Post by ballofconfusion on Oct 18, 2018 11:10:24 GMT -5
Once my divorce is final I will proceed with an annulment and then I will happily go back to my maiden name. My kids are older and will understand that I simply do not want to have that man's name any longer. The marriage was a total sham. I want my identity back and no longer wish to be associated with him. Honestly, I would like to blot him from my mind. The kids are the only positive from 25 years.
Others on here may feel differently, but in my case I was used by someone who could not or would not face his true self. I was a prop and my needs counted for nothing. I was lied to from the very beginning. The marriage did not simply disintegrate like so many others. Rather, it never existed in the first place. I can't wait to rid myself of that daily reminder...his name.
Interesting. I can understand a man feeling that way about an ex, especially if he is re-married. “Hey, gimme my name back!”
I did ask my ex if I could keep his name. He was fine with it. I think it allows him to “keep me” to some degree. I just wanted it for the kids. But whatever!
Well, my husband's ex cheated on him with his best friend, so there's that. Plus, they have grown daughters who changed their names to their husband's names. It was kinda funny when she sent a Christmas Card last year from "The ______" (our last name) when her own kids aren't even that last name and her man has a different last name. It was weird. But, it's all good. I don't care if she keeps it, doesn't mean much.
Every situation is different, though. That's just my example.
I would've changed my name from my ex's but then I got married instead. I am proud of sharing a name with my husband, but I'm kinda old school about that, I know. It used to bother me his ex has it too, but now it doesn't phase me. She's his daughters' mother and it's all good. I'm married to the man of my dreams. Her last name doesn't change that.
Last Edit: Oct 28, 2018 22:20:55 GMT -5 by WindSister
Those who feel lovable, who love, and who experience belonging simply believe they are worthy of love and belonging. - Brene Brown
One of the smartest thing I did was give my son my surname as a middle name when he was born, I didn't realise it at the time, but it really worked out. It's not hyphenated or anything. Just an extra middle name. So it's on his passport, etc. It was actually something that my ex had as well - his mother's maiden name as an extra middle name (she changed hers). He got luckier with his though - his mother's maiden name is cooler and easier to spell than mine.
When my partner proposed to me, he also said "But you can't change your name..." he has a thing about that. :-)
As it happens I can change my name to anything I like by deed poll. But I won't be changing mine to his. His surname isn't even his surname really - it's a name his grandfather picked out of a phone book to sound English - they were Jewish refugees. And even if it was his 'real' name, I wouldn't change it. I've had this one for nearly half a century and I've just got used to it. :-)
My ex got all sniffy about me not changing my name on marriage. He would occasionally choose to badger me with that, which of course got right up my nose. He even ramped it up when things were really bad - as if my name was the problem and not his abuse and neglect. Once I told him "Look, if it bothers you so much to have a wife with a different last name - we can fix that." And he never mentioned it again.
Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 30, 2018 8:39:59 GMT -5
When I married, his first wife had still kept her married name. Daily life, she usually “went by” her maiden, but official papers still showed her married name.
When I proposed to my H, I intended to keep my maiden name, partly because of W1’s choice and I felt a bit that only one lady should share it with him - but also because I loved my maiden name, didn’t want to give that up.
In a conversation though, with my future SIL, she asked if I would change it... and during the moment of pause (me hesitating) he got excited about it and blurted happily “You’ll change it, won’t you? At least I hope so”
He was so happy or hopeful or just sweet about it, and I was in love. So I took his name.
I adjusted to that and it did become a part of my identity. Eventually W1 went back to her maiden name.
On deciding to divorce, I knew I wanted my maiden name back. In the decree, it was included that I was “granted the use of” my original name. I still had to file a different paper with a copy of that decree to change my name on license, voting, etc. It was worth the paperwork.
For my 50th birthday, I gifted myself a large tattoo of my family name & crest on the upper left of my back. I cherish this name and my individual identity.
The tattoo session was a hugely healing experience, btw. All that physical pain to match 1:1 all the emotional pain I had experienced in my SM and getting out of the SM to become who I am today. And it looks good, too.
Post by northstarmom on Oct 30, 2018 12:54:36 GMT -5
I didn’t. I changed to my h’s name 2 years after marrying. I decided not to keep my maiden name since I wasn’t close to my dad. When I divorced after 34 married years I didn’t change to my maiden name because I’d had my married name for so long. My maiden name is my middle name.
Post by richfairy72 on Oct 30, 2018 16:13:36 GMT -5
I pretty much think I'll change my name back as soon as the divorce finally comes through. Don't want anything to link me to that dickhead any more. He tried to rip my soul out, and I want to be back to me again.....he thought he owned me. This will be the ultimate 2 fingers up at him......
Post by itsmytime2be on Nov 6, 2018 0:56:47 GMT -5
I definitely wanted my name back! I would be more than happy, if my ex ceased to exist anywhere. However, I did discuss it with my 21 year old daughter, who was fine with it. She said she'd be changing her name when she got married, so it didn't matter to her either way. I changed it, during the finalization of my divorce! Never been happier not hearing his name!
I’m keeping my married name because I want to share the same name as my kids. It’s hard enough for them that their family is fractured. Figured they didn’t need name weirdness too. “Is that your mom? But she has a different last name.” Then kids have to explain...
Well, I felt compelled to stop in and say that this is no longer the case for me. After some deliberation, and as I got further into my career, I decided I wanted to go back to my maiden name. I spoke with my children about it and they were supportive. Ultimately, I decided I just don't want any semblance of belonging to my ex. He possessed me for years (and controlled and manipulated me). I want to be my own woman and dropping the name is symbolic for me. I'm very excited about it being legal soon and proud to have filed all the paperwork myself (I hadn't written it into the divorce decree so I'll be going back to court).
Ultimately, I think this is one of those very personal issues that every woman will work out for herself.
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