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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 1, 2016 8:11:39 GMT -5
To clarify, my home state says you have to be legally separated for a year before you can file for divorce. What we talked about in therapy was taking this next few months to take stock and see if a separation might not be a good idea to provide some distance and perspective on the situation. And seriously, as much as she likes to be left alone, I'm a bit surprised she's not more on board with that. She must know that if you guys separate, even temporarily, that you are not coming back. Yes, yes she does. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 1, 2016 8:49:06 GMT -5
She must know that if you guys separate, even temporarily, that you are not coming back. Yes, yes she does. Goes back to that hard hitting line, " she does not love you, she loves having you around!" |
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 1, 2016 8:58:55 GMT -5
Goes back to that hard hitting line, " she does not love you, she loves having you around!" I've often wondered what exactly she's getting out of this marriage... Especially since she only likes having new around at arm's length. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 1, 2016 9:06:06 GMT -5
You answered part of that earlier. It looks good from the outside. She's content with that.
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 1, 2016 9:12:45 GMT -5
Having lunch with the ministers at our church this week to let them know what's going on any tender my resignation from the deacon board. I don't feel like I can do that while we're figuring this shit out.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 1, 2016 9:25:42 GMT -5
Having lunch with the ministers at our church this week to let them know what's going on any tender my resignation from the deacon board. I don't feel like I can do that while we're figuring this shit out. I understand where your coming from. The bad part is how the church runs away from marital problems. They out to be grabbing the bull by the horns, and starting a divorce recovery group and watch people climbing over the walls for advice! back to your wife , she is avoiding facing her fears of, intimacy, self confidence, and having to submit control by being vulnerable and open. Does that sound close? |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 1, 2016 13:17:01 GMT -5
Having lunch with the ministers at our church this week to let them know what's going on any tender my resignation from the deacon board. I don't feel like I can do that while we're figuring this shit out. I hope you find understanding with them Tiger xxx |
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 1, 2016 13:51:54 GMT -5
Having lunch with the ministers at our church this week to let them know what's going on any tender my resignation from the deacon board. I don't feel like I can do that while we're figuring this shit out. I hope you find understanding with them Tiger xxx They're very good friends of mine; if my wife ever went out, they'd be friends of hers too. And I get the hint they have an idea something is amiss... |
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 3, 2016 10:42:39 GMT -5
Meeting our head minister for lunch in a few minutes to tell her what's going on and resign the board of deacons; that'll help clear my conscience a good bit.
Next session tomorrow. The"homework" has been eye-opening, even though I'm still having a hard time putting into words exactly what I hope to achieve from this counseling.
Something about talking about our needs in this relationship, and seeing there are any ways for us to meet them for each other?
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 3, 2016 11:18:45 GMT -5
Meeting our head minister for lunch in a few minutes to tell her what's going on and resign the board of deacons; that'll help clear my conscience a good bit. Next session tomorrow. The"homework" has been eye-opening, even though I'm still having a hard time putting into words exactly what I hope to achieve from this counseling. Something about talking about our needs in this relationship, and seeing there are any ways for us to meet them for each other? Perhaps this video would help you understand your needs better, The Sex Starved Marriage by Michelle Werner Davis on utube. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2016 20:49:51 GMT -5
Meeting our head minister for lunch in a few minutes to tell her what's going on and resign the board of deacons; that'll help clear my conscience a good bit. Next session tomorrow. The"homework" has been eye-opening, even though I'm still having a hard time putting into words exactly what I hope to achieve from this counseling. Something about talking about our needs in this relationship, and seeing there are any ways for us to meet them for each other? Why not be more specific about your needs, one need in particular? If she says she won't talk about sex until she gets X, well, handle it how you want, but I'd say "this is about both our needs not just yours." You're right, each other means yours too. The sex person always ends up waiting in therapy. The refuser gets showered with attention and the couple has lots of cuddling and meaningful conversations and the sex never seems to come. The sex person is willing to start meeting the refuser's needs right out of the gate. The refuser should be willing to do the same. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 3, 2016 20:55:08 GMT -5
I'm addressing intimacy as a large general umbrella, as it's all been lacking. And affection, and self-esteem, since she gave me the reason about keeping me "at arm's length." Because I feel like all of those need to be addressed at once.
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Post by unmatched on Aug 3, 2016 21:14:59 GMT -5
I'm addressing intimacy as a large general umbrella, as it's all been lacking. And affection, and self-esteem, since she gave me the reason about keeping me "at arm's length." Because I feel like all of those need to be addressed at once. They do all need to be addressed. If you are asking 'what do I want this relationship to look like?' then the key word in that is relationship. I must admit I am quite curious to see what your W comes up with and what she feels she is getting out of the relationship. And how much you as a real breathing person feature in that picture. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 3, 2016 21:16:12 GMT -5
I'm addressing intimacy as a large general umbrella, as it's all been lacking. And affection, and self-esteem, since she gave me the reason about keeping me "at arm's length." Because I feel like all of those need to be addressed at once. They do all need to be addressed. If you are asking 'what do I want this relationship to look like?' then the key word in that is relationship. I must admit I am quite curious to see what your W comes up with and what she feels she is getting out of the relationship. And how much you as a real breathing person feature in that picture. I've wondered the same thing. She asked me a couple of hours ago what the homework assignment was again, and just started working on it tonight. I'm at 4 journal pages full of stuff, and still writing. This should be interesting... |
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Post by unmatched on Aug 3, 2016 21:19:55 GMT -5
There does seem to be a common thread, in that everybody on here spends a huge amount of time thinking about our relationships and what we want and why they aren't working and how we can fix them and even how we can get out without hurting anyone too much. Our partners not so much...
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