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Post by baza on Apr 9, 2019 19:44:47 GMT -5
Sister JMX 's recent post prompted this offering. It is about boundaries, where you set them, and how you defend them in an ILIASM environment. It is imperative in a relationship that you have boundaries, and equally important that you are prepared to defend such boundaries .... because if you set a boundary, but then can't (or won't) defend it, then you may as well not have the boundary at all. It is for this reason that any boundary you set is a boundary you are prepared to defend. There is not much point in saying - "unless you (insert what you want here) I will leave you" if you are not actually prepared to leave. All you'll do in this instance is shred your cred. So your boundary setting needs to be realistic. And limited to what you are actually prepared to do. And what you are prepared to do - today - might be pretty modest. Like Sister JMX post - where she stated in a birthday card to him that until such time as he went to the Doctors to get checked out, he could look forward to another card for xmas, anniversary etc with the same message. You can read her story and see how that worked out if you like. The thing is, this was something Sister JMX WAS prepared to do. It wasn't an earth shattering choice, it wasn't a bold, dramatic and grand action designed to fix things up in one fell swoop. It was something our Sister was prepared to do. It was a step in what might prove to be a series of steps of building appropriate boundaries. Key to it all is "what you are prepared to do, today" - and the answer to that, for many, is "nothing" - which is fine, for today. That is where some of our most esteemed members (like choosinghappy shamwow timeforliving2 richfairy72 etc etc) were at one time too. But incrementally, they started out with modest things they were prepared to do. And incrementally what they were prepared to do became bolder as success built on to success (hard painful success)
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Post by shamwow on Apr 9, 2019 20:39:48 GMT -5
This is so true.
Even if the boundary is to refuse to kick the football again, that is a healthy and necessary step.
Small steps add up
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Post by richfairy72 on Apr 10, 2019 17:52:35 GMT -5
Yes so true. And I'm still finding the need to have strong boundaries with my ex as I still have contact because of the kids. Sadly he still tries to keep up his abuse, financial, emotional and social and to push against any boundary I try to enforce.
The weird thing is that the more emotional and physical distance between us, the easier it is to put a firm boundary down. I think its a gradual process of disconnection which is hard. But I realised one day I literally didn't give a fuck about his games any more.
One caveat to this is, if like me setting the boundary of leaving is likely to set off aggressive behaviour then please seek support before doing so, to keep yourself safe. There's nothing more annoying to a narcissist than them losing their control over you....
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Post by workingonit on Apr 10, 2019 18:58:58 GMT -5
A slightly different thought on emotional boundaries-
I was told by a therapist I was working with when my kids were younger that I should "take the wind out of his (my son's) sail." Meaning when I would react with anger or frustration to his temper tantrum it was feeding it but when I countered with unflappable calm (haha) he would have nothing to feed off and would calm down.
I am now realizing this is what I have to do with my h. He has some interesting perspectives on me that have come out lately (they are not interesting but paint me as the strong bully and him as the victim). There is a natural way I want to explain myself and defend myself but it is just feeding it and hooking into his story. The ultimate boundary is not reacting. It is refreshing and freeing and, really, do I honestly care what he thinks of me? Will it matter in the long run? He is going to tell himself whatever story he has to in order to avoid looking at his own shit. Already that feels like it is not my concern and soon it will be in my past. And not getting hooked into his drama is good practice for long term co-parenting and grandparenting in the future.
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Post by lessingham on Apr 11, 2019 9:29:48 GMT -5
A motivational speaker once said, right now exactly what you have is exactly what you want. If you don't want it, why are you not changing it?
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Post by flashjohn on Apr 11, 2019 9:43:02 GMT -5
This was my mistake in my marriage to my refuser. I should have told her before the wedding that no sex means no marriage. Then when she refused to fuck on the wedding night, I would have packed up, got on a plane to Lubbock, and got that joke of a marriage annulled the next Monday.
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 11, 2019 10:36:20 GMT -5
A motivational speaker once said, right now exactly what you have is exactly what you want. If you don't want it, why are you not changing it? Wow. Put that one in the quotes thread! Insightful.
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 11, 2019 10:39:35 GMT -5
workingonit A friend on Facebook posted this today and I think it’s so applicable to what you wrote, above:
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Post by csl on Apr 13, 2019 13:34:48 GMT -5
A motivational speaker once said, right now exactly what you have is exactly what you want. If you don't want it, why are you not changing it? Really? Okay, SM denizens, how many of you really, deep-down, want a sexless marriage? Better stated, "Right now, what you have is exactly what you are willing to put up with."
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Post by lessingham on Apr 13, 2019 17:18:57 GMT -5
Better than the Simpson's quote, "I've tried nothing and i am fresh out of ideas".
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jgb
Junior Member
Posts: 32
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Post by jgb on Apr 13, 2019 18:15:51 GMT -5
Apropos of absolutely nothing...
In this context, the splitting hairs, OMG really?, Pedants-like-you-are-why-we-can't-have-nice-things, correct term is "defensible boundaries"
The two words are nearly identical, but "defendable" is mostly used for actual physical defense. Whereas "defensible" is for an argument or stance that you can...uh..defend.
Carry on
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 13, 2019 18:17:54 GMT -5
CSL said: "Really? Okay, SM denizens, how many of you really, deep-down, want a sexless marriage?"
I believe most would prefer their sexless marriage to not being married at all. Otherwise, they'd be divorced. Speaking from experience. When divorce seemd better than my marriage, I divorced.
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Post by csl on Apr 13, 2019 20:29:01 GMT -5
CSL said: "Really? Okay, SM denizens, how many of you really, deep-down, want a sexless marriage?" I believe most would prefer their sexless marriage to not being married at all. Otherwise, they'd be divorced. Speaking from experience. When divorce seemd better than my marriage, I divorced. Hence my mantra on my blog, "You will tolerate the status quo until it becomes intolerable."
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Post by baza on Apr 17, 2019 22:21:24 GMT -5
I think it is an incremental process, this getting to the point where what once was tolerable now tips over into not tolerable. It takes a fair while to happen to go from "not being prepared to put the marriage on the line" to "being prepared to put the marriage on the line" to bring it to resolution. Either in the style of Brother timeforliving2 or in the manner of Brother shamwow . And I know in my personal circumstances, it was not a matter of some 'new' issue that emerged in my ILIASM deal to move me from "tolerable" to "intolerable" but was rather just the accrual of 'more of the same' - like the straw that broke the camels back. I sometimes think that in retrospect, had I reached my "intolerable" level sooner, and put the marriage on the line sooner, then it would have been brought to resolution one way or the other way sooner. Indeed real early intervention before the situation became entrenched might maybe have given a way better chance of a turnaround. But like most people here, it took me too long to get to "intolerable" and by then there was not much of the relationship left. As it turned out, by the time "intolerable" was reached the relationship had collapsed under seething resentment (on both our parts) Anyway, my personal tolerance level was way too high and I chose to let the situation drift on. I own that choice. Just as my missus owns the choices she made in our deal.
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Post by smith227 on Apr 18, 2019 23:11:14 GMT -5
CSL said: "Really? Okay, SM denizens, how many of you really, deep-down, want a sexless marriage?" I believe most would prefer their sexless marriage to not being married at all. Otherwise, they'd be divorced. Speaking from experience. When divorce seemd better than my marriage, I divorced. True. I’m currently sitting in my very own apartment about to go to bed on my very own air mattress all on my very own. I could be in a furnished house, sleeping on an actual bed...next to a refuser, but I decided nah. I’m good here.
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