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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 14, 2018 7:59:47 GMT -5
northstarmom you are the first one to say that going to therapy won’t convince your spouse to want to fuck you. And I agree. So really, that’s not the objective here, correct? It makes sense to me that itme wants to work on improving his marriage in these ways through therapy and if successful, that will hopefully lead to sex and intimacy. I do think it’s important to make your wants and needs for the future crystal clear though or else she may think everything is great while you’re still incredibly unhappy. This old post might be worth a read: Needs, Desires & Concerns r.tapatalk.com/shareLink?share_fid=1424778&share_tid=3880&url=http%3A%2F%2Filiasm%2Eorg%2Fthread%2F3880&share_type=t
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 14, 2018 8:24:01 GMT -5
Choosinghappy, I agree with what I’ve said before: you can’t make someone love you. I pushed for P’s putting everything he wants on the list and pushing hard for that everything. I think that given what he has written about his wife’s behavior toward him, she is completely unable to be the kind of wife he wants. Using counseling to fight hard for what he wants may give him the clarity to divorce and thus become available for love with a person capable of meeting his needs for intimacy. His marriage has been dead for years. His wife doesn’t love him. He hasn’t accepted that.
He wrote: “9 Aug 2003 Tied the knot (perhaps a bit too tight)
6 Aug 2011 Last time I ever, ever, ever had any sex.
8 Aug 2011 Admitted to a mental hospital (Whoa that was quick... well not really if you think about it...)
9 Aug 2011 Celebrating the anniversary alone in the psych ward.
~15 Aug 2011 Released for good behavior/med compliance. Spent the rest of August and part of September home alone as W was afraid to be with me after dark.
9 Aug 2017 W forgot the anniversary. I didn’t make a big deal about it.
9 Aug 2018 W forgot the 15th anniversary. I went to bed determined to call the lawyer the next morning.”
Now, I can’t be sure if it was stolen or if I relocated it and forgot (haven’t touched it in a while), but I interrogated the girls and I checked the W’s usual hiding places... nothing!
By this time, a mountain of anxiety and a truckload of second-guessing put a halt on my planned phone call.
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Post by csl on Aug 14, 2018 8:57:59 GMT -5
While I "get" this, when I tried to put this on the table -- the "either/or" thing -- my wife couldn't deal. Her view was "marriage is forever", and "we have to work on it to make it work." The fact that I acknowledged divorce is a theoretical option and admitted that I occasionally think about it was deemed by her to be a DEEP betrayal.... just uttering the possibility and admitting to thinking about it. Will your wife be similar? I guess I'm asking: is this something you plan to drop on the table and discuss openly in therapy? Or is it one of your internal goals for marital therapy? You might be "damned if you do, damned if you don't", in this way: the former may undermine the chance of strengthening the marriage (if your wife gets her feathers ruffled like mine), and the latter may undermine the chance of success (as she is now not aware of the potential cost of failure, and also you two are not necessarily working on the same problem). I guess the divorce part of #4 is more of an internal judgement call (to get me past the 2nd guessing). W already knows I have divorce on my mind. And she knows I know she wants a Christian marriage counselor not b/c of religion, but b/c she thinks they will never recommend divorce. I recommend you load up material from my blog, for your Xian counselor, as I make the case for divorce in a number of posts.
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Post by flounder on Oct 14, 2018 6:34:15 GMT -5
She complains that you are negative during the session ?
She doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy in the situation. How can you not hear negatives in therapy? That’s why you are there to begin with. If everything was Roses would we need therapy?
Maybe reality and guilt are settling in.
Glad that she seems to be willing to work on it. Hope she does initiate. Hope that it helps spark the fire in you both.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 14, 2018 7:04:21 GMT -5
itme good on you that you are putting in the work. I hope you get what you need. My h told me last session that I don't share what I am really thinking. He told me he wants "the real" me even if it "tears him up". Well, I forced the conversation to sex, which he will studiously avoid as a topic even in sex therapy! I calmly explained that I feel his explanation for 9 years of sexlessness is flimsy and that I think he has not done the work to really get it. I said sex has always been a toxic aspect of our relationship. Of course he looked shocked and injured and said "How can you be so cruel?" *sigh* This is going nowhere for us. Hope it is better for you!
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 14, 2018 7:11:30 GMT -5
“This is going nowhere for us. Hope it is better for you!”
Obviously therapy is going nowhere because your h is gaslighting and refuses to address the sex problem. He’s doing that because he has the marriage he wants. You don’t. You won’t have the marriage you want. Ball is totally in your court. You can choose to stay knowing you will never have the sex life you want with him. Or you could choose to leave.
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Post by flounder on Oct 14, 2018 10:14:20 GMT -5
“This is going nowhere for us. Hope it is better for you!” Obviously therapy is going nowhere because your h is gaslighting and refuses to address the sex problem. He’s doing that because he has the marriage he wants. You don’t. You won’t have the marriage you want. Ball is totally in your court. You can choose to stay knowing you will never have the sex life you want with him. Or you could choose to leave. Brutally,hammer meet nail.
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