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Post by allworkandnoplay on Feb 17, 2022 23:19:44 GMT -5
onempty: "I make sure I don’t touch her at all. She’s just starting to notice. We’ll eventually get into a big fight over this and we’ll talk about going to a counselor. I really don’t need to go. It’s all her. I’ve point blank have told her to no avail. It baffles me.: I'm surprised that it bothers her that you don't touch her. My refuser ex used to move away from me in his sleep if I touched him. He'd literally end up sleeping on the edge of the bed. I moved to the sofa after he said, "Excuse me and walked out," when he walked in on me changing clothes in the bedroom. I eventually moved into the former bedroom of my adult son. My refuser never said a word about what I did. I guess he was relieved. I don't understand how a fight would result from your stopping touching your wife who won't have sex with you. What's to discuss? It's a natural consequence. It seems you'd be happier if you moved out of the bedroom. It's not as if she could do anything about it except perhaps complain, but you don't have to respond. After all, you are basically just roommates.
I disengaged, stopped all of the pretense, and just treated everything matter-of-fact. There was no more touch of any kind, even incidental. STBX never complained or asked why. But she did complain if I even tried to move out of the marital bedroom. I never could figure that one out. I guess she was still somehow hanging on to some vision of what a married couple is supposed to look like on the outside.
Now that we are divorcing, I have asked her and she says she lost her feeling after I pulled away. I know this is BS because I disengaged because of her refusing (and attitude in general), but it is not something I need to argue about any longer. I'm getting out with her blessing and that is all that matters at this moment.
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onempty
Junior Member
I'm almost free...
Posts: 66
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by onempty on Feb 21, 2022 7:03:59 GMT -5
div]I disengaged, stopped all of the pretense, and just treated everything matter-of-fact. There was no more touch of any kind, even incidental. STBX never complained or asked why. But she did complain if I even tried to move out of the marital bedroom. I never could figure that one out. I guess she was still somehow hanging on to some vision of what a married couple is supposed to look like on the outside.
This sounds like us. I was leaving for work the other day and said bye. She says, “no kiss”? Really? Wtf? I’ve disengaged from my wife. She hasn’t mentioned anything about it or ask me what’s wrong like she usually does. But she expects a goodbye kiss? She’s just become irritable so it’s even now easier to stay away. I’ve always had such desire for my wife but even that is fading. The writing is definitely on the wall. Sad because it wasn’t that many months ago I thought we were the rare success story. I just don’t understand it but I’m done trying.
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 22, 2022 4:26:26 GMT -5
div]I disengaged, stopped all of the pretense, and just treated everything matter-of-fact. There was no more touch of any kind, even incidental. STBX never complained or asked why. But she did complain if I even tried to move out of the marital bedroom. I never could figure that one out. I guess she was still somehow hanging on to some vision of what a married couple is supposed to look like on the outside. This sounds like us. I was leaving for work the other day and said bye. She says, “no kiss”? Really? Wtf? I’ve disengaged from my wife. She hasn’t mentioned anything about it or ask me what’s wrong like she usually does. But she expects a goodbye kiss? She’s just become irritable so it’s even now easier to stay away. I’ve always had such desire for my wife but even that is fading. The writing is definitely on the wall. Sad because it wasn’t that many months ago I thought we were the rare success story. I just don’t understand it but I’m done trying. Kissing my wife with earnest passion was one of the perks of marriage I began giving my wife in the morning when leaving for work. She knew it couldn't lead to more, so it was very non-threatening. This was while I was exploring OKcupid to find someone with which to attend to the arousal caused when I kissed my wife with earnest passion. Not to say I'm suggesting this for you. Just want to mention it in case someone else sees your post, recognizes their own disinterest in building themselves into a frustrating lather only to spend the day at work distracted by relentless sexy thought and might find outsourcing a way to provide both spouses with what they want. (if a lover will fill the gap. It has no appeal for some.) This may be of more use before a refuser has ground their partner down to the point of indifference.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 12, 2024 21:17:15 GMT -5
Do You Dread Valentine’s Day at Home? When pretending doesn’t cut it anymore.
MONALISASMILED FEB 12, 2024
How many of us are dreading Valentine’s Day with our significant other?
Not because of the possibility of romance (that ship sailed long ago) but the PRETENDING.
The faking it, the act, the trying…
I’m over it.
Every card doesn’t even remotely express what I feel. I have to search high and low to find one that makes me gag the least.
“What makes you feel the worst on Valentine’s Day?” I asked r/adultery. “Mostly I feel hollow with my SO. We are so beyond cards, candy, flowers, and small gifts. The worst is seeing how far we’ve grown apart…I am sad without feeling the need to shed a tear.”
That gulf between you — without tears because it’s too late. Oh, I get it.
“I’m just not bothering to fake love him this year.”
Ooof, fake love. But perfect sentiment for this Hallmark holiday.
“Right. I hate all the holiday…buying a card is the absolute worst. All the over-the-top feelings. ‘I’m such a lucky guy to have you’ crap.”
I’ve written so much about the ordeal of cards—my personal pet peeve. My hubby is a card giver. I’d MUCH prefer chocolates or a gift. Fuck the card.
“Zero fucks given. She gets nothing and deserves nothing. Tired of faking it. She’s been faking it for years. That’s what you get.”
Woah. Bitter much? But this is what gets you to the adultery finish line.
“Holy shit. This! I just bought a card, and I had to look through 1000 of them to find the one that lies the least. I fucking hate Valentine’s Day and the hollowness it represents. And the card I get from her? I’ll read it, we will hug, and another sexless night will pass. I’ll throw it away, and life will go on. Fuck, this post laid me as low as whale shit on the bottom of the ocean.”
I shouldn’t have laughed, but I did. Whale shit on the bottom of the ocean, lol.
“Just like our anniversary, I got the preemptive, ‘I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day’ today speech. Good thing! I’m totally blowing it off this year. Except for the kiddos. They still get heart pancakes and flowers.”
Is there anything worse than the preemptive “I didn’t get you anything…”? I don’t think so.
“I don’t care about it this year at all. I used to feel bad because MM barely acknowledged it, and my SO has been a jerk about it for the last few years. So…I would just go out and buy something nice. I’ll do that again this year, minus the bad feelings. I like remembering all the really nice Valentine’s I’ve had in the past, and that will have to do.”
Be good to yourself. That’s all you can do. I’m an expert at buying my own presents since my hubby will never buy anything for me.
“I stopped doing ‘dates’ with my husband on Valentine’s Day and our anniversary way before I started cheating. We celebrate these as a family instead…I know he won’t want to be romantic with me, so celebrating as a family takes the pressure off.”
Making it a family ‘date’ makes being together more tolerable. I used this trick for years.
“I was never into it, but my ex-husband wanted to go all out. I was on board until the marriage went to shit, but when it became more about putting up a front, I was so glad to let it go.”
That’s where I’m at. Can’t wait to “Let It Go” like Frozen. No more dreading Valentine’s Day. No more pretending.
Who else is with me?
I wrote this last year before Valentine’s Day, and, my, how my life has changed! No more dreading Valentine’s Day.
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 13, 2024 7:04:57 GMT -5
Been meaning to start a thread about creating our own line of greeting cards. Thank you for reviving this one. When we get a critical mass we can place an order. Maybe half a dozen cards for birthday, anniversary, Valentines to provide two years worth of cards in a single blow. Moo may be a good choice: www.moo.com/us/greeting-cards?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4Iq68aKohAMVHHNHAR3mhAp8EAAYASAAEgLdoPD_BwEWe can categorize based on level of engagement or detachment, how much hope there is, funny or sentimental, or a dash of romantic. We need our own card store. Let's make one. What could we say in greeting cards that's sincere and nice? Even if we split, nourishing good terms is wise. Avoid: Lucky, Perfect Promising: Mother/Father, Dedicated/Devoted (in their limited way), Steady/Solid, Smart, Funny, Handsome/Beautiful, History/Past together Nuance: Loving A few cards I found or fodder for cards were posted on the Valentines guide but would apply to birthday and anniversary cards too. iliasm.org/thread/5848/iliasm-survivalist-guide-valentines-daytamara68 might be able to apply some artistic touches, if she can spare the time. Suggestions for illustrations can be made, combining text with preferred graphics in a mix and match. Two years of not having to rifle the card stock and potentially saving $30-50 bucks in the deal? How can we not do this?
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Post by dallasgia on Feb 13, 2024 9:10:32 GMT -5
Been meaning to start a thread about creating our own line of greeting cards. Thank you for reviving this one. When we get a critical mass we can place an order. Maybe half a dozen cards for birthday, anniversary, Valentines to provide two years worth of cards in a single blow. Moo may be a good choice: www.moo.com/us/greeting-cards?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4Iq68aKohAMVHHNHAR3mhAp8EAAYASAAEgLdoPD_BwEWe can categorize based on level of engagement or detachment, how much hope there is, funny or sentimental, or a dash of romantic. We need our own card store. Let's make one. What could we say in greeting cards that's sincere and nice? Even if we split, nourishing good terms is wise. Avoid: Lucky, Perfect Promising: Mother/Father, Dedicated/Devoted (in their limited way), Steady/Solid, Smart, Funny, Handsome/Beautiful, History/Past together Nuance: Loving A few cards I found or fodder for cards were posted on the Valentines guide but would apply to birthday and anniversary cards too. iliasm.org/thread/5848/iliasm-survivalist-guide-valentines-daytamara68 might be able to apply some artistic touches, if she can spare the time. Suggestions for illustrations can be made, combining text with preferred graphics in a mix and match. Two years of not having to rifle the card stock and potentially saving $30-50 bucks in the deal? How can we not do this? A card that says “you are a great roommate” Or, “We make great pretenders” Or “Lets post deceptive photos of us toasting our love on social media” Valentines day makes me salty. Not sweet.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 13, 2024 14:31:57 GMT -5
Or,
"How do I love thee?"
"let me count the ways!"
"Oops! Can't! My phone needs charging! LOL"
Happy VD!! -(Valentines Day)
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week5of35years
Junior Member
Think I may be out of a SM... @the Talk in Nov '23 and progressing well so far....
Posts: 90
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by week5of35years on Feb 14, 2024 7:05:01 GMT -5
Front: "Its Valentines day" Inside: - blank-
recognising something is happening is not the same as embracing it and taking part..........
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Post by aquacat on Feb 14, 2024 7:53:03 GMT -5
I honestly hate Valentine's Day. It's just a reminder that my relationship is not one of romantic love. This morning neither of us have even said Happy Valentine's Day. I know other guys will be getting oral and/or sex for Valentine's Day and it's just another reminder of what I'm not getting with my own wife.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 331
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Post by m76 on Feb 14, 2024 8:03:13 GMT -5
It's a hard day for sure knowing that your significant other just doesn't see you as a romantic partner and yet they go through the motions. Valentines day and anniversaries just drive it home harder.
My wife got me a card today that says: "there isn't a thing I'd change about what we have together." Yep, that about sums it up, nothing is going to change unless I make the change.
Rhetorical question but why does a refuser stay and lead on a partner that they don't actually have romantic feelings for?
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Post by aquacat on Feb 14, 2024 8:23:16 GMT -5
It's a hard day for sure knowing that your significant other just doesn't see you as a romantic partner and yet they go through the motions. Valentines day and anniversaries just drive it home harder. My wife got me a card today that says: "there isn't a thing I'd change about what we have together." Yep, that about sums it up, nothing is going to change unless I make the change. Rhetorical question but why does a refuser stay and lead on a partner that they don't actually have romantic feelings for? My theory is they like the status quo and don't want to change it. In my relationship I make the majority of our household income and if we split I don't think she could live on her own comfortably. She goes through the motions knowing that if we split it would be devastating to both of us and the kids.
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patrick
Junior Member
Posts: 20
Age Range: 70+
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Post by patrick on Feb 14, 2024 9:24:54 GMT -5
My theory is they like the status quo and don't want to change it. In my relationship I make the majority of our household income and if we split I don't think she could live on her own comfortably. She goes through the motions knowing that if we split it would be devastating to both of us and the kids. Totally agree with this theory and reasoning…our marriage has become one of convenience and consideration for the kids and grandkids. I pay the mortgage and household bills while she grocery shops and does most of the cooking. While we exchanged Valentines Day gifts and I will take her out to dinner tonite, I won’t expect sexual intimacy from my 67 year old wife…but hope springs eternal!🤞 While the late great Tina Turner sang “What’s love got to do with it?”, I’d be curious to know “What’s AGE got to do with it?” Do most women lose their libido after menopause…and am I being unreasonable to expect sexual intimacy from my 67 year old wife?
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 14, 2024 9:33:50 GMT -5
My Wife started losing her libido at age 40, completely gone since 47. It's not about age, I dare say it is more about mindset more than anything.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 331
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Post by m76 on Feb 14, 2024 9:45:13 GMT -5
My Wife started losing her libido at age 40, completely gone since 47. It's not about age, I dare say it is more about mindset more than anything. Mine started loosing hers at 25, gone by 35. Now she's 47 in premenopause so the chances of a recovery are slim to none. I agree it's not about age.
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Post by toughtiger on Feb 14, 2024 10:06:02 GMT -5
It's a hard day for sure knowing that your significant other just doesn't see you as a romantic partner and yet they go through the motions. Valentines day and anniversaries just drive it home harder. My wife got me a card today that says: "there isn't a thing I'd change about what we have together." Yep, that about sums it up, nothing is going to change unless I make the change. Rhetorical question but why does a refuser stay and lead on a partner that they don't actually have romantic feelings for? That is an awful thing for card to say.... i guess we really do not see what the other partner sees..... i really do not know how he feels ...... the MANY times i tried to talk he is embarrassed and i am sure depressed etc. IF they think all is good why can they not explain how to us.
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