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Time apart
Nov 24, 2017 23:16:36 GMT -5
via mobile
M2G likes this
Post by ironhamster on Nov 24, 2017 23:16:36 GMT -5
We had a long discussion today. He says he’s committed to bejng “the best husband” he can be, yet cannot admit anything without saying something along the lines of “We’ve BOTH done damage in the marriage” or “We BOTH need to change”. Long talk. I’d start to talk, and he’d interrupt. He’s otherwise been on good behavior today. From past experience, this will last a few weeks. We did have sex tonight. "Both"? Did he by chance used to blame you until you started calling him on it. The closest my wife ever got to taking responsibility was to use "both of us" to include herself in the blame. I interpreted it as, "I cannot get away with only blaming you so now I have to include me but I really do not want to admit anything directly." Congratulations on coaxing some intimacy out of him. ...I think. Let me rephrase that. I hope it was everything you wanted it to be.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Nov 25, 2017 0:27:16 GMT -5
We had a long discussion today. He says he’s committed to bejng “the best husband” he can be, yet cannot admit anything without saying something along the lines of “We’ve BOTH done damage in the marriage” or “We BOTH need to change”. Long talk. I’d start to talk, and he’d interrupt. He’s otherwise been on good behavior today. From past experience, this will last a few weeks. We did have sex tonight. "Both"? Did he by chance used to blame you until you started calling him on it. The closest my wife ever got to taking responsibility was to use "both of us" to include herself in the blame. I interpreted it as, "I cannot get away with only blaming you so now I have to include me but I really do not want to admit anything directly." Congratulations on coaxing some intimacy out of him. ...I think. Let me rephrase that. I hope it was everything you wanted it to be. It was pretty good. He says he is always super loving, most of the time, and he always wants to be affectionate. This morning, he told our son to gather all my shoes and box them up, because he’s been resentful for “years and years”. The sex was good though.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Nov 25, 2017 0:31:39 GMT -5
We had a long discussion today. He says he’s committed to bejng “the best husband” he can be, yet cannot admit anything without saying something along the lines of “We’ve BOTH done damage in the marriage” or “We BOTH need to change”. Long talk. I’d start to talk, and he’d interrupt. He’s otherwise been on good behavior today. From past experience, this will last a few weeks. We did have sex tonight. "Both"? Did he by chance used to blame you until you started calling him on it. The closest my wife ever got to taking responsibility was to use "both of us" to include herself in the blame. I interpreted it as, "I cannot get away with only blaming you so now I have to include me but I really do not want to admit anything directly." Congratulations on coaxing some intimacy out of him. ...I think. Let me rephrase that. I hope it was everything you wanted it to be. To answer your question, I think he just cannot admit fault without assigning at least half to me. I keep asking why he’s withheld for so many years, and the answer lately is that he was resentful of stuff I did. When I asked why he’s been hiding in the man cave lately, I got a lot of “you” statements - “You are not welcoming”, “You are on your phone”, etc. He says he’s always been “very doting”; he’s just “frustrated at some stuff”.
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Post by M2G on Nov 25, 2017 7:58:05 GMT -5
Does he read? Even if not, you may be able to get some of the "power" back in your relationship via the principals in this book. I have the audible version and listen to it in my car via iPhone app: Boundaries in Marriage Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John TownsendReligion warning: they cite the bible a lot but the principals WORK. There is another one (just called Boundaries) but that one is more for general life. Reviewed by one of our own: Boundaries in Marriage
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 25, 2017 8:33:43 GMT -5
Does he read? Even if not, you may be able to get some of the "power" back in your relationship via the principals in this book. I have the audible version and listen to it in my car via iPhone app: Boundaries in Marriage Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John TownsendReligion warning: they cite the bible a lot but the principals WORK. There is another one (just called Boundaries) but that one is more for general life. Reviewed by one of our own: Boundaries in Marriage
Oh, fuck. That book was a nightmare for me. My wife set her boundaries and punishments at a time work was hectic and stayed hectic. I was often late getting home for dinner, and her boundary was that if I was not home by an exact time then my punishment was that she would take our baby out and be gone the rest of the night. That shit went on for about three years, when the industry recession finally caught up to me. I came home early that day and told her I would never come home late from XYZ company again. She thought about that for a few seconds and once it registered she ran off to cry on her own. She never pulled that crap again.
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Post by M2G on Nov 25, 2017 8:55:57 GMT -5
Oh, fuck. That book was a nightmare for me. My wife set her boundaries and punishments at a time work was hectic and stayed hectic. I was often late getting home for dinner, and her boundary was that if I was not home by an exact time then my punishment was that she would take our baby out and be gone the rest of the night. That shit went on for about three years, when the industry recession finally caught up to me. I came home early that day and told her I would never come home late from XYZ company again. She thought about that for a few seconds and once it registered she ran off to cry on her own. She never pulled that crap again. Yeah - there is a section in there that discusses making the consequence (not punishment) fit the transgression. That late for dinner one is straight out of the book, but in the book the consequence was that your dinner would be in the refrigerator and, if the you called ahead, the W would feed the kids and wait to eat with you when you got home. What you suffered tells us a lot about the character of your W, I'm afraid. In my case - the consequence of (unspoken factor(s)) = SM. Also WRONG The idea, is to communicate the transgression and consequence UP FRONT, not to wait for some unknown action to trigger the consequence (punishment). For mypaintbrushes "gathering of the shoes" is just mean-spirited. I would suggest this: "If you dispose of or mess with my things then I will (insert appropriate consequence here)." When you initially set boundaries, prepare for a fight. Many people cave to the pressure and if you do, you are lost. If he starts yelling or arguing, do not yell back or otherwise engage, just reply: "If you can't speak to me without yelling then I'm going to (go to a hotel, a friends house, etc) for a couple of days (and BE prepaired to do so, immediately). Whatever the consequence you choose, be sure you can execute it on the spot. Example: Of late, on W poking at me on the couch when I fall asleep - we achieved a blended boundary. W feels ignored when I doze off and pokes me, and yells "wake up!". My reply: I understand you don't like that and I'm sorry. If you can be gentle about this I will do my best to comply. If you raise your voice and poke me I'm just going to bed. Problem was solved.
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 25, 2017 12:29:27 GMT -5
That sounds profoundly manipulative to me. His reasons for wanting me to think about our relationship are for things like not showing “deep interest” in his hobbies and not disciplining our son the way he would. When we’re all home, he tends to spend most/all the night in his “man cave” while we are downstairs. Sounds like my stbx. Sounds like he puts you in a corner to overthink what you are doing wrong. Like you should know that his ways are always right and you should appreciate him more without anything in return from him. I suggest you read the book 'emotional blackmail' by Susan Forward.
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 25, 2017 12:33:07 GMT -5
It reminds of the first failed marriage of one of my contemporaries. The guy compiled and presented a list of things he wanted his wife to change about herself, but he had no interest in changing anything about himself. She wisely decided she'd be happier just changing her marriage status instead. LOL - I think any partner with any self esteem at all would send a "listmaker" out with a boot in the ass, and the list shoved up it. Lol, my dear stbx has once made a list of all my wrong doings. I found it in the computer and altered it.
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Time apart
Nov 25, 2017 20:38:22 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by mypaintbrushes on Nov 25, 2017 20:38:22 GMT -5
Does he read? Even if not, you may be able to get some of the "power" back in your relationship via the principals in this book. I have the audible version and listen to it in my car via iPhone app: Boundaries in Marriage Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John TownsendReligion warning: they cite the bible a lot but the principals WORK. There is another one (just called Boundaries) but that one is more for general life. Reviewed by one of our own: Boundaries in Marriage
Oh, fuck. That book was a nightmare for me. My wife set her boundaries and punishments at a time work was hectic and stayed hectic. I was often late getting home for dinner, and her boundary was that if I was not home by an exact time then my punishment was that she would take our baby out and be gone the rest of the night. That shit went on for about three years, when the industry recession finally caught up to me. I came home early that day and told her I would never come home late from XYZ company again. She thought about that for a few seconds and once it registered she ran off to cry on her own. She never pulled that crap again. Yeah, I can see mine doing the same thing. I forgot I had a hair appointment this morning, so he went “Gawd, you’re gonna be gone ALL DAY!” I got a text while I was at the salon asking if he could be gone 4 hours tonight.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 26, 2017 7:48:06 GMT -5
Does he read? Even if not, you may be able to get some of the "power" back in your relationship via the principals in this book. I have the audible version and listen to it in my car via iPhone app: Boundaries in Marriage Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John TownsendReligion warning: they cite the bible a lot but the principals WORK. There is another one (just called Boundaries) but that one is more for general life. Reviewed by one of our own: Boundaries in Marriage
Oh, fuck. That book was a nightmare for me. My wife set her boundaries and punishments at a time work was hectic and stayed hectic. I was often late getting home for dinner, and her boundary was that if I was not home by an exact time then my punishment was that she would take our baby out and be gone the rest of the night. That shit went on for about three years, when the industry recession finally caught up to me. I came home early that day and told her I would never come home late from XYZ company again. She thought about that for a few seconds and once it registered she ran off to cry on her own. She never pulled that crap again. Mine could have gotten Shakespeare himself to write the Greek tragedy of our relationship and read it to her and it wouldn't have done squat. To me, books like this cause more problems than they fix. They seem to set expectations that a relationship CAN be perfect and when it doesn't live up to that level provides all the excuse as to why it isn't. If you want to know why a relationship isn't good, buy a mirror. The main question at that point is who is in the foreground and who is in the background.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 26, 2017 7:58:03 GMT -5
“Oh, fuck. That book was a nightmare for me. My wife set her boundaries and punishments at a time work was hectic and stayed hectic. I was often late getting home for dinner, and her boundary was that if I was not home by an exact time then my punishment was that she would take our baby out and be gone the rest of the night. “
The book was a nightmare only because your wife was a vindictive bitch. If someone is late for dinner, the natural consequence is to eat without them while leaving their dinner in the fridge for them to enjoy later. One doesn’t sit resentful and hungry while awaiting their arrival. Your wife missed what setting boundaries meant. What she was doing was starting a spiral of revenge and misery.
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Post by Apocrypha on Nov 28, 2017 15:41:58 GMT -5
We had a long discussion today. He says he’s committed to bejng “the best husband” he can be, yet cannot admit anything without saying something along the lines of “We’ve BOTH done damage in the marriage” or “We BOTH need to change”. Long talk. I’d start to talk, and he’d interrupt. He’s otherwise been on good behavior today. From past experience, this will last a few weeks. We did have sex tonight. Did he say this in response to a specific question about whether he was involved romantically or sexually with a third party - very recently? My Spidey Sense is tingling here. The pattern fits.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Nov 30, 2017 1:18:42 GMT -5
We had a long discussion today. He says he’s committed to bejng “the best husband” he can be, yet cannot admit anything without saying something along the lines of “We’ve BOTH done damage in the marriage” or “We BOTH need to change”. Long talk. I’d start to talk, and he’d interrupt. He’s otherwise been on good behavior today. From past experience, this will last a few weeks. We did have sex tonight. Did he say this in response to a specific question about whether he was involved romantically or sexually with a third party - very recently? My Spidey Sense is tingling here. The pattern fits. Nope! Just flipped a switch in behavior since this weekend and even Monday.
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