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Post by shamwow on Aug 9, 2017 21:52:38 GMT -5
flashjohn and shamwow, while I thank you for coming to my defense, he died recently, and this is probably why I'm able to share things that I never have before. I'm loyal to a fault, and I still protect him now. I don't blame him. I chose to stay all those years, and that's on me. I'm sure he was living in misery too. Caris, my apologies. I was just replying and didn't realize this was your thread. Removing foot from mouth now...
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Post by dinnaken on Aug 10, 2017 9:33:26 GMT -5
Hi Caris Thank you for your post I found it really helpful. In different ways, I'm struggling with many of these problems as well. I can empathise with much of what you say - I liked to run but now dare not for fear of my knees, I also comfort eat when I'm anxious or upset. I'm so sorry you're late husband said those needlessly cruel things to you; I'm going to guess that he knew exactly how to really hurt you and in that he was all too successful. No matter how unhappy he was, it was unnecessary. However, don't be too sure of rejection in the future; your warmth & humanity always come through in your posts and those are really attractive qualities. So, while there are plenty of shallow, bubble-brained nitwits out there, there are good people too - damaged to be sure - but good people. Right now coffee and good conversation would work for me; the passion and rumpy-pumpy will have to wait (I've really got to get my head straighter before that). All the best
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Post by Caris on Aug 10, 2017 9:59:16 GMT -5
Hi Caris Thank you for your post I found it really helpful. In different ways, I'm struggling with many of these problems as well. I can empathise with much of what you say - I liked to run but now dare not for fear of my knees, I also comfort eat when I'm anxious or upset. I'm so sorry you're late husband said those needlessly cruel things to you; I'm going to guess that he knew exactly how to really hurt you and in that he was all too successful. No matter how unhappy he was, it was unnecessary. However, don't be too sure of rejection in the future; your warmth & humanity always come through in your posts and those are really attractive qualities. So, while there are plenty of shallow, bubble-brained nitwits out there, there are good people too - damaged to be sure - but good people. Right now coffee and good conversation would work for me; the passion and rumpy-pumpy will have to wait (I've really got to get my head straighter before that). All the best Hello dinnakin, if sharing my experience helped you, then it has value, more than my own need to express it. I'm glad of that, but feel for you experiencing something similar. We have so many issues from the SM, married together with the rest of the baggage we were carrying. It's a complex maelstrom of entangled "dragons." I don't know where one ends, and the other begins, but maybe that doesn't matter. We do what we can to untangle the Christmas Tree lights, and I doubt we can untangle completely. We strive to do better, work on ourselves to become self aware, and maybe that's the best we can do...recognize our own issues, our faulty thinking, and do the best we can to limit the damage caused by the fallout. Thank you for your kind words. I wish you well. Love & Peace.
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Post by dinnaken on Aug 10, 2017 10:44:29 GMT -5
Thanks Caris, Yes, just what a tangled mess those of us who leave a SM have to deal with has become apparent to me in the last couple of months after my separation.
I like your analogy of the tangled Christmas tree lights; I am content, happy even, but just how much work I have to do becomes more obvious every day. As you say, we can only do our best and hope... time and time again I find myself thinking just as I did in my SM and I have to check myself.
I'm not ready for any kind of serious relationship and (right now) I can't see when I would be.
But we have regained Hope haven't we?
That's no small prize.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2017 10:07:45 GMT -5
flashjohn and shamwow , while I thank you for coming to my defense, he died recently, and this is probably why I'm able to share things that I never have before. I'm loyal to a fault, and I still protect him now. I don't blame him. I chose to stay all those years, and that's on me. I'm sure he was living in misery too. Caris, it is so nice of you to be protective of him. However, his insults are not acceptable.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2017 13:50:30 GMT -5
One more thing. Caris, I really think you should go in for a makeover and have some glamour shots or boudoir pics taken. I think you will find that you are MUCH more attractive than you think you are.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2017 14:09:33 GMT -5
I'm willing to bet that you're beautiful to someone. Your H was an ass to say that to you. It was very cruel, and had a devastating effect on my psyche because until that moment, I thought I was still nice looking, so I took some selfies (I hadn't taken pictures of myself in years), and that's when it really hit me that the woman I saw in the mirror was not this old woman in my selfies. The pain I felt was indescribable because, it was after asking him why he didn't want sex with me? This was well into 15-17 years of the marriage, and he turned to me and said, "go look in the mirror, you're ugly." My heart almost stopped with the shock and pain of those words. It was so cruel, and this was after all those years of rejection. When I took those selfies, I realized I'd grown old, and not realized it. My good looks were gone, and now there was no chance he (or any other man would want me). This is the first time in all these years, I've been able to say all this, and it's a relief in a way to have that monkey off my back because I carried it with shame. You can rest assured that the dreaded front cell-phone camera has had that affect on many of us, both sexes and all ages. We're pulling for you and, as has been stated, your spouse's words were inexcusable. Purposefully hurtful comments have no place in a relationship and I hope you realize that his words revealed much about him and nothing about you.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2017 14:33:46 GMT -5
Ok, Caris , I've read this thread in it's entirety. Someone said your husband didn't know real "Beauty". I beg to differ. He knew it all too well. I had a friend in grade school that took pride in making girls cry. I never understood it and eventually I could stomach it no more. When he was doing it in high school and even into college when we parted ways for the last time. But he was a participant in a paradigm I see all too much. And I think it's particularly prevalent in refusing spouses. I never really liked the Lord of the Rings books because I couldn't relate to the orcs. Your husband was an orc. He disparaged beauty with the intention of destroying it. He took some kind of sick pride in tearing you down. And Why? What did he get from that? NOTHING? It benefited him not a whit! But I see it all the time. It's akin to sour grapes. It's mindlessly disparaging something he didn't understand just because it embodied a standard he couldn't attain. Maybe it's natural to want to tear the great ones down, but isn't it better to recognize the great ones and aspire to their standards? Wouldn't that be a good thing? Why does it feel so great to grovel with low lifes? Why do some of us want to feel like were the best thing in the cesspool? I think it would be better to be the worst thing on the mountain top. Your husband could have embraced your beauty, built you up, and then reaped blessings for years. For God's Sake, he may still be alive now if he had. But he chose to tear you down. And I'm betting he was pretty proud of himself when he saw what he did to you. The bastard made a girl cry. Well, you've put it out in the light now, and someone told me that evil can't exist for long in the light. You're healing.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2017 15:03:40 GMT -5
But he was a participant in a paradigm I see all too much. And I think it's particularly prevalent in refusing spouses. I never really liked the Lord of the Rings books because I couldn't relate to the orcs. Your husband was an orc. He disparaged beauty with the intention of destroying it. He took some kind of sick pride in tearing you down. And Why? What did he get from that? NOTHING? It benefited him not a whit! CreelUnion, this post hit me like a ton of bricks. This is EXACTLY what my refuser did. She loved to tear me down just because she got a thrill out of watching me fall apart. She COULD NOT STAND for something good to happen to me or for me to be really happy. She enjoyed creating problems and chaos all the time. If there was not a crisis, she would create one. Thank you for pointing this out. Here is a clip from Game of Thrones where Cersi explains the reasons for her behavior.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2017 15:38:39 GMT -5
But he was a participant in a paradigm I see all too much. And I think it's particularly prevalent in refusing spouses. I never really liked the Lord of the Rings books because I couldn't relate to the orcs. Your husband was an orc. He disparaged beauty with the intention of destroying it. He took some kind of sick pride in tearing you down. And Why? What did he get from that? NOTHING? It benefited him not a whit! CreelUnion, this post hit me like a ton of bricks. This is EXACTLY what my refuser did. She loved to tear me down just because she got a thrill out of watching me fall apart. She COULD NOT STAND for something good to happen to me or for me to be really happy. She enjoyed creating problems and chaos all the time. If there was not a crisis, she would create one. Thank you for pointing this out. I hear you John. It's gotten to the point it breaks my heart to see folks living their lives for nothing but to destroy decency and beauty. It seems I see it everywhere. And there was a time when I was mostly oblivious to it.
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