lr79
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Posts: 12
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Post by lr79 on Dec 8, 2023 17:38:15 GMT -5
Well im back here....wish i had some positive update....but no
Still nothing sex wise since july 2021...and Christmas is always a time of hell for me - not because im anti Christmas but because it flares upmy jealousy and envy of others a million percent more ie those who have childrem, good sex lives etc after all babies dont happen by immaculate conception lets face it!
Me and wife have argued pretty much every weekend for the last month and its silly things like housework, scuffed tyres on her car, her fretting over silly things with her job that then blow up and always come back to how we haven't had children yet because of her wanting to qualify to be nurse at uni 5 years ago
My feeling is having been together 14 years married for 9.5 we should NOT still be waiting to start a family it should have happened LONG ago
So just living with tons of regrets that i didnt have any confidence with girls (probably never have) this is deep rooted from my first crush at 11 or 12 knocking me back when i asked her out and i cried for hours over it
Im stuck....read through previous advice but none of it helps....ive given up ever finding anyone else before i even try even had dreams or visions more than once lately of trying speed dating and then finding out after that no one was interested in me plus there are a few girls i like in that way where i work but either they are spoken for (so jealous of their partners) or the single ones like me and think im a nice guy as a friend but i know for a fact they wont like me in thst way or indeed be repulsed that i like them in that way (story of my life)
And prospect of divorce worries me in lots of ways (know im not alone on thst judging by comments on here) financially would lose house and money, prospect of starting over at 45 is terrifying and wont get me any closer to having children
Got those same feelings that i just dont belong and things are never going to get better as i lie here wide awake and struggling to sleep while wife sleeps soundly
Im despondent and lost and not like talking to wife is an option (see previous messages for why)
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 14, 2023 7:02:37 GMT -5
Me and wife have argued pretty much every weekend for the last month and its silly things like housework, scuffed tyres on her car, her fretting over silly things with her job that then blow up and always come back to how we haven't had children yet because of her wanting to qualify to be nurse at uni 5 years ago My feeling is having been together 14 years married for 9.5 we should NOT still be waiting to start a family it should have happened LONG ago For clarity, she did qualify? Or failed to qualify 5 years ago. Is she holding off on family until she DOES qualify, or did she qualify and she's not developed a new reason/excuse for putting off motherhood? The phrase "actions speak louder than words" comes to mind. My ex-fiancée did not want children but dreadfully feared telling me so. We broke up and I did not mourn the loss quite as much because she did confess her wish to avoid motherhood. Different when you're 45 and she's 39, to be sure. If your wife went into menopause tomorrow, what might you do? Leave for a fertile woman? Adopt? Any chance you have nephews and nieces to invest in? (each is genetically half a child to you) If mother nature were to make the decision for you, could you reconcile having no children and seeking others to care about? (family, friends, those nephews and nieces I spoke of) Is teh bickering a resentment at your wife's obstinance in being a parent with you? Could acceptance of couplehood improve the dynamic and make the relationship you have pleasant in lieu of a relationship your wife is actively fighting against forming via celibacy? Is any of this being covered in the counseling you said you had begun? (Did you begin it? Did you stop?)
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lr79
New Member
Posts: 12
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Post by lr79 on Dec 22, 2023 13:05:55 GMT -5
Me and wife have argued pretty much every weekend for the last month and its silly things like housework, scuffed tyres on her car, her fretting over silly things with her job that then blow up and always come back to how we haven't had children yet because of her wanting to qualify to be nurse at uni 5 years ago My feeling is having been together 14 years married for 9.5 we should NOT still be waiting to start a family it should have happened LONG ago For clarity, she did qualify? Or failed to qualify 5 years ago. Is she holding off on family until she DOES qualify, or did she qualify and she's not developed a new reason/excuse for putting off motherhood? The phrase "actions speak louder than words" comes to mind. My ex-fiancée did not want children but dreadfully feared telling me so. We broke up and I did not mourn the loss quite as much because she did confess her wish to avoid motherhood. Different when you're 45 and she's 39, to be sure. If your wife went into menopause tomorrow, what might you do? Leave for a fertile woman? Adopt? Any chance you have nephews and nieces to invest in? (each is genetically half a child to you) If mother nature were to make the decision for you, could you reconcile having no children and seeking others to care about? (family, friends, those nephews and nieces I spoke of) Is teh bickering a resentment at your wife's obstinance in being a parent with you? Could acceptance of couplehood improve the dynamic and make the relationship you have pleasant in lieu of a relationship your wife is actively fighting against forming via celibacy? Is any of this being covered in the counseling you said you had begun? (Did you begin it? Did you stop?) So she qualified back in 2019....at the time was told once shes been in job 2 years we would try....of course that didnt happen Latest promise is she starts job in a private sector in new year so says once through her probation but i can almost guarantee either she will change job coz she doesnt like it there or she will enjoy job and not want to temporarily give it up Id be reluctant to adopt as the child will never truly be mine etc sounds selfish i know Nieces and nephews out of question as we hardly see them for various family reasons and not a good substitute for never having own child when its my dream Ive already subconsciously decided if we dont have children in 3-5 years that we will end things wish i had the confidence to find soneone else but ive given up on that before ive even tried for numerous reasons Just left our work xmas do early and on verge of tears as jealous of partners of some girls at work i like in that way when instead im stuck in this sexless marriage christmas time is always an aggrevation of my mental health on this side of things
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 22, 2023 14:51:19 GMT -5
lr79: " Me and wife have argued pretty much every weekend for the last month and its silly things like housework, scuffed tyres on her car, her fretting over silly things with her job that then blow up and always come back to how we haven't had children yet because of her wanting to qualify to be nurse at uni 5 years ago
My feeling is having been together 14 years married for 9.5 we should NOT still be waiting to start a family it should have happened LONG ago"
It sounds like a bad situation in which to raise kids.
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 26, 2023 6:48:28 GMT -5
So she qualified back in 2019....at the time was told once she's been in job 2 years we would try....of course that didn't happen Latest promise is she starts job in a private sector in new year so says once through her probation but i can almost guarantee either she will change job coz she doesn't like it there or she will enjoy job and not want to temporarily give it up I'd be reluctant to adopt as the child will never truly be mine etc. sounds selfish I know Nieces and nephews out of question as we hardly see them for various family reasons and not a good substitute for never having own child when its my dream I've already subconsciously decided if we don't have children in 3-5 years that we will end things wish I had the confidence to find someone else but I've given up on that before I've even tried for numerous reasons Just left our work xmas do early and on verge of tears as jealous of partners of some girls at work I like in that way when instead I'm stuck in this sexless marriage Christmas time is always an aggravation of my mental health on this side of things Sounds like someone is running out the clock. The Christmas blues are fully understandable. You say "reluctant", but is adoption "better than nothing"? It may be a good idea to avoid it though. Children often are oppositional. It can be easier to put up with teenager rebellion if you don't get to say "My kid would never do this." Parenthood isn't just the bond, it's the work you do and are willing to put in. It's what you'll give to teh child and your heart might not be in it without teh genetic link. That kind of leaves the second wife option left. Is this something to consider if your wife hits menopause tomorrow? (and by tomorrow, I mean the next year or two) Is egg freezing / surrogacy something to suggest (if only to get her to admit she doesn't want parenthood, ever. [not that this is likely to happen, even if it were true]) The point would be to suggest Herculean effort that could be made. The marriage is unpleasant enough to leave even if you don't feel you have prospects? Is that what I'm getting? You'd prefer to be alone? (No judging, more than one ILIASM member did just that and either is happier alone, or unexpectedly paired up) Overseas wives is a path forward for your dream. Is that a non-starter?
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lr79
New Member
Posts: 12
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Post by lr79 on Dec 27, 2023 2:20:44 GMT -5
So she qualified back in 2019....at the time was told once she's been in job 2 years we would try....of course that didn't happen Latest promise is she starts job in a private sector in new year so says once through her probation but i can almost guarantee either she will change job coz she doesn't like it there or she will enjoy job and not want to temporarily give it up I'd be reluctant to adopt as the child will never truly be mine etc. sounds selfish I know Nieces and nephews out of question as we hardly see them for various family reasons and not a good substitute for never having own child when its my dream I've already subconsciously decided if we don't have children in 3-5 years that we will end things wish I had the confidence to find someone else but I've given up on that before I've even tried for numerous reasons Just left our work xmas do early and on verge of tears as jealous of partners of some girls at work I like in that way when instead I'm stuck in this sexless marriage Christmas time is always an aggravation of my mental health on this side of things Sounds like someone is running out the clock. The Christmas blues are fully understandable. You say "reluctant", but is adoption "better than nothing"? It may be a good idea to avoid it though. Children often are oppositional. It can be easier to put up with teenager rebellion if you don't get to say "My kid would never do this." Parenthood isn't just the bond, it's the work you do and are willing to put in. It's what you'll give to teh child and your heart might not be in it without teh genetic link. That kind of leaves the second wife option left. Is this something to consider if your wife hits menopause tomorrow? (and by tomorrow, I mean the next year or two) Is egg freezing / surrogacy something to suggest (if only to get her to admit she doesn't want parenthood, ever. [not that this is likely to happen, even if it were true]) The point would be to suggest Herculean effort that could be made. The marriage is unpleasant enough to leave even if you don't feel you have prospects? Is that what I'm getting? You'd prefer to be alone? (No judging, more than one ILIASM member did just that and either is happier alone, or unexpectedly paired up) Overseas wives is a path forward for your dream. Is that a non-starter? You've nailed it re the adoption thing ie would never have that bond (my dream of having child of my own is something ive wanted since I was kid myself so been ingrained for good 30-35 years) Its a great question re if wife was to hit menopause therefore 100% ruling it out and if im honest the resentment would be too much for me to overcome and ive thought a lot lately that if i am not to have child of my own id rather try to find someone else although for numerous reasons as been garnered from previous posts ive given up ever finding someone else to say i have list of regrets as long as my arm in regards to relationships and sex because confidence was gone from childhood that i didnt put myself out there and try to find people much, or crucially get sexual experience (felt like everytime i did just ended in rejection) was practically a virgin until i was 30 would totally do things differently if i could have my younger days again 1 million percent (but of course that cant happen) Genuinely feels like i am looking for something im never going to find - happiness And i think i didn't answer question previously about counselling i had sought out in recent weeks basically was a waste of mine and their time as when i wrnt into detail at their initial assessment they said they couldn't help as it was specifically a couple thing so failed before it even begun (familiar story of my life that) Wife overseas absolutely a non starter my job (work has arguably been most positive part of my life in last few years) and friends and family wouldn't want to leave any of that
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Post by hopingforachange on Dec 27, 2023 3:29:30 GMT -5
Ive already subconsciously decided if we dont have children in 3-5 years that we will end things wish i had the confidence to find soneone else but ive given up on that before ive even tried for numerous reasons Why wait?
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 27, 2023 5:27:47 GMT -5
Ir79,....do not, I repeat do not have children with this woman. Children are a huge investment of time, money, emotions and other resources. Not being fully committed to rearing a child is one of the worst decisions a couple could make, for themselves and for the child(ren). We have seen numerous stories here about spouses only staying in a marriage until the children are of legal age or at least have completed their high school education. But I have to wonder how much of a negative impact this has on a child knowing their parents hate being married and would end that marriage if they were not around. That has all sorts of negative connatations for the child and for society. So my small contribution to your situation is to repeat, DO NOT HAVE CHILDRED WITH THIS WOMAN.
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 27, 2023 5:34:03 GMT -5
if wife was to hit menopause therefore 100% ruling it out and if I'm honest the resentment would be too much for me to overcome and I've thought a lot lately that if i am not to have child of my own i'd rather try to find someone else although for numerous reasons as been garnered from previous posts I've given up ever finding someone else Nightmare thought experiment. If your wife got pregnant, would she tell you, or abort in secret? Is she waiting? Or avoiding? There are plentiful women who want motherhood just as bad yet you seem to be taking a sledge hammer to a square peg here. Is your desperation triggering active resistance? Does your fervor make her enthusiastically barren? To take it up to an absurd, but not impossible notch, does she think you love her for her uterus? A 45 year old can still find a 35 year old who wants parenthood as much as you and will jump at a whirlwind romance, wedding, and birth. Bear in mind, this gets easier if you don't have a long checklist of what she must have or be other than a clock ticking louder than Ukrainian artillery fire.
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Post by aquacat on Dec 30, 2023 9:47:42 GMT -5
Like so many others here I can affirm that children are a long term commitment. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children and wouldn’t trade them for anything, but they are the main reason I’m still in my marriage. I’m biding my time until my youngest is on his own and is self sufficient before I reevaluate my situation. Fortunately my state is one that alimony is difficult to get approved so I’m not concerned with that.
You don’t have kids with her so it should make it much easier.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 1, 2024 10:00:18 GMT -5
Like so many others here I can affirm that children are a long term commitment. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children and wouldn’t trade them for anything, but they are the main reason I’m still in my marriage. I’m biding my time until my youngest is on his own and is self sufficient before I reevaluate my situation. Fortunately my state is one that alimony is difficult to get approved so I’m not concerned with that. You don’t have kids with her so it should make it much easier. The way lr79 talks, I'm falling under the impression that being a father would be reward enough for 18 years of sexlessness. I'm more concerned that she's running out her own clock, maybe hoping he leaves her so she doesn't have to be "the bad guy". I've been suspicious such refusers use coerced celibacy to force the reason for divorce to be sex. A man leaving his wife because she refused to have children is not teh story she wants to be told. Women that do not want motherhood are sometimes condemned and very rarely praised and when they are, it tends to be by women who, themselves attract societal disapproval. the 50's vibe remains strong in America. If he leaves, she's "the bad guy". What monster refuses a man his legacy? (Again, that's the 50's philosophy, not my own sentiment)
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week5of35years
Junior Member
Think I may be out of a SM... @the Talk in Nov '23 and progressing well so far....
Posts: 90
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by week5of35years on Jan 2, 2024 6:46:11 GMT -5
Ir79,....do not, I repeat do not have children with this woman. Children are a huge investment of time, money, emotions and other resources. Not being fully committed to rearing a child is one of the worst decisions a couple could make, for themselves and for the child(ren). We have seen numerous stories here about spouses only staying in a marriage until the children are of legal age or at least have completed their high school education. But I have to wonder how much of a negative impact this has on a child knowing their parents hate being married and would end that marriage if they were not around. That has all sorts of negative connatations for the child and for society. So my small contribution to your situation is to repeat, DO NOT HAVE CHILDRED WITH THIS WOMAN. I have to agree with worksforme2 on this, I had a child with my W after 18yrs of SM and it is a massive tie, because I love my kid but did not love the SM, but this made divorcing 1000% more complicated... you are young and assuming all your tadpoles are in working order you have the ability to start a family with someone new for many years to come.... just please.... do it with someone you love, who loves you and has the same sex drive/physical needs etc as you....
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week5of35years
Junior Member
Think I may be out of a SM... @the Talk in Nov '23 and progressing well so far....
Posts: 90
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by week5of35years on Jan 3, 2024 3:49:16 GMT -5
I also offer you a cautionary tale...
After my son was born I decided to stop working from home so much and go into the office several times a week - this was to give my W space and so she did not have to worry about me being loud on calls, banging around or my son crying etc....
At work I sat in a shared hotdesk space where people could "drop in" and use the desks and network, the space was right outside the canteen in this place...
Every day a woman would walk past, she was tall, dark, long brunette curly hair and figure to drive you wild and she had permanently erect nipples that almost begged to be admired through the sheer blouses she wore - I honestly loved that... I used to get an erection just watching this woman walk through the office and that is something that had not happened to me since my teens (I was 40 at this point)
so... anyway after lots of mutual eyeing each other up.... nothing was going to happen as I had a 9mth old at home and a very dead bedroom.... (My W and I had last had sex 1 week before my son was born and nine months before that, but mothing for 9mths since he was born)
So... what do I know about missing opportunities....
well one day she came in and walked past the back of my chair instead of following the walkway to the canteen, which was not easy as I was not in the direct walkway and there was maybe only 2ft of space behind my chair before the wall, she was so close behind me I could smell her perfume…. She walked up to a desk opposite mine, maybe 10 ft away and laid out on facing me, figure hugging black skirt and a sheer black blouse.... showing me the shape of her figure as she laid out on her side….
Then she got up and walked into the canteen with one last look over her shoulder to me before she went through the door….
I was being a “good husband” and did nothing about that, but if we had not just had a baby I would have, as I had probably the most sexual reaction to a woman I had ever had before and would have loved to see where that went…..
It was 14 and one half years later before I properly kicked off and started to fix my SM….
you never know what is waiting round the corner my friend!
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lr79
New Member
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Post by lr79 on Jan 4, 2024 3:09:49 GMT -5
I also offer you a cautionary tale... After my son was born I decided to stop working from home so much and go into the office several times a week - this was to give my W space and so she did not have to worry about me being loud on calls, banging around or my son crying etc.... At work I sat in a shared hotdesk space where people could "drop in" and use the desks and network, the space was right outside the canteen in this place... Every day a woman would walk past, she was tall, dark, long brunette curly hair and figure to drive you wild and she had permanently erect nipples that almost begged to be admired through the sheer blouses she wore - I honestly loved that... I used to get an erection just watching this woman walk through the office and that is something that had not happened to me since my teens (I was 40 at this point) so... anyway after lots of mutual eyeing each other up.... nothing was going to happen as I had a 9mth old at home and a very dead bedroom.... (My W and I had last had sex 1 week before my son was born and nine months before that, but mothing for 9mths since he was born) So... what do I know about missing opportunities.... well one day she came in and walked past the back of my chair instead of following the walkway to the canteen, which was not easy as I was not in the direct walkway and there was maybe only 2ft of space behind my chair before the wall, she was so close behind me I could smell her perfume…. She walked up to a desk opposite mine, maybe 10 ft away and laid out on facing me, figure hugging black skirt and a sheer black blouse.... showing me the shape of her figure as she laid out on her side…. Then she got up and walked into the canteen with one last look over her shoulder to me before she went through the door…. I was being a “good husband” and did nothing about that, but if we had not just had a baby I would have, as I had probably the most sexual reaction to a woman I had ever had before and would have loved to see where that went….. It was 14 and one half years later before I properly kicked off and started to fix my SM…. you never know what is waiting round the corner my friend! If only something remotely like that would happen to me!! My confidence in regards to women relationships has pretty much never been there aside from wife (met online in 2009) my history is pathetic 2 instances of a relationship lasting a month (both of which were the girl cheating with someone else) only had sex twice with one of them (neither time was great) then got led on for 2 years by a girl who always wanted me around with house parties and nights out at a gay club (as lot of her friends were gay) in my eyes coz we spoke daily met up frequently and the situations we were becoming more than friends though only drunken snogging on a night out (which when i mentioned to her some time after she said didnt remember it) eventually after her going onto a 3rd relationship during those two years i basically said i never wanted to see her again (and know shes had child in last couple of years which doesnt make me feel any better) i did tell her a few times i wanted to be more than friends but she said she needed time or didnt know if or when she wanted relationship (and that took a lot to tell her as in mirrorchilds words im "too chicken" I was often told in schooldays and early 20s that i was ugly.....hence thats proved a big hurdle along with fact i can be quiet a lot....no one has the remote idea of the envy and jealousy i have of blokes who find it so easy to get girls etc or who have girls that id like in that way (we are talking off scale jealousy or envy) ive always been confident with job interviews or tests (passed driving test first time) but hopeless on relationship front just numerous rejection or liking girls who were spoken for....plenty say im a nice guy but instead of feeling good about that im just like "meh" Hence have given up before i even try on finding someone else as convinced it will never happen so either have to settle for what ive got in the hope of plans working out (positive is no recent arguments) or face up to a life alone and childless (kinda wouldn't want to keep living in that scenario if im honest) To go back to a question from mirrorchild on whether she wouod have abortion in secret....am 99% sure she wouldnt do something like that.....and to clarify its not entirely a case of refusing sex but more we cant as shes not on birth control and i cant get on with condoms but also its a confidence thing with me as when ive tried to initiate even kissing at times she will say "what are you creeping for" that and whether im still attracted to her or just so used to no sex that im checked out in that sense but neither scenario be it stay and maybe try for baby in april or may depending on probation in her new job she started yesterday or separate try to find someone else (aka impossible task) then make plans....not like baby will happen on day 1 so will be waiting a good couple of years hence feels a no win situation
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 4, 2024 6:02:44 GMT -5
"What are you creeping for"? Unless it's delivered with a sly smile, that does not have the timbre of a woman interested in mixing genes with you.
"envy and jealousy i have of blokes ...who have girls that id like in that way (we are talking off scale jealousy or envy) I've always been confident with job interviews or tests (passed driving test first time) but hopeless on relationship front just numerous rejection or liking girls who were spoken for....plenty say I'm a nice guy but instead of feeling good about that, I'm just like "meh"
You've been told you're ugly. How do you rate your wife then? Do you feel like you "settled"?
My concern is you had your designs on women out of your league, you actually "landed" one, and you feel as though since you have dated "better" she should be only too happy to have a family with you. What if she's "out of your league" and resents the marriage itself as she's ineligible to "do better"?
If you had the choice of staying married to your wife, childless, or starting a family with a much less attractive woman who think's you're a pretty good catch, is that a trade you'd make?
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