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Post by jim44444 on Oct 21, 2016 19:22:25 GMT -5
I first published this story on EP 2 years ago. But after a conversation with @smartkat I have decided to update and republish here. I am sure there are those who did not read this on EP and some who have forgotten my back story. So to put my comments into perspective I give you my story. _______________________________________________________________________
I have been reading and sometimes commenting on the experiences here for about 6 months. As I read these stories I try to relate the experiences to my own relationship. So many people here have abusive relationships, both physically and emotionally. So many have been in a sexless marriage since the beginning of the their relationship.
Thankfully, neither of those scenarios describe our life. We married young, 3 weeks before my 19th birthday when she was 17 and 7 months later we were parents. My wife finished high school and went to graduation with me holding our infant daughter in the auditorium. Our sex life was enthusiastic although not extremely imaginative.
Over the years we developed and expanded our love making skills and positions. We always were affectionate, touching and kissing at every opportunity. We slept naked and would often engage in quickies at the drop of a hat. Our girls learned early not to just come barging into our bedroom, since we did not always remember to lock the door. On a cruise for our 30th anniversary we even considered an invitation for a threesome. Yeah, we were a horny couple.
However, a few years after the cruise my wife had some health problems with her thyroid. The sex dropped off along with her energy. After about a year she underwent radioactive destruction of her thyroid. It took close to 6 months to get her medicines properly adjusted. However, her libido never did recover. Then she had her gallbladder removed and several years later a hysterectomy. She is now overweight and diabetic which can also affect the libido. She admits that she no longer has sexual desires but wishes she did.
So where does that leave us? As so many here have said, we are roommates and friends. I have explained how I feel rejected by not just the lack of sex but by the lack of intimacy. I don't expect the high level sexuality of our 30s and early 40s but I cannot see living the rest of my life without a lover. We tried counseling three years ago but found it to be a waste of time and money. She says she understands my feelings but does not offer any resolution.
Maybe there is no resolution outside of the three so often proposed here. We have been together for over 45 years, I cannot envision being with someone else. I would not know where to even begin to build a new relationship. It may be hard to believe but she is the only person with whom I have ever had sex. Damn, I am almost a virgin.
To all of the people in their 20s and 30s who are in an SM I encourage you to face the issue head on and if your refuser will not change then get out. If you think it will be too hard now then consider what it will be like when you a ready to retire.
Thank you for letting me ramble. I did try to pare this down, it was a lot longer. And a special thank you to Birdie39 for encouraging me to post.
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Update as of October 2016. We have now been together over 47 years. I retired a year ago and recommend it to everyone. My wife is not retired but has not worked for over a year because of a botched knee replacement. We continue to be friends and roommates. Her frequency level is 2 to 3 times per year. And when she is in the mood these rare times, the sex is as good as ever. As for me, I have found that accepting that her libido is a function of her hormones and not a reflection on me makes the day bearable. Except for when it does not. Which may be a function of my hormones. This is where I come from when I give my opinions.
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Post by baza on Oct 21, 2016 19:37:39 GMT -5
Members background is always useful, particularly to put their comments in to context. - And one thing to keep well in mind is that of the 2 options (staying, with or without the outsourcing option, or leaving) one is no more valid a choice than the other. They are both perfectly legitimate choices. - And, owning your choice in this fashion as you have, be that to stay or to go, carries with it a level of serenity. Way way way WAY better than adopting an "I am a victim of circumstances" position. - Enjoyed you post Brother jim.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2016 9:39:18 GMT -5
Jim,
Thank you for sharing. Have you asked your wife if you could go outside of the marriage (open marriage)?
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Post by beachguy on Oct 22, 2016 13:33:08 GMT -5
I think this is the saddest story I've yet read here. After over 30 years of a great sex life, then nature conspires to end it. I was the opposite end of that spectrum, having been given the bait n switch literally the day after the wedding. I agree with your advice to the younger members, x10000
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Post by jim44444 on Oct 22, 2016 22:10:25 GMT -5
Jim, Thank you for sharing. Have you asked your wife if you could go outside of the marriage (open marriage)? I have brought it up but she is against it. I believe she fears that an open marriage would lead to an end of marriage. I actually agree with her on that point since she gets no benefit and I by nature would become emotionally involved with another partner.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2016 22:28:37 GMT -5
jim, If you wife truly loved you then she would give you sex or allow you to go outside the marriage. If I had health problems and could not meet my wife's sexual needs then I would gladly tell her to have them met by someone else. It's what you do when you love someone. You want them to have happiness and joy.
When I explained it to my wife, she got the message. I told my wife you should want to make me happy. Sex makes me happy and it should be something you want to do for me, if you say you love me, then that entails making my life happy and fun.. When someone loves you, they are willing to sacrifice for you. They want to make you happy. In the same way, I love my wife and do things for her that I do not feel like doing sometimes. I realize now after 23 years of marriage that this is what it takes to have a good marriage. Love is conditional. You both have to give to make it great.
I've said it before but it's cruelty to withhold sex from your spouse. If someone was starving you, it would show. But sexual withholding takes a piece of you year by year. It takes your dignity and says that you're not worthy of love and affection. It's just bullshit. I'm not going to sugar coat it anymore.. Unless you believe in reincarnation, you're wasting your precious life on a woman who will not meet your needs. It's just that simple. I woke up from my slumber and I'm never settling again. My wife knows it too. Things are different around my house now and they can be different at yours.
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My story
Mar 11, 2018 13:54:08 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by lwoetin on Mar 11, 2018 13:54:08 GMT -5
Jim, Thank you for sharing. Have you asked your wife if you could go outside of the marriage (open marriage)? I have brought it up but she is against it. I believe she fears that an open marriage would lead to an end of marriage. I actually agree with her on that point since she gets no benefit and I by nature would become emotionally involved with another partner. the temptation.... Then what makes staying better than leaving....love, guilt, grandkids, religion, morality, fear, finance, comfort, acceptance,....?
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Post by ted on Mar 11, 2018 15:40:28 GMT -5
What a beautiful story with a tragic ending, jim44444.
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Post by jim44444 on Mar 11, 2018 18:42:15 GMT -5
I have brought it up but she is against it. I believe she fears that an open marriage would lead to an end of marriage. I actually agree with her on that point since she gets no benefit and I by nature would become emotionally involved with another partner. the temptation.... Then what makes staying better than leaving....love, guilt, grandkids, religion, morality, fear, finance, comfort, acceptance,....? I ask myself that same question and cannot come up with a definitive answer. Maybe it is inertia which is a polite term for lazy. I think the fact that she is not evil like some of the spouses here makes life pleasant for the most part. I am not a believer in the fairy tale happily ever after relationship model. Any couple will have "bones of contention" but a good relationship will have only a few of those and many mutually satisfying moments. Everyone on this forum has a unique story, staying for one of the reasons you listed or one of the other hundreds given in the thousands of posts. And those that finally end their marriage do so for their own unique reason, maybe because of neglect or abuse or deceit or one of the hundreds of others given in the thousands of posts. So today I stay because staying is better than leaving. Tomorrow is a new decision point. And the day after that another. As baza would counsel each day we get to "tread our own path".
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Post by baza on Mar 11, 2018 19:40:36 GMT -5
There's a couple of versions of *staying*. There's "accepting the status quo rather unhappily"... (letting your spouse do the choosing for you) And there's "taking ownership of your choice to stay"... (doing the choosing yourself) Under the Brother jim44444 model, you objectively weigh up the pluses and minuses, make your choice, and own your choice (in his case, to stay) Under this method, you are not a victim of circumstances but rather are an autonomous individual making a fully informed choice. A choice that, should the circumstances change, and the sums add up differently as a result, can be altered. Under the "unhappily accepting the status quo" model, you remain a victim of circumstances, unwilling or unable to fully check out your options, weigh them up and make a fully informed choice. In effect, you hand over what is your responsibility to your refuser spouse. And, unsurprisingly, your refuser spouse will choose what's best for themselves, not you. There's a HUGE difference between the two versions.
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Post by WindSister on Mar 11, 2018 21:35:35 GMT -5
Well, Jim. I sure respect the hell out of you.
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Post by lwoetin on Mar 12, 2018 1:16:33 GMT -5
the temptation.... Then what makes staying better than leaving....love, guilt, grandkids, religion, morality, fear, finance, comfort, acceptance,....? I ask myself that same question and cannot come up with a definitive answer. Maybe it is inertia which is a polite term for lazy. I think the fact that she is not evil like some of the spouses here makes life pleasant for the most part. I am not a believer in the fairy tale happily ever after relationship model. Any couple will have "bones of contention" but a good relationship will have only a few of those and many mutually satisfying moments. Everyone on this forum has a unique story, staying for one of the reasons you listed or one of the other hundreds given in the thousands of posts. And those that finally end their marriage do so for their own unique reason, maybe because of neglect or abuse or deceit or one of the hundreds of others given in the thousands of posts. So today I stay because staying is better than leaving. Tomorrow is a new decision point. And the day after that another. As baza would counsel each day we get to "tread our own path". In the movie Notebook (can't remember story well), the husband loved and stayed faithful to his wife even when she couldn't recognize who he was. It was a fictional story but love is supposed to conquer all, alzheimers and sexless marriages. I would be wary of baza's counsel. I hope you find resolution and peace, whatever path you do tread.
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Post by james on Mar 12, 2018 4:20:23 GMT -5
Very sad story to read, jim44444. My sympathies to you: so difficult to contemplate separating when you have been together that long. My wife and I met and married when we were in our mid-30s. We'd had our three kids by the time she was in her early 40s. At that point several things happened: she was diagnosed with hypothryoidism and with a premature menopause; we had kids who thought it would be fun to wake up screaming at 5 am; and I began a longish saga of anxiety and depression. I do wonder, though, if it was my wife's hormonal issues that were the most significant in all of this. It is possible for me to contemplate leaving my wife now because of the sexlessness, and I wonder if it is easier for me because we haven't been together for that long (comparatively).
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Post by WindSister on Mar 12, 2018 8:43:54 GMT -5
I ask myself that same question and cannot come up with a definitive answer. Maybe it is inertia which is a polite term for lazy. I think the fact that she is not evil like some of the spouses here makes life pleasant for the most part. I am not a believer in the fairy tale happily ever after relationship model. Any couple will have "bones of contention" but a good relationship will have only a few of those and many mutually satisfying moments. Everyone on this forum has a unique story, staying for one of the reasons you listed or one of the other hundreds given in the thousands of posts. And those that finally end their marriage do so for their own unique reason, maybe because of neglect or abuse or deceit or one of the hundreds of others given in the thousands of posts. So today I stay because staying is better than leaving. Tomorrow is a new decision point. And the day after that another. As baza would counsel each day we get to "tread our own path". In the movie Notebook (can't remember story well), the husband loved and stayed faithful to his wife even when she couldn't recognize who he was. It was a fictional story but love is supposed to conquer all, alzheimers and sexless marriages. I would be wary of baza's counsel. I hope you find resolution and peace, whatever path you do tread. Well, I believe baza counsel is stop being a victim and "make a choice." There is peace in an informed choice. jim44444 has made one and finds "peace" with it to some extent (is that fair to say, Jim?), even though nothing is necessarily "fixed." (Ie, he is still in a sexless marriage). If my previous marriage had some level of love I may have made a different choice myself, but we did not have happy memories, good times, strong foundation to start with. So I made my choice from that truth (for us). Now, if my current marriage were to turn sexless, it would be a completely different path I would be walking because we have a strong foundation, we had the first two years of ridiculous amounts of sex and still have sex at a rate happy for us both. In that case, I may choose to stay, too. I don't know, can't say. But, I think Baza's counsel is usually spot on of make a choice. Own your life. Create a life a you can live with and enjoy and are at peace with.
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Post by jim44444 on Mar 12, 2018 23:43:17 GMT -5
Well, I believe baza counsel is stop being a victim and "make a choice." There is peace in an informed choice. jim44444 has made one and finds "peace" with it to some extent (is that fair to say, Jim?), even though nothing is necessarily "fixed." (Ie, he is still in a sexless marriage). That is fair statement @windsister. I find it is better to choose my path then to have one thrust upon me. If I fail to choose it is because I lack insight to the variables and options that construct the path. The only way forward is to gain insight into those variables and options. Once I am armed with this knowledge the I can make a choice. By making a choice I found as you say "peace" which I think is as good a word as any to describe the result. It has abated the turmoil of 'why chasing' and blame assignment. It has not fixed the SM but has changed my focus from what I do not have to what I do have.
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