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Post by solodriver on Jan 15, 2019 0:53:49 GMT -5
Numbness and hiding and suppression are the real things to avoid. That's hard not to do in SMs.
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Post by sadkat on Jan 15, 2019 8:05:25 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2019 8:08:22 GMT -5
I love Mark Manson ... and agree much of what he writes is spot on.
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Post by h on Jan 15, 2019 8:40:45 GMT -5
Excellent article. I found it very relatable. I think that my own marriage is about devoid of chemistry according to the definition in the article. We would probably be around 70-80% on the compatibility scale and that is actually improving as we go along. Through our time together over the years, our values and interests have both slowly shifted closer to one another from when we first started dating. We learn more about each other's general living preferences and strive to accommodate each other as much as possible. We try each other's hobbies and attempt to join each other in activities. To be honest though, there's lots of Netflix and meal planning discussion just like the article described. Functional communication has taken up most of our time together now. Our chemistry though, was great before we got married. We were the sickly in love couple that disgusted others way back before we made it legally binding. The difference was that we were not having sex then. Everything was as good as it possibly could be because we were waiting for marriage so there was no expectation of sex to be let down or disappointed with. The rejection hadn't started yet. After the "I do's" was when the chemistry started to die. Before marriage, I had the anticipation of future sex to keep me invested in the relationship and the patience to wait until marriage (huge mistake resulting from a conservative Christian upbringing). Since we both had decided to wait until marriage, we didn't have any conversations about sex, both assuming incorrectly that things would all work out for the best once the rings were on. We didn't know that the portion of our values that we weren't talking about was the one area we were least compatible. We just assumed that our chemistry then and the things we were compatible about meant that we must be compatible in all the other ways too. Damn assumptions...
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Post by carl on Jan 15, 2019 13:37:23 GMT -5
Question for today- What’s the latest movie you saw that you enjoyed? I am hopeless at choosing movies. So I just watch random ones. Last one I liked was gone baby gone. The ending was quite thought provoking so that was good. Almost stopped watching it half way though because there was so much swearing it got a bit wierd. I often have to stop watching movies if they are really violent. I find I even get startled or feel faint which is odd because I am not like that. Some films have a sexual part which is ok but it seems like the scenes are made to shock or disturb the viewer so ... yeah I guess I am a bit sensitive there too these days. Am I sounding like fun or what ?
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Post by carl on Jan 15, 2019 14:18:36 GMT -5
I love Mark Manson ... and agree much of what he writes is spot on. I could feel plenty of chemistry for someone if they were compatable or kind. I find the two qualities of compatability and chemistry are like one to me in that I would feel a deep chemistry for someone I was compatable to. I think my wife and I are compatable - I think (hope) one can be comparable with lots of different people. We must all be similar deep down ?
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Post by Handy on Jan 15, 2019 15:35:27 GMT -5
RE: Mark Manson Chemistry is felt immediately and by both parties equally. The most important rule about chemistry is that whatever you’re feeling, he or she is most likely feeling it too. You almost become empaths for one another.
“True love is when two people have pathologies that complement one another.”
Unlike compatibility, a lack of chemistry doesn’t repel one another. A lack of chemistry simply results in a lack of emotional intensity. Things just feel kind of dead and boring when you are together.
Chemistry is also reflected in the bedroom. A lack of chemistry will mean boring, emotionless sex. A high degree of chemistry will mean intense, life-altering, heart-pounding sex that causes your mind to cosmically splatter itself on the walls of your consciousness.
Compatibility and chemistry don’t necessarily always occur together. A relationship with high compatibility but little chemistry is likely to be a boring yet convenient series of meetings and conversations, dry and dull until both parties simply stop caring and drift apart,
Chemistry without compatibility on the other hand, usually leads to disaster. Sometimes it can be as simple as not living in the same part of the world. But usually it’s far more complicated than that. It’s when it feels so right, but you know it’s so wrong.
The catch at the website:
Put your email in the form to receive my 29-page e-book on healthy relationships.
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Post by Handy on Jan 15, 2019 21:45:33 GMT -5
I usually thought compatibility was needed for a satisfying long term relationship so that part wasn't new to me. It just seems logical and somewhat measurable so people should be able to figure out if a person they are dating is a good match. OTH, people act niece in the beginning of a new relationship so it might be difficult to really find out what their real personality is like. Throw in some NRE new relationship energy and that adds another layer of sugar coating to any newer relationship.
The chemistry part, I understand it but it is sort of a puzzle to me. Why, because egos or lack of ego could cause me to think someone would not be interested in me because of my belief that a trait I posses is not what attracts a woman. OTH, I can error on the other side and think several women would be attracted to my handy man and other skills. With my W I rarely crack a joke or add humor because it doesn't work around her. Out in public I can pull off a fer wise cracks that seem to go over well. I have read so many posts by women saying a sense of humor is very important. I can do the serious bit too good so I try to add in humor to fit in.
Anyway, the chemistry part seems anti Mr Spock (Star Trek Reference). I have watched programs about chemical/emotional attraction and know things like body scents and physical traits can play a big part in attraction. Because I am not a celebrity or have won the lottery, I will not aspire to be in those categories, hoping to attract or look good in the eyes of women in general.
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Post by solodriver on Jan 16, 2019 2:25:41 GMT -5
Question for today: If you had a Saturday all to yourself, what would you do? This seems appropriate
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Post by sadkat on Jan 16, 2019 8:40:54 GMT -5
Question for today- What is one place you really want to visit and why?
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Post by isthisit on Jan 16, 2019 9:26:58 GMT -5
Question for today- What is one place you really want to visit and why? So I have been fortunate to visit many of the places about which I was curious. One of the remaining places for me has to be the Himalayas. I have seen them from a plane, but I would love to see the scale and majesty of the mountains from the ground. Getting there looks a bit hairy though!
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Post by h on Jan 16, 2019 9:44:54 GMT -5
Question for today- What is one place you really want to visit and why? I would like to visit as many places in the US as possible and have already seen many. I love road trips. Someday though, I really want to visit Switzerland. I've done lots of research and my family came through Ellis Island in 1899 from Bern. It would be nice to see where my ancestors originated.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 16, 2019 10:12:32 GMT -5
I think I might like to visit the part of Germany know as Hesse. I am descended from Hessian mercenaries sent over by King George III to fight the colonists. It might be interesting to see what they left behind to stay in America.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 16, 2019 10:13:27 GMT -5
I’d like to visit Iceland and see the northern lights.
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Post by workingonit on Jan 16, 2019 10:25:39 GMT -5
I cannot answer this question adequately! I have such chronic wanderlust! I prefer road trips to plane trips but also love international adventures. I love off the beaten path places, connecting with people who live there.
My future life plan, actually, involves me travelling for at least 6 months out of the year. I am hoping to be in that life by 5 years from now.
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