Post by greatcoastal on Sept 5, 2018 9:25:28 GMT -5
So.. I am still communicating with this "motherly woman". She's a physical trainer, (retired) she is into health food, she was married for 23 yrs, she used to teach music and all kinds of instruments, she sang in a rock band, etc.....
What's funny is, it comes back to where to meet and what restaurant.
It's crazy! We have had long conversations... she knows that (and I am quoting her) "You are just coming out of your shell, you have a ways to go, this is all new to you". Meanwhile I know, she's been divorced and on her own for 10 yrs.
She also knows that I have not been going out to eat at restaurants, much at all in the last 15 yrs.
She starts with " what would you like to do?"
I got it. I need to take the lead, decide on a time, a place, and weather I pick her up or meet her there.
I do that.
I then get text, " I don't like the food there, the drinks aren't good there, I only go when I know someone who is playing in the band"
(for a place that is so bad , it sure gets packed, and you better get there early to find a parking spot and a table)
Then comes " I fly by the seat of my pants, I do what I want to do when I want to do it, we could go to the whiskey pub and play pool or there's this Sushi restaurant, I am hungry now." ( sushi is one of my least favorite foods, and it's expensive)
She changed the food, the place, and the time on me. Am I willing to try new things, new places, with new people? Yes. Does it take me out of my comfort zone? Absolutely! Would I be more comfortable, in just returning to dating ,to have things go a little more my way? yes!
I am thinking, "This reminds me off those old comedies " "where do you want to go? I don't care wherever you want to go. I don't like that place".
Also, I do make plans, I have certain things I would like to get done today.
Today is my wedding anniversary. I would really like to stay busy and not think about it. I was hoping for a "that would be nice" response to my dinner plans. That things would go smoothly, and I could be pleased with not staying home and no longer just ,avoiding being with someone again.
When you stop thinking of your ex as bitch you will be ready for a healthy relationship.
Of all the things you’ve discussed in your many posts here, the ones that seem to reflect the best and healthiest parts of you are when you talk about dancing and raising your kids. Your empathy, kindness and thoughtful shine through. If you do an online profile, those would be things to highlight. Same would be true when getting to know women in real life.
"when you stop thinking of your ex as bitch you will be ready for a healthy relationship". I am sure there is truth in that. In fact it's like a God send to be away from her and to be more independent day by day.
Then comes dating- The inevitable questions" why did you get divorced ,tell me about it ?". And yet my experience has been with, psychologists, fellow divorce recovery councillors, pastors, attorneys, couples, sheriffs, police, friends,divorced woman , neighbors, my own immediate family,people on this forum, who all say, " what a bitch, you are better off without her".
I no longer need the confirmation, what i need is to learn and practice, is how to tone it down, and move on to more positive things. Meanwhile there is still that side of me that says " OOHH someone else who has gone through what I went through... I can help them!! I need to tone that down, way way down, a lot more. My rescue mode kicks in too much.
Therapy ends up being an hour of bringing up all the problems of the past week, and getting very little solutions. Bad therapy is....well others have written, and I have read chapters about that.
I would much rather meet this new woman and spend hours hearing her positives and sharing mine. The negatives still need to be discussed before I just drop my pants. If it sounds like I am arrogant. There is the reality of what I have been dealing with now that I am out there in the dating world, face to face with woman. That woman want me instantly,long before I want them, well that continues to be my recent experiences. Something I am definitely not used to dealing with after my 25 years of marriage.
It flies right in the face of my humble existence, I am working on it.
Trust this - and you have heard it from women here.
NEVER say “manipulative controller.” NEVER say or do (as in engage or call out) DARVO.
Those are sincerely, your weakest points. Pretend you are like me - JMX should never have a glass of wine on a date as I should never talk about Manipulative Controllers or DARVO.
We both should NEVER.
.when you talk about your past marriage - honestly, you spin out of control. You need to temper that.
New girl has no WANT or CARE for that drama.
“Hi, my name is GC, it is so nice to meet you.”
Then, continue on with questions about HER. She won’t even notice.
Do NOT get heavy at all. When she asks you questions - answer honestly and vaguely: for now. End with a question.
Would I want to know about your batshit crazy stance on DARVO and the manipulative controller bit? Absolutely! But I would dump you in a heartbeat.
Your past is not who you are, but it sours you. I hope you can get past it and try to live in the moment and drop your DARVO and men’s rights bullshit.
I say the latter as someone who believes in men’s rights 😊
Edited to add: I didn’t see the three pages before me. I’ll read until now.
@gc if Sushi is your least favourite food, then SAY SO. It's ok if she doesn't like the place you picked, she has a right to do that. But it's also ok for you to say "Sushi is my least favourite, could we eat somewhere else?"
Heck my partner is a picky eater. We've walked out of restaurants before there wasn't much on the menu he would eat. (No fish, no avocado, no hummus, no creamy sauce of any kind, no food he has to Google...)
I love sushi. I just eat sushi with other people - including my son and one of his sons.
Post by greatcoastal on Sept 6, 2018 15:13:15 GMT -5
WE finally decided on a place to go eat. She's a vegetarian, and all into health food, I don't care about those things. I texted her and said " I mostly look forward to listening to you more, and sharing with you more". I also reminded her, " I don't go out to eat much, I do fast food for me and my daughters and I am used to cooking for 9 people". We went to our local steak house. My church shares a parking lot with them, I used to eat there on Sat. nights during my divorce.
She seemed to understand what a foolish delima this was becoming, when really I just wanted to meet her again.
I had only seen this woman for a few minutes among other people. It felt like a blind date.
I asked her " do you want to sit at a table? a booth? they have high bar stool tables for two near the bar? She said" anywhere is fine, it doesn't matter to me". I lead her to a table and she says" I can't sit in one of those for very long, I'm going to need a pad or something".
I then said" that's fine, that's why I asked you, where you want to sit, you can tell me. lets go ask for a booth."
We were seated at a booth with padded seats. That's just one of those examples of me trying to communicate, giving, thinking of others, and then wondering " how did I mess that up? Why did that have to be a problem.?" (I felt like I gave her an opportunity for an honest response)
She pulled out her readers and told me how she had tried bifocals (progressives) and didn't like them. (people seem to quickly forget that I was a licensed optician.) I then said " I could say quite a bit about why you shouldn't be doing that". I let it go. That was the only thing I even came close to correcting, other than wanting her to let me know where she wants to sit.
I asked her about where she used to live? ( I used to deliver a lot of freight in these areas, I know these places) I asked her to tell me more about the band she sang and played in? I had just as much to share. Talking about the farm house I bought and lived in for 9 years, the small town, the railroad. Her father worked, and died on the railroad. I try to be a good listener.
At one point she asked me about how much do I eat and how much do I weigh ,and what size was my waist? She stands about 5'4" and weighs 107 lbs. I tell her what I weighed in H.S. the size that my kids inherited from my side of the family, my high metabolism, etc.. She told me the weight of her ex H. ( these are the things a physical trainer talks about!) However having a second look at her, and getting to look at mostly her upper body from across the table, she looks 10 yrs older than me, she also acts it when it comes to the lack of things she can't do anymore. ( I hope I don't offend someone, but I am just not ready for that. I hope I have her spirit 10 yrs from now!)
Then a surprise happened. The waitress came to sing to the table beside us. It was their 26th wedding anniversary.
I said to my date, " I wasn't going to say this, but ...today would have been my 26th anniversary! I just want you to know how important this is to me to be here with you" She gave me a high five and said, " Good for you! That's in the past, where it belongs." I picked up my glass and said " here's to new beginnings!"
Then during our conversation we talked about homeschooling, and adoption. ( these older woman DO seem interested in how you raised such a large family) Then it happens. Out comes the part about, my controlling ex. These other woman I've been with,they talk about alcohol, having a gun to there head, drugs, money, etc.. I talk about my controlling ex. It happens. My 'date' ended it by saying, " well you changed that and you got out of it, your kids are all in public school now". And I say" yes I did. Things are better for everyone now."
At one point she talked more about setting me up with some of these filipino woman who hang out at lou's Blues. She said " they will certainly dance with you, and want to go home with you". She seems to think I am making a mistake to have my "need to be desired again" filled. That was 10 years ago for her.
My only response to that was " well, 3 of my children are asian, I am used to that". Again this is all new ground for me, not things I am used to responding too!! All hints that we will be 'friends'.
In the past two months I have met and been introduced to a dozen single women. Some have very little to say, while others have quite a story and are eager to share it.
Different things get said to me as I continue to date woman. When a woman tells me about there gambling ex H. I think, "I've only gambled in Vegas once. I set $100.00 limit and quit. Not a problem. I would be a good choice for you. I meet your standards."
When woman tell me about there alcoholic ex H. I think " The last drink I had was when I was 18. I don't drink or like alcohol. I meet your standards"
My previous date was anxious to talk sex and intimacy and have her needs met and mine filled. I met her standards.
Women tell me their children are grown and out of the house. I tell them my kids are with me every other week. I don't meet their standards.
How I treat one woman varies from how I treat another. meaning what we talk about, and what things we are going to do and talk about doing.
It all is very different than when I was in my early twenties and dating. Especially when you are just getting started again, like me.
Others have said on here , dating is tiring, having to tell your story over and over again, dealing with men that only want sex, or woman that only want to bash their ex and have you pay for everything, etc..." Dating is a pain, I am giving up for now."
I am nowhere near that yet! I am still in the learning stage. learning how to present myself, and still be myself.
The other day I am visiting my friend who works as a guard at my old neighborhood. He thinks he is a matchmaker. ( I don't think he does a very good job of it, but whatever)
I am at the guard house of my old neighborhood visiting my friend. This woman is walking her dog and stops to talk to us. (everyone does) He immediately goes into matchmaker mode, I am like " Oh Gawd". ( this woman is married and probably 20 years younger than me)
Guard: This is greatcoastal he lived here for years, he just got divorced, he lives a few miles away. woman: You got a house near here? Me: Yes, I needed to stay in the same school district for my daughter. Guard: greatcoastal has 6 kids. Woman : Really? ( with a shocked but approving smile) Me: (feeling like I should explain myself, that I have not had multiple marriages) yes, all my kids are in their teens right now. (then comes more explaining) 3 of my kids where adopted from China, that is why they are so close together in age. Woman: Wow! 6 kids, how do you do that? ( she takes another step back, like she is impressed) Guard: He homeschooled them too! Me: ( I feel like doing another face plant) I say " my boys could not speak english and it was the best way for them. We needed a house here because there were 9 of us. 3 of my boys are grown and I don't need as big a house ,It's great to finally downsize" ( I am trying to switch the conversation back to houses and the neighborhood) Woman: (takes another step back) "You homeschooled them too? You are a saint!" Me: "No, no, I am not a saint. What's your dog's name? How old is he? he's very friendly ." (Trying desperately to change the subject)
WE finally got back to talking about her house, who sold it, what condition it was in, etc... Honestly, If this woman, 20 yrs younger than me was "interested in me, and thought I was a saint, due to, umm.... other things about me" I wouldn't know how to handle it!
The 'guilt/obligation factor" kicks in. That 25 yrs of deflecting any advances from another woman, because i was married. That doesn't go away real easy. I am working on it.
My 'story' gets so many different reactions!
Later on the guard says to me " there's another lady who lives here who is getting divorced and wants me to introduce her to some men". He goes on to tell me where they live and that she will most likely get the house. I say" I know her daughter. She is my daughters age, that's Olivia,they rode the bus and went to school together."
So here is another woman, not completely divorced yet but wanting to date, and living 10 houses down the street from my ex.
All a learning experience! ( I just hope I don't get introduced to her at the guard house!)
Post by WindSister on Sept 6, 2018 20:54:46 GMT -5
I read every word of your latest update to get a clear picture. You shared so well, it's like I was there watching you!
Way to go!
Here's what I see.... you are going into this with a bit of fascination for dating and all it entails. I see you also being curious about yourself, your own behavior and actions, in this process with a willingness to learn and grow.
You are doing great!
It is what I did. Oh, how I remember the whole process as I read your words.
Keep on keeping on! It's about more than "looking for love"... you will really learn and grow so much!
Those who feel lovable, who love, and who experience belonging simply believe they are worthy of love and belonging. - Brene Brown
choosinghappy: Hope you had a great birthday h!
Sept 1, 2018 21:19:34 GMT -5
mrrobot: Hi guys, I don't know if this community is still active - if so, I posted a thread at the forum if anyone could give me some light I'd be really thankful! Cheers
Sept 2, 2018 7:48:17 GMT -5
georgia: Hi...I’ve just joined the group. And I simply need a place to vent and hopefully receive some help dealing with my utterly sexless marriage. After 15 years of marriage our sex life has dwindled to nada, zero, nothing.
Sept 3, 2018 14:48:18 GMT -5
kh: why even marry someone with a high libido if you hate sex
Sept 4, 2018 4:28:42 GMT -5
javba: kh - fast forward 2 kids and 20 years later I have not resolved the problem you're looking at. Now I have cracked 51 yrs, have lesser chances of finding someone, not as market-able. You may want to reconsider "child is 8 mon old" with a 50% divorce rate
Sept 4, 2018 10:07:57 GMT -5
DryCreek: mrrobot, georgia, kh - welcome! I see a couple of you have posted your stories in the forum. I think not a lot of folks use this chat because you can only see it on laptops, not on phones. georgia, please do post your story and vent here. We get it.
Sept 6, 2018 10:29:43 GMT -5