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Post by ironhamster on Jun 24, 2018 10:35:59 GMT -5
I would prefer, "he/she cannot love you the way you need to be loved."
I'm sure at points I have shorted that to say "he/she does not love you," and, most certainly said, "that is not love, that is control."
But, what is, love? If someone you loved was hurting, you would want to relieve that hurt. As much as they may love some aspects of us, they are at best ambivalent to our need for intimacy. I do not remember the word "ambivalent" in that old scripture, "love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous or boastful..."
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jun 24, 2018 18:38:04 GMT -5
I have complained about my ex’s coldness and her lack of caring for my needs many many times here before, buf if I am realistic, i know that she did love me. In her own way. Someday she is either going to figure out that she was abused, she is asexual, or she is going to find some tremendously normal wealthy middle aged guy that presses her buttons in the right way. Whatever. It is no longer my problem, and as unlikely as it seems that anyone will ever have an interest in me again, i no longer have to try to chase down her loving me in the way that i need ever again.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 24, 2018 19:28:11 GMT -5
I have complained about my ex’s coldness and her lack of caring for my needs many many times here before, buf if I am realistic, i know that she did love me. In her own way. Someday she is either going to figure out that she was abused, she is asexual, or she is going to find some tremendously normal wealthy middle aged guy that presses her buttons in the right way. Whatever. It is no longer my problem, and as unlikely as it seems that anyone will ever have an interest in me again, i no longer have to try to chase down her loving me in the way that i need ever again. Hey, my STBX could fill that role for her! Maybe we should hook the two of them up. They could have a long (un)happy life together spending money, not touching, and not fucking. Sounds perfect for them.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 24, 2018 22:03:00 GMT -5
...and as unlikely as it seems that anyone will ever have an interest in me again, i no longer have to try to chase down her loving me in the way that i need ever again. There is definitely some comfort in knowing you are not locked into that misery, but whether or not anyone takes interest in you has a lot to do with how available you make yourself. Get out there. Join things, visit places, and talk to people wherever you go. Get on social media and dating sites. There may be a long line of interesting women that are just waiting for someone like you to date.
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Post by unmatched on Jun 25, 2018 0:03:58 GMT -5
You know what the best thing is about being out? I don't need to spend hours trying to figure out whether she loves me in her own way and just can't give me what I need, or doesn't love me, or is just messed up, or whether if I could only figure out the right button to push things might improve a little. Because you know what? It doesn't matter. And with hindsight, the space that opened up inside me as soon as I really got that 'it doesn't matter' was possibly the greatest learning and the greatest benefit from the whole process. (Well, second greatest maybe.)
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 25, 2018 18:35:43 GMT -5
You know what the best thing is about being out? I don't need to spend hours trying to figure out whether she loves me in her own way and just can't give me what I need, or doesn't love me, or is just messed up, or whether if I could only figure out the right button to push things might improve a little. Because you know what? It doesn't matter. And with hindsight, the space that opened up inside me as soon as I really got that 'it doesn't matter' was possibly the greatest learning and the greatest benefit from the whole process. (Well, second greatest maybe.) It's been quite a while, great to hear from you!! Are you divorced? or "out" of your marriage?
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 25, 2018 18:43:11 GMT -5
...and as unlikely as it seems that anyone will ever have an interest in me again, i no longer have to try to chase down her loving me in the way that i need ever again. There is definitely some comfort in knowing you are not locked into that misery, but whether or not anyone takes interest in you has a lot to do with how available you make yourself. Get out there. Join things, visit places, and talk to people wherever you go. Get on social media and dating sites. There may be a long line of interesting women that are just waiting for someone like you to date. Great advice, I am on that ' trial' journey, myself. I would avoid any "dating sites "for now. Type in any sight and look for reviews by sitejabber.com. They are free reviews, not paid reviews. The negatives will make you want to not spend a nickle. The "free" ones are no longer free. www.sitejabber.com/reviews/okcupid.com
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Post by unmatched on Jun 26, 2018 0:15:09 GMT -5
You know what the best thing is about being out? I don't need to spend hours trying to figure out whether she loves me in her own way and just can't give me what I need, or doesn't love me, or is just messed up, or whether if I could only figure out the right button to push things might improve a little. Because you know what? It doesn't matter. And with hindsight, the space that opened up inside me as soon as I really got that 'it doesn't matter' was possibly the greatest learning and the greatest benefit from the whole process. (Well, second greatest maybe.) It's been quite a while, great to hear from you!! Are you divorced? or "out" of your marriage? We have been 'separated' since July, but I didn't actually move out until September. We are not divorced yet but you have to wait a year over here before they will let you. (Then they charge you $800 to submit a form which you can fill in online, but that is another story...)
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