First Couples Therapy

Vindication: sex is part of marriage
               : intimacy is part of marriage
               : respect is part of marriage
               : communication is part of marriage
               : manipulative controlling and refusal dissolves all four of these things, and dissolves a marriage.
               : you went above and beyond to try and resurrect a dead marriage. 

Nothing selfish about that.

Holy vagina. You pair of muppets!

On the bright side.....

At least it's not 45 minutes away

You could schedule a coffee shop together for cake and honesty? X

Oh, I dunno... I think the therapist deserves to hear the unadulterated first-cuts before any re-factoring occurs. I'm certain her version will not be the same between the first and second readings.

Then again, it might be productive to discuss it outside the therapist's office [he says naïvely].

So, talked with the counselor via email after our mixup, and she said to go ahead and share what we'd written down, but make sure it was the final form that we'd also share when we got back together next week. The wife asked me if we could talk about it Thursday night. However, I still had work to do, and asked if we could talk about it over the weekend, when we had time to actually discuss what we were going to talk through. She seemed ok with that at first, then wasn't. We talked about it yesterday during the day, in terms of me being especially guarded and wary of supposed progress that she was showing. Thought we were ok, and I was still going to go ahead with plans to go out with friends last night (she'd also been invited, but had declined, per usual).

Went to my solo therapy yesterday after I left work, and shit got real. But then, what else do you expect when your therapist busts out the DSM in the middle of the session? We started talking about my guarded-ness, and somehow circled back around to my wife's continuing physical and emotional issues, her continued denial about being depressed, and her continued refusal to go see a specialist about her migraines and cluster headaches (or whatever she calls them now). The DSM came out when he asked about her function level and my thoughts on where it was with regards to her depression- apparently the number range I picked is "pretty effing depressed." We spent the rest of the session talking about new strategies for me to try and continue to express my concerns, and my continued wariness because something so fundamentally huge has been affecting our relationship for so long, and she hasn't been willing to address the root causes.

The Wife got home about an hour before I was due to leave to meet friends- got in the door, made a beeline straight for the bedroom, and collapsed on the bed, lights off, door shut. I went to check on her a few minutes before I left, and she was still lying in bed, reading. I asked her what was wrong, and she burst into tears and told me she didn't want me to go. I told her I'd be willing to call and cancel, that my friends would understand if she wanted to talk instead. She shook her head no, told me to go. I've walked this line before. If I go, she'll be upset I'm not with her. If I don't go, she'll be upset AND feel guilty for letting me down. Easier to go.

Went out with friends. After the last couple of weeks, I needed the time to unwind anyway. I texted her when I was leaving that I was on the way home, no reply. Got home, the dog was in the crate in the kitchen, but her car wasn't there. Toothbrush and suitcase are both gone.

I texted her a little bit ago, asking if she was planning on coming home today.

"If you're asking because somebody has invited you to do something, don't let me stand in your way."

"No... I thought we were talking this weekend?"

"Do you have a timeline in mind?"

"Whenever you feel comfortable."

This should be a fun rest of the weekend.

She replied that she'll "stop by" around 12:30.

Time to load up the heavy artillery.

Sounds like a lot of fancy physiological babble
comes out of both of your mouths. You two say a lot with out saying anything. Try a direct small word approach.

Take her indirect ,avoiding answers, and dissect them. Repeat them break them down word for word. Force her hand.

My guess is three things will happen. She will close up and try to avoid the confrontation, stalling. She will change the subject, shift the blame, and use examples and words that are as far away from the subject as possible. She will break into tears, more stalling.

All an opportunity to hold your ground and speak as direct, and firm as possible.