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Post by jim44444 on Apr 30, 2021 15:44:59 GMT -5
Thoughts
"Balancing what I can change. " 5 words with so much meaning.
I was having a text conversation with a soulmate and she was sharing her dissatisfaction within her current relationship. As a former member of ILIASM she remembers the hell of her marriage and the double hell it took to escape.
What she learned was too not make excuses for her current relationship. She knows she cannot change another person. She can communicate her feelings about his actions or inactions but he must choose to change or not. She can change her reaction to the dynamic or she can change the relationship.
Thus she wrote "Balancing what I can change. "
Isn't that the crux of trying to resolve an SM or any dysfunctional relationship? We are in a relationship stasis and anything we change creates a disequilibrium. It is like being on a seesaw with near perfect balance. If some one moves forward or back then one person rises while the other falls. So it goes in our SM, we try to find changes that will improve our lot while also trying to mitigate the consequences of our changes. A Herculean task at best. It is a wonder that we are not all raving lunatics.
Even so we must move that seesaw if we want sit at a different level. We need to make the changes that alter the balance so we can move towards the life we want to live. And then we make more changes to deal with the reactions to our prior changes. Yes it is an endless cycle but that is life.
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Post by ironhamster on May 2, 2021 5:39:33 GMT -5
Balancing what I can change...
That's pretty much life.
Years ago I got some advice that stuck with me. "Don't worry about things you can't change."
The good side of that is it allowed me to relax about things I might get wound up about. I don't attribute my shithole marriage to complacency from this, but I could see how it could lead someone to complacency.
Change is hard. At no point in life is there an ideal solution to relationships. When we are young, we all have some growing up to do. When we are old, we are set in our ways. The important thing is that we care enough to try to understand our partner, and find enjoyment in making our partner happy and vice versa. If that's not working, we need to assess whether the pain of staying is worth the happiness we get.
By now, we should all have a good idea why we stay in a relationship, when it's time to walk away, or god forbid, when it's time to run.
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Post by jerri on May 4, 2021 4:28:10 GMT -5
Reminds me of the serenity prayer, not that I am religious. I do love the prayer.
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Post by lessingham on May 4, 2021 6:59:45 GMT -5
And there is the kickback. As we try to change , people kick us back into out old roles to make sure wedo bot upset their balances too.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 4, 2021 18:32:40 GMT -5
The worst pain isn't leaving or staying, it's not knowing weather to stay or leave. Indecision is like a man running on the same spot. The day you decide to either stay, or walk out of a relationship is the day you become free because you no longer have to wonder " what if?"
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Post by baza on May 4, 2021 21:36:54 GMT -5
The worst pain isn't leaving or staying, it's not knowing weather to stay or leave. Indecision is like a man running on the same spot. The day you decide to either stay, or walk out of a relationship is the day you become free because you no longer have to wonder " what if?" Yes. This is a major truth in my opinion. Of all the people in this group, the happiest seem to be the ones who have made their choice (be that staying / cheating / leaving) owning that choice, and living that choice. You don't see these people bitching about their choice, you don't see them continually taking their spouses inventory either. Nor do they seem to be blaming external factors for their predicament. What you DO see in these happier ILIASM situations is the person taking responsibility for their choices. There's a level of serenity to be had once you choose, and then own and live that choice. And it is bloody hard work.
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