn't seem so far fetched.
These are qualities that make a person a decent person.
I realize nobody is perfect and some people may be better at some than others. The key is knowing which ones are deal breakers for you.
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Post by smilin61 on Aug 11, 2016 22:38:09 GMT -5
In other words (this is a bit like tinyurl for the list): a well rounded, emotionally grown up, adult, partner. My list looks pretty much the same, only I'd declare mine to be the 'wish list'. Realistically, I do not think I'll get it filled perfectly by one other person: we're all human and we all have failings. I do not presume to expect my partner to be perfect in all situations, and at all times. That's me, trying to be adult about it :-) What I would add is: politically and spiritually compatible. And I mean that in terms of 'social politics', starting with the family, moving on to friends and the social/local environment. Would you want an insular isolationist who hates socializing and/or eating at the same table with other people? Could you put up with someone who spends every other evening (and half their money) at the temple of their sect/cult? Not me. Would I enter a relationship with someone who keeps their money as 'my money' and uses 'our money' to spend (i.e. the money I bring in)? That's politics, too. I am tolerant, but there's got to be some commonality of purpose. Also: responsible. Taking responsibility for their actions and being fiscally responsible as part of that - this is non negotiable for me. Yep. I thought about a category for those things as well, but for me they fall under other headings I listed... I might have to rethink that if I ever use this list for anything other than my own awareness.  |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 12, 2016 6:38:35 GMT -5
In other words (this is a bit like tinyurl for the list): a well rounded, emotionally grown up, adult, partner. My list looks pretty much the same, only I'd declare mine to be the 'wish list'. Realistically, I do not think I'll get it filled perfectly by one other person: we're all human and we all have failings. I do not presume to expect my partner to be perfect in all situations, and at all times. That's me, trying to be adult about it :-) What I would add is: politically and spiritually compatible. And I mean that in terms of 'social politics', starting with the family, moving on to friends and the social/local environment. Would you want an insular isolationist who hates socializing and/or eating at the same table with other people? Could you put up with someone who spends every other evening (and half their money) at the temple of their sect/cult? Not me. Would I enter a relationship with someone who keeps their money as 'my money' and uses 'our money' to spend (i.e. the money I bring in)? That's politics, too. I am tolerant, but there's got to be some commonality of purpose. Also: responsible. Taking responsibility for their actions and being fiscally responsible as part of that - this is non negotiable for me. Responsibility and reliability are huge for me. I made a list of ten things I would want in a man I was in a relationship with. Number 1 was reliable ahead of sex. I was married to a very neglectful unreliable man. First day of school is Monday and he has the kids. I am fearing that the kids are going to be late the first day. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 12, 2016 7:01:02 GMT -5
Your last question, " has anyone else had difficulty in allowing myself to say, this is what I need?"
I think that has been a big issue for many on this site. We are givers, and a controlling, refuser is a taker. Allowing yourself to realize it's not selfish to have your needs met. To have and enforce boundaries.
I noticed you used the word kindness, twice. An important need of yours? To be shown kindness, and to have your kindness appreciated. Between us let's start calling it taking and giving, (instead of giving and taking) we have done the giving part!
Politeness and manners are something that used to be highly sought after in society. I believe at our age it still is.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 12, 2016 7:22:53 GMT -5
Your question about needs reminds me off a heated discussion between me and my wife. I think it explained my needs in one sentence.
While trying to communicate, and come to an agreement about having sex more than once a year, my wife said" I don't think I will ever be ready". I Told her "to get off her lazy ass and stop sitting playing games every night". She said , " my language was disrespectful, I do not have to tolerate that" and walked away. I think that was the first time I ever said a curse word to her. I followed her and said, " disrespect, disrespect ? You give me the greatest disrespect of all by disrespecting my needs for sex for over 14 years!" She had nothing to say.
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 12, 2016 22:28:23 GMT -5
It is a good and interesting list. I personally have a shorter list. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2016 18:16:32 GMT -5
I just want to say first that I am impressed by everyone's ideas and communication on this thread!
Second, Smilin61, you indeed listed critical qualities everyone should have or strive to have. But I think the hard thing is assessing those qualities in others that you seek. They will change with time. Sometimes being too strong in one category which may be bad.
For example Honesty; if you used a scale of 1(dishonest) to 10(the pope), you may rate Boulderbob a 6 in that category and DryCreek a 9. I think the problem is being able to not be biased in your judgement. After a couple of weeks or months you can be accurate but people always put on airs to get you to like them initially. (except for you DryCreek)
Let's say someone is too empathetic, he may feel the need to help others who he perceives are in greater need (Not the best example) over you.
My assessment of my being able to judge a person's quality has taken a huge hit now because I have been in 2 SM relationships, and both did not have the same qualities when I met them as they have taken on 10 years later.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 13, 2016 18:48:43 GMT -5
I just want to say first that I am impressed by everyone's ideas and communication on this thread! Second, Smilin61, you indeed listed critical qualities everyone should have or strive to have. But I think the hard thing is assessing those qualities in others that you seek. They will change with time. Sometimes being too strong in one category which may be bad. For example Honesty; if you used a scale of 1(dishonest) to 10(the pope), you may rate Boulderbob a 6 in that category and DryCreek a 9. I think the problem is being able to not be biased in your judgement. After a couple of weeks or months you can be accurate but people always put on airs to get you to like them initially. (except for you DryCreek) Let's say someone is too empathetic, he may feel the need to help others who he perceives are in greater need (Not the best example) over you. My assessment of my being able to judge a person's quality has taken a huge hit now because I have been in 2 SM relationships, and both did not have the same qualities when I met them as they have taken on 10 years later. That's a good point. When you first meet someone they are acting on their best behavior, putting their best face on, and they get you to fall in love and marry them. After the marriage things start to change and it's human nature for couples to take each other for granted but it's the sex and the intimacy that makes those bumps in a relationship bearable. I personally feel like marriage sounds like prison. If I ever meet a man and it turns into a long term relationship - I don't see the need for marriage. I think that helps to keep couples from taking each other for granted. Marriages should come with renewals like we do our auto tags. |
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