merrygoround I haven't read all of the posts in this thread, but let me say this -- I struggled with this too.
We've already told our young adult children. I have always maintained open communication with them and I don't plan to change that anytime soon. However, I have informed them that I can't go in details right now, but I will share more (not all) after the dust settles.
In fact, while I was spending time with one of my kids recently, he brought up the subject and said "Splitting the money will be tough and will sting for a while, but at least you will be free, so that doesn't sound too bad." I told him that he is correct about that much, but there is more to the story that I cannot discuss until the divorce is final. I fully plan to give each of my adult kids a copy of the settlement agreement to read and understand. I also plan to share with them that this wasn't a loving relationship and explain what a SM is, how it impacts the refused spouse, and educate them so hopefully they won't suffer as I have all these years.
After all, it is our number one responsibility as parents to love, nurture, and protect our children from harm. And I plan to do just that to the very best of my ability.
Success is a few simple disciplines, practiced every day, while failure is simply a few errors in judgment, repeated every day. A victim mentality ensures you are always the victim. A victor mentality gives you a fighting chance at survival.
Your account of this conversation with this kid reads like he is well aware that the marriage has not been a bed of roses Brother JonDoe and that potentially he knows (or has well founded suspicions) about what's gone on. What I am getting at, is that he may know (or accurately suspect) a lot more than you think he knows. In which case, when you choose to disclose what went on, it may well go *easier* than you might be thinking.