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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 20, 2021 5:51:16 GMT -5
Today is two years since we had sex that one time in the last 4+ years. I am sad, angry, lonely, horny…all the feels. I can feel you. I haven't had sex with my husband in over a decade, maybe 15 years? Talk about pathetic. I have zero intimate feelings for him at this point. After 28 years of marriage, we are coparents and roommates. ... I was unfaithful. He found out. It was then I thought I would finally be free of this marriage. I wanted a divorce and we both retained attorneys. (This took several years to do.). We have three children (18, 14, 9) and there are some special needs with our kids. The fear of what this would do to my kids held me back, along with the fear of being alone (I struggle with anxiety disorder and his presence in the home gives me a sense of safety). He's also not a bad person. He is a good father, he supported us, helped out my family through the years, is a hard worker...yet, he's emotionally unavailable and has had no sexual desire for me for many, many years. I asked in iliasm.org/post/140401: Why is a FWB out of the question? Never got an answer. Not that I'm entitled to one, but a FWB might be a less problematic answer than a split given your concern about the kids' needs. One sought with spousal knowledge (not necessarily consent, though it would be nice and arguably decent of him) to remove the trust/honor/shame issue. Religious? Societal / family condemnation being worse than that from divorce? All legit. Just making sure the option is being dismissed, and not just missed.
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Post by movingforward on Dec 27, 2021 22:03:20 GMT -5
I am so glad I found this forum. I empathize ggold and seashells. The biggest thing from me after 25 years is her lack of willingness to work on anything for the marriage or for herself. You start out sad, then angry. It is the most unloving thing they can do, maybe worse than hurting you, at least that would be some effort on their part. So hard with kids involved. Thank you for sharing, it helps to not feel so alone.
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 28, 2021 11:53:31 GMT -5
I am so glad I found this forum. I empathize ggold and seashells. The biggest thing from me after 25 years is her lack of willingness to work on anything for the marriage or for herself. You start out sad, then angry. It is the most unloving thing they can do, maybe worse than hurting you, at least that would be some effort on their part. So hard with kids involved. Thank you for sharing, it helps to not feel so alone. It can be difficult to understand the motivation of someone who won't put in effort to restore or buttress an important relationship on which many things depend. It's much easier to understand when you consider why someone makes an effort to do anything. The assumption - at least MY assumption - was that the implicit goal was to have the relationship. Once I considered that her goal might have been to endure or survive a relationship or relationship format that she did not want with me - I understood her behaviour and choices much better. Maybe even better than she did.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Dec 30, 2021 4:31:00 GMT -5
Seashells, I can relate to your statement: I’m done, but still working up the courage to leave. I am still working up my courage.... I been married for 26 years. I still hope to find my way out but as time passes... it only gets harder.
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Post by ggold on Jan 26, 2022 19:55:23 GMT -5
I can feel you. I haven't had sex with my husband in over a decade, maybe 15 years? Talk about pathetic. I have zero intimate feelings for him at this point. After 28 years of marriage, we are coparents and roommates. ... I was unfaithful. He found out. It was then I thought I would finally be free of this marriage. I wanted a divorce and we both retained attorneys. (This took several years to do.). We have three children (18, 14, 9) and there are some special needs with our kids. The fear of what this would do to my kids held me back, along with the fear of being alone (I struggle with anxiety disorder and his presence in the home gives me a sense of safety). He's also not a bad person. He is a good father, he supported us, helped out my family through the years, is a hard worker...yet, he's emotionally unavailable and has had no sexual desire for me for many, many years. I asked in iliasm.org/post/140401: Why is a FWB out of the question? Never got an answer. Not that I'm entitled to one, but a FWB might be a less problematic answer than a split given your concern about the kids' needs. One sought with spousal knowledge (not necessarily consent, though it would be nice and arguably decent of him) to remove the trust/honor/shame issue. Religious? Societal / family condemnation being worse than that from divorce? All legit. Just making sure the option is being dismissed, and not just missed. I had a few experiences. It’s not something I want to try again at this point. I have to face the true issue and that is to separate from my husband. The experiences I engaged in caused me too much anxiety and heartache.
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Post by ggold on Jan 26, 2022 22:07:59 GMT -5
Seashells, I can relate to your statement: I’m done, but still working up the courage to leave. I am still working up my courage.... I been married for 26 years. I still hope to find my way out but as time passes... it only gets harder. Same with me. It’s now 28 years. 😢
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 27, 2022 3:37:24 GMT -5
Seashells, I can relate to your statement: I’m done, but still working up the courage to leave. I am still working up my courage.... I been married for 26 years. I still hope to find my way out but as time passes... it only gets harder. Same with me. It’s now 28 years. 😢 We spend a lot of time thinking what's wrong with us in terms of why weren't we good enough for the relationship but really now I think what's wrong with us for not thinking that it is the right decision to change?
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