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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 22, 2018 11:44:25 GMT -5
james I think your commitment (& ability) to now be honest with your wife is crucial. I commend you on it, as I found that self-honesty was the real key to all kinds of freedom (for me). I didn’t have kids living with us at the time (they’re grown, married, having their own kids). But - you & W do need the counseling to agree on how you present separate bedrooms to your kids. I don’t believe she can “force” you to move along this path out any faster than you are ready to. Unless she’s also been planning an exit strategy in the background. As you’ve found, it took you a few months to get the ducks mostly lined up & you are at an advantage because of this (information-wise even if nothing else). Stay kind, even if she’s angry. Don’t badmouth her to the kids (I don’t think you would- but even if she does you that way, don’t let her drag you to that level) I’m interested to hear what she says in the counseling about your kids. I hope that she won’t let her own pain & anger poison them & their life experience. I hope she will “be adult” about feeling her own emotions & not trying to manipulate theirs. Good luck with this, brother.
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Post by nytrader on Jan 22, 2018 11:45:56 GMT -5
James — I see the distinction between your two choices. In my situation, having so far gone with the latter, it became liberating and empowering. Meaning that I no longer sought sex with her, and didn’t want it even if offered. And I spelled it out for her. Once she assimilated the new construct, our relationship changed in all aspects. Part of it in her was taking the med, for sure. But that only diminished, not eliminated her outbursts, demands, etc. Only that now they were and are met with a wall of “you either change or you’ll lose this battle and the war,” because I have nothing to lose. And, voilá, she knows not to mess with me anymore and I also stop her when she is out of line with the kids. The entire balance of our relationship thus changed, and, given my limited choices, I would rather have that than insufficient sex and craziness around it. Hope that helps.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 22, 2018 14:05:33 GMT -5
Thanks greatcoastal . Two scenarios: being stuck in the "why am I not getting any sex and if only I did this then it might happen"; and, on the other hand, *accepting* that there will be no sex in the relationship, not trying to change that or put pressure on one's spouse, and making the choice to stay. I have gradually moved from the first to the second, and they are (to me) *completely different*. Scenario two is easier because it has empowered me to stop acting like a doormat (in the hope that this will lead to a shag, yes I did think that) and to argue back without giving a shit if I don't like what she is saying (politely, of course). Do you agree? A few things: 1. The lack of sex sucks. The fact that your wife is averse to having sex with you for reasons, is devastating. It tells you something about how she feels about you as a person, and how she doesn't. There is a small but important distinction in accepting that you aren't having sex with someone, and accepting that you don't have a sexual relationship with that person. You are in the latter camp. 2. Once you agree to drop the pretense that you are in an intimate relationship, it's like you are putting on gloves and stepping into the ring with her. You can have a gentleman's agreement around minimizing pain, but there's really no insurance for either of you (especially when you each are hurting) to not hit with a tooth loosening strike. By example, I had an agreement with Mrs Aprocrypha when we were cohabitating to not seek partners, which she immediately broke and left for me to "accidentally" find out - leaving her phone open (for the first time) on her craigslist ad, on the cutting board where I was headed to make dinner. I was furious, but as we'd agreed to separate, I really hadn't any leverage beyond divorcing her (which I was already doing) to motivate her to adhere to the moral obligations she'd just agreed to. And, there are a million guys who will date a freshly separated and still cohabitating woman for a bit of humpty dumpty for every one woman who wants a heartbroken husband in that same situation. She can just snap her finger. You'll have to work. 3. What would the ideal separation look like, for both of you? How would you maintain much of what you have and enjoy, while minimizing the parts you don't?
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 22, 2018 15:20:43 GMT -5
Thanks nytrader, I am interested to read what you say because I feel that my wife and I *could* continue our relationship on that basis (ie caring for kids, no sex). I wouldn't mind doing that, and I wouldn't mind if we agreed that neither would outsource (if that's what she wanted), because I place a very high value on our family unit, which is on the whole very functional. It would be interesting to hear from others who had got this approach to work. Why do you have to give up your sexuality (staying but not outsourcing "if that's what she wanted") Why does she get to decide that for you? Not having sex is doable but not healthy. I was in a SM for 23 years. I got a divorce and lived separate for 2 years. I missed him and the family unit despite getting a lot of sex. I am now back with my ex but I outsource. He doesn't know, it's none of his business. We are affectionate and best friends but not sexual with each other. There is no cookie cutter solution. Do what is best for you and what you want for yourself.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jan 23, 2018 17:18:47 GMT -5
Thanks nytrader , I am interested to read what you say because I feel that my wife and I *could* continue our relationship on that basis (ie caring for kids, no sex). I wouldn't mind doing that, and I wouldn't mind if we agreed that neither would outsource (if that's what she wanted), because I place a very high value on our family unit, which is on the whole very functional. It would be interesting to hear from others who had got this approach to work. Why do you have to give up your sexuality (staying but not outsourcing "if that's what she wanted") Why does she get to decide that for you? Not having sex is doable but not healthy. I was in a SM for 23 years. I got a divorce and lived separate for 2 years. I missed him and the family unit despite getting a lot of sex. I am now back with my ex but I outsource. He doesn't know, it's none of his business. We are affectionate and best friends but not sexual with each other. There is no cookie cutter solution. Do what is best for you and what you want for yourself. Well stated bballgirl, there is no cookie cutter solution. James, just weave your way through the emotional labyrinth as nobly as you can. For everyone else here it is a good lesson in be prepared before you get too honest. If I were asked to leave the BR, I already am prepared to politely say "no, you can take the spare bedroom or I will have a second bed delivered in 2 days, But *&^% if I am going to pay additional penalties after all this heartbreak." James at least got the ball rolling and the myriad of emotions have yet to envelop this circumstance. But as reality of divorce gets closer, she may well try harder but ultimately, it takes some strong mental muscle and maturity on both parents to make it work very long. That is why I am a big proponent of duplex or attached town-homes. But you have to plan this and let the judge know this is the best option.
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