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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 4, 2022 6:43:04 GMT -5
...What would I do with myself if every day I was not ruminating over how to leave. What then would I think about?... ...I’ve got to get out from under my side gig job obligations (cause it requires this house) and will check that box Aug 14. Then, the wedding on Oct 2. Seems to me you have until (at least) Oct 2 to give yourself things to think about. On multiple threads we speak of building a social life to replace the married existence before leaving so the impact doesn't hit as hard with empty time. northstarmom nailed this, accidentally landing her new love at the community theater she joined. Maybe you already have some pursuits you can deepen your investment in. Connection with other people could be an important aspect of any life expansion you initiate. Perhaps overschedule and drop the things that don't grab ya at first. Community college classes? Meetups? Bowling league? Church groups? Candy striping? On another note, I had not heard about the wreckage to one's credit rating. Really good food for thought for a great many visitors here. Going to cross post at: iliasm.org/thread/6082/financially-terrified
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 4, 2022 10:26:31 GMT -5
I guess harsh is in the eye of the beholder. I got divorced just about 5 years ago and paid about $110k on child support. […] Of course every situation is different. But I feel that mine was fair to both parties, more importantly to the kids who didn't have to deal with material deprivation. I compare my situation to, for example, ironhamster and am grateful I'm on this side of the spectrum. You’re right that situations run the spectrum. In some cases, both spouses have similar incomes and part ways cleanly. In others, there are children that demand financial support (which frequently seems to be excessive and a source of income for the recipient) - in which case, piling alimony on top seems more punitive and crippling than reasonable, yet it’s the norm. And then there are cases where the marriage is long, there has been only one income, and the kids are (nearly) gone. Which is close to ironhamster’s situation and dallasgia, but with outcomes on opposite ends of the spectrum - one getting a lifetime alimony, the other getting nothing. When there is no child support in the picture, that’s a pretty harsh contrast and really not equitable in either case. (I’m personally looking at a crappy version of ironhamster’s outcome. No child support, but a lot more lifetime alimony. So, I find the Texas laws interesting, but acknowledge that it seems very unfair in the opposite extreme.) DC
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Post by shamwow on Jul 5, 2022 15:20:01 GMT -5
I guess harsh is in the eye of the beholder. I got divorced just about 5 years ago and paid about $110k on child support. […] Of course every situation is different. But I feel that mine was fair to both parties, more importantly to the kids who didn't have to deal with material deprivation. I compare my situation to, for example, ironhamster and am grateful I'm on this side of the spectrum. You’re right that situations run the spectrum. In some cases, both spouses have similar incomes and part ways cleanly. In others, there are children that demand financial support (which frequently seems to be excessive and a source of income for the recipient) - in which case, piling alimony on top seems more punitive and crippling than reasonable, yet it’s the norm. And then there are cases where the marriage is long, there has been only one income, and the kids are (nearly) gone. Which is close to ironhamster’s situation and dallasgia, but with outcomes on opposite ends of the spectrum - one getting a lifetime alimony, the other getting nothing. When there is no child support in the picture, that’s a pretty harsh contrast and really not equitable in either case. (I’m personally looking at a crappy version of ironhamster’s outcome. No child support, but a lot more lifetime alimony. So, I find the Texas laws interesting, but acknowledge that it seems very unfair in the opposite extreme.) DC Excellent perspective. That is also why baza's advice of "meet with an attorney to see how a divorce shakes out for your situation in YOUR jurisdiction" is so appropriate. Intersting fact... When I was getting divorced, my ex's mom was my ex's primary advisor. The advice was tailored to divorce in Texas from the 80's. Back then alimony was more prevelant and they were shocked that I wasn't going to have to be paying it. Times and laws change so knowing what is in effect right now is important.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 5, 2022 16:30:47 GMT -5
Intersting fact... When I was getting divorced, my ex's mom was my ex's primary advisor. The advice was tailored to divorce in Texas from the 80's. Back then alimony was more prevelant and they were shocked that I wasn't going to have to be paying it. Times and laws change so knowing what is in effect right now is important. Interesting… my understanding was based on hearsay, but after a grueling 0.5 seconds of research on Google, the laws appear not to be as severe as believed. Mostly, I was curious what caused the legal change, and when… what I learned is that spousal maintenance in Texas is still a thing, but with constraints. According to these lawyers, the maintenance period in Texas can be from 5 years (if married for more than 10) to 10 years (if married for more than 30). As a payor, that beats being strapped with lifetime alimony at 20 years. Then, the amount is capped at 20% of after-tax income or $5k/mo, whichever is lower. And then… the spouse claiming support needs to demonstrate that they can’t be self-reliant (I.e., not lifestyle). Lifetime alimony isn’t allowed. (Of course, any other terms can be voluntarily agreed to.) www.ondafamilylaw.com/what-are-the-guidelines-for-spousal-support-in-texas/So… it’s not as harsh as commonly believed. In fact, it seems to be pretty well balanced. I’m not sure that more than 5 years is appropriate, but if it has to survive a strong justification then perhaps there is balance there too. Overall, it sure seems more sane than other jurisdictions, which seem to believe that the non-earning spouse is entitled to continuing their lifestyle, without regard to the paying spouse being able to do the same. DC
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Post by dallasgia on Jul 29, 2022 10:44:32 GMT -5
Intersting fact... When I was getting divorced, my ex's mom was my ex's primary advisor. The advice was tailored to divorce in Texas from the 80's. Back then alimony was more prevelant and they were shocked that I wasn't going to have to be paying it. Times and laws change so knowing what is in effect right now is important. Interesting… my understanding was based on hearsay, but after a grueling 0.5 seconds of research on Google, the laws appear not to be as severe as believed. Mostly, I was curious what caused the legal change, and when… what I learned is that spousal maintenance in Texas is still a thing, but with constraints. According to these lawyers, the maintenance period in Texas can be from 5 years (if married for more than 10) to 10 years (if married for more than 30). As a payor, that beats being strapped with lifetime alimony at 20 years. Then, the amount is capped at 20% of after-tax income or $5k/mo, whichever is lower. And then… the spouse claiming support needs to demonstrate that they can’t be self-reliant (I.e., not lifestyle). Lifetime alimony isn’t allowed. (Of course, any other terms can be voluntarily agreed to.) www.ondafamilylaw.com/what-are-the-guidelines-for-spousal-support-in-texas/So… it’s not as harsh as commonly believed. In fact, it seems to be pretty well balanced. I’m not sure that more than 5 years is appropriate, but if it has to survive a strong justification then perhaps there is balance there too. Overall, it sure seems more sane than other jurisdictions, which seem to believe that the non-earning spouse is entitled to continuing their lifestyle, without regard to the paying spouse being able to do the same. DC The attorney I met with told me no way I would get alimony. I work - 3 jobs actually. He earns mid 6 figures of which I get a say on exactly $0 of how it’s used. He does pay all the bills. All of the household bills. Anything for me I pay including medical procedures (he carries & pays the insurance) , clothes, travel, anything I wish to do for kids, etc. I also am responsible for all household consumables and groceries and my gardening and household landscaping plantings. . All 3 jobs combined i eek out 50k per year. I was out of the work force so long - so many changes in the last critical 20 years technology wise. I do have a college degree. But, my main side gig and ½ my income requires this house - I quit taking bookings and last gig leaves Aug 14. (I can’t escape here with this side gig going) So, now Im looking at maybe 35k per yr but a significant amount of that I have going to 401k - I’m sinking 15% in cause I’m starting at basically zero and I’m 50. Then, when I have to add my own healthcare plan - I’ll be lucky to see 2k a month. I’ll find another side gig so all that to say I won’t qualify for alimony as I have been working the last several yrs with tax return demonstrated supportive income. I really don’t even care about alimony - maybe out of the ignorance, maybe just out of wanting the f out. I just want a vision of what’s going to happen. We have 2 houses so I presume I’ll end up with the small one out on a lake in rural Tx. I can’t afford a single month in the main house. I’m getting so exhausted by it all that I can’t really say I’m still terrified. Defeated, sad, beat down, fed up. Living hated in your own house and world for decades takes a steep toll on an empath. I wake up many nights with my heart beating in my chest so dang hard I think it’s getting bruises. My blood pressure is up to 140/80. I drink too much to cope. Something has got to give soon. Son’s Wedding is Oct 2. I must make that date at this point. If I don’t leave after that …
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Post by sadkat on Jul 29, 2022 15:30:18 GMT -5
Hang in there, G. You WILL make it! You are formulating a plan and will be prepared to execute it after the wedding. Take one day at a time. My blood pressure spiked during the last few years of my M, too. Went to the doctor for a check-up and found it (luckily). It's the number one silent killer of women (the heart attack resulting from the high blood pressure, that is). She immediately put me on blood pressure medicine. I had zero risk factors for high blood pressure, except for the immense amount of stress I was under. Please go see your doctor and get the treatment you need.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 3, 2022 23:41:12 GMT -5
Relax, dallasgia. It's an understatement to say you have a lot going on right now, but you are going to make it just fine. I have an idea that might or might not work for you. Are you open to having a housemate? In my area, real estate is a bit beyond fashionably overpriced. Spare rooms rent for about $1000 a month. Even if you can't command that sort of rent in your area, it's at least something extra coming in to help cover the bills and taxes.
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