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Post by glitteringexcuse95 on Feb 3, 2021 20:57:10 GMT -5
Have not had intercorae in two years. Wife says sje is working towards making it happen. Not sure how I will react or respond if the day ever comes. I want it but not really sure since it has been so long.
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Post by Handy on Feb 3, 2021 21:18:26 GMT -5
Glitteringexcuse95, welcome to the forum you would rather not have had the issues represented here. Welcome aboard anyway.
Two years is a long time but people have gone without much longer. Your W saying she is "working on it" usually is a flimsy excuse to delay and delay, so ignore what she says and let her actions speak the truth.
How old are you two and how long is the marriage? What might have brought on the no sex?
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Post by csl on Feb 3, 2021 22:02:48 GMT -5
Have not had intercorae in two years. Wife says sje is working towards making it happen. Not sure how I will react or respond if the day ever comes. I want it but not really sure since it has been so long. My question when I hear something like this is “What, exactly, is she doing to work toward this? Just what is the hindrance that needs to be dealt with?”
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Post by baza on Feb 3, 2021 22:24:47 GMT -5
There's not much to go on in your post Brother glitteringexcuse95 . Suggestion - start reading in here. If (when) you find a post that resonates with you (and I'll bet you will find such a post) click on the members name (in pale blue) which will take you to their profile, and from there you can see all the posts they've made. This can be quite illuminating, as most of us are going through what you are going through, or have been through what you are going through and are out the other end. Welcome.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 3, 2021 23:07:51 GMT -5
There is no one excuse from a refuser than is any more ridiculous than another, when it's boiled down...it's all bullshit. BUT, my initial reaction to the excuses from refusers such as they are "working on it", or "toward it", as if it's something that requires rounding up some serious cash first...those are hard to wrap your head around.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 4, 2021 2:45:56 GMT -5
What requires being worked on?
Is she hoping she can build up some desire for something she has no desire for?
Does she have some medical issue currently causing her pain? If so, there are all sorts of alternate forms of intimacy, so, she should try some.
Is she in counseling to deal with some severe sexual traumatic experience?
Could it be that what she is working on is a stall tactic, because she knows she cannot love you the way you need to be loved, and if she tells you that, it may end the relationship? That's not love. That's control.
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Post by jerri on Feb 4, 2021 3:00:51 GMT -5
Welcome and I hope you ask questions or give us a few more details.
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Feb 4, 2021 6:50:42 GMT -5
'what requires being worked on?'
Does she have weight/confidence problems? I don't necessarily mean she's a huge fatty ; sometimes even a stone over-weight (that's 14lbs for you US chappies..!)can play havoc with your 'internal view' of yourself and make you think you're gross. And therefore don't want to be touched, certainly don't want to be looked at.
Some people can waste years 'waiting for their lives to start' because they're not yet the 'correct' weight/size.....
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 4, 2021 7:15:03 GMT -5
Have not had intercourse in two years. Wife says she is working towards making it happen. Not sure how I will react or respond if the day ever comes. I want it but not really sure since it has been so long. Welcome. Sorry you're here. If possible, it may be a kind thing to know in advance if you'll be turning her down. On the off chance she is making some type of effort towards overcoming obstacles to get to an ordinary marital status, it could be a rather savage blow to have those efforts lead to naught. Her forced celibacy is unkind, but perhaps you want to be a courteous spouse. Naturally, your feelings, thoughts, and actions can change in the moment. What will it be like? "Honey, I'm sorry it's been so long, can we make love tonight? I bought this teddy just for you." or "Okay, okay! Let's get this over with, 'Real Housewives' is almost on." It would be understandable to have different reactions to these offers to break the dry spell. Two years? Did I say 'dry'? That's more crumbling, sun-baked, cracked adobe desiccation level. Let's be fair.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 4, 2021 13:40:24 GMT -5
Either do, or do not. There is no "working on it" when it comes to having intercourse with a spouse you desire. Your wife is just gaslighting you. Speakig from experience. I went 8 straight years with no sex at all. My husband was allegedly working on it in therapy or was too sensitive to even discuss sex with me. When I finally got fed up and divorced, it ended up he'd been having sex with another woman. Even if that's not the case in your situation, my post marriage experience has taught me that if someone wants to fuck you, they will. They won't delay for years and months while making excuses.
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 5, 2021 15:51:46 GMT -5
Have not had intercorae in two years. Wife says sje is working towards making it happen. Not sure how I will react or respond if the day ever comes. I want it but not really sure since it has been so long. Sadly it doesn't get any better. It will be four years for me in February, despite four years of marital counseling. Do you have any trauma in your past causing the issue - an affair, being emotionally unavailable, medical issues, etc.? If not, you really need to evaluate what you are getting out or want to get out of your relationship if there is no passion or sex involved. Is this really what you want your life to be? Take it from someone who has been dealing with it way longer hoping to fix it, only to learn that it is highly likely we will end up divorced because I am now seeing that a lack of intimacy is a deal breaker for me. Consider asking your wife point blank why she believes the two of you are having intimacy issues. Will she answer you honestly? If not, I would suggest you consider counseling now while it is still early and potentially fixable. However, I will tell you the trend her on these forums leans strongly toward someone not being able to fix a sexless marriage and either agreeing that they are willing to give up that part of their lives in order to keep something else of value to them (family together, personal wealth, etc.) or people who have decided move on from their sexless marriage to pursue actually being happy.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2021 17:02:28 GMT -5
Everything that's been written here. Bingo. There is also part of me that's developed a "do any of the whys matter at all" mentality. I mean, being a kind person (partner isn't in the mood because they have brain cancer) isn't what I'm talking about but almost everything else. I'm low libido, I'm overweight, the mood isn't right, I may be asexual, you don't do the dishes, we haven't traveled to Paris, whatever....Do any of them really matter?
If having an intimate, loving, reciprocal relationship that includes sex is important enough to you then the whys don't matter. What matters is what will you live with because if it's been years then that's your permanent situation. If you can live with it then trot on over to the "Choosing to Stay" group where people like me seem fine until they pop because they would just like to have some physical contact with a human being and then they go back to "well, I guess I'm still staying". OR if you cant' live with the status quo then there's lots of good advice from people like baza and northstarmom that will hit you between the eyes (in a good way) on ending the status quo. But, based on vast experience personally and on this forum, sex with your spouse is done and done.
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Post by solitarysoul on Mar 7, 2021 23:54:25 GMT -5
2 years??....lol...such a novice... 7 years.. and now I am just on cruise control... And I am sure I am not the worst on here... But at least I can say I am done... Done.done. done.
Do or do not...there is no try... If you don't... Plan on being on the same shoes... It's a slippery slope...
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 8, 2021 5:12:53 GMT -5
2 years??....lol...such a novice... 7 years.. and now I am just on cruise control... And I am sure I am not the worst on here... But at least I can say I am done... Done.done. done. Do or do not...there is no try... If you don't... Plan on being on the same shoes... It's a slippery slope... Given that sexless marriage is more or less agreed to constitute sex less than ten times a year, if you've gone 37 days without, you belong here and have good reason to start seeking answers/solutions. I hope every one of us loses our expertise in frustration tolerance ASAP.
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Post by catlover on Mar 8, 2021 8:15:04 GMT -5
"10 times a year"? I must be fucking desperate, 10 times a year would be infinitely better than what I am getting for at least the past 8 - 10 years (try zero)
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