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Post by catlover on Apr 21, 2021 12:57:25 GMT -5
I normally waken long before the wife. Time and time again I reach out and try to touch her in the good parts, only for the proverbial gates to slam shut. Then I feel all pissed, angry and resentful. I know what the outcome will be but I still try, maybe hoping she would get turned on. I have to remind myself she is very ill, in my mind though I think, “can’t she do one little thing for me” destructive cycle
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Post by isthisit on Apr 21, 2021 16:11:00 GMT -5
Sorry to sound harsh, but attempting to touch your W intimately while she is unconscious when you know full well that she won’t like it is morally questionable at best.
That is not going to prove a fruitful path to the willingly given and enthusiastic affection you seek. Change tack. And quickly.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 21, 2021 19:41:35 GMT -5
Time and time again I reach out and try to touch her in the good parts, only for the proverbial gates to slam shut. Then I feel all pissed, angry and resentful. I know what the outcome will be but I still try, maybe hoping she would get turned on. I have to remind myself she is very ill, in my mind though I think, “can’t she do one little thing for me” destructive cycle Apocrypha points out that when someone is refusing to do that "little thing" and it puts their marriage and life as they know it, at risk. It isn't a little thing. If it is a little thing, they can be flummoxed how you're ready to make them so unhappy over something that matters so little. When boggles our mind is why people wait to get married for a "little thing". You cannot do that "little thing" until you are promising to stay with that person until you die. How can something so instrumental to a decision literally affecting your whole life be a "little thing". Yet, here it is. Evidence they found physical intimacy a trivial component of marriage. Doesn't make sense to us. I do have to ask you to heed isthisit's advice. For your sake as well as your wife's. You mustn't beg for sex, and you mustn't take it, unoffered. You need to get it voluntarily, and that may mean getting out of your miserable comfort zone. Ahead lies self-respect and occasional bliss, even if it means it's not with your wife. If she chooses to leave over a "little thing", what does that say?
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Post by catlover on Apr 21, 2021 20:40:55 GMT -5
Thanks for the replies folks, advice is noted and heeded. No, I will not beg for sex, I'm done humiliating myself, BTW, not sure what you mean mirrorchild by "you mustn't take it unoffered" .
God I long for the "old days", when we used to have spontaneous sex, on the kitchen counter while the coffee was brewing, in the sea at a resort, long and slow on a Sunday afternoon.
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Post by baza on Apr 21, 2021 20:46:55 GMT -5
"Time and time again I reach out and try to touch her in the good parts" - you say Brother catlover . I would think that this would get real old, real quick for the recipient of these unwanted touches. The idea(s) floated above to desist from this practice, and to sleep elsewhere so you aren't tempted seems very sensible.
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Post by catlover on Apr 21, 2021 21:01:15 GMT -5
I probably don't belong in this group, I still desperately desire my wife, have tried the FWB route a couple of times, the last one started getting complicated and ended 'somewhat' amicably (my fault, she didn't like figuratively, sharing the bed with my wife, the previous one was pretty cool, I was away from home in Montreal (where she lived) Sunday night to Friday afternoon, but ended rather abruptly when my contract got cancelled. That was a fun FWB relationship, with no complications. I would meet her once a week after work, go for a meal, back to the hotel for a bonking session and then drop her off at home. Trouble is, I want HER, I don't want to leave, I don't want her to leave, I just want things to be the way they were, even for a while till she gets too ill. Ah fukitol, I know, I am dreaming (my life away)
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 22, 2021 5:06:28 GMT -5
I probably don't belong in this group, I still desperately desire my wife, have tried the FWB route a couple of times, the last one started getting complicated and ended 'somewhat' amicably (my fault, she didn't like figuratively, sharing the bed with my wife, the previous one was pretty cool, I was away from home in Montreal (where she lived) Sunday night to Friday afternoon, but ended rather abruptly when my contract got cancelled. That was a fun FWB relationship, with no complications. I would meet her once a week after work, go for a meal, back to the hotel for a bonking session and then drop her off at home. Trouble is, I want HER, I don't want to leave, I don't want her to leave, I just want things to be the way they were, even for a while till she gets too ill. Ah fukitol, I know, I am dreaming (my life away) If you're feeling pressured to leave, a lot of that kind of cheerleading is discouraged in the thread "Choosing to Stay". That's a place to commiserate with the implication that divorce is off the table for discussion. (Though some may inquire as to why, non-judgmentally.) If you post there, perhaps you'll find the atmosphere more accommodating to your relationship status? Baza covered it. When you touch her with the knowledge it will not be received favorably (not even a hint of maybe possible), that's begging. Just not with words. It's beneath you. The "way things were" included, from your description, eager participation. That may be impossible, given physical issues to top off any mental and emotional ones. The Montreal lover.... was this during your wife's refusing period? If so, did having someone else wanting you physically make loving your wife platonically easier?
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 22, 2021 9:39:26 GMT -5
I probably don't belong in this group, I still desperately desire my wife, have tried the FWB route a couple of times, the last one started getting complicated and ended 'somewhat' amicably (my fault, she didn't like figuratively, sharing the bed with my wife, the previous one was pretty cool, I was away from home in Montreal (where she lived) Sunday night to Friday afternoon, but ended rather abruptly when my contract got cancelled. That was a fun FWB relationship, with no complications. I would meet her once a week after work, go for a meal, back to the hotel for a bonking session and then drop her off at home. Trouble is, I want HER, I don't want to leave, I don't want her to leave, I just want things to be the way they were, even for a while till she gets too ill. Ah fukitol, I know, I am dreaming (my life away) No catlover you definitely do belong in this group. But perhaps you might need to take on a somewhat different perspective when viewing the sexual component (or lack thereof) as regards your W. All the way up until the day she left and even for some time afterward I still desired my W. It has taken a lot of time for that desire to go away, but it pretty much is gone now after being divorced for 6 yrs. Imagine you are looking up at the stars. The night sky is a flat plane with the stars dotting a black background. There are constellations one can identify. Take the big dipper or the 7 sisters. The stars appear to be pretty much at the same distance from Earth. But if you were to view these same star patterns from a 90 degree angle to Earth(basically looking at them from the side) they would not look at all like what you see looking straight at them from Earth. They might look like a catface. Ultimately those of us who find ourselves here need to examine the relationship from more than 1 perspective. That's partly why we come here, to get the perspective of others who can view things from a different angle than what we might be seeing.
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Post by catlover on Apr 22, 2021 11:49:19 GMT -5
Thanks again for the replies. Yes mirrorchild, you are bang on, having the Montreal lover did definitely make the platonic relationship easier. The advice I received yesterday did definitely help as well, didn’t start the day off in a shitty mood. It is great to have unbiased straight talk.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 22, 2021 14:46:48 GMT -5
FWIW. I like sex. I am 8 years out of my SM and have been for 8 years with a man whom I love and desire. But, damn it, if I'm sleeping, I don't want to be awakened for sex. I used to actually like that but now that I'm having anxiety and insomnia problems (due to months of quarantine), when I'm asleep isn't the time for him to want to get frisky.
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Post by catlover on Apr 22, 2021 20:12:01 GMT -5
I am actually feeling happy(ish) today, I think you folks have helped me accept that it is never going to happen again in this marriage. At the same time, I am sad for the same reason. Talk about mixed feelings :-(
Should I tell her this?
I want to touch and be touched, if PIV sex doesn't happen I couldn't honestly care, I just want to feel skin on skin. FWIW, I have never touched her 'there' when she was sleeping, merely a hand on the butt would make the "figurative gates" slam shut, as if even the hint of something naughty repels her (that's what I think anyway), I've asked if I can hold her boob when we are going off to sleep and even that gets refused. 2 mchances of getting frisky. At times I do feel like just giving up
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Post by notdeadyet on Apr 23, 2021 10:55:18 GMT -5
found this and it just seemed to fit this thread.
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Post by isthisit on Apr 23, 2021 15:13:30 GMT -5
I am actually feeling happy(ish) today, I think you folks have helped me accept that it is never going to happen again in this marriage. At the same time, I am sad for the same reason. Talk about mixed feelings :-( Should I tell her this? I want to touch and be touched, if PIV sex doesn't happen I couldn't honestly care, I just want to feel skin on skin. FWIW, I have never touched her 'there' when she was sleeping, merely a hand on the butt would make the "figurative gates" slam shut, as if even the hint of something naughty repels her (that's what I think anyway), I've asked if I can hold her boob when we are going off to sleep and even that gets refused. 2 mchances of getting frisky. At times I do feel like just giving up “Merely a hand on the butt” Dude, that is intimate touching, and I would be bloody furious. Please do not underestimate the anguish this can cause women. “Merely a hand on the butt” to you could easily be distressing and degrading to a woman. I am uncertain if there is an equivalent for males. I have experienced unwanted and uninvited touch by a man and it was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. I advise you to reflect on my words very carefully. So, if you wouldn’t touch the lady next door, your granny, or any other woman on a specific part of her body, there’s a fair chance your W would like you to steer clear of this too. You must respect this, regardless of how much it frustrates you. Despite being your W she has every right to decline your touch. EVERYONE has this right and to breach it is unforgivable.
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Post by casual777 on Apr 24, 2021 1:03:14 GMT -5
Sorry to sound harsh, but attempting to touch your W intimately while she is unconscious when you know full well that she won’t like it is morally questionable at best. That is not going to prove a fruitful path to the willingly given and enthusiastic affection you seek. Change tack. And quickly.
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Post by casual777 on Apr 24, 2021 1:06:22 GMT -5
Sorry to sound harsh, but attempting to touch your W intimately while she is unconscious when you know full well that she won’t like it is morally questionable at best. That is not going to prove a fruitful path to the willingly given and enthusiastic affection you seek. Change tack. And quickly. Important to have a better moning Routine. A gratitude list , meditation , get up , do yoga , come back to bed, or make breakfast and bring it to bed. Cuddle her with no expectation . The morning will be a 6/10 regardless of sex .
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