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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 31, 2016 13:54:51 GMT -5
Where to begin! My aging father in law has lived with us for 9 yrs now. I agreed in the beginning that we would try it. That at times it will be helpful to have another adult in the house, so all the kids don't have to go with me all the times. Crazy laws about leaving kids home alone under age 12. 9 years later, guess Who is still with us? We moved to a bigger house due to him. The house we purchased all revolved around him. Everyone shares a room he has his own. He doesn't drive, has poor vision, heart conditions, hearing aids etc...Calls for my 13 yr old like his servant to do many things for him.
here's the kicker, you can not be a couple, when there is a threesome! Bottom line...my wife would rather live with her Daddy than have a husband! Just a few examples: she comes home and talks over an hour with her daddy. I am lucky to get, " hello". Guess who is always to tired in the evening, and to tired in the morning. However, will jump to her feet at any moment if " daddy" needs anything. Or when " daddy" wants to go out for breakfast in the morning.
Ironically " grandpa" left " grandma" ( my wife's parents) because grandma is a controlling, self attached, refuser!
when the day comes my refuser wife will be living with her aged father, seeing the kids every other week, in total denial that her upbringing, and fears of intimacy, and her intruder father had anything to do with our failed marriage. My father in law has an older son and daughter, loads of grandchildren, and great grand children, and relatives in other states, not to mention his still married to wife, who lives alone in a two bedroom home.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 1, 2016 0:00:49 GMT -5
Wow. That is a messed up situation on several fronts.
This doesn't have much prospect of improving for a long time. Predictably, he'll require more and more of W's attention, until his death wreaks a whole new level of anxiety for her.
I suppose you've had the discussion with her more than a couple of times about how this lifestyle is killing your marriage. If so, she is consciously choosing the outcome, for lack of pursuing other solutions. (Other siblings, assisted living nearby, etc.)
I'm sympathetic to her taking the time she can with him, but not to the exclusion of her marriage.
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 1, 2016 7:42:00 GMT -5
I believe that was the beginning for me as well. It wasn't that I wasn't "first" in the marriage (although - I think the spouse SHOULD be) I wasn't even third! That being said. She does have a lot on her table, but have a real conversation with her and explain to her that you will try to help her about the house to free up some of her time - that you hope can be spent together without others around.
But you have to live up to your end as well.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 8, 2016 8:46:32 GMT -5
Wow. That is a messed up situation on several fronts. This doesn't have much prospect of improving for a long time. Predictably, he'll require more and more of W's attention, until his death wreaks a whole new level of anxiety for her. I suppose you've had the discussion with her more than a couple of times about how this lifestyle is killing your marriage. If so, she is consciously choosing the outcome, for lack of pursuing other solutions. (Other siblings, assisted living nearby, etc.) I'm sympathetic to her taking the time she can with him, but not to the exclusion of her marriage. My wife sees no problems at all! Much of what you say has been brought up in our counciling. She just sits there and does not respond. Just a testimony to her self centered priorities, her controlling attitude of her way only. The other 5 children avoid grandpa as much as possible. Yet she remains okay with that. So...it comes down to, " I want you to be the leader, to take more responsibilities". When I point out all the fallacies of having Grandpa around, and the affects it has had dividing all of us even more, I get the blank stare, the silent treatment. If I push the issue really hard, then comes the petty excuses of all the other family members on her side. What's left? To set a deadline, put his things out on the street? That's really going to improve my marriage! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 8, 2016 9:15:35 GMT -5
I believe that was the beginning for me as well. It wasn't that I wasn't "first" in the marriage (although - I think the spouse SHOULD be) I wasn't even third! Tonight is a fine example of that. Tonight is when two of our children perform in " Alice and Wonderland". I have been running them back and forth to drama class, with there homeschool group for 6 months. I over hear my wife this morning telling her daddy, ( grandpa) " I will be home to pick you up at 5:00, the seating begins at 6:00, the play starts at 7:00". She then comes into our room and says, "see you there tonight". We will not be traveling there, or home together, her father will be sitting with us, she will have dinner with him. I will be the one making sure the kids are fed, ( the other four as well) and get there at 4:15. (It can take half an hour to get there) also bringing them home. So, yes grandpa is an intruder, and I am at the bottom of the list. Of course, even if we traveled together, had dinner, sat together at the play, went home together with the children as a family, she says my conversation is " useless drivel". So I listen, and I watch her ignore me. While she wants me to be "in control, to take charge!" See the never ending cycle, the double bind, the lose,lose, situation. |
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Post by petrushka on Apr 14, 2016 23:57:17 GMT -5
Sounds like your wife went to school with a master (her mother). Yet another argument for not leaving your kids exposed to seriously screwed relationship dynamics and abusive behavior from one parent. That's how it gets passed down the generations.
So she wants you to take control? Maybe stop with the useless drivel, put a dog collar with spikes on her neck when she comes home, take her clothes off, cuff her hands together behind her back and make her kneel on the living room floor and give you a BJ there and then. ?!? Is that what she means, do you think? Bring on the chains and the whips?
Oh, oops, this is not in "the lighter side of things" branch of the forum. ... Soz.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 20, 2017 8:37:02 GMT -5
This is for cagedtiger, and anyone else this applies to. 10 yrs now of FIL living with us. The "poop hit the paddle" the other day when he went out and rescued his daughter by buying groceries for the family. He thinks it's "for the good of everyone".
I have to remind him "stay out of this, this is not your battle, this is not your business."
He then insulted my manhood, tried to defend his daughter, and pulled a DARVO on me.
That's when I layed it out for him. A bunch of facts about all the manipulation, of power and control, all revolving around "the money" and how his daughter can not be trusted. Also how much of it will come out in court.
He finally had to say, "I didn't know". I reminded him, "that's right! You don't know, there's a lot you don't know, you are intruding again! You need to stay out of it, it's not your concern."
Then there's the "me' that would have let things like this continue, (before the divorce) and waiting to see what happens as I retreat further.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 20, 2017 9:07:57 GMT -5
Wow. She could be her own case study in psychodrama. She is seriously in a reenactment of her momma & doesn't SEE any of it.
Please, couples displaying unhealthy relationships patterns, don't @stay for the kids" - it does not lead to a happy future for THEM.
Ick!
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Post by jim44444 on Apr 20, 2017 13:48:26 GMT -5
greatcoastal, your situation sucks but from my perspective if it ever comes down to my daughter or my SIL, the daughter will win, every time. You must plan on your FIL takings your wife's side.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 20, 2017 14:45:11 GMT -5
greatcoastal , your situation sucks but from my perspective if it ever comes down to my daughter or my SIL, the daughter will win, every time. You must plan on your FIL takings your wife's side. I am going to respectfully dis agree with you. Your daughter takes your SIL car keys out of her purse right in front of you. Your SIL says" come back here, what are you doing, no one said you could do that". Your daughter than backs your SIL car out of the driveway and drives it straight into a tree. Both you and your SIL were standing in the driveway and saw the whole thing. Your daughter claims she never did any of it, it's all your SIL fault. Somehow I doubt you would take your daughters side. I hope not. Where talking adults here. I realize that he knows who butters his bread. That's why he would do much better to not get involved. He will also be asked to testify in court. He has said more than once that he went through some of the same things with his controlling wife who he ran away from. One of his comments towards my controlling W and his daughter is, "she's the boss." At his age (85) he has given up. (that's his mentality) Not mine. Again, (in my humble opinion) No one should give in to family ,over facts and truths. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 20, 2017 14:57:46 GMT -5
greatcoastal , your situation sucks but from my perspective if it ever comes down to my daughter or my SIL, the daughter will win, every time. You must plan on your FIL takings your wife's side. My stbx put some stipulation in her parenting plan about "no adult visitors spending the night at my house when the kids are there without her approval." That sounds like quite a stretch. I will not be allowing her such control of my life after the divorce. In fact I am now even more "concerned" about her having relatives spend the night (or living permanently) at the house while my children are there. There's plenty of evidence that shows domestic violence rarely occurs between two total strangers. Instead the numbers show that it will most likely be a family member (spouse or relative). Or I can easily agree to it and say, "that's fine. We will also include all relatives as well". I expect the whole request to be dropped anyways. |
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