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Post by angeleyes65 on Apr 2, 2020 14:02:13 GMT -5
First off welcome! You seem to have a very good grip on the situation, and your feelings. You said you have 2 years before you " launch your last child" So use those years to get everything together. Keep saving towards retirement also I would suggest saving period . As far as money my bf's wife made more but he still came out ok. Their retirements were about the same. But she kept the house and he got half plus half of the cost of things in the house. That and a little savings he was able to pay cash for a house. My ex made more than me. I let him keep the house and the equity. But I got half of his retirement account minus what was in mine. It's the law at least in my state. As far as your self esteem I say work out if you don't. Do more social things with friends. Do things that interest you without her. Keep saying to yourself it's her not me. It will all come back. I was 52 when I left my bf was 57 . His performance was amazing once he was back in a decent situation. And trust me women will be interested. When the youngest leaves the nest you will be ready , organized have a plan and able to walk away to a new life. Or ...if you think you could live with the growing old together if you got your affection and sex elsewhere you could at that point ask about opening the marriage up. If she says no you can go back to your exit plan. I have to say we are both so much happier out of that situation. And both thankful we aren't in the " shelter at home" situation with our ex's!
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 26, 2020 1:23:55 GMT -5
FYI, depending on where you live, you each may be entitled to half of the other’s pension. Consult with a lawyer.
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Post by southerngirl on Apr 26, 2020 18:26:09 GMT -5
For the record - I just turned 53. No sexual attempts in 7 years. Many many years of bad sex or sex attempts before that. I have one child still at home, too. While I don’t have a date in mind, I’ve known for a very long time that I won’t stay in this situation for much longer. BUT here’s the thing. I am so starved for sex and intimacy and orgasms and physical touch and laughter and friendship that I will be searching for someone my age that can enjoy a future with me and I hope there is a man out there that can keep up with me. I hope you will remember that there are women like me out there who will more than happy to start a new relationship with someone who can appreciate her. Who knows what the future holds but I for one will not settle for a husband who has been a constant source of rejection and pain. I hope you find your happy.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Apr 26, 2020 18:56:24 GMT -5
I'm going to be 55 next month. High sex drive. Not crazy but definitely healthy. Same situation as you but 15 years not 7. I worried about finding a man that could keep up and be willing to give me the attention and affection I crave and not be a couch potato. They are definetley out there and life is so much better! Wish you the best of luck when you make your move. After being through what we have it's so much easier to recognize what you want in a partner.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 26, 2020 19:27:16 GMT -5
“As an older guy, I know I'm not going to be getting out there and wooing all the ladies.”
I started dating and having sex with my post Sm lover of 7 years when we both were 61. We are still going strong and both of us continue to be flirted with my people of the opposite sex. Attitude, not age, is what’s important. If you think you are too old, you are too old.
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Post by mirrororchid on May 4, 2020 4:41:16 GMT -5
... walk away to a new life. Or ...if you think you could live with the growing old together if you got your affection and sex elsewhere you could at that point ask about opening the marriage up. If she says no you can go back to your exit plan. What she said. You say in your earliest posts that she sent you cards saying how wholesome you are and how she looks forward to empty nest years with you. I don't think I've given my wife the speech I have planned and maybe I won't need to if her current renaissance continues, but what she seemed to want from marriage was my financial support, platonic affection, maybe some less-platonic kissing (without pressure for more), and a travel companion, a handyman and butler/maid. Seriously, she had a sweet, sweet deal with me. I was (am) ready to tell her, I can give you everything you want and need until one of us takes our last breath. I'd like that. It fits very well with my life story. But it does not involve my being celibate and it never will, barring biological failure. You don't want this part of me, so why do you insist upon keeping it all to yourself? I will take a lover and I want it to be you, but there will be SOMEBODY. My wife was seeing a therapist for a tragic, unrelated reason, but I suspect they started talking about our marriage and the therapist explained that my wife was demolishing her marriage with her physical distance. I do not give myself credit for turning her around. I think I had massive help from the therapist, luck, and maybe God. Still, may I suggest one last "Talk" and do make it the last. (It's called "The Talk", not "The Talks", it isn't plural) Put her on notice. Offer her happily every after for the two of you, so long as she understands it means you disappear for the night twice a week (She can too, if she likes) and it's above board. A platonic marriage you're not trapped by may be okay. If she says no, a proper divorce may be the way to go for personal integrity's sake and may make court proceedings cleaner. Some judges insert their moral proclivities into decision-making. Maybe get some of "The Talk" in text or email to document her acquiescence to the open marriage since you said she's not above deceit (lies of omission, you said). Kathy, a lovely lady I met on OKcupid is polyamorous and being a FWB is totally what she does. I told OKcupid to only send me married women because I don't want her hoping to have me all to herself. Perhaps that's something that'd be good for you if your wife likes the idea of getting everything but sex from you. The idea no women are available for you if you land an open marriage? I think the ladies are probably right that you're good enough and you can even get better, if you so desire. My confidence and attitude improved as soon as I made the decision not to be celibate anymore. Hope does wonders for self-esteem and self-esteem, in itself, is sexy.
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Post by bozodeclowne on May 5, 2020 12:25:04 GMT -5
The card thing is interesting in that it is really the first time I have seen a change (however small) in response to an action on my part. I've initiated plenty of "talks" over the years, but not really the " Talk" as understood in the SM community. Predictably, those led nowhere. We haven't had the " Talk" primarily because I'm not ready to go yet, but also because I've come to believe ultimatums do not deliver desired results. At least not genuine results. If my boss came to me and said " If you don't start finding my jokes funny, you're fired!", I may start faking some laughter, but I'm never going to think he's a comedic genius. Not sure if she would, but I don't want my wife to fake desire because she's afraid I will leave. Regardless, there is no consequence I could come up with that would return any sort of genuine desire. My vision of the Talk is more along the lines of " I can't do this anymore, and I'll be leaving". I'm certain she wouldn't accept any sort of open arrangement, though we haven't talked about it explicitly. I'm not sure I would be interested either, as my ideal would be a complete relationship with one person. Should such an arrangement be possible, pretty sure I wouldn't react well to a situation where she found immediate success while I floundered! At any rate, my understanding of alternate arrangements is that there must be complete honesty between partners. As I discovered several years ago, my wife feels it is acceptable/justifiable to keep certain secrets from her partner, and take those to the grave. I can't go into specifics without being easily identifiable, but she recently reiterated that stance. This was a complete shock to me, and not at all in keeping with the person I knew her to be. I believe a relationship demands complete honesty, and I'm not sure how there can be any trust at all without it. Surely a person who keeps large secrets would have no qualm doing the same with the small stuff? At the end of the day, that right there is probably the dealbreaker for me.
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Post by baza on May 7, 2020 20:29:01 GMT -5
If your position is truly - "I can't do this anymore, and I'll be leaving" - then you'd better have an alternative plan in do-able shape to back up your position Brother bozodeclowne . Otherwise, you're just blowing smoke. In these situations it is imperative that you don't say things you don't mean to your spouse, and even more importantly, that you don't kid yourself about what you truly are prepared to do - or not do.
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Post by bozodeclowne on May 8, 2020 11:47:12 GMT -5
If your position is truly - "I can't do this anymore, and I'll be leaving" - then you'd better have an alternative plan in do-able shape to back up your position Brother bozodeclowne . Otherwise, you're just blowing smoke. In these situations it is imperative that you don't say things you don't mean to your spouse, and even more importantly, that you don't kid yourself about what you truly are prepared to do - or not do. Absolutely. Planning to leave "one day" isn't really a plan at all. I've done plenty of planning throughout my life that never produced any tangible results. Some of that was useful from a learning perspective, but offers little utility without execution. Sort of like blowing smoke at your own reflection in the mirror.
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Post by saarinista on May 8, 2020 15:58:41 GMT -5
You guys, the longer I'm here, the more convinced I am that by the time a marriage has been sexless for years, the more hopeless it is to make it a real marriage again.
You either go without, get it from an AP, or get a divorce and try again or not.
It sucks, but them's the facts. 😡😡
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Post by baza on May 8, 2020 21:18:54 GMT -5
You guys, the longer I'm here, the more convinced I am that by the time a marriage has been sexless for years, the more hopeless it is to make it a real marriage again. You either go without, get it from an AP, or get a divorce and try again or not. It sucks, but them's the facts. 😡😡 I've been a member of the old EP/ILIASM group (the precursor to this ILIASM group) since February 2009 and what you say is pretty much born out by my observations over that 10 year plus period Sister saarinista . There are examples where members have had a turnaround in their deals ( timeforliving2 being an example ) but unfortunately such cases are noticeable because of their rarity. They are very thin on the ground, and that's the sad fact. The chances of *you* being one of the pitifully few turnarounds is bloody awful. That's not to say you shouldn't have a crack at turning it around (you probably should have a go at it, so you know you did everything you could toward that goal) but *you* do need to be realistic about what your chances of turning it around are, and *you* do need to set yourself a reasonable time frame you are going to devote to that goal.
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Post by saarinista on May 8, 2020 21:32:24 GMT -5
baza I've been cracking at it and realized a long time ago the sex is dead in my marriage. My dilemma is what to do now. I'm thinking. This forum has helped me realize I'm not crazy or alone, and that I don't have to do anything, though I probably should at some point. We've ready had talks, I've outsourced once (yeah, I still remember how to do it!) but actually divorcing and moving is a huge step. I care for my husband and he me. We just never were really compatible sexually, but it happens. I'd prefer just to have an open marriage ATM but with the pandemic I can't even outsource. Heck, I can barely IN-source! 🙄😁🤦♀️ Time will tell.
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Post by Handy on May 8, 2020 22:19:15 GMT -5
I am in a similar frame of mind Sassrinista, but I want out. It is tough to do without hurting the spouse.
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Post by csl on May 8, 2020 22:57:43 GMT -5
You guys, the longer I'm here, the more convinced I am that by the time a marriage has been sexless for years, the more hopeless it is to make it a real marriage again. You either go without, get it from an AP, or get a divorce and try again or not. It sucks, but them's the facts. 😡😡 To quote Sportin' Life, in Porgy and Bess, "it ain't necessarily so." I must demur, as I know of a goodly number that have changed after years of sexlessness and refusal. One of the best examples I can give is the writer of the blog, Forgiven Wife.
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Post by baza on May 8, 2020 22:59:22 GMT -5
baza I've been cracking at it and realized a long time ago the sex is dead in my marriage. My dilemma is what to do now. I'm thinking. This forum has helped me realize I'm not crazy or alone, and that I don't have to do anything, though I probably should at some point. We've ready had talks, I've outsourced once (yeah, I still remember how to do it!) but actually divorcing and moving is a huge step. I care for my husband and he me. We just never were really compatible sexually, but it happens. I'd prefer just to have an open marriage ATM but with the pandemic I can't even outsource. Heck, I can barely IN-source! 🙄😁🤦♀️ Time will tell. Well Sister @saaranista , here's another observation also based on 10 plus years of experience here. If you've been a member here for at least 2 years and are still in your ILIASM deal, the chances are quite high that you'll be staying in your deal indefinitely. There have been a couple of outliers to this ( Sisters tamara68 and pointbreakgirl ) who went beyond 2 years here but eventually got out, but they are somewhat rare.
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