lonelycat
New Member
Posts: 19
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by lonelycat on May 25, 2021 12:48:09 GMT -5
I have done so much reading here, I think I am all caught up reading up to year 2018 – I have years 2017 and 2016 to go over.
I still don’t know what I am going to do, I gave myself until end of August (this year) to gather information and make up my mind. I have mentioned this before and I will mention again, there are two main things in this Forum that profoundly changed me:
1) I am not alone in the sexless marriage shithole. I am not the only person in the world that is going through this. There are many others are in the same situation, the sadness I feel about being rejected is completely normal. That is ok to want to have intimacy; there is nothing wrong with me.
2) The importance of self-care. I mentioned before, I had let myself go physically and mentally. I gained weight, engaged in self-destructive behaviors e.g. heavy drinking, isolating myself. Fortunately, I realized in time the damage I was doing to myself. I have since them lost weight, stop drinking and put some time and effort in developing meaningful friendships. Ironically, the pandemic/lockdowns actually help me in that regards.
I still struggle with self-care and many advices in here from the senior members mention to “continuing working on yourself”. I want to continue working on myself, keep this momentum going however, I struggle with it. Somedays I feel hopeless and do not see the point on doing anything. Yesterday was one “these days”. It took me a monumental effort to go to a yoga class, off course afterwards I was happy I did it. Any advice on how to stay motivated? Now that my busy season at work is over, I have some extra time. I am not sure what to do with this extra time. Any suggestion is welcome.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on May 25, 2021 13:25:11 GMT -5
Therapy helps a great deal as does confiding in supportive friends and getting involved in activities and establishing friendships without your partner. Activities like taking classes (could be on-line), volunteering, and going to Meetups (some are on-line) can add structure and friends to you life. By doing those things, I literally became a new person-- vibrant, artistic, social. Eventually, I divorced. However, when I started doing self-care my goal wasn't to divorce or to change my partner (which I knew was not possible). It was to be happy and reclaim myself.
|
|
|
Post by catlover on May 25, 2021 16:29:24 GMT -5
LOL, when I read the title I thought at first you were referring to "taking yourself in hand" LOL
|
|
|
Post by baza on May 25, 2021 19:05:02 GMT -5
Self help books can be useful Sister lonelycat - although it comes across that you are a reader and have probably read a fair few already. There's a bloke called Mark Manson who has published a couple, one being "The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck". He also has a web site. He might not be your cup of tea, but I find him to be pretty useful. You could do worse than googling him to sample his writings.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on May 25, 2021 19:28:19 GMT -5
... Any advice on how to stay motivated? Now that my busy season at work is over, I have some extra time. I am not sure what to do with this extra time. Any suggestion is welcome. Dr. Gabe Mirkin tells that one of the best predictors of successfully staying on an exercise plan is to do it with someone else. Perhaps related is what to do with extra time. Perhaps you can look up those meetup.com groups northstarmom mentioned. Before the reset with my wife, I'd planned to get a few regular events going throughout the week. My nights with my FWB would be interspersed so it would be just another Wednesday when hubby isn't home. A routine established. Low impact. Then my wife made it all unnecessary. As it stands, I may join the volleyball group when COVID lifts. No ulterior motive behind it though. Exercise groups may be among the choices. Perhaps you can dust off some flirting skills. You're married. They'll figure it's all innocent fun. And maybe it will be. But that'll be your choice. Adding to your social circles can brace you for impact if you end up deciding to split or your husband does. Or maybe there'll be no impact. You'll physically reconnect, or you'll get a FWB and he'll realize he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
|
|
|
Post by alwaysdenied on May 26, 2021 8:04:04 GMT -5
It's hard to stay self motivated. I know because I'm in a lull myself. I told myself that I was going to enjoy the holidays and then get back on my diet. Here it is almost June and I'm still not on it. It's so hard not to get lulled into the trap again.
Most of the time it's the anger that will motivate me to get back on track, but who wants to be angry all the time? Not me. But as someone who has a timeline to leave that's in the years, I feel there is always time to procrastinate. In reality, I need to be on my game of keeping on my diet and bettering myself socially as well. Maybe write out your schedule and find a friend at that yoga class that can hold you to coming?
It IS refreshing knowing you're not alone isn't it? Sometimes the frustration gets to a boiling point and without here, I would seriously question my sanity. I guess if it was easy to do, then everyone would be their best self's out there. Keep at it, find something fun and let yourself enjoy life. Look at your timeline and work your plan. (wait, that's what I need to do as well).
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 31, 2021 14:18:55 GMT -5
forge.medium.com/when-self-care-kills-your-friendships-9b4eca0406d0I hope you can read this ( articles from medium aren't always readable without a membership) The question is " can you have too much self care? Too many boundaries? Boundaries set to high?" Say you work a 8 to 5 M-F but are so busy with working out, college classes,ladies night out,volunteering, reading tons of self help articles, doing everything for yourself that you no longer need a friend? So you end up having no friends. Kind of makes it hard to be intimate again with someone else?
|
|
|
Post by frednsa on May 31, 2021 18:02:14 GMT -5
I have done so much reading here, I think I am all caught up reading up to year 2018 – I have years 2017 and 2016 to go over. I still don’t know what I am going to do, I gave myself until end of August (this year) to gather information and make up my mind. I have mentioned this before and I will mention again, there are two main things in this Forum that profoundly changed me: 1) I am not alone in the sexless marriage shithole. I am not the only person in the world that is going through this. There are many others are in the same situation, the sadness I feel about being rejected is completely normal. That is ok to want to have intimacy; there is nothing wrong with me. 2) The importance of self-care. I mentioned before, I had let myself go physically and mentally. I gained weight, engaged in self-destructive behaviors e.g. heavy drinking, isolating myself. Fortunately, I realized in time the damage I was doing to myself. I have since them lost weight, stop drinking and put some time and effort in developing meaningful friendships. Ironically, the pandemic/lockdowns actually help me in that regards. I still struggle with self-care and many advices in here from the senior members mention to “continuing working on yourself”. I want to continue working on myself, keep this momentum going however, I struggle with it. Somedays I feel hopeless and do not see the point on doing anything. Yesterday was one “these days”. It took me a monumental effort to go to a yoga class, off course afterwards I was happy I did it. Any advice on how to stay motivated? Now that my busy season at work is over, I have some extra time. I am not sure what to do with this extra time. Any suggestion is welcome. you are not going "THROUGH" anything ! There is NO THROUGH ! There is just the black shithole where you are now. LEAVE /1
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Jun 1, 2021 0:19:22 GMT -5
Down days are normal. Pushing through every down day is a good thing.
But, how about that August thing. That was the initial plan, but you don't have to stick with a deadline if things change. So, are you ready to assess what your futures look like, should you choose to accept your predicament, or not accept it?
|
|
lonelycat
New Member
Posts: 19
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by lonelycat on Jun 1, 2021 23:34:43 GMT -5
you are not going "THROUGH" anything ! There is NO THROUGH ! There is just the black shithole where you are now. LEAVE /1 Er…. I am sure you mean well, but your comment is unmerited. Actually, I am going through A LOT! To quote Esther Perel (Thank you Jerry!): “It is truth of my experience, but not necessarily the truth of what happens.”
|
|
lonelycat
New Member
Posts: 19
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by lonelycat on Jun 1, 2021 23:40:48 GMT -5
Down days are normal. Pushing through every down day is a good thing. But, how about that August thing. That was the initial plan, but you don't have to stick with a deadline if things change. So, are you ready to assess what your futures look like, should you choose to accept your predicament, or not accept it? I have been doing assessments quite often for a while. I gave myself until August for many, MANY reasons. There are details of my circumstances that I have not yet disclosed. For example, I am not an American. I was born and raised in another continent; I am the only one here from my family. If I decide, to leave my marriage there are some legal “stuff” that needs to be addressed, and that takes time. Also, my marriage is sexless but is not loveless (yet). I have been “exploring” the potential for outsourcing. Not sure I really want to emotionally invest in that. Husband gave me permission, which oddly made me very sad. It was like hearing he officially gave up. How is that the potential of me being intimate with another man doesn't bother him? Too many unknown variables and I need time digesting all this new information.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Jun 2, 2021 4:59:39 GMT -5
Down days are normal. Pushing through every down day is a good thing. But, how about that August thing. That was the initial plan, but you don't have to stick with a deadline if things change. So, are you ready to assess what your futures look like, should you choose to accept your predicament, or not accept it? ... If I decide, to leave my marriage there are some legal “stuff” that needs to be addressed, and that takes time. Also, my marriage is sexless but is not loveless (yet). I have been “exploring” the potential for outsourcing. Not sure I really want to emotionally invest in that. Husband gave me permission, which oddly made me very sad. It was like hearing he officially gave up. How is that the potential of me being intimate with another man doesn't bother him? Too many unknown variables and I need time digesting all this new information. Agreeing to outsourcing may well bother him, but he gets past it for your sake. If he were physically incapable (e.g. paralyzed), would it be less troubling? Perhaps now or in the future, he can be pleased that the woman he loves is not being physically deprived and may even share joy. Sharing in the joy of our loved ones' lives is referred to as compersion. Sharing your spouse with others doesn't bother them, they can find vicarious bliss that way. jerri has had some posts exploring the transition from the traditional marriage arrangement to polyandry. Listening to teh experiences of those who've been there may provide models you'll find helpful. A list of podcasts about polyandry/polyamory is found here: iliasm.org/post/129671Look through the episode lists and find topics of greatest interest and start there. Before proceeding, though, your legal situation would be good to settle first. In the event your outsourcing grows to be a great cause of concern, you wouldn't want a fit of rage to plunge you into great difficulty. You may want to address some of the problems before you begin. (If you begin)
|
|
lonelycat
New Member
Posts: 19
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by lonelycat on Jun 2, 2021 8:10:09 GMT -5
Thank you for the guidance. The good news is that I have been a US citizen for a while, so I don't have to worry about getting booted out. My nephew is working on his Master degree back home and I was helping (Financial Sponsor) and hoping he would get an internship here. I do not think that is going to happen, mostly because of COVID.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 4, 2021 11:42:56 GMT -5
Thanks itme for the shout out. If my post helps anyone in their journey, great. That was the intention. lonelycat I'm sorry to hear of your predicament. I don't know your history but I did read your post. I'm reminded of the words attributed to Winston Churchill (incorrectly so btw). "When you are going through hell, keep going" I think its great that you are working on yourself. What came to mind when I read your words is the absence of a mission. Have you defined what your mission is? Is it to make a decision by August? If that is not impelling you forward maybe you haven't bought in to that objective. Or perhaps its not the right mission. Maybe Im wrong, but fwiw, I thought I would pipe in.
|
|