What if your H got all the sex he wanted?
Nov 17, 2022 9:24:58 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 17, 2022 9:24:58 GMT -5
medium.com/@drpsychmom/what-would-your-husband-act-like-if-he-got-all-the-physical-affection-he-wanted-ecb1710edc3d
What Would Your Husband Act Like If He Got All The Physical Affection He Wanted?
The majority of men have a love language of physical touch, which includes (but is not limited to) sex. They feel frustrated, sad, and lonely in their marriages when their wives do not give them this love language.
Even when men in this situation do get to have sex with (or generally touch) their wives, it is never as much as they would actually want.
What if you decided to see how it would impact your husband to give him all the love he actually wants and needs in the way that he feels loved?
I work with many women who receive daily or near-daily compliments, massages, acts of service, and so forth from their husbands, because their husbands are trying to speak their love languages and make them happy.
Yet, these women often dole out sex on a schedule that makes the ratio about 10:1 minimum in favor of times per week that their husband engages in their love language versus when they engage in his. This makes the men bitter and resentful, and eventually they stop doing the things their wives like, which meets with a sharp outcry.
Many women can say with a straight face that a man should do nice things just because he loves her, without thinking he deserves to get laid, but also say that she doesn’t want to have sex and shouldn’t have to do it if she never wants to.
This is illogical, because sex is what the husband considers a “nice thing,” so by the same logic, shouldn’t she do it out of love for him just as he should do whatever her love language is?
A way that some women get around this uncomfortable hypocrisy is saying that everything the husband does in her love language of acts of service is “for the household/kids” but sex is “only for him.” Your husband cleaning the counters in the way you like is for you, not for the household, although I of course believe that he should try and deeply empathize with why you care about the counters.
But if you want to use that logic, keeping your husband feeling secure and loved via touch and physical affection is for the household and kids as much as for your husband. The kids directly benefit from seeing a loving marriage, two happy parents, and an affectionate adult relationship that can provide them with a template for their own later relationships as adults.
A note on housework: Many men do split the housework, and increasingly more in this current era actually do more of it than their wives, from what I see in my practice (versus inaccurate memes online about men being lazy).
A frequent unspoken agreement that I see in many couples younger than 40 or so is that the man and woman split basic child care, e.g. bathtime, bedtime, drop-offs, but the woman does extra child enrichment (e.g. piano practice supervision) and/or “emotional labor” (e.g. ordering stuff on her phone that the kids need) while the husband does more of the physical housework, although often at her behest.
But if you want to see your husband actively try to please you and go out of his way to knock out the housework and other obligations that wear on you, try to show him love in the way that he most appreciates and values, and see what happens.
In situation where the wives DO actually do most of the physical housework, they often say they are too tired for sex because of all the housework they have to do. This is true; I discuss how housework is the death of female libido here.
But what if you could kill two birds with one stone: make your husband happy AND get out of doing the housework you dislike?
I have not yet encountered a man who yearns for more touch and sex that would not either personally do all the housework his wife dislikes or hire someone to do it IF this would make her want to love him and touch him more (love = touch for people with this love language).
Many women are using housework and childcare as an excuse for why they don’t want sex, when, in reality, they just don’t know or don’t want to know that women’s sex drive biologically decreases within monogamy and this isn’t generally because of anything their husband is doing “wrong.”
But if you are actually doing too much and are exhausted because of it, try speaking your husband’s love language and see how much of your load he offers to take over.
This doesn’t just go for housework. The vast majority of men with higher libidos than their wives (I would say from my counseling experience this is about 75% of men) would try harder in every single arena if they were getting their physical needs and wants addressed in a loving way (not phoning it in).
This means more romantic gestures, more date night plans, more compliments, more text messages, whatever. Happy people who feel valued and respected want to do nice things for the partner who makes them feel this way. This is very basic, but is forgotten by most tired, disconnected, stressed people, especially in competitive marriages.
If you don’t believe me on this, ask your husband directly how differently he might act if he were having AS MUCH GOOD SEX as he wants (not some “compromise” between “what he wants” and “when I ovulate”).
The majority of men do not act “nicer” after having sex because the sum total of their married sex lives is still far below what their needs are. Then women conclude that sex and physical touch in general don’t even impact their husbands, despite all their yammering about sex, and they are just never satisfied.
This would be like concluding that amoxicillin doesn’t cure your child’s ear infection if you only give them half the dose that is prescribed by the doctor.
Remember, I am talking about a world in which you genuinely want to make your husband happy and see what his actual “best self” could look like if he were totally happy.
I am not talking about throwing a bone of one episode of lukewarm sex and then being mad when this doesn’t lead to deep and transformational desire to give you a happier and easier life.
It is hard (and brave) to be the first partner to change an entrenched dynamic and to put yourself out there despite the list of grievances you may have amassed over your marriage.
But if you can try to genuinely make your husband happy in the ways that he actually deeply wants, I can tell you that I have seen in my couples counseling practice that this can be transformative for men’s self-esteem and happiness, which translates into them being more present, loving, appreciative, proactive, and generous partners.
Try it out and see! And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Send This Post To Your Partner To Spark A Discussion, Especially If You’re A Woman Who Has Thought “Having Sex Doesn’t Actually Seem To Make Him Nicer Even Though He Gripes So Much About How Little We Have It.”
What Would Your Husband Act Like If He Got All The Physical Affection He Wanted?
The majority of men have a love language of physical touch, which includes (but is not limited to) sex. They feel frustrated, sad, and lonely in their marriages when their wives do not give them this love language.
Even when men in this situation do get to have sex with (or generally touch) their wives, it is never as much as they would actually want.
What if you decided to see how it would impact your husband to give him all the love he actually wants and needs in the way that he feels loved?
I work with many women who receive daily or near-daily compliments, massages, acts of service, and so forth from their husbands, because their husbands are trying to speak their love languages and make them happy.
Yet, these women often dole out sex on a schedule that makes the ratio about 10:1 minimum in favor of times per week that their husband engages in their love language versus when they engage in his. This makes the men bitter and resentful, and eventually they stop doing the things their wives like, which meets with a sharp outcry.
Many women can say with a straight face that a man should do nice things just because he loves her, without thinking he deserves to get laid, but also say that she doesn’t want to have sex and shouldn’t have to do it if she never wants to.
This is illogical, because sex is what the husband considers a “nice thing,” so by the same logic, shouldn’t she do it out of love for him just as he should do whatever her love language is?
A way that some women get around this uncomfortable hypocrisy is saying that everything the husband does in her love language of acts of service is “for the household/kids” but sex is “only for him.” Your husband cleaning the counters in the way you like is for you, not for the household, although I of course believe that he should try and deeply empathize with why you care about the counters.
But if you want to use that logic, keeping your husband feeling secure and loved via touch and physical affection is for the household and kids as much as for your husband. The kids directly benefit from seeing a loving marriage, two happy parents, and an affectionate adult relationship that can provide them with a template for their own later relationships as adults.
A note on housework: Many men do split the housework, and increasingly more in this current era actually do more of it than their wives, from what I see in my practice (versus inaccurate memes online about men being lazy).
A frequent unspoken agreement that I see in many couples younger than 40 or so is that the man and woman split basic child care, e.g. bathtime, bedtime, drop-offs, but the woman does extra child enrichment (e.g. piano practice supervision) and/or “emotional labor” (e.g. ordering stuff on her phone that the kids need) while the husband does more of the physical housework, although often at her behest.
But if you want to see your husband actively try to please you and go out of his way to knock out the housework and other obligations that wear on you, try to show him love in the way that he most appreciates and values, and see what happens.
In situation where the wives DO actually do most of the physical housework, they often say they are too tired for sex because of all the housework they have to do. This is true; I discuss how housework is the death of female libido here.
But what if you could kill two birds with one stone: make your husband happy AND get out of doing the housework you dislike?
I have not yet encountered a man who yearns for more touch and sex that would not either personally do all the housework his wife dislikes or hire someone to do it IF this would make her want to love him and touch him more (love = touch for people with this love language).
Many women are using housework and childcare as an excuse for why they don’t want sex, when, in reality, they just don’t know or don’t want to know that women’s sex drive biologically decreases within monogamy and this isn’t generally because of anything their husband is doing “wrong.”
But if you are actually doing too much and are exhausted because of it, try speaking your husband’s love language and see how much of your load he offers to take over.
This doesn’t just go for housework. The vast majority of men with higher libidos than their wives (I would say from my counseling experience this is about 75% of men) would try harder in every single arena if they were getting their physical needs and wants addressed in a loving way (not phoning it in).
This means more romantic gestures, more date night plans, more compliments, more text messages, whatever. Happy people who feel valued and respected want to do nice things for the partner who makes them feel this way. This is very basic, but is forgotten by most tired, disconnected, stressed people, especially in competitive marriages.
If you don’t believe me on this, ask your husband directly how differently he might act if he were having AS MUCH GOOD SEX as he wants (not some “compromise” between “what he wants” and “when I ovulate”).
The majority of men do not act “nicer” after having sex because the sum total of their married sex lives is still far below what their needs are. Then women conclude that sex and physical touch in general don’t even impact their husbands, despite all their yammering about sex, and they are just never satisfied.
This would be like concluding that amoxicillin doesn’t cure your child’s ear infection if you only give them half the dose that is prescribed by the doctor.
Remember, I am talking about a world in which you genuinely want to make your husband happy and see what his actual “best self” could look like if he were totally happy.
I am not talking about throwing a bone of one episode of lukewarm sex and then being mad when this doesn’t lead to deep and transformational desire to give you a happier and easier life.
It is hard (and brave) to be the first partner to change an entrenched dynamic and to put yourself out there despite the list of grievances you may have amassed over your marriage.
But if you can try to genuinely make your husband happy in the ways that he actually deeply wants, I can tell you that I have seen in my couples counseling practice that this can be transformative for men’s self-esteem and happiness, which translates into them being more present, loving, appreciative, proactive, and generous partners.
Try it out and see! And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Send This Post To Your Partner To Spark A Discussion, Especially If You’re A Woman Who Has Thought “Having Sex Doesn’t Actually Seem To Make Him Nicer Even Though He Gripes So Much About How Little We Have It.”