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Post by bballgirl on Aug 20, 2017 21:33:40 GMT -5
It's true what baza said Be proactive Call her a few weeks prior and say "do you want to spend Christmas all together?" Or whatever the holiday is. Awe bballgirl, I hear you. I've stopped taking things for granted. I'm learning to communicate better. With the kids and my wife. I'm getting better at some of these things. I was musing with a friend how a fairly simple self inventory exposed so many flaws and deficiencies in my personal and emotional repertoire. Gaps in every dimension of personal maturity and development. Gaps EVERYWHERE. I have a lot of work, but the journey should be interesting. And I'm motivated to learn and improve. At least I started late. Some never start. So true better late than never. You are a very thoughtful and insightful man and you deserved better than what you got, we all did. Now is the second chance that you are giving yourself. You are giving yourself that gift. Honestly at the end of my marriage my ex and I were both unhappy and he didn't want the divorce but I always said its a gift that I'm giving to me and him. I stand by that, I think he and I are both better people now that we don't live together.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 21, 2017 9:08:55 GMT -5
I posted this in my T-Minus thread, but it also seems fitting here as well...Sorry about the copy/paste T-Plus-40: Divorce Finalized There have been a number of posts recently about pain over shredding the family. This has been hitting me hard recently as well, but rather than reply to those threads, I want to put it in context with my own story. I've been in my new place a little over a month and a half now. All of the "inside" stuff has been unpacked (I will get to unpacking "garage" things like tools when it is less than 98 degrees outside). Yesterday, I unpacked a box labeled "documents". Like many others here, I found old "kid" drawings, bringing back a wave of memories of happier times. When I found those, I stopped what I was doing. I sat down. I asked myself what the hell had I done. I openly questioned if I had done what I had done for purely selfish reasons. Have I damaged my kids for my selfishness? And the hamster wheel in my head spun like that for over an hour. But upon reflection, those drawings were from almost a decade ago. They reflected a time when my marriage was still crappy, but livable. Divorce or not, the time of "I love you Daddy" has passed. Today, the kids are 16 and 13. The time we spend together is different. Hell, my daughter does half the driving on our trips now. My son still can't beat me at pool, but on the XBox? I'm toast (although I still outshoot him by a little bit on the gun range). And at my kid's ages, they are more self-absorbed in their own lives than concerned about my feelings or even the feelings of the "family". From a "newly divorced Dad" perspective, the past few weeks have been really rough. I only see the kids every other weekend (I also have them every Thursday night). Two weekends ago, it was my ex-wife's turn. This past week was my turn, but every year her family rents a huge beach house and everyone has a great time. We had previously agreed that she could have the kids that weekend. We will do some swaps to make things up, but it really is a fun weekend we've done as a family for a decade now. And next weekend? It's her turn again. Basically, I will go from August 11th through September 1 and only have them for 3 nights. Ouch. It really helps me that my lady, ballofconfusion, has kids a bit older than mine. Without her perspective, I'd be thinking I'm "losing" my kids even though all that is happening is the natural breaking away that teens do. If I had a spouse still, we would be able to talk about this and realize that it is just teens being teens. Isolated and trying to parent the kids myself when I have them tends to magnify the idea that every struggle is a result of the divorce. That simply is not true. The divorce affects them, sure, but it is not the end-all, be-all, soul-crushing drama to them that it is for me. Since my ex and I are getting along, it is mainly just a bit annoying they have to switch houses to spend the night. However as the fall school semester comes in, they will have various activities. One of the things I did yesterday is "layer" all of the interlocking calendars into my Google calendar. As I did this, I realized that even though they aren't spending the night at my place, I will be able to see one or both of them every night of the week. Whether it is my daughter's cheer or my son's baseball / football schedule, if I want to make the effort, I can be just as involved as I ever was. And I am sure as hell going to make the effort. The time of "I love you Daddy" drawings is past. The memories of those times will live with me forever. But the kids themselves are growing up. In less than 2 years, my daughter will be college-aged. My job right now is to be a "coach" for them, helping guide them in the direction I think they should go. But in the end, their path will be their own. This sometimes feels like a slow-motion empty-nester transition. Divorce or not, I've only got a few years left with them in the parent-child phase of our relationship. During that time, if I am wise, I will establish the roots for a strong next phase. And life goes on...
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2017 11:37:15 GMT -5
About a year ago, at the beginning of the intense search for resolution, my wife mused to me that I would have been a better father if we had divorced 7 years ago when I first contacted the attorney and started the plan. She gave a bunch of examples. Now, to be sure, her objective was to inflict pain and punishment -- there may have been little or no truth to any of it -- but it has given me some hope that I can now be a better father without the stress of contending with her. This is just another reason that it is best for you to get away from her. My refuser was like that as well. She would use whatever she could to hurt me.
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Post by csl on Aug 21, 2017 12:49:24 GMT -5
I read something recently that really touched me. Marriages are not 'things' that can be won or lost or owned or protected. They are relationships. And a relationship is simply the space between two people and how they are interacting together. And I think the same goes for families. If the superficial appearance of your family is no longer 'perfect', but the underlying connections and relationships between the family members have more depth and authenticity, I don't think that is any kind of loss. In fact it is the opposite. And knowing how you feel about your kids, I know you are going to do whatever it takes to make sure that is what happens. About a year ago, at the beginning of the intense search for resolution, my wife mused to me that I would have been a better father if we had divorced 7 years ago when I first contacted the attorney and started the plan. She gave a bunch of examples. Now, to be sure, her objective was to inflict pain and punishment -- there may have been little or no truth to any of it -- but it has given me some hope that I can now be a better father without the stress of contending with her. Exqueeze me? Is this the same woman who has screaming matches with the son, telling him, "F*ck you"? Proper response might be something along the line of "Physician, heal thyself!"
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2017 15:15:21 GMT -5
About a year ago, at the beginning of the intense search for resolution, my wife mused to me that I would have been a better father if we had divorced 7 years ago when I first contacted the attorney and started the plan. She gave a bunch of examples. Now, to be sure, her objective was to inflict pain and punishment -- there may have been little or no truth to any of it -- but it has given me some hope that I can now be a better father without the stress of contending with her. Exqueeze me? Is this the same woman who has screaming matches with the son, telling him, "F*ck you"? Proper response might be something along the line of "Physician, heal thyself!" Yes. Maybe having me away may calm some of this. But I wonder. I over heard her and my son discussing the fact that she made him do homework last night. I've tried to impress on him that he should be doing his homework on his OWN without the need for her to "Force" him to do it. But nonetheless, if he's going to be irresponsible, she has to be able to allow that and let the chips fall where they will.
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