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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 10, 2021 7:26:41 GMT -5
No, my wife is just frigid. Some women simply are. Its not their fault but they often talk big or appear highly sexed to hide the truth.I have read and understand that some women and just go off sex. Medical, financial, and relationship issues some times cause SMs. It happens to men too.. Lets have more respect for Carl's POV In sympathy to the unwelcome POV Carl is rejecting (perhaps correctly, we don't know), both can be right. Refusers can "go off sex" specifically with their spouse. That's classic Coolidge effect.It may be off sex with the specific spouse, or it could be off sex with anyone. Until the relationship breaks apart, they may be indistinguishable, and I struggle to see what difference it would make. The value lies in the event the couple does part ways and it turns out the refuser gets ignited by the pheremones of someone new, or a bait-and-switch effort seen as necessary to secure financial assistance once again takes place. (maybe when alimony runs out, outside 17th century chauvinistic Massachusetts). Right now, it's immaterial. If Carl decided to break off and Mrs. Carl suddenly was expressing PDAs around all their old mutual friends, the value would be in suggesting to him that the fault lie not in his attractiveness or value as a person. He may be a perfectly good man to thousands (millions?) of ladies. The ire may stem from Carl interpreting the suggestion as Mrs. Carl rejecting him because he is inferior in some way, which no one has said. Terrific people end up in SMs. Or at the very least, attractive people. The stories of SM refused spouses pairing up after divorce or finding enthusiastic FWBs are the norm, not the exception. If he were to adhere to the far more common outcome, Carl would find someone with relatively little difficulty. His value as a man would have nothing to do with Mrs. Carl's refusals regardless of her condition. My concern is Carl is taking the possibility of Mrs. Carl having intimacy with another as a slight. No such slur has been implied, as far as I have read. An alternative is that Carl holds his missus in high esteem and finds her chaste nature and adherence to their vows of forsaking all others as a reflection of her high morals? There may be some defense of her honor going on here? I speak as though Carl's not here in the forum. He can answer for himself. Or tell me to go eff myself. The whole conversation may seem an intrusive dissection and his discomfort is not a goal here.
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Post by loneranger on Nov 10, 2021 22:27:07 GMT -5
New to this forum, but emphatically yes! Maybe it's delusional(who am I kidding it is delusional), but thoughts of her still fuel the fire of my soul. Being refused for over 11 months now has not quelled my desire for her. Wait until it is 11 years and then 20 years… I started off fantasizing about her… It is impossible now because the reality is so reinforced that it is impossible to even imagine it otherwise.. I’m still here, still open to it but not really expecting it or wanting it if it is the bad awkward unfulfilling experience it always was before. I stopped initiating for two reasons, 1. the rejection is painful and almost more corrosive to our marriage than the absence.. 2.. To prove to myself that it wasnt my bad timing (she used that excuse a lot). It has been over two years now (it was not much better for several years before that) no sex. No kissing (maybe a peck on the cheek or three) nothing. Even though she knows. Ive had the heart to heart talk multiple times now in last 5 yrs or so… She acts like nothing’s wrong. Its bizarre. She watches nightime soap operas and romcoms where everyone (mostly singles) is romantically involved, all the characters hook up, but in our actual real married life theres nothing and she seems oblivious. Im staying for my kids, my vows, my futile hope that somehow something will change… but I know it never will. I will be old and unattractive and lonely forever. Hope yours goes better but you may be surprised to learn how eleven months turns into eleven plus years… sorry
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Post by carl on Nov 11, 2021 18:12:24 GMT -5
Wow, it appears Carl is a difficult of not impossible conversationalist; and not too clued in to the purpose of the forum. He may be indifferent with his W, but sure isn't indifferent with otherwise friendly strangers here. Carl, if you knew any of the respondents here via history, you'd possibly be aware of how irreverent your comments are. You would do well to take a calibre test revealing your utter lack of empathy...if you even cared to care about others that is. Is one allowed a point of view even or must one be shouted down for having one. I know my situation well. Its been over 20 years. Why wouldn’t I. Its just bad luck it happens. It nobodys fault. I can’t speak for others and but can speak for myself and by denying me an opinion you are only denying yourself useful knowledge.
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Post by carl on Nov 11, 2021 18:17:12 GMT -5
If they want, they do. Somebody who wants sex in my opinion will make it work in the most trying of circumstances. Somebody who doesn’t want sex will make it not work in the end whatever the circumstances.
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Post by carl on Nov 11, 2021 19:00:54 GMT -5
No, my wife is just frigid. Some women simply are. Its not their fault but they often talk big or appear highly sexed to hide the truth.I have read and understand that some women and just go off sex. Medical, financial, and relationship issues some times cause SMs. It happens to men too.. Lets have more respect for Carl's POV I agree that some women (and men although I am heterosexual) just go off sex. Maybe there is no actual reason at all. We have to accept that there isn’t always a reason for things. But I, in my opinion would say that some poeple never have and never will be very sexually orientated. To be honest I don’t find that strange or hard to understand. I feel that there are those who would rather curl up with a good book than have sex. In fact i believe some people simply don’t like sex all that much. Its just how they are. That doesn’t worry me. We are all different. It sucks if you love sex and are married to somebody like that but thats part of the variety in life. The thing is though that in my opinion I can’t hold those preferences against somebody entirely. Its just how they were made. I am sure my wife is not the first or the last women never to have had a great interest in sex but yet at the same time be attractive and have learnt to take sex as more of a power than a pleasure. It happens. Thats who she is to the best of my knowledge which in all truth is likely to be atleast well observed over the last 20 years. I don’t understand why this seems so foreign to members here. It seems fairly common knowledge to me. Does it upset members to think this. If so then there is no need to be.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Nov 12, 2021 1:39:15 GMT -5
Carl, I actually agree with your sentiments which could describe my own W quite well. Though she'll oblige, she's just maintaining status quo. Your snarky remarks personally directed to well meaning, experienced men of wisdom are what my post was about. You do not converse well without getting defensive or snarky. Otherwise, yes I've seen them go off sex...HOWEVER it is fascinating to watch how many go "back on" when it suits them.
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 12, 2021 5:07:28 GMT -5
Otherwise, yes I've seen them go off sex...HOWEVER it is fascinating to watch how many go "back on" when it suits them. And to your point, Carl. Sometimes refusers "make it happen"... with an affair partner. (Not suggesting that's your situation.) It was Apocrypha's though. Some spouses don't crave it and have negligible libidos for myriad reasons, you say? Fully concede that point. Always have. Rather curl up with a good book rather than have sex? Sure. Happens all the time. It describes most people. What varies is whether they feel that way for five minutes or five years between romps.
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Post by heelots on Nov 22, 2021 23:03:22 GMT -5
Absolutely not. I found peace of mind once I removed any possibility of sex with my wife. I am less resentful, view her as a roommate and honestly have no expectations of anything from our dead marriage. Ours is a marriage driven 100 percent by finances at this point and nothing else in my opinion. The kids are virtually grown and gone, it is easy for them to see our marriage has been a dead joke for years.
At this point I would be thankful if my remaining sex drive just died altogether. Then I wouldn't even have to waste time jerkin off.
No, I don't know if I do my wife if she was stretched spread eagle and buck naked on the bed in front of me begging to be deep plowed at this point. Tòo many bitter years have passed, I really think I would pass without giving it a second thought.
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Post by flyingsolo on Nov 28, 2021 15:14:13 GMT -5
Frankly, no. After 4 1/2 years of marital counseling which didn't work, I realized that in her mind, she blamed me for everything that was wrong in her life and I could do nothing right in her eyes. Her rejection continued for several years until I found myself no longer sexually attracted to her and all her negativity. Frankly, in the pictures she posts online now, she looks old and sad.
It's like the fog finally cleared from my life. Boy was it a relief to finally realize that and make the decision to free myself from that mess of a sexless marriage. Emotionally, physically, and intimately, I am much happier being out of my sexless marriage and onto a relationship with someone who enjoys intimacy and communicates her feeling and thoughts honesty and readily. Zero interest in any sort of sex with my former spouse.
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