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Post by gg19671024 on Jan 27, 2022 7:29:54 GMT -5
Hi,
To introduce myself - 55 years old. Got 3 young (under 10 kids). Wife is 51.
Sexless? yes I guess. Full sex last time prob 2-3 years ago. We do "other" stuff once every 4-5 weeks but that's just for me (without going into detail). Better than nothing I guess.
Been married 30 years - part of the problem I guess.
Wife has long term illness so shes always tired. Menopause too. Me - I guess since we married I've put on probably 100lbs in weight - whereas wife is still the same really.... Not making excuses for her but I guess that doesnt help. We're both busy with work and the kids etc - time alone is part of the problem.
We were planning to go away in the next few months. I raised the issue "special occasion" and she didnt seem keen but sort of agreed when we go away. Anyway, out of the blue, we've arranged a night out this weekend. For her birthday with friends and we get to stay in a nice hotel. Probably a meal and a fair bit of alcohol....
I'm wondering best way to approach this..... I guess some of you will have been in same situation maybe.
Mention it beforehand to see if shes OK with sex when we're away for the night? Might be a bit too "organised" asking in advance, and of course, she won't chill out of "Mom" mode until we go out.
Or see how it goes after a few drinks and hope shes up for it?
For me, it'd be nice to know in advance but thats just me. I just don't want to argue about when we're both had a drink if you know what I mean.
Or alternatively, its her night out for her birthday. She never gets to go out. Am I being unfair even considering it?
Advice please!
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 27, 2022 14:20:50 GMT -5
What about being "away" makes you think either of you will be different and want different things?
A hundred pound gain is enough to drastically change every part of your appearance and lifestyle. I would imagine, from my own struggles and similar age, that this is not a level trajectory and that it is pointed in a direction year over year. You mentioned it, so is it something you want to pay attention to? Are you suggesting that you are concerned that your health, habits, appearance, or condition might be a factor in your wife's apparent level of attraction to you? How does this factor into your upcoming night away?
Would you feel better with a definitive answer on whether your present condition is a factor or not?
If it IS a factor, many of us are surprised eventually to discover that we are suddenly single or in a marriage situation that simply is no longer tenable due to all kinds of surprises that can happen when we are considering our own options. And then you must contend with the AFTER.
If you were to contend with the AFTER, and doing whatever you could to increase your dating prospects and enjoyment, do you think weight and health would be one of them?
My advice to you is the advice I followed myself. I looked at all the positive changes that all my most successful post divorce friends and co-workers did, following their separation. I began implementing what I observed them do, BEFORE I became separated. I sorted myself out. I found male friends and made an effort to see them. I went out and found activities, whether or not my wife attended them with me. I did things that interested ME. I made time for family and I did not concern myself whether my wife would choose to attend. I made health and fitness a priority. I read about men's fashion for my age and upgraded my wardrobe. I put together Pinterest boards curating pictures of various aspirational skills, tips, dwellings, decor, clothes styles, hobbies etc that I wanted in my life and began noticing them and opportunities in life to swim toward them.
As a result, I became a more interesting person and I enjoyed my life much more. It did not save my marriage, but it did give me a headstart in the separation and helped offset the negatives to some degree.
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Post by baza on Jan 27, 2022 18:26:25 GMT -5
The stated aim of this outing is "... a night out this weekend. For her birthday with friends and we get to stay in a nice hotel. Probably a meal and a fair bit of alcohol...."
It is probably smart not to ascribe any greater significance to this outing.
Hope you have a pleasant evening.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 27, 2022 21:18:23 GMT -5
Agreed, baza. This is HER birthday, and her evening. Let her do as she wants, accommodate her, and don't expect any more. There will be other times where you can and should challenge the status quo. I remember my last anniversary before separating with my wife. We had a delightful dinner at our favorite restaurant, and a nice walk along the water front, then went back home where I was summarily ignored. At this point, we had already had "the talk" and it had fallen on deaf ears, and I was already distancing myself for lack of hope. So, my STBX absorbed herself in whatever trivial pursuit there was that wasn't me, and in response I went to my shop and chatted with a woman I had met online. I suppose it was a good night for all three of us. I hope your night away goes at least as well if not better.
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Post by gg19671024 on Jan 28, 2022 4:13:33 GMT -5
What about being "away" makes you think either of you will be different and want different things? A hundred pound gain is enough to drastically change every part of your appearance and lifestyle. I would imagine, from my own struggles and similar age, that this is not a level trajectory and that it is pointed in a direction year over year. You mentioned it, so is it something you want to pay attention to? Are you suggesting that you are concerned that your health, habits, appearance, or condition might be a factor in your wife's apparent level of attraction to you? How does this factor into your upcoming night away? Would you feel better with a definitive answer on whether your present condition is a factor or not? If it IS a factor, many of us are surprised eventually to discover that we are suddenly single or in a marriage situation that simply is no longer tenable due to all kinds of surprises that can happen when we are considering our own options. And then you must contend with the AFTER. If you were to contend with the AFTER, and doing whatever you could to increase your dating prospects and enjoyment, do you think weight and health would be one of them? My advice to you is the advice I followed myself. I looked at all the positive changes that all my most successful post divorce friends and co-workers did, following their separation. I began implementing what I observed them do, BEFORE I became separated. I sorted myself out. I found male friends and made an effort to see them. I went out and found activities, whether or not my wife attended them with me. I did things that interested ME. I made time for family and I did not concern myself whether my wife would choose to attend. I made health and fitness a priority. I read about men's fashion for my age and upgraded my wardrobe. I put together Pinterest boards curating pictures of various aspirational skills, tips, dwellings, decor, clothes styles, hobbies etc that I wanted in my life and began noticing them and opportunities in life to swim toward them. As a result, I became a more interesting person and I enjoyed my life much more. It did not save my marriage, but it did give me a headstart in the separation and helped offset the negatives to some degree.
Present condition I guess IS a big factor. This is what you're going to say? Yeh I know it.
Know what you mean. Often thought about that - what would I do now IF I was single? Yep I'd pretty much have to lose a lot of weight.....
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Post by gg19671024 on Jan 28, 2022 4:14:08 GMT -5
The stated aim of this outing is "... a night out this weekend. For her birthday with friends and we get to stay in a nice hotel. Probably a meal and a fair bit of alcohol...." It is probably smart not to ascribe any greater significance to this outing. Hope you have a pleasant evening.
Yeh I've had a think about it and yes I can see your point....
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Post by gg19671024 on Jan 28, 2022 4:15:15 GMT -5
Agreed, baza . This is HER birthday, and her evening. Let her do as she wants, accommodate her, and don't expect any more. There will be other times where you can and should challenge the status quo. I remember my last anniversary before separating with my wife. We had a delightful dinner at our favorite restaurant, and a nice walk along the water front, then went back home where I was summarily ignored. At this point, we had already had "the talk" and it had fallen on deaf ears, and I was already distancing myself for lack of hope. So, my STBX absorbed herself in whatever trivial pursuit there was that wasn't me, and in response I went to my shop and chatted with a woman I had met online. I suppose it was a good night for all three of us. I hope your night away goes at least as well if not better.
Yeh I was thinking of discussing in advance but I think that might be a mistake to be honest... Puts a bit of pressure....
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 28, 2022 11:38:28 GMT -5
"I guess since we married I've put on probably 100lbs in weight - whereas wife is still the same really.... Not making excuses for her but I guess that doesnt help."
I would not be interested in sex if my partner gained 100 pounds. I would not even like myself if I gained 100 pounds. Whether or not your weight is the reason for your wife's sexual indifference, if you care about yourself and your health, it needs to be addressed.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 28, 2022 16:19:18 GMT -5
Present condition I guess IS a big factor. This is what you're going to say? Yeh I know it.
Know what you mean. Often thought about that - what would I do now IF I was single? Yep I'd pretty much have to lose a lot of weight... Yes, you likely would. You'd probably make the effort to do it for the off-chance that it might raise your attractiveness toward someone who is (at the time of meeting) a total stranger. But, you aren't doing that now for someone who is your wife, or for yourself, for that matter, when you are observing the absence of sex and realizing it threatens the marriage. There was a period in the death throes of my marriage where we opened the marriage and dated other people. One thing I noticed when I was out with someone who I knew less than my wife, was that I was different when I was out. I was trying harder. I was likely presenting a better version of myself - the version I wished my wife would see. I learned from that and adjusted my OWN behavior at home and when attempting to interact with my wife, to match the way I was when I was out, because I felt she and WE deserved to have whatever that was in our own relationship, and it seemed wrong to save only for other people. I'm not sure what platform to stand on, in observing the absence of sex in a relationship and the importance of that, if I myself am not willing to acknowledge the importance of health and physical appearance in attraction. AT LEAST - that's something a person could have control over to a degree.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 28, 2022 20:56:46 GMT -5
"I guess since we married I've put on probably 100lbs in weight - whereas wife is still the same really.... Not making excuses for her but I guess that doesnt help." I would not be interested in sex if my partner gained 100 pounds. I would not even like myself if I gained 100 pounds. Whether or not your weight is the reason for your wife's sexual indifference, if you care about yourself and your health, it needs to be addressed. Yeah. A hundred pounds is a lot, even on a man's frame. I know one woman who complained about her boyfriend's weight gain, because his increasing belly prevented her from riding him the way she wanted. Does she ever say anything about the weight, or is she predispositioned to "stuff it" when she has a problem?
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Post by saarinista on Jan 30, 2022 20:44:04 GMT -5
I suggest everyone walk and try to stay at least somewhat fit. That's likely even more important for those of us in sexless marriages than for others.
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Post by gg19671024 on Jan 31, 2022 6:38:50 GMT -5
"I guess since we married I've put on probably 100lbs in weight - whereas wife is still the same really.... Not making excuses for her but I guess that doesnt help." I would not be interested in sex if my partner gained 100 pounds. I would not even like myself if I gained 100 pounds. Whether or not your weight is the reason for your wife's sexual indifference, if you care about yourself and your health, it needs to be addressed. Yeah. A hundred pounds is a lot, even on a man's frame. I know one woman who complained about her boyfriend's weight gain, because his increasing belly prevented her from riding him the way she wanted. Does she ever say anything about the weight, or is she predispositioned to "stuff it" when she has a problem?
To be fair, she has tried to get me to be more healthy for years so I hold my hands up for that - my fault.
Yeh the belly is there so I can somewhat see her point.....
Started running recently. Doing a fitness progamme called "couch to 5k". Not sure if the US has it - im in the uk. Its pretty basic - jeez I couldnt even run - im on week 3 so far and its helping my fitness a lot.
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Post by gg19671024 on Jan 31, 2022 6:43:25 GMT -5
Well bit of an update.... Went a bit better than expected. I took the advice and didn't make a big thing or anything.
BUT, first time in about 2 years, the deed was done. She was OK about it. It was probably the worse sex ever but hey ho. Wife wasnt really into it THAT much but this was better than last time. More of a non-fussed either way to be honest, but yes ok if you want we'll go for it. Sort of made me pleased that, yeh she doesn't fancy me because of the weight but she was still willing to try etc.
She did look really hot as well....
Still huge problems but hey its something I guess. I think I really need to stick with the fitness and weight loss - there may be light at the end of the tunnel here. Can't see us EVER EVER having sex like 2-3 times a week but we'll see if we can get it down to a lot less that yearly.....
Fingers crossed for me guys....
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 31, 2022 12:08:26 GMT -5
It was probably the worse sex ever but hey ho. [...] yes ok if you want we'll go for it. In my own marriage, these two things became much more obvious in hindsight, and nearly invisible when I was in it: 1. The sex we had was bad. She often made sure of that. Examples - I'd try things that I knew she liked before, but she'd abruptly grab and move my hand or stop me - stick to basics. Try to rush me through to get to the end. Or worst, cover her own eyes with her arm or pillow even when I wasn't getting the hint. Or try to pop my clutch early on rather than prolong things. 2. She always made sure that I knew she was doing it for me or the marriage, but that she could take or leave it. "Yes ok if you want to". In my post marriage, I've been ambivalent a few times having sex - like really ambivalent - with a partner who I really likely didn't want to have sex with but she did and if we didn't at that point, it would likely close a door I wanted open still. I STILL didn't ever say "if you want to". To say that takes an act of gumption - it makes a statement. Again, those patterns were consistent in my marriage, always there - and I noticed their significance more when it was over.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 4, 2022 15:00:33 GMT -5
In my M, the sex that did occur over the years was bad, like 96.5% of the time bad, and 100% of the time I know she would have avoided it if it had been all the same. Still, if she had ever said "if you want to", I would have entered a new level of despair. You'd get better sex from a couch cushion.
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