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Post by bertie1471 on Jan 16, 2022 14:48:00 GMT -5
Still pretty much the same.... Possibly worse due to menopause etc now. Hey ho.
We're going away shortly for our wedding anniv. Not sure yet whether to bring it up in advance or see how it all goes at the time? Stressful indeed. Not sure how to approach this yet?
Been doing a bit of research and SM seems very common these days. Just my luck.... Been looking into attitudes etc and think my wife deffo falls into the old "can't be bothered" camp.
On the plus side, we do still have "some" sexual acts. Not brilliant. And she can't really be bothered but its better than nothing. And I guess more than a lot of people get. Sad but maybe I'm resigned to this.....
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Post by baza on Jan 16, 2022 17:57:33 GMT -5
G'day Brother bertie1471 . Looks like you are coming up 4 years since joining the ILIASM group. To the best of my knowledge there has been no discovery of a brand new method of fixing an ILIASM deal, nor have any new options emerged over the period either. Your options remain the same as they were 4 years ago - stay, cheat or leave. As a single issue (the upcoming anniversary) keep your expectations low - real low - would be my suggestion. You appear to be getting stressed about it, I would bet good money that your missus is likewise getting stressed about it too and I reckon that this additional stress (over and above the ordinary stresses endemic in an ILIASM deal) actually make it less likely that there'll be sex happening. Anyway, welcome back Brother bertie1471 .
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 16, 2022 22:46:21 GMT -5
If you resign yourself to your situation, you will stay in your situation. Your wife is comfortable with her lack of sex, so she isn't going to make a move to change things.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 17, 2022 6:39:18 GMT -5
...On the plus side, we do still have "some" sexual acts. Not brilliant. And she can't really be bothered but its better than nothing. And I guess more than a lot of people get. Sad but maybe I'm resigned to this..... Where do things fall short? The fairly ubiquitous definition of "sexless marriage" is fewer than ten times a year (Some say 10 also qualifies.), but getting 11 is hardly cause for celebration, so ILIASM should be a place for the disappointed to vent. Twice a month can be rough for some folk. Is it more than ten times but the enthusiasm is wanting? Starfish/pity/duty sex? Sexual acts makes me think it's non-PIV and you're missing "the main event"?
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Post by bertie1471 on Jan 27, 2022 11:06:58 GMT -5
...On the plus side, we do still have "some" sexual acts. Not brilliant. And she can't really be bothered but its better than nothing. And I guess more than a lot of people get. Sad but maybe I'm resigned to this..... Where do things fall short? The fairly ubiquitous definition of "sexless marriage" is fewer than ten times a year (Some say 10 also qualifies.), but getting 11 is hardly cause for celebration, so ILIASM should be a place for the disappointed to vent. Twice a month can be rough for some folk. Is it more than ten times but the enthusiasm is wanting? Starfish/pity/duty sex? Sexual acts makes me think it's non-PIV and you're missing "the main event"?
Mirrorchild - Correct. Non-PIV.... And that prob 10 times a year max.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 27, 2022 14:16:31 GMT -5
On the plus side, we do still have "some" sexual acts. Not brilliant. And she can't really be bothered but its better than nothing. And I guess more than a lot of people get. Sad but maybe I'm resigned to this.....
One of the few things our family counsellor pointed out that I valued: people often talk about the amount but less about the quality or character of the sex. What it means when you do it. If it was strictly gratification, well - you can do that yourself. So it's more than that - it's that your presence and participation in it - MATTERS. Stay with me for a minute - don't write this off. I don't mean some checklist of acts and variety - I mean something deeper. Ever go to a restaurant or retail store and get served by someone who really, obviously - did not take joy in it, and did not want to be there? No actual interest in your presence and participation. Maybe slaps the bowl on your table and runs off, seems reluctant to bother with you? You don't feel WELCOME there. Maybe you feel hurt and resentful of it - after all - all you did was show up to the open establishment, and you get treated like you interrupted whatever this person was about. It's possible and likely that you can have all kinds of sex - that your partner may acquiesce to it with you if it shuts you up. My ex-wife was careful with her words (with me) to not lie to me - at least about her desire to have sex with me. She said, "I think it would likely be better if we did" rather than "get your clothes off, I want you" She got pretty skilled at going through with it to a minimal degree, within her defined parameters, times, acts, disqualifications and framing language - to ensure that it was as clear as she could make it to me without actually saying it - that she didn't WANT it with me - that she didn't WANT ME (and she did have an affair, eventually, so it was just me). That's a pattern I see undergirding most of us here in our journeys, fixing on one thing - the amount of sex - rather than widening the lens to encompass a whole pattern of behavior of which sexual aversion is one symptom. When people have enjoyable sex, it's a factor of the sex itself, but also the WANTING of the sex with you. It's pretty easy to demonstrate through the way one goes through with having sex, a lack of desire or even contempt for the person you are having sex with.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 28, 2022 6:30:07 GMT -5
Where do things fall short? ..."Sexual acts" makes me think it's non-PIV and you're missing "the main event"?
Mirrorchild - Correct. Non-PIV.... And that prob 10 times a year max.
Apocrypha handled my followup about enthusiasm superbly. Love the restaurant analogy. Refusers may well see it as very apt. To flesh it out further, they are shareholders at your restaurant, so they come in, sit by the window, sip their glass of ice water, and read Pinterest on their cell phone to make the restaurant look like it's doing well for passersby to admire. You keep offering to bring them food, but they're annoyed at your interruptions. They may well long to dine at other restaurants, or really tuck in if your restaurant closes and you'll wonder what was wrong with your food, only to find your next restaurant, serving the same food does a booming business. You end up baffled. Did the anniversary come and go? (another thread mused upon how commonly refusers commonly do not celebrate holidays with sex) PIV avoidance sounds like it may be medical. I suppose there's been talk of fixing it? Reminders are not met well? As Apocrypha says, are the "acts" provided with an air of "going through the motions"? If non-PIV is eventually going to end things, it may be only fair to give fair warning. It must be fixed or outsourcing is going to happen with a generous deadline to allow for medical interventions to work. (or perhaps legit effort will assuage your convictions). If outsourcing will directly cause divorce, are you up for that? Baza's usual advice applies. Check with a lawyer to find out likely consequences if you decide to make your push into shove.
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