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Post by sweetplumeria on Nov 27, 2022 4:36:59 GMT -5
Well, I hope many chime in here. It's taken me forever... The first time I saw a lawyer the kids were young enough that I wasn't prepared for questions about custody etc. This second go at it with Adult kids I thought I was ready. I had lots of questions prepared etc. Then she said near the end, Whats the best case scenario and the worse case scenario. After I said my answers she said, "In your worse case scenario your still married." I felt like I had been sucker punched. Truly gutted. So, after 28 years I am still not ready?  ? ugh! My friends, some of you found your way quickly and then there are the rest of us. The good news is I have a lawyer if I am ever ready. My youngest child is over 21 now! The only other thing I have found out is if I divorce I am financially fucked! There it is. I done it. |
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Post by lessingham on Nov 27, 2022 5:59:33 GMT -5
Reading a book about staying or leaving. The author calls the decision either way crossing the Rubycon. We all fear it, we procrastinate and put it off. It is the fear of the other side, the worst case scenario.
You made the decision and crossed. It does not make you " fucked" it makes you someone moving forwards, the hero in your own story.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Nov 27, 2022 10:57:49 GMT -5
I was one that took a long time but got out. Every situation is different. I had never lived alone I married my ex straight out of high school. He was in the military so I skipped college, I was a stay at home mom for 11 years.. at that time things are going south. I went to tech program only to find out I was barely making over minimum wage. I worked my way up into different jobs. My kids became adults. My ex purposely kept us in debt to keep me there. I finally just quit paying bills until he saw reason. Then I systematically payed off bills got $6000 in savings. What finally made me take the leap was the fear of living with no quality of life trumped my fear of being poor. My kids were grown I can live as cheap as I need to or work more than one job. I left my 3000 sq ft home and moved into a 1 bedroom apartment close to work . I shopped at Aldi , didn't eat out at first. Had a strict budget for a few months then when I was sure of what I had extra I started going out some. It all worked out. Working my exit plan of getting bills paid off made the divorce painless. I didn't ask for any spousal support , left him the house. Took half his 401k . The whole divorce with qdro forms was $1200 which we split. He did not want the divorce but either way it was happening so when I told him he could spend a little or a lot but either way in the end he would still be divorced .
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 28, 2022 3:28:57 GMT -5
Well, I hope many chime in here. It's taken me forever... The first time I saw a lawyer the kids were young enough that I wasn't prepared for questions about custody etc. This second go at it with Adult kids I thought I was ready. I had lots of questions prepared etc. Then she said near the end, What's the best case scenario and the worse case scenario. After I said my answers she said, "In your worse case scenario your still married." I felt like I had been sucker punched. Truly gutted. So, after 28 years I am still not ready? ? ugh! My friends, some of you found your way quickly and then there are the rest of us. The good news is I have a lawyer if I am ever ready. My youngest child is over 21 now! The only other thing I have found out is if I divorce I am financially fucked! There it is. I done it. Did teh lawyer infer that? Or you said staying married was part of your worst case? What are your best and worst case? Last I checked, you were outsourcing. That helps some with sexless marriage. You've said you get approached in a romantic way. That likely cures the damage to your self-esteem from spousal rejection. It's him, not you. Maybe you were ready, but your situation has become more tolerable so you no longer are? Maybe that's okay? While still sexless between the two of you, is the marriage still useful? Do the pros now outweigh the cons? How much? Marriage used to be more utilitarian. It's not wrong to consider the mores of yesteryear. How does he come out financially if you divorce? Isn't he just as eff'd? NOTE: For my own part, vis-a-vis the thread topic, when I started dating, I made no legal preparation. This was foolish and I got lucky that I suffered zero consequences. |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Nov 28, 2022 5:20:04 GMT -5
How does he come out financially if you divorce? Isn't he just as eff'd?
NOTE:
For my own part, vis-a-vis the thread topic, when I started dating, I made no legal preparation. This was foolish and I got lucky that I suffered zero consequences.
[/quote]
Trying to figure out where to begin.
First, congratulations on clearing the consequences. I live in a no fault state so my legal council said that an affair had no bearing on the outcome unless it can be proven marital assets were used to support it. I am in the clear on this.
He is less effed for a couple of reasons. Let's start here; He is 77 and is retired having a long career behind him that he revisits through various workshop situations. So while I would get alimony for the rest of my life... uh He can only pay it if he is alive. All preparations made pre divorce would be null in void meaning I wouldn't get the retirement and if the courts deemed he needed the money for elder care and I am capable of working I would still possibly lose despite the fact that my earning potential is less. Basically is the judge in a good mood that day.
I also stayed at home homeschooling for many years aka stay at home mom. I began to "work" when his bio daughter with disabilities became eligible for paid care hours and I got paid for what I was already doing. The wage is ok but does not meet the living standards here so even if I wanted to rent a one bedroom apartment I have to make 3 times the rent , I been looking around to get an idea but I am just not sure how to make it work. Since my wage is directly tied into his bio daughter, I could be cut short easily by him if he is mad in a divorce.
The lawyer talked at length about how marriage was meant to create this codependent structure that is not easy to get out of. I found these words a bit of relief after having wondered why it felt so hard to separate. So I could separate but any spousal support would be much less than staying or waiting it out.
For those of you wondering, I have a 30 year age gap so thinking about my future is still important. At 47, what career can I start that doesn't make me financially upside down in my own life?
Also, my husband may or may not be getting dementia. So this is another set of restrictions on my future should he become incapable of making his own decisions.
So when she asked me what I saw of a worst and best case scenario. my example of worst case was still married. I hadn't realized thats what I had chosen when I said it. That's why I was gutted.
Not sure what else to include except Baza is right¹. Find out how it shakes out for you.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 28, 2022 10:39:51 GMT -5
I have talked to a lawyer. The 1st one was terrible. She was fresh out of school and what a waste of time. Second one was a lot more experienced and gave me a sense of reality. In the end, I decided that I wanted to stay with my family even if the relationship was lacking in intimacy. Staying but straying as I put it. I don't know how long this might last. Some days I fantasize about divorcing, other days I think that what I have is workable. My dating and flirting has been hit and miss. As a man, it is a competitive field and it requires a lot of time. There are opportunities within my social circle which would be lower effort but its a no go zone for me. sweetplumeria reading your situation, the thing that stuck out for me is if your husband has sorted out a POA and will. Might be something to look into if you have not. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Nov 28, 2022 11:50:48 GMT -5
Accidentally saying out loud what's true, and realizing it.
The final marriage counsellor in our set asked at an intense moment about why I was hanging on so hard when it was evident to the three of us that I was the only one doing so.
"Why won't you let go the rope?"
"Because then there would be no relationship at all," I answered.
It took a week to unwind my knot. The relationship was unrequited. Hard to put the genie back in the bottle after that.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Nov 28, 2022 16:32:58 GMT -5
sweetplumeria reading your situation, the thing that stuck out for me is if your husband has sorted out a POA and will. Might be something to look into if you have not.[/quote] So, it was hard to get done, but we have in place a revocable living trust in place along with POA, etc. We had to intentionally keep out the daughter so that her programs are not jeopardized. If I were able to have an amicable nice divorce I would love to keep that in place. Allow him to live here for his life. Me figure mine out with the retirement in place so I am ok in my aged life. But this did not sound like a possibility at all according to the attorney. She explicitly said alimony would be less than what I currently would be getting. It's hard to let go of thos life lines.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Nov 28, 2022 16:34:05 GMT -5
"Because then there would be no relationship at all," I answered.
It took a week to unwind my knot. The relationship was unrequited. Hard to put the genie back in the bottle after that.
[/quote]
Your words really strike me. I will be thinking about this for a while.
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Post by theexplorer on Dec 2, 2022 12:20:54 GMT -5
The only other thing I have found out is if I divorce I am financially fucked! There it is. I done it.
And THIS is the primary reason many people stay married!!
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Post by h on Dec 5, 2022 9:48:15 GMT -5
The only other thing I have found out is if I divorce I am financially fucked! There it is. I done it.
And THIS is the primary reason many people stay married!!
Yup. It certainly is for me. |
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Post by dallasgia on Dec 31, 2022 20:46:03 GMT -5
And THIS is the primary reason many people stay married!!
Yup. It certainly is for me. It is the single thing that keeps me in |
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Post by shamwow on Dec 31, 2022 22:07:12 GMT -5
How does he come out financially if you divorce? Isn't he just as eff'd? NOTE: For my own part, vis-a-vis the thread topic, when I started dating, I made no legal preparation. This was foolish and I got lucky that I suffered zero consequences. Trying to figure out where to begin. First, congratulations on clearing the consequences. I live in a no fault state so my legal council said that an affair had no bearing on the outcome unless it can be proven marital assets were used to support it. I am in the clear on this. He is less effed for a couple of reasons. Let's start here; He is 77 and is retired having a long career behind him that he revisits through various workshop situations. So while I would get alimony for the rest of my life... uh He can only pay it if he is alive. All preparations made pre divorce would be null in void meaning I wouldn't get the retirement and if the courts deemed he needed the money for elder care and I am capable of working I would still possibly lose despite the fact that my earning potential is less. Basically is the judge in a good mood that day. I also stayed at home homeschooling for many years aka stay at home mom. I began to "work" when his bio daughter with disabilities became eligible for paid care hours and I got paid for what I was already doing. The wage is ok but does not meet the living standards here so even if I wanted to rent a one bedroom apartment I have to make 3 times the rent , I been looking around to get an idea but I am just not sure how to make it work. Since my wage is directly tied into his bio daughter, I could be cut short easily by him if he is mad in a divorce. The lawyer talked at length about how marriage was meant to create this codependent structure that is not easy to get out of. I found these words a bit of relief after having wondered why it felt so hard to separate. So I could separate but any spousal support would be much less than staying or waiting it out. For those of you wondering, I have a 30 year age gap so thinking about my future is still important. At 47, what career can I start that doesn't make me financially upside down in my own life? Also, my husband may or may not be getting dementia. So this is another set of restrictions on my future should he become incapable of making his own decisions. So when she asked me what I saw of a worst and best case scenario. my example of worst case was still married. I hadn't realized thats what I had chosen when I said it. That's why I was gutted. Not sure what else to include except Baza is right¹. Find out how it shakes out for you. [/quote] So he's 77 years old with a 30 year age gap. Let's say you stay married and he dies tomorrow, next week, next month, next year... Whatever. How is it any different for you then? It seems to me that divorce aside you need to get a plan ASAP on how you will support yourself on your own. That is your number 1, number 2, and number 3 question. You mentioned retirement. If this is a 401k or IRA type account it would be divided at the time of the divorce. Half of it would be transferred to you then. He doesn't get to dip back into "your" part if he got sick. Look up what a QDRO is. This is pretty standard across most jurisdictions (in the US at least). Another question. How are you guys on debt? Credit cards, car loans, mortgage, etc....If you divorce you get half of these. If he dies, you get all of these. It is, of course, 100% your decision on whether to stay or leave, but if he dies then you find yourself in much the same situation. Just food for thought. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 5, 2023 7:20:26 GMT -5
... I began to "work" when his bio daughter with disabilities became eligible for paid care hours and I got paid for what I was already doing. The wage is ok but does not meet the living standards here so even if I wanted to rent a one bedroom apartment I have to make 3 times the rent , I been looking around to get an idea but I am just not sure how to make it work. Since my wage is directly tied into his bio daughter, I could be cut short easily by him if he is mad in a divorce... ... At 47, what career can I start that doesn't make me financially upside down in my own life?... Shamwow replying had me reading this a second time and this jumped out at me, this time. So, you've been looking after his daughter, unpaid. Now, due to some government program, I guess?, you are getting paid by teh government to look after her, but not very much. Is that what I'm hearing? |
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 5, 2023 13:31:38 GMT -5
Sweetplumeria said: "At 47, what career can I start that doesn't make me financially upside down in my own life?."
Your husband is 77. How will you support yourself if he dies? Given his daughter's disability, does his will leave everything to her? If he dies, would you still be able to get government support for taking care of her? What about housing? Is the house paid off and in your name, too? If he or his daughter gets sick and incurs major medical debt, what will happen to you?
How much do you know about your household's finances?
Talking to a career counselor could help you figure out how to support yourself, something you need to know whether or not you divorce. If you are in the US, contact your state's unemployment office as every state gets federal grants to provide free job training, employment counseling, to its residents. I found mine very helpful when I was 60 and had been unemployed for about 15 years. With the help of their counseling, job fairs, workshops, etc. I was able to get a decent job with benefits. I also learned how to seek jobs in this market. Things had changed a great deal since the last time I'd worked.
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? ugh!
