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Post by h on Jun 19, 2019 11:04:44 GMT -5
Ok- time for another introspective question. Are your beliefs about marriage supporting your needs, expanding your choices, and empowering you? My beliefs about marriage are supporting my need... to get out of this one. My beliefs about marriage have changed but originally kept me trapped and limited my choices. After my transformation/examination/clarification of my beliefs, I do feel empowered in that I have shed the guilt I once had for failing at marriage when in reality there was nothing I ever could have done to make it work.
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Post by sadkat on Jun 19, 2019 13:24:35 GMT -5
Ok- time for another introspective question. Are your beliefs about marriage supporting your needs, expanding your choices, and empowering you? My beliefs about marriage are supporting my need... to get out of this one. My beliefs about marriage have changed but originally kept me trapped and limited my choices. After my transformation/examination/clarification of my beliefs, I do feel empowered in that I have shed the guilt I once had for failing at marriage when in reality there was nothing I ever could have done to make it work. h- you’ve come a long way in your self discovery. Kudos to you! The path you have chosen is not easy by any means. I hope that you find true joy at the end of it.
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Post by Handy on Jun 19, 2019 18:12:27 GMT -5
Sadkat, I was on another forum and we did something similar to this like-dislike-describe yourself. After a year one of the more adventureous members paired up members who seemed the most likely to be attracted and compatible with each other. Then she asked if her matches met with other people's approval. We had M-F matches and same gender matches as good friends.
Any chance of that happening on this forum? Most of the data is there and we only need a brave person with some matching skills to do the assessments.
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Post by Handy on Jun 19, 2019 18:14:15 GMT -5
Are your beliefs about marriage supporting your needs, expanding your choices, and empowering you?
I am somewhat like H in that I have shed a lot of guilt about wanting to go on my own.
My beliefs, sSupporting my needs = no, not presently. It wouldn't take much to change things.
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Post by sadkat on Jun 20, 2019 10:30:42 GMT -5
Sadkat, I was on another forum and we did something similar to this like-dislike-describe yourself. After a year one of the more adventureous members paired up members who seemed the most likely to be attracted and compatible with each other. Then she asked if her matches met with other people's approval. We had M-F matches and same gender matches as good friends. Any chance of that happening on this forum? Most of the data is there and we only need a brave person with some matching skills to do the assessments. Handy- I am an introspective girl so coming up with questions comes easily to me (along with help from my friend Google). Match-making, not so much. If someone else on this forum would like to make a stab at it, I’m all for it!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2019 14:18:13 GMT -5
I don't really have any of my old conceptions about marriage except one, I stay mostly for the kids. We're not dysfunctional (no more than most) just not passionate lovers. The rub is that my beliefs aren't necessarily empowering me but I like to think that staying keeps our kids grounded.
They're all in College, one just finished so that may change. I did a lot of reading a couple years ago when we became empty nesters and divorce hits them hard too. I'm not saying that they wouldn't have been OK but I'm playing the odds.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 20, 2019 16:55:55 GMT -5
Are your beliefs about marriage supporting your needs, expanding your choices, and empowering you? Certainly, my perspective on marriage has changed a lot since I took that leap so many years ago. It’s so much easier to be starry-eyed and casual about it when you have nothing and it’s a green field; hindsight being 20/20, far too much is assumed and left to defaults, and it’s way too easy to firmly root a bad situation before you realize the consequences. I personally like the concept of long-term monogamous commitment; what I don’t like are the defaults that come to play if they’re not defined otherwise. Marriage grants far too much entitlement in my opinion, while a marriageless relationship affords too little legally. Regardless of which path, I think it warrants being much more explicit about things like prenuptial agreements or trustees / beneficiaries to clearly define the expectations and entitlements. The hard part is convincing a lovestruck couple with no assets that they should spend money to plan for divorce. However, my enlightened beliefs don’t change the situation that I’m already in, so it’s kind of academic right now.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 21, 2019 12:18:32 GMT -5
I don't really have any of my old conceptions about marriage except one, I stay mostly for the kids. We're not dysfunctional (no more than most) just not passionate lovers. The rub is that my beliefs aren't necessarily empowering me but I like to think that staying keeps our kids grounded. They're all in College, one just finished so that may change. I did a lot of reading a couple years ago when we became empty nesters and divorce hits them hard too. I'm not saying that they wouldn't have been OK but I'm playing the odds. Everyone's mileage varies but I will say that living with two parents who fight constantly has a negative impact. I can remember well standing between my quarreling and parents and telling them just get a divorce already. And this was like in the 1970s when I was a little girl. And people hardly GOT divorced back then, or not so many. So my parents gutted it out till death. And I love them and I'm sad they were miserable. And I hope they didn't stay miserable for me. I dont know; it's hard to know. In some ways I'm glad I don't have kids. In other way it is it it Grieves me deeply. Yada yada. I'll say this: no matter what you do, your kids can still turn out to be rejecting, nasty people. There are no guarantees with kids. As a childless person married to a man who stayed married a long time for the kids who now won't speak to him, I would advise parents to remember to take care of themselves and their marriages first. It's just like an airplane. Put on your oxygen mask first then put it on the child otherwise you'll be dead and then you'll be of little help to anyone.
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Post by Handy on Jun 21, 2019 16:30:56 GMT -5
Saarinista, is partially correct. My kids are decent but one wants and wants financially. I used to help more in the past but I cut way back. I can now feel the distance.
Tooyoungtobeold, you should consider the kids feelings in a potential divorce situation but the kids should not be your only concern.
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Post by sadkat on Jun 23, 2019 18:30:44 GMT -5
Ok- time for another introspective question. Are your beliefs about marriage supporting your needs, expanding your choices, and empowering you? I can clearly see now that my beliefs about marriage were very old fashioned. I believed the vows I made were ones that I needed to stick to regardless. I believed I needed to be a good wife- to take care of my husband’s well being, keep up with the house, take care of my kid, and work a full time job to help support the family. I didn’t really consider what I wanted from the marriage. Looking back, it’s now so clear that my marriage didn’t support my needs and certainly wasn’t empowering. I limited myself in a lot of ways and cannot place the blame solely on my h. Therapy has helped quite a bit in understanding myself and recognizing what I need to be happy.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 24, 2019 0:02:34 GMT -5
Ok- time for another introspective question. Are your beliefs about marriage supporting your needs, expanding your choices, and empowering you? I can clearly see now that my beliefs about marriage were very old fashioned. I believed the vows I made were ones that I needed to stick to regardless. I believed I needed to be a good wife- to take care of my husband’s well being, keep up with the house, take care of my kid, and work a full time job to help support the family. I didn’t really consider what I wanted from the marriage. Looking back, it’s now so clear that my marriage didn’t support my needs and certainly wasn’t empowering. I limited myself in a lot of ways and cannot place the blame solely on my h. Therapy has helped quite a bit in understanding myself and recognizing what I need to be happy. Keep up the therapy! I think a marriage works well when taking care of your partner is HAPPY work. I'm 59 and though I'm quite liberal politically ( not that I like labels, but if someone had to label me, they'd probably label me a liberal,) in my heart I'm fairly traditional. I'm also kind and considerate. I was brought up to be that way and I'm not going to change. I guess what DOES need to change is I need to be either in no relationship, or a relationship where my consideration is noticed, appreciated and somehow reciprocated. Currently, that is not the case. And that's a problem. Now certainly my husband is not a big bad meanie who never does anything nice for me. That is far from the case. But he lives in his own world, with an increasingly rigid value system that disdains any views other than his own. It's so exhausting. Add that to the fact that he not only hasn't initiated sex in nearly a decade and poo-poos my express requests for sex (in the past) but actively denigrates sex in only the context of internet porn as something that's destroying America.... I can't do this, people. Unfortunately, I am unemployed, and it would be difficult for me to move out immediately without a job, so I'm going to get a job. Certainly I have education, skills and experience; it's just that I've been out of the workforce for quite some time thanks to the recession of 2008, taking care of aging parents and so forth. Being unemployed has done a number on my self-confidence, but I can get back in there. I must. My sanity depends upon it. In fact, that's a more critical issue than sexlessness for me.
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Post by Handy on Jun 24, 2019 1:46:00 GMT -5
Saarinista ......denigrates sex.............
I know a woman that is probably somewhat older than your H, and has mostly negative things to say about sexuality. Would that work for your H? :grin:
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Post by sadkat on Jun 24, 2019 9:46:33 GMT -5
Your question for today: If you had a magic wand and could change one thing in your life, what would it be and why?
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Post by isthisit on Jun 24, 2019 9:50:51 GMT -5
Your question for today: If you had a magic wand and could change one thing in your life, what would it be and why? One of my children has some health challenges. I would undo those for her in an instant if this was possible. She is 15 and has faced the challenge with dignity, fortitude and resilience, but it would be lovely if she didn't have to. Ideally, she would have the rest of her life to develop these qualities.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 24, 2019 11:14:12 GMT -5
Saarinista ......denigrates sex.............
I know a woman that is probably somewhat older than your H, she is glued to FOX news and has mostly negative things to say about sexuality. Would that work for your H? :grin:
You mean your wife? Well, dh is 71. He's a great guy in many ways. I am aching at the thought of his living alone. But he may not care. Everyone sees happy differently. Let's talk offline about this. ;-)
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