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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 5, 2023 21:53:58 GMT -5
... I began to "work" when his bio daughter with disabilities became eligible for paid care hours and I got paid for what I was already doing. The wage is ok but does not meet the living standards here so even if I wanted to rent a one bedroom apartment I have to make 3 times the rent , I been looking around to get an idea but I am just not sure how to make it work. Since my wage is directly tied into his bio daughter, I could be cut short easily by him if he is mad in a divorce... ... At 47, what career can I start that doesn't make me financially upside down in my own life?... Shamwow replying had me reading this a second time and this jumped out at me, this time. So, you've been looking after his daughter, unpaid. Now, due to some government program, I guess?, you are getting paid by teh government to look after her, but not very much. Is that what I'm hearing? Yes, as an "adult" she qualifies for services. She just turned 32. I am in this precarious situation where I can't talk about clients but as a mom how much can I say... its difficult. She is operating at about a 2year old level. |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 5, 2023 22:11:35 GMT -5
Sweetplumeria said: "At 47, what career can I start that doesn't make me financially upside down in my own life?." Your husband is 77. How will you support yourself if he dies? Given his daughter's disability, does his will leave everything to her? If he dies, would you still be able to get government support for taking care of her? What about housing? Is the house paid off and in your name, too? If he or his daughter gets sick and incurs major medical debt, what will happen to you? How much do you know about your household's finances? Talking to a career counselor could help you figure out how to support yourself, something you need to know whether or not you divorce. If you are in the US, contact your state's unemployment office as every state gets federal grants to provide free job training, employment counseling, to its residents. I found mine very helpful when I was 60 and had been unemployed for about 15 years. With the help of their counseling, job fairs, workshops, etc. I was able to get a decent job with benefits. I also learned how to seek jobs in this market. Things had changed a great deal since the last time I'd worked. Great advice!!! To answer some of your questions: I am in charge of our finances so I know every detail and I think that's part of my hesitancy to leave. The house is in a trust (because we had to set up everything as if we both die. H thinks he is my age WTFE!) If she gets sick... her programs will kick in and we will have choices to make. If he gets sick.. idk... I will be more miserable. If I stayed I am set. His retirement is set up with a purpose, if we divorce I get nothing and if we stay married I get half payments for my life. Our house has 5 years left on the mortgage. If H dies it would be doable. H is very healthy for his age. He takes no medications, his labs are all great and he doesn't have dementia he is just an asshole, or at least that's what it feels like. I will look into the career stuff. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 6, 2023 5:09:00 GMT -5
His retirement is set up with a purpose, if we divorce I get nothing and if we stay married I get half payments for my life. There's more than a few ILIASM members who are scared of getting wiped out by their refuser. How does one set up a retirement a spouse gets no part of. This sounds like bulletproof pre-nup stuff. On the employment front, caretaking for the disabled is already a career. Not a well compensated one, to be sure. I'm curious if you can bring in a different caretaker and pursue a similar position at a private employer that pays better. Stupid that it should work that way, but the demand for low, low taxes means paying as little as possible to low-level government workers. If husband objects, you can negotiate supplementation to match private compensation? In a private (or even public) outside employer, promotion is at least a possibility. Is a pay raise even a thing when you care for a loved one on the government dime? Maybe it is. I admit ignorance. Is experience with your minor daughter taken into account when paying you to care for an adult? This may be utter madness, but can you take care of a second person, child, or adult dropped off at your home for a partial day? (Day care, but any ol' time of day.) Some states require paperwork/license/permit, but many don't and the paperwork may be worth doing, if the idea isn't a non-starter. Higher skilled options may include tutoring which might be folded in to day care needs parents have if you feel you have some teaching ability and relate well to kids. Your daughter might enjoy having a child around? (Again, it may be a cluster-f in teh making. I don't know your situation.) |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 6, 2023 9:47:01 GMT -5
His retirement is set up with a purpose, if we divorce I get nothing and if we stay married I get half payments for my life. There's more than a few ILIASM members who are scared of getting wiped out by their refuser. How does one set up a retirement a spouse gets no part of. This sounds like bulletproof pre-nup stuff. (Again, it may be a cluster-f in teh making. I don't know your situation.) On the retirement piece, he selected that option when he retired. Since I am his 3rd marriage it makes sense from his point of view. Also from his POV he is taking care of me. In some respects true, roof over my head, food to eat, etc. Affection, not so much. In terms of the caretaker job your right low paying career. It is slowly getting more benefits like yearly raise (albeit small), the health benefits are shit but technically exist. When I went to the lawyer she did have a suggestion and that was to move the legal guardianship to my name only and then legally I get to decide. I could then take her with me if I go. Its definitely worth pondering.... I have also considered just a complete pullout and no responsibility. If this was easy I would have done it already. But in fairness, it was wise to go to the lawyer. Waiting until I was ready was probably also good. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 6, 2023 11:42:08 GMT -5
"When I went to the lawyer she did have a suggestion and that was to move the legal guardianship to my name only and then legally I get to decide."
If your husband dies, will you automatically have guardianship?
I know in my state, Florida, since I’d been married over 10 years in case of divorce, I was entitled legally to half of his debts and assets including his retirement.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 6, 2023 11:44:04 GMT -5
Currently we are co-guardians.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 6, 2023 11:47:33 GMT -5
Currently we are co-guardians. I don't automatically come off the guardianship if he dies so I would have to do legal and remove him anyway or remove myself. I know this because I was guardian for my grandma who had dementia and I had to prove she was dead to end the guardianship. It was kinda weird.
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Post by tinymouse on Jan 10, 2023 23:43:07 GMT -5
If you are staying, what about going to school. Even if just one class a semester to get something that if you do choose to leave at some point, you can get a better job. Also not sure about where you are, but I know some states are hurting for employees and benefits are usually good. It is something to think about.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 11, 2023 1:41:45 GMT -5
If you are staying, what about going to school. Even if just one class a semester to get something that if you do choose to leave at some point, you can get a better job. Also not sure about where you are, but I know some states are hurting for employees and benefits are usually good. It is something to think about. I was going to school before I broke my foot. It felt very hard. One day I said to my husband, it feels like your trying to sabotage my efforts to go to college. He said, that's because I am. I am not making excuses but sometimes life is actually that hard to move forward. My life has been well measured and controlled. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 11, 2023 11:07:16 GMT -5
Sweetplumeria: You can take classes on-line and your controlling H wouldn't even know.
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Post by saarinista on Jan 17, 2023 17:34:19 GMT -5
This post is a good reminder that sex is just one part of marriage. In fact, it's the part that the legal system does not care about at all.
Essentially, marriage is a fiduciary and contractual institution that determines responsibility for debts and childcare. The government and our legal system have ZERO stake in whether spouses have sex or not.
So while we on this board are concerned about having sexual marriages, legally, that's not an issue. The law does not compel anyone to be sexual with their spouse. That behavior is determined privately.
An ancillary issue is that extramarital sex can in some cases affect a divorce settlement. But that's different.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 17, 2023 20:02:20 GMT -5
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Post by petrushka on Jan 18, 2023 4:33:48 GMT -5
Or if it happens early enough, like on the 'honeymoon', it may be sufficient for an annulment.
However, how many freshly married grooms or brides would recognize what the score is for their future  |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jan 18, 2023 8:40:17 GMT -5
If you are staying, what about going to school. Even if just one class a semester to get something that if you do choose to leave at some point, you can get a better job. Also not sure about where you are, but I know some states are hurting for employees and benefits are usually good. It is something to think about. I was going to school before I broke my foot. It felt very hard. One day I said to my husband, it feels like your trying to sabotage my efforts to go to college. He said, that's because I am. I am not making excuses but sometimes life is actually that hard to move forward. My life has been well measured and controlled. What about an online medical coding program? You can do it while being the care taker. Once you have the materials you can basically study and take the test whenever.. even if you don't finish the class you are employable. Also lots of work from home opportunities which would allow you to do both. I am a medical coder started working from home 3 years ago. |
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Post by saarinista on Jan 18, 2023 15:29:54 GMT -5
Interesting. However, apparently that legal view is based partly on the concept that people should be begetting children and fulfilling their "marital obligations." Not exactly the most enticing reasons to have sex, IMHO.... Also, in most places you don't have to have "grounds" any longer to divorce, do you? I just wish open marriage was more sanctioned. My spouse for example is a kind and decent man. The last thing I'd want to do is upset his life with financial and legal procedings. I like him. I care about him. Those parts of the marriage are fine. It's the sex that is lacking. But throwing out a whole marriage to have sex-it seems like overkill to me. There are not a lot of great options out there! |
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