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Post by recycled on May 18, 2022 0:36:12 GMT -5
It's my 9 year anniversary, 19 years together in total. Sex was fine until we got married, then he decided he had too much trauma from his Catholic upbringing and he feels sinful since we aren't procreating. He started therapy this week, but I feel madder at him than ever.
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Post by mirrororchid on May 18, 2022 5:28:34 GMT -5
It's my 9 year anniversary, 19 years together in total. Sex was fine until we got married, then he decided he had too much trauma from his Catholic upbringing and he feels sinful since we aren't procreating. He started therapy this week, but I feel madder at him than ever. I'm guessing you're on birth control? He'd rather your weren't?
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Post by recycled on May 18, 2022 12:28:09 GMT -5
It's my 9 year anniversary, 19 years together in total. Sex was fine until we got married, then he decided he had too much trauma from his Catholic upbringing and he feels sinful since we aren't procreating. He started therapy this week, but I feel madder at him than ever. I'm guessing you're on birth control? He'd rather your weren't? Interestingly, we never wanted children and he says he doesn't now, but he says he still feels guilty without the procreation piece since that's what he was taught. I'm not on BC but haven't needed it. Were I to have sex, I'd use a condom and if I got pregnant, I'd get an abortion (yay that it's still legal here!) I'm just feeling super mad he's never brought this up as a reason in our 19 years together. Sorry if the original post was unclear.
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Post by mirrororchid on May 18, 2022 18:35:03 GMT -5
I'm guessing you're on birth control? He'd rather your weren't? Interestingly, we never wanted children and he says he doesn't now, but he says he still feels guilty without the procreation piece since that's what he was taught. I'm not on BC but haven't needed it. Were I to have sex, I'd use a condom and if I got pregnant, I'd get an abortion (yay that it's still legal here!) I'm just feeling super mad he's never brought this up as a reason in our 19 years together. Sorry if the original post was unclear. Interesting. Is he aware you'd terminate a pregnancy? That could be quite the nuke to his beliefs, I'd wager. (Not his body, not his choice, but arguably his responsibility/fault) He may respect your rights but dreadfully fear the consequences. His Catholic upbringing may have emphasized how unreliable condoms are. His faith/church/family/God may expect him to intervene if there is a pregnancy. If he doesn't convince you to keep the baby, it becomes his sin/problem. To share that train of thought would be to burden you with his religious upbringing and fear. If he's a progressive kind of fella, respecting your rights, he could be wretchedly torn. This is not to say his religious trepidation is the reason for his refusals. Maybe it contributes. Sex stopped after the wedding. Frequent/enthusiastic participation before marriage? Or was it uncommon?
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Post by northstarmom on May 19, 2022 8:08:14 GMT -5
I'm curious about why you have chosen to stay with him. The sexlessness isn't likely to change after so much time sexless. Does your marriage include any good parts?
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Post by mirrororchid on May 20, 2022 4:58:29 GMT -5
I'm curious about why you have chosen to stay with him. The sexlessness isn't likely to change after so much time sexless. Does your marriage include any good parts? Recycled apparently was dealing with this in 2017: iliasm.org/thread/4000/lots-sayUseful background for everyone, if you want to catch up. She mentions a spicy, zesty ex she got in touch with, but we didn't hear how that turned out. Not our business, but may be useful to know. Especially if he's still "available" Two good things she mentions:
The husband used to be game when she was interested, though he didn't initiate. (not much, anyway) Her husband is more stable than her ex. She may mean in terms of relationship longevity. Her ex has maxed out at a six month coupling before she came along.
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Post by recycled on May 21, 2022 0:21:02 GMT -5
The ex and I decided not to make a go of it since I finally fessed up to being still married. I stay with my husband for other reasons - stability, compatibility, financial, things in common. But he finally told me tonight he's asexual. He was just diagnosed with autism this year. I feel so defeated, and alone. I just want to give up. I'm curious about why you have chosen to stay with him. The sexlessness isn't likely to change after so much time sexless. Does your marriage include any good parts? Recycled apparently was dealing with this in 2017: iliasm.org/thread/4000/lots-sayUseful background for everyone, if you want to catch up. She mentions a spicy, zesty ex she got in touch with, but we didn't hear how that turned out. Not our business, but may be useful to know. Especially if he's still "available" Two good things she mentions:
The husband used to be game when she was interested, though he didn't initiate. (not much, anyway) Her husband is more stable than her ex. She may mean in terms of relationship longevity. Her ex has maxed out at a six month coupling before she came along.
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Post by ironhamster on May 21, 2022 0:45:21 GMT -5
I'm so sorry to hear the news, recycled, that he is claiming asexuality. It makes sense, though, and, at least he is being honest now about that. The big question is, what are you going to do about it. I break it down into five options. 1. Stay, and be miserable. 2. Stay, but pressure your spouse to do things they don't want to do. 3. Stay, but get your needs met outside the marriage with permission. 4. Stay, but get your needs met outside the marriage without permission. 5. Leave, because the relationship is not meeting your needs and it's the honest thing to do. I had a friend that was married, and he and his life still loved each other, but in her 70's she decided she didn't want sex any more. She actually asked him to get it elsewhere, but just not to embarrass her. This arrangement has worked for them. One of my former partners was married, and still is. Technically, she wasn't in a sexless marriage, but her husband just wasn't very good so she outsourced and encouraged him to do the same. There are a lot of options out there if you want to stay, but I encourage you to find your bliss.
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Post by recycled on May 25, 2022 10:31:41 GMT -5
I've been pondering it over the past few days, and am taking the rest of the week off. I am thinking for my personality, it is probably going to be #5. I like being in a committed relationship that is monogamous, or single. I have a lot of trauma that makes it hard for me to trust many people, so I don't see #3/4 working for me. I'm so sorry to hear the news, recycled , that he is claiming asexuality. It makes sense, though, and, at least he is being honest now about that. The big question is, what are you going to do about it. I break it down into five options. 1. Stay, and be miserable. 2. Stay, but pressure your spouse to do things they don't want to do. 3. Stay, but get your needs met outside the marriage with permission. 4. Stay, but get your needs met outside the marriage without permission. 5. Leave, because the relationship is not meeting your needs and it's the honest thing to do. I had a friend that was married, and he and his life still loved each other, but in her 70's she decided she didn't want sex any more. She actually asked him to get it elsewhere, but just not to embarrass her. This arrangement has worked for them. One of my former partners was married, and still is. Technically, she wasn't in a sexless marriage, but her husband just wasn't very good so she outsourced and encouraged him to do the same. There are a lot of options out there if you want to stay, but I encourage you to find your bliss.
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Post by ironhamster on May 26, 2022 23:41:48 GMT -5
Clarity is a wonderful thing. Once you know where you are going, it's easier to plot a course.
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