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Post by northstarmom on Apr 15, 2018 6:44:17 GMT -5
If the sister in law is a refuser, she is the home wrecker.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 15, 2018 8:16:36 GMT -5
Lowering, what if the truth is that she has never more than liked you but married you because you love her and give her a comfortable life? What if she has always not been sexually attracted to you and can’t imagine becoming sexually attracted to you? What if she is willing to remain married for the benefits she receives but the marriage will never include the kind of love you want? Then adiós. But that would mean she won't tell you because she is afraid to tell you these things. She won't tell you because she is a selfish, greedy, manipulative, lying sack of shit. Better off alone with the chance to find someone than a lifetime of that.
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Post by rejected101 on Apr 15, 2018 8:38:55 GMT -5
This article was posted on aven on April 7th coincidentally
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Post by michael on Apr 17, 2018 1:54:27 GMT -5
If the sister in law is a refuser, she is the home wrecker. No, the sister-in-law is sleeping with married men. I can’t respect her actions or the man’s actions if it’s being done behind someone’s back. I always believed you should be proud of everything you do. If you have hide your actions, then you are doing something wrong.
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Post by rejected101 on Apr 17, 2018 2:22:51 GMT -5
If the sister in law is a refuser, she is the home wrecker. No, the sister-in-law is sleeping with married men. I can’t respect her actions or the man’s actions if it’s being done behind someone’s back. I always believed you should be proud of everything you do. If you have hide your actions, then you are doing something wrong. Sometimes the ‘home wrecker’ is incorrectly identified. For example, if I started shagging some other woman, who is the home wrecker? My lover, me, or is it my wife who offers no agreeable solution to the distinct lack of sex? It would always be blamed on me or my lover if that scenario happened (which it never has for me) but I don’t agree.
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Post by elkclan2 on Apr 17, 2018 2:51:36 GMT -5
Yeah, I HATE the term home wrecker. I suppose it's appropriate in certain circumstances where someone is being quite predatory and attempts to seduce someone who wasn't otherwise looking (@windsister's spouse just received an email from one!) but by and large nobody ever ran off with anyone's spouse that wasn't looking to go in the first place. I had affairs with married men too (while I was married and continued in one after I separated) BUT I found them through affairs sites - we all knew what the deal was and they had to register and pay in pursuit of an affair. It was already in their head long before I came along (and same for me).
My long term AP is still with his wife and in many respects they seem to have a great marriage and a respectful partnership, just not sexually. My situation was very different, bad in bed and bad elsewhere.
But who wrecked my home? Maybe me. But certainly my ex who was not even willing to offer the crumbs that I would have gratefully received. Of course, it's always possible I would have woken up one day and realised I was getting crumbs. If anyone 'wrecked' my home it was the people on this forum who helped me open my eyes. I'm grateful. I'm away from an abusive relationship and I'm in an amazing one. Full of little things like preparing meals together, supporting each other, being kind and considerate and great sex.
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Post by surfergirl on Apr 17, 2018 13:28:13 GMT -5
michael wrote, “If you have to hide your actions, you’re doing something wrong.” Are you willing to give your wife your username and password to this site? If not, does that make you wrong and bad?
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 17, 2018 13:56:22 GMT -5
If the sister in law is a refuser, she is the home wrecker. No, the sister-in-law is sleeping with married men. I can’t respect her actions or the man’s actions if it’s being done behind someone’s back. I always believed you should be proud of everything you do. If you have hide your actions, then you are doing something wrong. Wait who is hiding thier actions? The refuser that is hiding the roommate situation as a marriage? Or the person that is getting there psychological needs forefilled by someone else's when thier spouse refused to "have and hold" after they pubicaly declared that they would do so? I previously agreed with being poud of your actions but your pride can kill you. It can slowly drive you into a depression because your are to proud to acknowledge that you need your psychological needs forefilled by someone else when your spouse refuses to forefill them.
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Post by michael on Apr 17, 2018 14:56:22 GMT -5
michael wrote, “If you have to hide your actions, you’re doing something wrong.” Are you willing to give your wife your username and password to this site? If not, does that make you wrong and bad? I’m not ashamed to be on this forum. But as far as telling my wife about it. Well I did shortly before I joined here she never said anything so I assumed she just disregarded it as stupid. I’m not ashamed of my posts either, but she would take it as me “airing dirty laundry.” So I don’t bother.
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Post by h on Apr 17, 2018 15:45:06 GMT -5
If the sister in law is a refuser, she is the home wrecker. No, the sister-in-law is sleeping with married men. I can’t respect her actions or the man’s actions if it’s being done behind someone’s back. I always believed you should be proud of everything you do. If you have hide your actions, then you are doing something wrong. So who then is really the home wrecker? Is it the person sleeping with married people, or is it those married people's refusing spouses? I would argue that in the case of a sexless marriage, the home was already wrecked before the affair started.
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Post by michael on Apr 17, 2018 19:20:48 GMT -5
No, the sister-in-law is sleeping with married men. I can’t respect her actions or the man’s actions if it’s being done behind someone’s back. I always believed you should be proud of everything you do. If you have hide your actions, then you are doing something wrong. So who then is really the home wrecker? Is it the person sleeping with married people, or is it those married people's refusing spouses? I would argue that in the case of a sexless marriage, the home was already wrecked before the affair started. You might be right. But, cheating is super wrong in my eyes. It is deliberately hurting someone. Refusers don’t necessarily know they are hurting someone. Although I’m sure most do.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 17, 2018 20:11:35 GMT -5
When I was married I wrestled with the do I cheat? Do I continue to try to fix this marriage? Do I stay celibate? Do I stay faithful? (I was in a SM from the beginning for twenty plus years and faithful, the only man I ever slept with). I heard of Ashley Madison but I did nothing for a year. I needed to figure out what was the right thing for me. It was on EP (the old forum) that I read "the refusers broke the marriage vow". That line helped free me. I felt that he already broke the marriage vow of to love and cherish. He was not being honest about his sexuality and he certainly wasn't interested in mine. I decided if he is not interested in my sexuality then it's none of his business. So I took a leap of faith and as the old Latin saying goes, "fortune favors the bold", I registered for Ashley Madison. Well karma was on my side, I met a wonderful lover who is still in my life 4 years later, in fact we both played hooky from work on Monday and called in sick so we could see each other. I have the pov that my husband ruined our marriage, and he owns that and admits that today. He is now my ex husband, he has diabetes, high blood pressure, gout, heart disease, and only the Lord knows what else. Sex is not an option for him. I no longer desire sex with him. Our relationship is at peace. In my opinion marriage includes sex to the same degree that is should include faithfulness, loyalty, and honesty. It's like the scales of justice with sex on one scale and faithfulness on the other. If you want one then you must have the other and if you can't provide one then don't expect the other because the scales will tip.
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Post by h on Apr 17, 2018 20:21:34 GMT -5
So who then is really the home wrecker? Is it the person sleeping with married people, or is it those married people's refusing spouses? I would argue that in the case of a sexless marriage, the home was already wrecked before the affair started. You might be right. But, cheating is super wrong in my eyes. It is deliberately hurting someone. Refusers don’t necessarily know they are hurting someone. Although I’m sure most do. I used to think the same as you. Most people here have spoken up about their unhappiness with forced celibacy so the refusers KNOW there is a problem. To knowingly continue hurting your spouse by refusing at this point is also deliberately hurting them. How is that less wrong?
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Post by elkclan2 on Apr 17, 2018 23:26:36 GMT -5
h I think cheating is a bit more wrong. As it's not just a question of equalising harm but intent. And I was a cheater. Many refusers here are deeply fucked up and don't so much mean harm as they are too self-centred to care what harm it causes. I think there are refusers who are so deeply uninterested or put off by sex that they can't see the harm they cause, whereas every cheater KNOWS the risk they are taking and have taken active measures to engage in that risk and have said - fuck the consequences. I'm 99.9% sure my ex never knew I was having an affair. So was he harmed? Maybe. But it was harm he deserved as I should have been able to wake up and realise the marriage was shite without the affair. In terms of anguish though, my affair caused less trouble and harm than his refusal did. However, on balance I think stepping out was exactly what I needed, yet still somehow a bit more wrong. It's complicated. Bizarrely, I think my affair has actually made me a better person. I am much, much more tolerant and empathetic of other people's issues than I was before. I saw this posted on facebook and read some of the comments. Almost everyone couldn't extend their empathy to the refused spouse. They couldn't put themselves in the shoes of someone whose spouse had a long term illness and could no longer have sex - they seemed to think that caring for the sick spouse (an act of love and devotion surely) was tainted by the husbands' need for sex that he could no longer get in the marriage. That made me really sad. Human love doesn't have to fit into perfect moulds.
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Post by baza on Apr 18, 2018 3:02:56 GMT -5
Personally, in the context of an ILIASM shithole, I don't think it matters a rats' arse who is refuser or who is refused. Who is right or who is wrong. Who has the moral highground or who does not. Who is home-wrecker or who is not.
Whoever wants to bring the ILIASM shithole to resolution gets my vote
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