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Post by seashells on Dec 12, 2021 16:21:31 GMT -5
Today is two years since we had sex that one time in the last 4+ years.
I am sad, angry, lonely, horny…all the feels.
But I also find it quite laughable. It’s utterly ridiculous! Basically NO SEX for over 4 years!!!! WTF am I doing here?!?!? What a fucking joke my life/my marriage has become.
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 12, 2021 18:07:31 GMT -5
hello seashells and welcome to the forum....1st of all don't be too hard on yourself. there are numerous members here who have been in SM's for far, far longer then 4 yrs. some have endured it for decades and have no plans to do anything different going forward. you don't state your age or how long the marriage hass lasted . that would be good for us to know. yor 1st post is mostly a rant, and that's OK. venting can be good, as can anger. anger can prod you into action. your 1st decision after this post might well be what willl you do with all the anger. I suggest useing it as a catalist to start making some changes, changes in yourself and maybe changess in how you live your life and marriage going forward.....
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Post by seashells on Dec 13, 2021 0:39:09 GMT -5
hello seashells and welcome to the forum....1st of all don't be too hard on yourself. there are numerous members here who have been in SM's for far, far longer then 4 yrs. some have endured it for decades and have no plans to do anything different going forward. you don't state your age or how long the marriage hass lasted . that would be good for us to know. yor 1st post is mostly a rant, and that's OK. venting can be good, as can anger. anger can prod you into action. your 1st decision after this post might well be what willl you do with all the anger. I suggest useing it as a catalist to start making some changes, changes in yourself and maybe changess in how you live your life and marriage going forward..... Thanks for your reply worksforme2This actually isn’t my first post here. I’m not overly active but I told my story way back in March and have posted a couple of times since then. Anyway, yes you’re right I’m full of anger. I am working on making changes in myself. But it’s a two way street, and my marriage won’t change if I’m the only one doing any work. That’s been the long, ongoing story of our marriage. I’m so over it. I’m done, but still working up the courage to leave.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 13, 2021 4:11:47 GMT -5
hello seashells and welcome to the forum....1st of all don't be too hard on yourself. there are numerous members here who have been in SM's for far, far longer then 4 yrs. some have endured it for decades and have no plans to do anything different going forward. you don't state your age or how long the marriage hass lasted . that would be good for us to know. yor 1st post is mostly a rant, and that's OK. venting can be good, as can anger. anger can prod you into action. your 1st decision after this post might well be what willl you do with all the anger. I suggest useing it as a catalist to start making some changes, changes in yourself and maybe changess in how you live your life and marriage going forward..... Thanks for your reply worksforme2This actually isn’t my first post here. I’m not overly active but I told my story way back in March and have posted a couple of times since then. Anyway, yes you’re right I’m full of anger. I am working on making changes in myself. But it’s a two way street, and my marriage won’t change if I’m the only one doing any work. That’s been the long, ongoing story of our marriage. I’m so over it. I’m done, but still working up the courage to leave. Welcome to the forum. I think you are on the right track. From what I have seen, after two years, the odds of repairing a marriage into one that is sexually fulfilling is zero, or, so close to zero that it might as well be zero. You are well past that threshold. It took me a lot longer than you to recognize the futility of perseverance, but, once I gave up I felt a lot better. I hope you do, too.
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 13, 2021 7:16:07 GMT -5
This actually isn’t my first post here. I’m not overly active but I told my story way back in March... Anyway, yes you’re right I’m full of anger. I am working on making changes in myself. But it’s a two way street, and my marriage won’t change if I’m the only one doing any work. For everyone's reference. Here's her introduction post: iliasm.org/post/137312I'd like to point out that making changes in yourself often changes the marriage. Taking action towards relieving your condition through divorce, redirection, or polyandry will give you a sense of progress that can do wonders for your life dissatisfaction and mood. I speak from personal experience. My wife did nothing until I had my finger in the pin of the hand grenade. All the preparation towards putting my finger in the pin was cathartic.
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 13, 2021 9:31:12 GMT -5
I went back and read your posts and story. I didn't remember the delayed ejackulation you had mentioned. You speculate it is possibly because of his masterbating technique. If that is so I will suggest something. I don't know how you view anal sex but a woman's back door is generally much tighter than her vigina, thus the need for plenty of lubricant. I found when I had difficulty cumming in a vigina, if my partner was willing I could cum in her rear in a relatvely reasonable time, say 15 minutes. For him to know ejactulating in your rear is probably going to happen it might be just the thing to get him interesteed again. 1st a good long session of PIV for you and then some back door for him.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 13, 2021 10:46:47 GMT -5
I don't see delayed ejaculation as a real issue. I had the opposite problem, but learned edging techniques that got me up to speed just fine. Some of the best sex I have had has been orgasm free.
The lack of interest on the part of her husband, though, is unforgivable. It doesn't matter what techniques he uses. If he's going into it as duty sex, it's going to be a shitty experience.
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Post by seashells on Dec 13, 2021 11:13:48 GMT -5
Thanks for your reply worksforme2 This actually isn’t my first post here. I’m not overly active but I told my story way back in March and have posted a couple of times since then. Anyway, yes you’re right I’m full of anger. I am working on making changes in myself. But it’s a two way street, and my marriage won’t change if I’m the only one doing any work. That’s been the long, ongoing story of our marriage. I’m so over it. I’m done, but still working up the courage to leave. Welcome to the forum. I think you are on the right track. From what I have seen, after two years, the odds of repairing a marriage into one that is sexually fulfilling is zero, or, so close to zero that it might as well be zero. You are well past that threshold. It took me a lot longer than you to recognize the futility of perseverance, but, once I gave up I felt a lot better. I hope you do, too. Thanks for your response ironhamster I agree that the odds are zero, especially considering we’ve had the definition of a dead bedroom for the entirety of our 15+ year relationship. Prior to the last 4 years of non-existent sex we had sex very rarely, definitely less than 10 times a year. 🤦🏻♀️
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Post by seashells on Dec 13, 2021 11:21:19 GMT -5
mirrororchid thanks for your response. Unfortunately, I’ve mentioned my desire to separate a few times over the last two years, but nothing changes because I don’t follow through and I guess my husband doesn’t take me seriously when I say I want to leave. The threat of divorce or losing me has never encouraged him to deal with his issues or make changes or anything. He is the champion of putting his head in the sand! Quite frankly, my leaving would only be partly about the lack of sex. Really what breaks my heart is the lack of caring/ not giving a shit. If he’d been willing to compromise or work on things in the past I would have welcomed that with open arms. But years of feeling unheard, unseen, rejected and unloved has made my heart harden towards him.
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Post by seashells on Dec 13, 2021 11:25:36 GMT -5
I went back and read your posts and story. I didn't remember the delayed ejackulation you had mentioned. You speculate it is possibly because of his masterbating technique. If that is so I will suggest something. I don't know how you view anal sex but a woman's back door is generally much tighter than her vigina, thus the need for plenty of lubricant. I found when I had difficulty cumming in a vigina, if my partner was willing I could cum in her rear in a relatvely reasonable time, say 15 minutes. For him to know ejactulating in your rear is probably going to happen it might be just the thing to get him interesteed again. 1st a good long session of PIV for you and then some back door for him. All I can do is speculate on the cause of his DE. He refuses to talk about it, see a doctor or therapist, read books or do any work on himself whatsoever. Even if I was willing to do anal sex (which I’m not, it is of no interest to me) we are so far past me doing anything that would help him.
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Post by seashells on Dec 13, 2021 11:32:40 GMT -5
I don't see delayed ejaculation as a real issue. I had the opposite problem, but learned edging techniques that got me up to speed just fine. Some of the best sex I have had has been orgasm free. The lack of interest on the part of her husband, though, is unforgivable. It doesn't matter what techniques he uses. If he's going into it as duty sex, it's going to be a shitty experience. Yes that’s it ironhamster - years of lack of interest has taken its toll on me. And I can’t forgive him for always burying his head in the sand and ignoring the issue and my needs. He’s never engaged in duty sex with me. Or, actually, now I think about it…that last time two years ago felt like he wasn’t very into the experience or present in the moment. It’s why I gave up initiating after that. Having sex with a man who doesn’t want to feels rapey to me. I don’t want that. And when I don’t initiate we don’t have sex. Simple fact. Clearly, he has no need or desire for sex with me. He’s managed to get through the last two years without any problem! 🤷🏻♀️ While I’m here going crazy from horniness!
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 13, 2021 11:42:01 GMT -5
I don't see delayed ejaculation as a real issue. I had the opposite problem, but learned edging techniques that got me up to speed just fine. Some of the best sex I have had has been orgasm free. The lack of interest on the part of her husband, though, is unforgivable. It doesn't matter what techniques he uses. If he's going into it as duty sex, it's going to be a shitty experience. Yes that’s it ironhamster - years of lack of interest has taken its toll on me. And I can’t forgive him for always burying his head in the sand and ignoring the issue and my needs. He’s never engaged in duty sex with me. Or, actually, now I think about it…that last time two years ago felt like he wasn’t very into the experience or present in the moment. It’s why I gave up initiating after that. Having sex with a man who doesn’t want to feels rapey to me. I don’t want that. And when I don’t initiate we don’t have sex. Simple fact. Clearly, he has no need or desire for sex with me. He’s managed to get through the last two years without any problem! 🤷🏻♀️ While I’m here going crazy from horniness! I think it's time to get a lawyer and find out how things will shake out for you by ending this charade. If you choose to outsource before divorcing, the laws vary widely state to state on how that will affect you. Put your focus on your future, and let the frustration of the past and present motivate you to a better tomorrow. There's more love and great sex out there than you can possibly imagine.
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Post by seashells on Dec 13, 2021 12:02:38 GMT -5
Thanks ironhamster I’m in the UK, so things are a bit different here. I have read up on separation and divorce. Mostly, you work it out between the two of you (finances, child custody etc) but if you both can not agree you get a solicitor or mediator involved. You must be separated for two years before you can be granted a no fault divorce. Good to hear there is more love & sex out there. I certainly hope so!!
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 13, 2021 14:49:30 GMT -5
I went back and read your posts and story. I didn't remember the delayed ejackulation you had mentioned. You speculate it is possibly because of his masterbating technique. If that is so I will suggest something. I don't know how you view anal sex but a woman's back door is generally much tighter than her vigina, thus the need for plenty of lubricant. I found when I had difficulty cumming in a vigina, if my partner was willing I could cum in her rear in a relatvely reasonable time, say 15 minutes. For him to know ejactulating in your rear is probably going to happen it might be just the thing to get him interesteed again. 1st a good long session of PIV for you and then some back door for him. All I can do is speculate on the cause of his DE. He refuses to talk about it, see a doctor or therapist, read books or do any work on himself whatsoever. Even if I was willing to do anal sex (which I’m not, it is of no interest to me) we are so far past me doing anything that would help him. If he takes this attitude then it reads like the marriage isn't very high on his priority list. Sorry to see that as it greatly limits your options for improving the situation. Reading your reply to ironhamster it sounds like the divorce laws there are as antiquated as they are in some states here. And yes there is lots more love and sex out there if you want it.
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Post by ggold on Dec 19, 2021 0:44:49 GMT -5
Today is two years since we had sex that one time in the last 4+ years. I am sad, angry, lonely, horny…all the feels. But I also find it quite laughable. It’s utterly ridiculous! Basically NO SEX for over 4 years!!!! WTF am I doing here?!?!? What a fucking joke my life/my marriage has become. I can feel you. I haven't had sex with my husband in over a decade, maybe 15 years? Talk about pathetic. I have zero intimate feelings for him at this point. After 28 years of marriage, we are coparents and roommates. Why am I still here? In 2016, I lost it. I was unfaithful. He found out. It was then I thought I would finally be free of this marriage. I wanted a divorce and we both retained attorneys. (This took several years to do.). We have three children (18, 14, 9) and there are some special needs with our kids. The fear of what this would do to my kids held me back, along with the fear of being alone (I struggle with anxiety disorder and his presence in the home gives me a sense of safety). He's also not a bad person. He is a good father, he supported us, helped out my family through the years, is a hard worker...yet, he's emotionally unavailable and has had no sexual desire for me for many, many years. I was able to secure a full-time job teaching after working for 15 years half time. I got my own benefits and thought I was on my way. We had a four way meeting scheduled with our attorneys to discuss our agreement. Then, the pandemic hit. My anxiety was sky high, I wasn't able to function well, I was trying to stay strong for my kids, I was teaching online, worried about everything. There was no way I was able to go through with the divorce at that time. So, we decided to postpone. Well, it's now almost 2022. I reached out to the attorney's office recently to schedule a meeting of what I need to do to continue the process. I have to follow through since I have not heard back. I made a vow to myself that I would not reach our 29th wedding anniversary. I am praying I can get the courage to leave this marriage. I have been hard on myself. I have good days and bad days and everything in between. I just want to say you are not alone and are in a safe place in this community.
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