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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 21, 2018 11:31:50 GMT -5
Oh god, she needs help, but that's not your problem.
If I recall, your son is a person with special needs. Are there any support groups for his condition? Like: Autism Spectrum Support Group (I just made that up, but something LIKE that - for families and caretakers to kibbitz and commiserate, thereby giving and receiving support from each other)
Alternately - it is rough to go to meetup groups with a youngun' in tow, but that may be how you need to do it. Making friends of parents at your son's school, or.... reach out wherever you can. I'd strongly suggest looking for an Adult Children of Alcoholics group in your area or online. They were GREAT support for me, in addition to my therapist, to find my voice and use it to tell my H that he would be becoming my Ex.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 21, 2018 11:37:14 GMT -5
I second geekgoddess’ Recommendation of ACOA groups. There also are on line and in person groups for people from dysfunctional families. Google to connect. They are great ways to make supportive friends who empathize.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Apr 21, 2018 11:40:36 GMT -5
Careful making assumptions about what I (or any other person) know or don’t know or admit or don’t admit about our situations. There’s a lot of details left out here. I’m looking for practical advice, here. Really, I know my situation.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Apr 21, 2018 11:42:39 GMT -5
Oh god, she needs help, but that's not your problem. If I recall, your son is a person with special needs. Are there any support groups for his condition? Like: Autism Spectrum Support Group (I just made that up, but something LIKE that - for families and caretakers to kibbitz and commiserate, thereby giving and receiving support from each other) Alternately - it is rough to go to meetup groups with a youngun' in tow, but that may be how you need to do it. Making friends of parents at your son's school, or.... reach out wherever you can. I'd strongly suggest looking for an Adult Children of Alcoholics group in your area or online. They were GREAT support for me, in addition to my therapist, to find my voice and use it to tell my H that he would be becoming my Ex. ACOA - now THAT is more of what I’m looking for. Thank you!
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 22, 2018 8:30:14 GMT -5
Mypsintbrushes, you have made several posts describing how you mom is unable or unwilling to provide the help you want with your marriagecproblems. So it seems that as is typically the case, what happens will be up to you and your willingness to take actions under your control to help yourself.
People here who do support you have suggested: seeing a lawyer; using hotlines or groups or other resources for abused women; using a group like ACA; individual therapy; financial counseling. What are you doing to pursue any of these options?
There are people here who care about you. Is there anything people here can do to help you take actions to help you address your marital challenges?
Reposting your words from another thread so as to remind everyone about some of the challenges you have faced over the years.
“2013 - 2015 - Just treading water. Work goes like gangbusters but my personal life is a mess. I make a friend at the office, who only knows the story about how husband wouldn't take me to the ER after I broke my arm a couple of years prior, and a few other minor things, tells me I'm "stupid" for staying married.
Also, during one of these years, I discover the second mortgage that husband had offered to take on hasn't been paid in over six months and is charged off.
2015 - I have a death in the family and inherit some money, which I used part of to get us caught up on the first mortgage. The second is listed on the credit report as being closed and we don't know who currently handles it. Meanwhile, I am still paying half the first mortgage, plus all the other bills, and every time we go anywhere or do anything, I pay.
June 2015 - Husband screams at me during a fight over a movie and I move in temporarily with my mom. Peace at last!
August 2015 - Husband has a nervous breakdown. Sends me 200+ scary texts in one day (I have the cops check on him; he thinks it's funny). He loses 30 lbs in 3 weeks, begins showing up at my mom's all the time (she lets him hang out while I'm not there or sends him upstairs to find me). He finally wears me down until I agree to "be a family again" one more time.
2016 - We begin marriage counseling. At first, he pays half. After a few months though, he decides I have to pay every time. The counselor knows about our finances and is very diplomatic, saying, "I can tell you guys want the same things..."
2017 - So far this year, he's bought a new car without my input, still has me paying almost all the bills as well as half the mortgage and I'm the "sugar mama" almost whenever we go anywhere. I have a rental house that I inherited that provides additional income - it almost all goes to bills and groceries. Husband gets paid the 30th or the 31st of every month and is always broke around the 10th of the following month (our base salaries not counting the rental are almost exactly the same; I cover medical and dental for the whole family).
About a month or two ago, he decided to try the refinance the first mortgage and was SHOCKED when the second came up on the credit report. He asked me if I remembered why he quit paying it. I do not know what his thought process was.
Kudos to you if you made it through all this. Most of you will probably tell me to file bankruptcy (there goes my career) or sell the house (there goes the family home). A week or two ago, we got into a fight because he'd wanted me to take out a HELOC on my rental (which is in my name only) to pay off the second. Even if I wanted to, I don't qualify for any loan of any kind. He couldn't understand. “
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 22, 2018 8:42:55 GMT -5
There are a few items in the quoted portion that I missed before, or at least failed to remember. Is there a chance he’s using drugs? How does an adult lose 30 pounds in 3 weeks? (I mean, “stimulants” is the fiat, second AND third answer that comes to mind for me.) MPB - do you know where his $ goes in those 10 days? Is he a gambler, or credit card addictive spending or.... what? I do remember the broken arm bit. And that’s selfishness to the point of being inhumane. Which also sounds like “addict thinking” to me. I’m biased because of my experience & my current weekend job - lots of things that could be “perfectly normal” appear, to me, like addictions of some kind. It’s just the current filter for me and may not apply to your H. But - do you think it’s possible?
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Post by saarinista on Apr 23, 2018 13:49:31 GMT -5
Careful making assumptions about what I (or any other person) know or don’t know or admit or don’t admit about our situations. There’s a lot of details left out here. I’m looking for practical advice, here. Really, I know my situation. Understand, though-it's hard for people to give you good advice if we don't know pertinent details about your situation. I understand being reluctant to say certain things online, however. That's why getting help from a licensed professional therapist can be so helpful.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 23, 2018 14:34:10 GMT -5
There are a few items in the quoted portion that I missed before, or at least failed to remember. Is there a chance he’s using drugs? How does an adult lose 30 pounds in 3 weeks? (I mean, “stimulants” is the fiat, second AND third answer that comes to mind for me.) MPB - do you know where his $ goes in those 10 days? Is he a gambler, or credit card addictive spending or.... what? I do remember the broken arm bit. And that’s selfishness to the point of being inhumane. Which also sounds like “addict thinking” to me. I’m biased because of my experience & my current weekend job - lots of things that could be “perfectly normal” appear, to me, like addictions of some kind. It’s just the current filter for me and may not apply to your H. But - do you think it’s possible? As a ps to this post - if you think or suspect he’s into substances, or simply aren’t sure that he’s not - then an Al Anon group may be helpful. Their steps are “the same” as the ACOA ones (and as AA), it’s just the interpretations of how it applies to our lives that is different. Sometimes AlAnon is easier to locate (more meetings per week available) than ACOA groups are. I hope you find a group with good locations & convenient times.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 23, 2018 17:41:11 GMT -5
I’m at my mom’s house and describing for her the events of recent weeks, including h grabbing my face and forcing me to kiss him, blocking my way from leaving the kitchen and insisting that we should combine finances (after almost 20 years together). When, in particular, I described having to wrench my head away, her eyes got big. Then she said: “I don’t know what to tell you,” So I need a support system. One that does NOT include her - I guess - or any of my friends he’s decided are his friends too. Trying not topanic or overthink it. Don't necessarily count mom out yet. Is she previously familiar with your situation? If not she might need a little time to digest and understand then rally. If she already is well familiar with your situation? Then ignore this comment.
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Post by obobfla on Apr 23, 2018 18:16:24 GMT -5
Careful making assumptions about what I (or any other person) know or don’t know or admit or don’t admit about our situations. There’s a lot of details left out here. I’m looking for practical advice, here. Really, I know my situation. Just from reading this thread, here is my advice: 1. Do not spend another night in the same place as that man. He is not stable. In fact, consider a restraining order. It’s a piece of paper, but it gives you the option to call police when he comes close. 2. I would agree with @greekgoddess and others about Alanon. You would be surprised the amount of support you get. 3. Unless you trust a man completely, stick to females for help. You don’t need a white knight type right now, and a lot of men would jump in to help you for all the wrong reasons. 4. See a lawyer ASAP about what financial separation you can do. Hide your money in places he can’t access. I really shouldn’t give advice, but you asked.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 23, 2018 21:00:25 GMT -5
You've gotten a ton of practical advise in this thread. Will you follow any of it? Sometimes advise doesn't sound like we want it to, but that doesn't mean it's not valid. Take care of yourself.
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Post by elynne on Apr 24, 2018 2:16:56 GMT -5
@paintbrushes, any update? How are you doing?
Just my take on growing up with a narcissistic mom, when I began sharing the truth about my marriage she did an awful job of being supportive. She was awful.
She blamed me. When I refused to accept the blame she pulled out, “but you’ve let him get away with this for 10 years. You can’t expect him to change now!”
I informed her that me making a mistake for 10 years was absolutely no reason to continue making that same mistake!
She would say things in a strange sing-song voice like, “oh, I wish I could help you.” It’s hard to describe the oddness of it. If you could imagine someone asking Dr. Spock (Star Trek not the child psychologist) to act as an empathetic mother consoling a child in distress maybe that would capture it. I would tell her, “you can. Listen to me when I talk to you. You can’t fix this but you can listen and if things go south quickly or get dangerous you and Dad have the means to help me out financially. If it comes to it, would you consider co-signing on a mortgage for me?
She could handle the specific tasks if I gave them to her, BUT here’s the big lesson, needing or wanting an empathetic, kind or loving mother will not turn our moms into a good mom. Some people are just incapable of it. It’s like asking a colorblind friend to sort your M&Ms.
If you look closely at your mom and her relationships I’d bet she played either the abuser or the abused as a pattern in her life. She modeled these crappy dynamics for you so that things that should have been huge red flags seemed normal and familiar.
And now when you’re saying “holy shit. This is NOT ok!” it threatens her world. It threatens her beliefs, her choices and if she were to be able to see it clearly it puts her as a very responsible party for where you ended up.
Don’t expect much from her, but demand (by being very clear about your expectations) what you need.
For example, “mom, I worry about my safety. You may not get this, and that’s ok. Based on x’s definition (pick an expert name - these kinds of folks line experts and then they can’t attack your opinion) my marriage is abusive. When an abusive marriage is ending it’s the most dangerous time for the abused spouse. I need you to understand that for my safety and my peace of mind here is what I need:
1. You don’t share information about where I am or what I’m doing with h.
2. That you not let him in the house. He may take that opportunity to snoop, and there is always a chance that I come home while he’s here.
3. I won’t prevent you from seeing him, but I expect you to do it away from the house. Meet for coffee, go to a park. I’d also ask you to look closely at your message if you choose to maintain contact with him. You are choosing an abusive man who has mistreated your own family over your daughter.
Just some thoughts- but take care of yourself and don’t expect much from your mom but demand what you need for safety.
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Post by ihadalove on Apr 24, 2018 18:45:00 GMT -5
Sounds like a restraining order and divorce lawyer are in order. Sexlessness is the least of the problems.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 24, 2018 19:03:24 GMT -5
To successfully meet the challenge of a sexless marriage, one has to realize and act on the fact that there is no SM fairy.
No one can take action to cope with the SM except you. And, since at least 99% of the SMs that are discussed here never become sexually satisfying to the refused, to be happy despite having a SM, one has to either: find a way to be content celibate in a SM; outsource while remaining married; divorce.
Relying on your spouse to change is a waste of time.
Expecting other people -- friends, relatives -- to fix things -- is a waste of time. They can not save you. And if you keep venting to them, after a while they'll get sick of hearing you. BTDT. I remember when one of my friends told me point blank that she was sick of hearing of my SM.
Mypaintbrushes has assets that many here who left SMs didn't have:
a 6 figure income a house that she inherited that provides rental income The ability to take solo vacations such as she did when she went to Hawaii and Canada A mother who has opened her house to Mypaintbrushes and her special needs child. I know some people have suggested that the mother is narcissistic or uncaring. From what Mypaintbrushes has posted, the mother had a longterm marriage to an alcoholic. The mother probably doesn't know what a good relationship should be like. In fact, she probably was in an abusive or neglectful marriage. For her to believe her daughter enough to open her home to her is offering a lot of support -- much more support than many here -- who successfully left marriages -- got from their relatives. Sure, Mypaintbrushes doesn't want her mom to allow her SIL in her home, but it is the mother's home. And, anyway, Mypaintbrushes went back to him after leaving him, so the mother may think it wise to stay on his good side. A nice car
Staying with her husband virtually guarantees financial problems. Already, Mypaintbrushes is paying most of the bills while her husband does things like run up debt and buy a new car. As long as they are married, if they are in a community property state, she will be responsible for half of their assets (except for those gotten through inheritance) and half of the debt. If she is in a longterm marriage (possibly 10 years or longer), she may owe him alimony or part of her retirement.
The members of ILIASM have since August, 2017 given advice: See a lawyer; talk to a financial planner; get involved in Al-Anon or ACA; get individual therapy; get a legal separation; learn about how to safely leave an abuser. It's up to Mypaintbrushes to pick up the ball and take action to protect herself. Not having sex with her abusive, irresponsible, neglectful husband who seems to have mental or drug problems is the least of her worries. The support she needs is the support she needs to give herself by taking steps to improve her life.
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