"when she’s angry she says she truly hates me. She said she’s staying only for the kids, that she doesn't love me anymore. she thought i would be stronger, more caring etc. but i dunno. She always had a temper... i dunno how much she mean those things. Maybe she means it 100%, but i’m staying for the kids too, so that makes 2 of us."
By the time I was a teen, I could see my mother was miserable and depressed a lot. I blamed myself because I knew she stayed with my verbally abusive dad for the sake of the kids. I didn't feel grateful, I felt guilty and so resentful that I begged her to leave him. She didn't. As an adult, I realize that her reasons for staying had more to do with her own fears about living as a single and being stigmatized by a second divorce than with concern for me.
Your wife also is teaching your kids how to treat you. While I never said hateful things to my mom, my brother did, including as an adult. As an adult in his 30s, he not only was still calling my mom names, he was expecting her to cater to him in ways that were inappropriate for him to expect. For instance, when he was in his late 30s and my mom was about 80, he expected her to drive across town in the middle of the night to rescue him after his car broke down. My brother also chose an emotionally and verbally abusive woman as his life partner. Police were called to their homes due to domestic abuse. Their children also were removed by the state.
"she throws things on the floor when angry, sometimes slaps my arm or sth like that, but i nvr felt seriously threatened physically by her. Maybe it’s bcoz i’m physically bigger and stronger. Also nvr broke anything of value. She broke an alarm clock or 2, hm... sth like that"
She is physically abusive and threatening. Her behaviors also probably frighten your children. She also is likely to get worse including escalating to more severe physical abuse. What you have now is probably the best your marriage will be for the rest of your marriage.
Having once been a therapist who, among other things, worked with families with domestic abuse, I would bet money that your wife is more verbally abusive and violent with your kids than she is with you. Abusers can be very good at hiding the results of their abuse. There are places or ways that one can physically abuse people without their showing physical signs.
And if she tells her kids things like she hates them, she will be leaving emotional scars that may take them a lifetime to heal.
Again: If I were you, I'd be documenting and recording her behavior and doing whatever it takes to fight for full custody of my children. It is possible to win such cases. For instance, one of my friends won full custody of a child that was the biological child of her lesbian partner (The child was born during their partnership, but they weren't married because gay marriage didn't exist then). The battle took a couple of years, but my friend won it, and her daughter remains very grateful and even as an adult arranged for and paid for herself to be legally adopted by the woman who had won custody.
workingonit said: "Now you have shared some horrible tid bits of info about your w that makes her seem psycho. If this is accurate I think you need therapy to ask why you are putting up with it. That seems to be less important to you than the sex q which is a reasonable place to start your self work. Does some part of you like the drama?"
I agree with workingonit's statement. I do not understand why you even want to have sex with a woman who treats you so vilely. To me your desire to have sex with her and your staying with her so long indicate a lack of compassion for yourself and a lack of knowledge about what is normal and expected in caring relationships. It is not normal or healthy for a person to say the things your wife said to you. It's not normal for people to hit each other or break things during arguments.