She won

It's good to see you again lessinham,...
I went back and reread a # of your posts. what I am seeing in this post is the recurring draconian rules she imposes on you daily. Her endless need to control every facet of your life and her seeming need to squash anything that might provide you with a moment of pleasure or happiness. In the many years I have spent on this and the old EP forum I don't think I have seen a relationship so one sided as what you endure.
You once described your W as funny and otherwise amiable to be around. I don't see any of that in your posts. She seems to be anything but fun to be around.

Sorry to hear about this lessingham. I think you did good by getting this off your chest here. You have my empathy. Please feel free to vent here or otherwise seek support here as you see fit. It might also help to have a sympathetic ear via a friend or therapist if thats on option. Worse case direct message me. I can't promise I will be helpful, but Im happy to lend an ear and give you a third party perspective from someone who has been in a SM.

In the hope that it might be helpful in calibrating your mindset I offer the following questions to ask yourself.

• she won? What did she win? I am not sure I underatand this statement.

• she went through the trouble of hacking your phone? Did you ask why she did that? This might be an opportunity to have a frank discussion about relationship goals

• She demanded this and that? Are you ok with that? A relationship is a two way street. People are free to express their goals and needs. Nobody gets to demand shit.

• While I understand that porn may be filthy to some and everyone is entitled to their opinion. It alsomst sounds like she is trying to shame you. Fuck that. Don't allow it.

Normally I think this would be a good place in the journey to have a "crucial conversation" (google it). But it doesnt sound like the communication is all that great.

I encourage you to identify what you need and hold your ground. This doesn't mean that you should expect her to "meet" your needs. But the onus is on you to identify them and make your needs known. Be clear and consistent.

There is no need to be confrontational. That will make things worse IMO. She is going through a bit of a roller coaster given what you've said so allow some tolerance for that as she processes what is happening. I.e. its normal that she would be upset. You may want to create some emotional and physical diatance.

But its also normal for you to be upset for being neglected emotionally (for years?) and for your invasion of privacy.

The demanding nature of her response is a little concerning to say the least. Focus on what you want to get out of this (discussion? reconcilliation? Relationship break? Separation) and use that to inform you actions.

My opinion, if its of any value, is that this is a good opportunity for honest and open communication. Even if that means saying and hearing things the other doesnt want to hear but should. I am sure she would find that welcoming as well. If honest communication is not feasible, IC/MC might be an option. I find it hard to see how you can move forward TOGETHER w/o that.

When you have a mate that refuses or denies you sex their thoughts or opinions of the denied spouse turning to porn to relive their urges is irrelevant.

My mate expressed like disgust with my use of porn. I told her just because she had no sexual urges that did not give her the right to pass judgment on me for finding relief since I had no wife to assist in that task. Further I added, most men would skip the porn and just find a willing woman so as far as I was concerned she should consider herself damned lucky I chose the porn route instead of stepping out on her! I finished by telling her not to expect either an apology or embarrassment since this was in fact what I was reduced to and only option given my lack of a spouse.

That was a few months back and I never heard another word and do not expect to either. For me, it was not like I was risking having relations with my wife, that ship sailed several years ago. As far as I am concerned, my roommate can go f herself, the days of my giving a shit about what she thinks about anything I do are long gone!

Lessingham, please explain again why you stay with a wife who treats you with such contempt and why you allow her to even keep you from masturbating.

Awesome!
I didn't know you'd gotten so close before you faded away!

NorthStarMom has said she left when she'd decided she'd be better off alone, forever, than to stay.
I don't know how bad or what the nature of her situation was, but I dare say you have the worst environment I've ever heard form anyone here. No exaggeration.

You can regret decisions without abdicating progress in your life; crouching in a bubble of restraint and self-condemnation. Remorse is good, sure, but if it paralyses you from what you need to do, be it helping others, finding meaning in life, or perhaps being a companion to a lonely person, the remorse or contrition isn't doing the world a lot of good, nor yourself. Shame should lead to a resolve to be better, but part of that being better can include action, building a life you're proud of and maybe enjoy a little.

Maybe it'll help to leave, if you think of it as moving towards something else; something better. Leaving your bullying wife might be a part of it, it may not, but some distance now and then, finding affirmation from more cooperative companions may allow you to adopt an identity you like better, the world appreciates, and even your wife might like better, if she'd just allow him to exist.

Or, I'm way off base. 
Could happen.

The good news is that you had the strength to leave, even if for a night. You have to build on that. To piggy-back on what Angel and North said above, this woman sounds absolutely vile. I've heard of a lot of ridiculous accusations and comments from refusers on here over the years, but I don't think I've ever heard of a refuser demanding someone stop masturbating. That's really, really stupid of her. And what will she do if you don't meet this "demand"? Leave?? That would be doing you the biggest favor in the history of favors. But she won't. She proved that when you packed a bag and left. She is a coward who would crumble if you stood up to her and put her in her place, packed up and left. She is controlling, and that is what gets her off. Without you to order and kick around? She has nothing, and I'm sure she knows it. She'll be begging you to come back. I know it's easier said than done, but please get away from that freak show ASAP. As far as when you went back from the hotel, if there is still no sex life, then it did not get better at all. She cooled her iron fist a bit since you gave her a scare, but that's it. 

She's unhappy with you masturbating. Fuck that. If she's not interested in sex then tell her you're going to jerk it as often as you want to and if she doesn't like it, tough shit. It's your body to use as you see fit.