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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 6, 2021 20:14:36 GMT -5
I never thought I'd be actually starting a thread in this section of the forum, but here I am. No doubt I have way, way too much time on my hands too early on to think...and think. But for the next couple weeks I'll have a plethora of time to work through my head. Surely (hopefully) I will put some of the time to good use, and surely I'll piss away a sizable fraction of it hand-wringing. I'll have time to consider things like how high I have set the bar for intimacy now, in the blink of an eye. I knew it before my SM was over, but now that I am out, I'm almost downright defensive in my stance...toward nobody yet.
So many questions to consider...and this is even removing actually meeting someone from the equation. Assume I meet someone who hasn't had their soul sucked dry in a SM, someone who has light in their eyes and a zest for sex, no apprehension. What is appropriate then, when the time comes? I don't dare to beat around the bush, do I? Take it slow, organically, let the chips fall where they may? Not sure I want to do that. Not sure my cosmic clock will allow that after 16 + years.
But what is the alternative? "Look, let's get right to the physical shit and forego introduction...times a-wastin'!" No, that isn't it, either. Would I want to disclose my history? What would that serve, except to suggest I might be carrying more luggage than a carry-on. On the other hand, why would I omit such a large and sad part of my past, especially when it would probably help to explain some of my apprehension, if there remains any. In bed is probably a bad time to spring the "sorry; I came from a long relationship with no sex and now I'm timid...you sure you really want to have sex?" That's a mood-killer extraordinaire.
And then there is my line in the sand, my concrete and my no compromising. I'm not giving an inch from what I want. Not ever again. Ne exceptions. That includes some of the stupid fantasies that I credit my SM with creating, which I now pursue with some unexplainable fascination and determination--and believe you me, that will bring with it its own issues, and will require a separate thread to sift through the logistics of that shit. Do you add that in the personal? Must like nature, cats, and bonking at the drop of a hat because I used to not get any. It's like high school all over again: I never got laid, took it personally, and graduated like a bat out of hell on a quest only to get laid--my future could come after I did.
Bottom line is, I think have somehow become a sex snob, and I feel like a poodle nipping at the heels of a titan typing that. Am I really, or am I bluffing?
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Post by baza on Oct 6, 2021 22:49:05 GMT -5
I've just got an observation about "disclosing your history" Brother deadzone75 . At the 'friends' part of Ms enna / baz deal we had both revealed much - not all - of our respective sexual histories (and attitudes to various other beliefs we had about other important issues in life) So my experience was a bit different than a 'dating' scenario. As such, my observation may be useless to you, but I offer it up in good faith. You come across like a good bloke Brother, and I figure that in a dating situation that will come across to the other person(s). But how much of your background you might divulge these other person(s) will probably vary. With one person you might divulge quite a lot. With another you might not divulge much at all. I don't think there are "rules" in this regard, not ones that "fit all" anyway. You might find this person very easy to talk to, and mebbe that influences how much of your back story you reveal. Or this one might be a bit wary which might lead you to not giving up as much. Anyway, I reckon you are smart enough to be able to think on your feet, and divulge the *appropriate* back story as seems right in the moment. |
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Post by sadkat on Oct 6, 2021 23:14:55 GMT -5
deadzone75- You are finally out and on your own? I’m happy for you, although I know you are likely feeling anything but happy at this moment. I know happiness was not high on my list of “feelings” when I first got out. But, it will definitely come. You have opened the door and walked through! You have now given yourself that chance to find happiness again. I need to think about this sex snob thing. And it’s late. I’ll be back later with more. For now, I just wanted to take a moment to offer support as you venture off on your new life journey.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 6, 2021 23:25:43 GMT -5
deadzone75 - You are finally out and on your own? I’m happy for you, although I know you are likely feeling anything but happy at this moment. I know happiness was not high on my list of “feelings” when I first got out. But, it will definitely come. You have opened the door and walked through! You have now given yourself that chance to find happiness again. I need to think about this sex snob thing. And it’s late. I’ll be back later with more. For now, I just wanted to take a moment to offer support as you venture off on your new life journey. Thank you. Yes, I'm crawling out of my skin, but I 'd be lying if I didn't say there is a pang of excitement in me as well, just no idea what to do with it or how to manifest it. Hope, finally. And panic...lots of it.  Yes, it is late, and my medication is pushing me toward sleep. I'll be back later as well. Have a good night! |
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 6, 2021 23:29:23 GMT -5
I've just got an observation about "disclosing your history" Brother deadzone75 . At the 'friends' part of Ms enna / baz deal we had both revealed much - not all - of our respective sexual histories (and attitudes to various other beliefs we had about other important issues in life) So my experience was a bit different than a 'dating' scenario. As such, my observation may be useless to you, but I offer it up in good faith. You come across like a good bloke Brother, and I figure that in a dating situation that will come across to the other person(s). But how much of your background you might divulge these other person(s) will probably vary. With one person you might divulge quite a lot. With another you might not divulge much at all. I don't think there are "rules" in this regard, not ones that "fit all" anyway. You might find this person very easy to talk to, and mebbe that influences how much of your back story you reveal. Or this one might be a bit wary which might lead you to not giving up as much. Anyway, I reckon you are smart enough to be able to think on your feet, and divulge the *appropriate* back story as seems right in the moment. Thanks, Baza. You are likely correct. It's easy to overthink now. But when the time comes, face to face with someone, hopefully my thoughts will collect, and I will worry more about how this person makes me feel versus "rules" and what parts of my life I need/want to divulge over the appetizer. One step at a time, and a first date might be way, waaay down the line. I've plenty other matters to see to, anyway. |
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Post by Handy on Oct 7, 2021 0:58:44 GMT -5
DZ, on another thread you said In the end, the choice to end my SM was made for me, so while I will always be bitter about having my thunder stolen,................................... I got off easy...no pun intended. Now comes the next challenge of moving on and the unknown that kept me so firmly in place for so many years.
At another place it sounds as if you are heading for divorce. Do you feel comfortable telling the people of ILIASM more details.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 7, 2021 6:39:20 GMT -5
I have made the comment here before that I am one of the luckiest members at this forum/ My SM was relatively short, and so perhaps i was less impacted in my ability to move forward. It's effects on me were relatively less felt.
I was again lucky in that the 1st person I met and dated following my separation was also paroled from a SM, via her spouses death. But she was open about her SM and that enabled me to be open about mine, and so I was able to empty out things I have never voiced to anyone else. Again, my good fortune.
I think as baza says, you will know when it's right to speak about your past and you'll know when the other person isn't someone you want to share with. It's sort of intuitive, and you come across as someone who has this sort of intuition in your tool kit.
Good luck as you go forward, I expect with time you will be OK.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 8, 2021 1:13:21 GMT -5
DZ, on another thread you said In the end, the choice to end my SM was made for me, so while I will always be bitter about having my thunder stolen,................................... I got off easy...no pun intended. Now comes the next challenge of moving on and the unknown that kept me so firmly in place for so many years.At another place it sounds as if you are heading for divorce. Do you feel comfortable telling the people of ILIASM more details. In short, COVID did what I never could for 16 years. It was during this time when W was working from home that we were closer and further apart than ever. My resentment was at an all-time high, and I was planning on having the final "the talk" by year's end (I'll never know if I really would have or not). During this time, SHE had the talk with me, breaking the one and only truth I held about her: she would never be the one to end the SM. After all, she did love me, was happy so long as she didn't have to have sexual contact with me. Except that apparently wasn't true. I suppose I was too far gone down my own hole of despair that I couldn't see it coming, or my pouting around finally broke her will to be with me. Maybe I had become so unbearable to be around. Or maybe I was wrong about everything, all along. Having my thunder stolen will never sit well with me. Knowing that my W became a total stranger at the end is a bigger betrayal than refusing me. It changes how I see everyone, again...as if I wasn't already paranoid. Anyway, I went to Maine after it was determined we would separate by year's end. I liked it, despite feeling tremendously isolated and alone. When I went back home, I knew I had to leave ASAP. Worse than the fear of the unknown, the fear of being alone or financial hardships was knowing that I was living with a stranger...no longer anyone to me. Nothing now, no reason to keep connected, stay friends. It's just the end except for the logistics of divorce. No climactic last reel. I don't know what comes next, the nights are cold and strange here (really...it's fucking cold here at night already) but the sun comes up and it warms. There's enough hope in that. I've lived like this before, but not since my 20's. And then I was too young and stupid to know the risks. This time around it's pretty much all I can think about. There's a lot of water under the bridge, wear on the tires, but I don't have to look over my shoulder anymore. |
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Post by baza on Oct 8, 2021 18:24:33 GMT -5
The BIG thing here Brother deadzone75 is your "availability". That puts you ahead of the game - compared to other ILIASM members still in their ILIASM deals and "unavailable" to opportunities that may arise. You've done well. |
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Post by sadkat on Oct 8, 2021 20:06:31 GMT -5
deadzone75- Congratulations on your move to Maine! Yes, it is quite cold up there! You won’t catch me living there but I am willing to visit…. As long as it’s above 65 degrees F 😁. Like you, I headed out of the state in which I lived for 30 years. I wanted a new beginning when I left my M, too. I went someplace much warmer, though! I’ve been thinking about your sex snob concerns. I remember the fantasies I had during my sm- the ones that helped me climax while masturbating. I remember I wanted to experience each one in real life- very badly! I get where you are coming from. But…. What I missed the most was the intimacy- the connection with someone who really understands my needs. You don’t get that when you rush to jump in bed with someone. I dare say you probably couldn’t begin to enact a fantasy without being comfortable with a partner. I’d also say an incredible amount of honest and vulnerable communication would be needed. Having an open and comfortable relationship that allows for fantasy play takes time, patience, and a whole lot of commitment to build. The rewards are incredible, though! I think you’ll need time to sift through your thoughts and desires so that you can clearly define what it is you want out of a sexual experience. Then you’re going to have to find a partner who has similar interests. In this case, a person who has escaped an sm could relate much better to why sex is important to you. I can honestly say, two years out of my M, I find that my fantasies are not nearly as important as touch- that feeling of being skin to skin with a partner. And maybe nipple play, too 😁. itme left his m at about the same time I did. I hope he will drop in to share what he has learned over the past two years. I wonder if a male perspective is different?
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Post by sadkat on Oct 9, 2021 20:09:29 GMT -5
itme- thanks for your 1-1/2 cents and a fantastic laugh! Oh dear! Your experience has been entirely different from mine. You’ve made some great points and I appreciate the insight. I think loving yourself is very important. It can be hard to do at times. And being a good flirt seems to have opened a few doors for you! It took me a minute to figure out what you meant by “does isthisit know?”. I now recall a reference to oily slithering massages with deadzone75 in the middle 🤔. Guess we will wait to see if she responds.
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Post by isthisit on Oct 10, 2021 0:19:30 GMT -5
Yes itme ,isthisit knows all about it. But being a couple of harlots that we are…. sadkat and I were going to do him anyway. His marital demise matters not. |
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 10, 2021 3:14:34 GMT -5
itme - thanks for your 1-1/2 cents and a fantastic laugh! Oh dear! Your experience has been entirely different from mine. You’ve made some great points and I appreciate the insight. I think loving yourself is very important. It can be hard to do at times. And being a good flirt seems to have opened a few doors for you! It took me a minute to figure out what you meant by “does isthisit know?”. I now recall a reference to oily slithering massages with deadzone75 in the middle 🤔. Guess we will wait to see if she responds. I'll return soon with more thoughts on this discussion, but the one absolute that I will never give an inch on post SM is the "the sandwich" fantasy. It must happen before I die. AZ, ME, U.K. , doesn't matter...we are scheduled for a slippery explorative mind-blowing lunch. I don't care if we have to do it COVID remote style...it's going down.  |
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Post by isthisit on Oct 10, 2021 3:40:52 GMT -5
itme - thanks for your 1-1/2 cents and a fantastic laugh! Oh dear! Your experience has been entirely different from mine. You’ve made some great points and I appreciate the insight. I think loving yourself is very important. It can be hard to do at times. And being a good flirt seems to have opened a few doors for you! It took me a minute to figure out what you meant by “does isthisit know?”. I now recall a reference to oily slithering massages with deadzone75 in the middle 🤔. Guess we will wait to see if she responds. I'll return soon with more thoughts on this discussion, but the one absolute that I will never give an inch on post SM is the "the sandwich" fantasy. It must happen before I die. AZ, ME, U.K. , doesn't matter...we are scheduled for a slippery explorative mind-blowing lunch. I don't care if we have to do it COVID remote style...it's going down. Oooooooh. Tell me more about the going down bit. 😆 |
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Post by isthisit on Oct 10, 2021 3:53:17 GMT -5
Yes itme ,isthisit knows all about it. But being a couple of harlots that we are…. sadkat and I were going to do him anyway. His marital demise matters not. Y’all bring him to Nashville. We’ll show you a grand ol’ time! (Country music optional) And we got da hookup with someone who can get you swanky hotel discounts! That’s funnier than you know itme . I happen to know that Nashville is not top of DZ’s favourite places. 🤣 Something to do with ice-hockey I think. But I could…. just….tolerate Manchester for the joy of an oily wriggle, I’m sure DZ can rise above his sporting prejudices just once. And, ummm, thanks for the understanding about the music. Taylor is my limit with that. I will bring my ear buds just in case. 🤭 |
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Yes, it is late, and my medication is pushing me toward sleep. I'll be back later as well. Have a good night!
