Post by greatcoastal on Apr 17, 2022 7:27:07 GMT -5
medium.com/love-and-other-things/how-to-ask-for-what-you-want-ed9cb937b56a
I’m sitting on a hilltop overlooking the city skyline with my date as we talk about nothing and everything. It’s our first date and things are going well. A chilly breeze wafts by and I shiver.
“Can you just — ” I take his arm and put it around me as I snuggle into his side.
He smiles to himself and pulls me closer.
“What?” I say.
“You ask for what you want. It’s really nice. I like it.”
I frown in confusion. “Do most people not do that?”
My date laughs. “No. No they don’t.”
Asking for what I want wasn’t always in my nature. But now, it’s as natural as breathing. I don’t even think about it.
I’m a far cry from the girl I was just a few years ago — scared to speak up for myself for fear of being left. Now I’m a woman who asks for what I want and is not afraid to voice my needs.
It was a long road to get here. Here’s how you can get better at asking for what you want and communicating your needs.
Start small
You don’t have to jump right into asking for the “big things,” if that is scary to you. You can ease into it. Start by voicing your needs in smaller ways. Say what restaurant you want to go to. Tell your partner you like it when they hold your hand.
Once you get comfortable with sharing the smaller things, you can graduate into bigger things, like saying that you need some alone time or that you need them to be more emotionally available to you.
But it all starts with baby steps.
Let go of the fear
I know, this is easier said than done. If you’re having trouble voicing your needs, it might be because you’re afraid of how the other person will react. What if they say no? What if they don’t want to or cannot do the thing you’re asking?
Accept the fact that this could happen. And if it does happen, know that it doesn’t mean you are wrong for wanting the thing that you want.
Once you accept this is a real possibility, you can plan for it. What will you do if your partner says no? Will you leave? Will you try to find a compromise? Will you find a way to meet the need on your own? Having a plan in place makes it less scary because you’ll know what to do. Taking action beats fear.
Realize there are other ways to meet your needs
Your needs are your needs and no one else gets to pass judgment on that. But they are your needs — you cannot rely on someone else to take care of every single need you have.
If this person can’t do it, it’s your responsibility to make sure your needs are met in some other way — whether that’s doing it yourself, or leaving the relationship and finding someone else who is more compatible with you.
Oftentimes, the things that we want from our partners, we can also do for ourselves. So if you’re single or unattached, you can still meet your romantic needs yourself. Take yourself on a date. Indulge in self-care. Talk nicely to yourself and shower yourself in compliments. Have a healthy inner dialogue. Get a massage. Do activities that make you feel good.
Yeah, it might not be the same as touch or words of affirmation from another person. But the point here is that your needs are valid and you are able to meet them yourself. Once you realize the power is in your hands, it becomes a lot less scary to ask other people for what you want and need. Because if they say no, that’s okay. You can take care of it yourself.
Someone not meeting your needs is not a negative reflection on you
Just because someone else is not willing or able to meet your needs, that is not a negative reflection upon you. That is not a judgment upon you. That is not a rejection of you. So don’t take it that way.
It’s easy to see it as a rejection and take it personally. But it’s not. It’s someone else saying they aren’t able to be what you need them to be, because that’s not who they are. And that’s totally okay.
It’s not your fault that this person is incompatible with you. It’s not your fault that they aren’t able or willing to meet your needs. It’s not anyone’s fault. There is no blame here. We are who we are, and we aren’t compatible with everyone.
Many people appreciate the straightforwardness
A lot of people will like it when you ask for what you want. Because then, they don’t have to guess. They can deliver you exactly what you need (if they are able) and know that you are happy and cared for in the relationship. It means less communication issues and more time building intimacy.
And sometimes, people might not know that you want or need something unless you ask for it. People aren’t mind readers.
Asking for what you want starts with taking ownership of your needs. You are responsible for making sure your needs are met — whether that’s by doing it yourself or asking your partner to help you.
But at the end of the day, it’s up to you to take care of yourself. No one else is going to care more about your wellbeing than you do.
I’m sitting on a hilltop overlooking the city skyline with my date as we talk about nothing and everything. It’s our first date and things are going well. A chilly breeze wafts by and I shiver.
“Can you just — ” I take his arm and put it around me as I snuggle into his side.
He smiles to himself and pulls me closer.
“What?” I say.
“You ask for what you want. It’s really nice. I like it.”
I frown in confusion. “Do most people not do that?”
My date laughs. “No. No they don’t.”
Asking for what I want wasn’t always in my nature. But now, it’s as natural as breathing. I don’t even think about it.
I’m a far cry from the girl I was just a few years ago — scared to speak up for myself for fear of being left. Now I’m a woman who asks for what I want and is not afraid to voice my needs.
It was a long road to get here. Here’s how you can get better at asking for what you want and communicating your needs.
Start small
You don’t have to jump right into asking for the “big things,” if that is scary to you. You can ease into it. Start by voicing your needs in smaller ways. Say what restaurant you want to go to. Tell your partner you like it when they hold your hand.
Once you get comfortable with sharing the smaller things, you can graduate into bigger things, like saying that you need some alone time or that you need them to be more emotionally available to you.
But it all starts with baby steps.
Let go of the fear
I know, this is easier said than done. If you’re having trouble voicing your needs, it might be because you’re afraid of how the other person will react. What if they say no? What if they don’t want to or cannot do the thing you’re asking?
Accept the fact that this could happen. And if it does happen, know that it doesn’t mean you are wrong for wanting the thing that you want.
Once you accept this is a real possibility, you can plan for it. What will you do if your partner says no? Will you leave? Will you try to find a compromise? Will you find a way to meet the need on your own? Having a plan in place makes it less scary because you’ll know what to do. Taking action beats fear.
Realize there are other ways to meet your needs
Your needs are your needs and no one else gets to pass judgment on that. But they are your needs — you cannot rely on someone else to take care of every single need you have.
If this person can’t do it, it’s your responsibility to make sure your needs are met in some other way — whether that’s doing it yourself, or leaving the relationship and finding someone else who is more compatible with you.
Oftentimes, the things that we want from our partners, we can also do for ourselves. So if you’re single or unattached, you can still meet your romantic needs yourself. Take yourself on a date. Indulge in self-care. Talk nicely to yourself and shower yourself in compliments. Have a healthy inner dialogue. Get a massage. Do activities that make you feel good.
Yeah, it might not be the same as touch or words of affirmation from another person. But the point here is that your needs are valid and you are able to meet them yourself. Once you realize the power is in your hands, it becomes a lot less scary to ask other people for what you want and need. Because if they say no, that’s okay. You can take care of it yourself.
Someone not meeting your needs is not a negative reflection on you
Just because someone else is not willing or able to meet your needs, that is not a negative reflection upon you. That is not a judgment upon you. That is not a rejection of you. So don’t take it that way.
It’s easy to see it as a rejection and take it personally. But it’s not. It’s someone else saying they aren’t able to be what you need them to be, because that’s not who they are. And that’s totally okay.
It’s not your fault that this person is incompatible with you. It’s not your fault that they aren’t able or willing to meet your needs. It’s not anyone’s fault. There is no blame here. We are who we are, and we aren’t compatible with everyone.
Many people appreciate the straightforwardness
A lot of people will like it when you ask for what you want. Because then, they don’t have to guess. They can deliver you exactly what you need (if they are able) and know that you are happy and cared for in the relationship. It means less communication issues and more time building intimacy.
And sometimes, people might not know that you want or need something unless you ask for it. People aren’t mind readers.
Asking for what you want starts with taking ownership of your needs. You are responsible for making sure your needs are met — whether that’s by doing it yourself or asking your partner to help you.
But at the end of the day, it’s up to you to take care of yourself. No one else is going to care more about your wellbeing than you do.