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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2016 11:19:07 GMT -5
I had to deal with my STBX this morning. We're still trying to get the final repairs done on the house before it closes escrow next week. I hate being around him. Every second I'm tensed, waiting for whatever bullshit he's going to pull next. This morning I got done with my repair person and agreed to hang out and wait for his repair person while he ran out to the hardware store to get something. As always, me accommodating him. I should have said sorry I can't stay. He should have done his stupid shopping last week since I have our son and he has plenty of free time. But no, I was nice and all I wanted was to get away when he got back.
Before I can escape, he decides he's going to bring up the divorce. He says he's willing to talk about the settlement if I am. I tried to stay calm, I really did. I managed to grit my teeth and say I'm willing to try a mediator as long as my lawyer is there. He opened his mouth to say something, but I don't know what it was because whatever self control I have utterly failed me and I let him have it. I told him I didn't trust him. I told him it wasn't me who wasn't cooperating - it was him and his lawyer with their unreasonable demands.
He foolishly decided to frown as if he didn't agree and then the wheels really came off. I pointed out that it was his lawyer that twice added unreasonable demands when I was ready to sign a settlement. I told him that no, I wasn't going to agree to let him screw me over and that he needed to quit trying to control me, that my life is none of his business anymore. I told him he was a selfish prick, that he was not only ugly and cruel, but a liar to boot. I pointed out that I could have entered my own "declaration" about his flaws in court, but that I hadn't; that I could have sunk to his level, but I didn't. I asked him how he would have felt about seeing misrepresentations and nit picking bullshit about himself on a legal document. How unfair it was for him to just ignore twenty years of me doing things pretty much perfectly and focus only on the last two years where things were totally miserable. And then I went there. I just couldn't keep it back. I asked him how he would like the court knowing that he refused to fuck his own wife for the last 13 years of our marriage. Fortunately, my phone rang at that point so I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore and left.
I can't decide if this was a good thing or a bad thing. Part of me thinks he should have to face my anger and hurt. God knows, I've shielded him from it for years. Part of me thinks he should have to deal with the consequences of his choices - killing any trust I had for him, facing the pain his cruel words have caused. Another part of me thinks that all I did was show him that he still has the power to hurt me. He's probably planning his next mind fuck even as I write this. I hate that he can still upset me. When am I going to be able to just disconnect emotionally from him?
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Post by JMX on Jun 4, 2016 11:47:04 GMT -5
Meh. What can he really do about it? You will be able to disconnect from him when it is over. I think it's better you got it off your chest now and not in court if you don't have to!
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Post by deborahmanning on Jun 4, 2016 12:20:32 GMT -5
I think you had to say all that. To "let it go", even if it was straight into his face, just the once. Now you can pivot and learn to anticipate his next dick moves, without all that poison hanging in your mind. It's in his now, where it belongs.
Congratulations on getting the support order, and for holding it together in court where it counted.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2016 12:43:12 GMT -5
Aaaand, the other shoe dropped - he just got in a big fight with our son on the phone, trying to insist that our son be willing to be a sub for two different basketball teams that are short of players today. Our son refused, saying he has a big playoff game for his own team tomorrow and that he was looking forward to relaxing today. Our son ended up in tears, telling me his father made him feel like a worthless person because he didn't want to sub. The truth of the matter is that my ex wants our son to sub so that HE looks good, not because it's good for our son. So this is what I get for facing him down - he turns around and attacks our son. I don't even know how to handle this. I'm not going to make our son play when he doesn't want to do it. Would it be nice of him to help out? Sure. Is it his fault that two other teams ended up short of players hours before their games? Um, no. It didn't occur to me that my ex would go after one of our children when I dared to call him out on his nasty behavior. Apparently there are no limits to which he won't sink.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 4, 2016 13:10:49 GMT -5
@mountainrunner, such talk would bring out the grizzly bear in me. It's one thing to have disagreements with my spouse. But to make my son feel worthless would bring out every impulse of violence on the perpetrator and take the consequences with a smile on my face. How does a man make plans to have his son play basketball on a different team without the son's permission? How does he then make the son feel guilty for not playing?
Waterboarding is too good for him!
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Post by deborahmanning on Jun 4, 2016 13:26:49 GMT -5
I'm really impressed with your son for standing up to such nasty arm-twisting by his father. He's being loyal to his own team and to himself: how dare his father treat him like a piece of change he can drop into any slot machine, and hopefully get a payoff?! As you say, it's the dad's own ego being served, and it's amazing your son is aware enough to see that, even though the words still hurt him. He has MORE worth because he can save it for the right time. I wish there was a way you could tell him how proud your internet friend Dee is.... I hope my son, now 11, will have that kind of guts in a pinch.
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Post by unmatched on Jun 4, 2016 16:53:00 GMT -5
I am proud of you for not backing down and for letting him know how you feel. It makes no difference from a legal point of view and he needs to know he is being an asshole and that it does have a personal impact, it is not just some legal game playing.
Was he harder on your son as a result, or is he just a dick who probably already offered the boy's services without asking him? Who knows. But credit to your son for saying no. And hopefully without you to mediate any more the two of them might come to figure out a real relationship with each other.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 4, 2016 17:46:35 GMT -5
Aaaand, the other shoe dropped - he just got in a big fight with our son on the phone, trying to insist that our son be willing to be a sub for two different basketball teams that are short of players today. Our son refused, saying he has a big playoff game for his own team tomorrow and that he was looking forward to relaxing today. Our son ended up in tears, telling me his father made him feel like a worthless person because he didn't want to sub. The truth of the matter is that my ex wants our son to sub so that HE looks good, not because it's good for our son. So this is what I get for facing him down - he turns around and attacks our son. I don't even know how to handle this. I'm not going to make our son play when he doesn't want to do it. Would it be nice of him to help out? Sure. Is it his fault that two other teams ended up short of players hours before their games? Um, no. It didn't occur to me that my ex would go after one of our children when I dared to call him out on his nasty behavior. Apparently there are no limits to which he won't sink. Story of my life with my psycho bball ex. All he cares about is what happens on the field and it's all about him. Some men are delusional. My son is going to a bday party tomorrow instead of play baseball but if the team makes it to the championship game my instructions are to remove son from party early so he can pitch the championship game. So my son is out there playing today. His dad brought him in to close the game they were ahead. My son got one out then walked 5. They lost 4-3. He said he couldn't hit the broadside of the barn. I know my son would never throw a game intentionally because you can only imagine the lecture he is going to get but if I'm the coach I don't want that kid pitching my championship game which by the way he's delusional, they're not going to make it to the championship game. So I'm so sorry your son had to deal with his father in this manner but it's funny how they show their true colors. When we are in the household I think we create a buffer and keeping peace and a lot of times we handle things and we deal with the children more. Now the kids are one on one with each parent and both of mine are commenting about how selfish my ex is. I'm proud of my kids for recognizing negative traits in someone and I hope they don't make the same mistake I did. I was naive, my kids have more street smarts then I did. I'm proud of my son for being able to be a strong young man and tolerate his father. I get it. My comfort comes in that he doesn't have to be under the same roof with that man 30 days of the month only 12. Hugs to you and your kids.
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Post by baza on Jun 4, 2016 18:11:47 GMT -5
I am betting that this gargantuan spray you served up to cementhead is going to be quite cathertic for you Sister mountainrunner. According to the time stamp on your story, and your reference to "this morning", I'd bet you are feeling better already from having delivered some home truths to him. So I vote - "good thing". - I don't think that it will have any effect at all as far as making him more co-operative, it may even make it worse. But you got a lot of shit off your chest, that had obviously been festering for a looooooong time. And that has to be a good thing.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 4, 2016 18:26:31 GMT -5
@mountainrunner, good for you, and fuck him in the ass with a hot poker!
Seriously, the guy is how old, and he can't control taking out his aggressions on a child? You were right - he's a prick. He better think long and hard about the fact that his dominance extends to their 18th birthday - after that, they'll only be around him if they *want* to be around. He's on a road to alienate his kids.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2016 19:34:58 GMT -5
I think it was most likely a good thing that you unloaded on him. One reason why assholes are assholes is because most of the time, people are too scared to tell them that they are assholes.
And - good for your son for saying no to his bullshit, as well. And I'm glad you and your son were able to talk about it.
Without coming right out and calling your STBX an asshole to your son - you are in a situation to teach your son how to handle the unfortunate deal of having an asshole for dad.
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Post by samedeepwater on Jun 6, 2016 5:33:49 GMT -5
You did it! And don't say it didn't feel good. And what an asshat for trying to use your son to make him look like parent of the year. I'm proud of both of you. And I think if you listen closely, you can almost hear the sound of Mr. Ex losing the power he foolishly thought he had over you.
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Post by Dan on Jun 6, 2016 7:11:54 GMT -5
MR,
You mentioned recently that you feel anger can be a good thing if it motivates you to make a change for the better.
I think your outburst is another example of "reasonable anger": venting; speaking the truth as you see it; letting your hurt out on the table -- so that the one who caused it can see it, and be uncomfortable upon the sight.
It is understandable that he still "affects you so much": because you are a good soul with a big heart who -- at one time -- loved him. You tried to make it work. That's why it hurts so much that he as turned on you. (Consider: if some stranger off the street started dissing you, it would be easier to brush off, right?)
Anyway, your pain is a sign that he hurt you very much, BUT ALSO that you have a big heart.
Time will heal the pain... and you will continue to have a big heart.
And THAT, my friend, will get you through and attract like-minded, big-hearted people in to your post-married life.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 22:24:43 GMT -5
MR, You mentioned recently that you feel anger can be a good thing if it motivates you to make a change for the better. I think your outburst is another example of "reasonable anger": venting; speaking the truth as you see it; letting your hurt out on the table -- so that the one who caused it can see it, and be uncomfortable upon the sight. It is understandable that he still "affects you so much": because you are a good soul with a big heart who -- at one time -- loved him. You tried to make it work. That's why it hurts so much that he as turned on you. (Consider: if some stranger off the street started dissing you, it would be easier to brush off, right?) Anyway, your pain is a sign that he hurt you very much, BUT ALSO that you have a big heart. Time will heal the pain... and you will continue to have a big heart. And THAT, my friend, will get you through and attract like-minded, big-hearted people in to your post-married life. Anger energizes you. Have you ever heard anyone say, why, I was so mad at that guy, I, I...I took a nap!!! Trying not to be angry is what wears you out.
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Post by itsjustus on Jun 7, 2016 10:34:33 GMT -5
@mountainrunner"I can't decide if this was a good thing or a bad thing. Part of me thinks he should have to face my anger and hurt. God knows, I've shielded him from it for years. Part of me thinks he should have to deal with the consequences of his choices - killing any trust I had for him, facing the pain his cruel words have caused"
It was a good thing. That part of you that thinks he should have to face it is called your "Justice" part. All the pent up hurts and injustices...all the pain that's been inflicted by his choices, his cruel words.....they needed to be relieved, for you to take the first few steps in healing. That part of you finally had it's say.
You are a lot like me. Maybe it's our personality's? Maybe the way we were raised? It's just against our nature to look someone in the eye and tell them they are flawed, that we reject them, as a human, because of their flaws, regardless of how much pain and agony their treatment of us was. That's what makes doing this, leaving, one of the hardest things you'll ever do in your life. You are telling them that they are unacceptable, as a person, to you. I had that moment as well. I still can't wrap my head around the need for it, for myself...versus the difficulty of actually doing it. The feelings it brought up in me. I'm not comfortable with anger. She did something similar that drove me to the edge, and over...to telling the truth. All of it. Unvarnished. I needed it.
I've never repeated it, though there were/are times...I should. Was it a mind-fuck in his eyes? Who. The. Fuck. Cares? It shouldn't be in yours. You needed it.
To say it out loud...using the righteous anger that welled up inside you, is Justice. It was a good thing.
Just a shame your phone rang though...... he deserved more of it.
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