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Post by jerri on Jan 17, 2021 23:02:22 GMT -5
I always thought I could handle a SM, thought I could move through anything. I started off thinking he was cheating, men are supposed to want sex! If l wasn't getting it who was? Found nothing. It amazed me when a beautiful woman walked by and didn't catch his eye! I asked him are you gay? Because if you are, I will support your choice to be with a man. He got angry. 'Why would you say that!'
Okay, must need spice! What's going to turn him on? Looking at stimuling books/porn helped somewhat, at least there was sign of life! Used to watch "RealSex" on HBO. My friends would tell me to be more sexy. Then when I would bring lingerie or techniques in the dead bed he told me not to bring experiments in the bedroom. Every blue moon- We did the same fellatio, riding him then his turn to make us cum.
I thought I must not be hot enough, tight enough!
Next, how to turn your husband on type books! Which actually yeilded results. Just wouldn't last!
Got a therapist and sexless marrige books. Which helped and then faded when the therapist said triangulation therapy can only do so much.
I wanted to know WHY? He told me you don't stimulate me! I boiled over and said take that back! I fell into a deep depression and when I came out l didn't care if he left me, I sweetly proclaimed I would be getting sex outside the marriage.
What really worked was when I started caring about myself and what I wanted. I said yes to me and intimacy!
What was the turning point for you? How did you start focusing on you and what you wanted/needed?
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Post by baza on Jan 17, 2021 23:47:21 GMT -5
There was no "aha" moment for me.
It was more like a war of attrition rather than one quick and decisive battle.
I "knew" (at some level) my deal was toast for a couple of decades (that's NOT a misprint) and the passage of time just confirmed that, time after time.
There were a number of things that kept me "stuck". Mostly my own moral code from years before where-in I said I would never cheat, nor divorce. These values were formed back when I didn't have a girlfriend, let alone being married and certainly not in a dysfunctional relationship and under those circumstances it was pretty easy to adhere to my theoretical morals. These values were formed on the facts as they were then - not the facts as they are NOW.
When I put those values under the microscope, they didn't stand up to the scrutiny. I would say that this challenging of my values was some of the most difficult and painful tasks I ever undertook. It is quite distressing to discover that what you have thought "forever" might actually be wrong. My values were years out of date with current facts.
So I'd say that my own thinking that kept me stuck.
The turning point was when I finally saw the facts, that I was in a Financial Partnership, not a marriage. Then, my spouse started engaging in behaviors that threatened the well being of the Financial Partnership.
The writing was on the wall with this development, the deal stumbled along another couple of years before collapsing.
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Post by jerri on Jan 18, 2021 0:14:52 GMT -5
Brother baza , I think it is so easy to stay because of our vows😃 It took me 17 years before I gave up trying to solve the mystery. Well said, baza ! Part of my turning point was the book then this video
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 18, 2021 3:18:36 GMT -5
There was no "aha" moment for me. It was more like a war of attrition rather than one quick and decisive battle. I "knew" (at some level) my deal was toast for a couple of decades (that's NOT a misprint) and the passage of time just confirmed that, time after time. There were a number of things that kept me "stuck". Mostly my own moral code from years before where-in I said I would never cheat, nor divorce. These values were formed back when I didn't have a girlfriend, let alone being married and certainly not in a dysfunctional relationship and under those circumstances it was pretty easy to adhere to my theoretical morals. These values were formed on the facts as they were then - not the facts as they are NOW. When I put those values under the microscope, they didn't stand up to the scrutiny. I would say that this challenging of my values was some of the most difficult and painful tasks I ever undertook. It is quite distressing to discover that what you have thought "forever" might actually be wrong. My values were years out of date with current facts. So I'd say that my own thinking that kept me stuck. The turning point was when I finally saw the facts, that I was in a Financial Partnership, not a marriage. Then, my spouse started engaging in behaviors that threatened the well being of the Financial Partnership. The writing was on the wall with this development, the deal stumbled along another couple of years before collapsing. Dang Baz, I never realized we had so much in common.
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Jan 18, 2021 3:40:54 GMT -5
'Financial Partnership' ouch. I think you've got my marriage in a nutshell.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 18, 2021 6:57:55 GMT -5
What kept me stuck was obligation and my own determination to be kind and caring and make my marriage work.
I had several aha moments.
My first was in church, when the pastor gave a sermon series on sex. My wife and the rest of the congregation gave him a standing ovation, and I sat, dumbfounded, feeling alone in the crowd.
My second was realizing that my wife was disgusted by my best efforts to please her. After sex, she would curl up, not in spooning position, but more like in fetal position, and never wanted to talk about what she liked and what I could do to make things better.
My third was talking about sex with women on the internet, and realizing that I was desireable as were my ideas about sex. The "problem" was never me.
There were a few other key events but those were the big ones.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 18, 2021 8:10:44 GMT -5
I never had an "aha" moment. I was drug "kicking and screaming" to the conclusion that my now X simply did not want intimacy from me anymore. Menopause and not seeing me as an alpha male any longer killed our love life. Her constant refusing followed by a reset and a return to refusing again finally exasperated me to the point that I knew I was done trying. I took off my ring and started distancing myself from her. She followed suit and we talked out the steps toward a separation and divorce. That was 6 yrs ago. Happily since then I have done a bunch of dating and had several partners who enjoyed sex. I hope to return to those happy days when the pandemic eventually ends.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 18, 2021 10:35:32 GMT -5
My wife's frustration with herself kept me stuck.
She wanted space/no pressure. I gave her that. Nothing changed. She was unhappy with herself. She asked me to initiate and she found she was never wanting to accept. She didn't suggest bacon-scented candles, bless her. I would have called bullshit even then, since vacation sex didn't happen either. Romantic dinners were not conducive in any discernible way. I already did nearly all the chores so choreplay wasn't a possibility. (my wife has clinical depression and barely keeps her part-time job)
This was a bit of an "Aha!" moment since my wife had more or less come to the conclusion our intimacy was not under my control.
Either after this, or in between, I wondered if it was as bad as I thought and started tracking on the calendar. This quiet, subtle "Aha!" moment was a switch from frustration, rage, and resentment (as subdued as I was about them) to a migration towards curiosity and intrigue. I was asking questions from the perspective of an observer. After the fact, I see it was a distancing. Our marriage became a thing of its own. Not "my" marriage. "A" marriage.
2016 came and went racking up a grand total of four sessions and 2017 appeared to be on track for a similar score when in February I had "The Talk" that my wife didn't know was "The Talk". I spoke of "my problem" and she labeled it "our problem." (Nice one, babe.) The words I recall growling at the end were, "This will not stand."
May or June of 2017 was the "Aha!" moment that I'd determined that since nothing had changed, she didn't consider the problem to be serious. Nothing I'd say would wake her up. If I was to get intimacy again, it wasn't going to be with her. I began researching dating online. (profiles that sound good, messages that get replies, first dates that work best, discovering which sites worked best for married men)
A superb "Aha!" moment was the kindness and love I felt towards my wife now that I had removed her role of "jailer" from her. I was going to get sex and I still loved her. Why not treat her well in every way she liked? All the better when it came time to break the bad news. She had nothing reasonable to complain about in my behavior except that I had a mistress. If she still got upset, I wasn't going to entertain it. I was the only one who wanted sex. Begging for it was just stupid. She didn't want to give it to me. Another woman would be all too happy to provide. Why do I pester the one who's annoyed? Just madness! Imposed by a society stuck in unquestioned, moral platitudes. A one-size-fits-all philosophy that ends up being grotesquely unfair to an estimated 20% of couples through no one's fault (okay, deceitful refusers can be blamed). Bad traditions need not be valued or continued. So many bad ideas have been relegated to a backward past but this stinker just seems to hang on.
Acceptance of my invitation to a date was an "Aha!" moment that I was not stuck being mono-agamous. I was a prospect for other women open to adult company. My loneliness was not inevitable. It was a voluntary suffering.
My wife discovered my dating, which was her "Aha!" moment, quickly fleshed out by my refusal to deny it, nor any promise to stop. My wife's therapist got an "Aha!" moment when I stuck to my guns feeling justified in outsourcing after being told it was outlandish I should date while married.
Both my wife and therapist must have had an "Aha!" moment at some point because my wife reset HARD. We've been in reset ("remission"?) for over a year now. I've not been unfaithful bodily. Not even emotionally. I never got/needed a second date with either lady I saw.
I had the final "Aha!" that I'll mention late last year when I recognized that the twice monthly intimacy we had made me happy enough that waiting 'til one of us dies may well be okay by me. Will she agree to go the distance? I can wait.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 18, 2021 15:34:59 GMT -5
What kept me stuck: My moral code. I had committed to the marriage, such that I felt I'd not give up on it in any circumstance including her total non-participation. I picked up any slack as she pulled away. I kept my desire smouldering and my fantasies focused on her, so as to ensure at least one of us wanted the other. My HOPE that I'd stumble upon the magic formula while I bought time, kept me there. My sense that I could prove myself worthy enough that some cosmic justice would happen, kept me stuck. I'd show her the most amazing sex, the most devotion, the most tolerance of her increasing aggression and affairs - knowing she'd eventually wake up and realize that I deserved her love - that I'd earned it. Because who else would put up with such a shit show?
The turning point was when I finally saw that the behaviour and contempt I was tolerating in my marriage was not something I would tolerate on a first or second date.
The final catalyst was a pair of close-together vacations - a dream vacation and finally a simple weekender overnight a few hours away - where I observed other partners and my own - and saw the utter contempt and isolation in my relationship compared with the love, desire, excitement, care I observed with others. In a casual family restaurant, I saw an older couple just touch each other unnecessarily while sitting on the same side of the table to eat a burger and fries - and it all came clear. We agreed to separate that night. That was it.
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Post by h on Jan 20, 2021 15:33:03 GMT -5
My "aha" moment was finding this forum. I used to initiate but she rejected me with many different excuses. When she said she was too tired, I took on most of the household chores. When she said she had a hard time getting in the mood and she suggested buying toys and movies to spice things up. They sit in a drawer unused. When she said I was pressuring her, I stopped initiating entirely. When, after all this nothing changed, I bought marriage books for us to read together but she got offended and refused to read them. I sent her short articles but she ignored them. Then during my online searching, I stumbled across iliasm. I learned the terms "why chasing, resetting, gaslighting, darvo, and bacon scented candles." At this point I recognized the futility of expecting her to change. There was no point in hoping for the impossible.
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Post by blueguy on Mar 22, 2021 16:02:15 GMT -5
I know what my aha moment is, but I feel stuck because of moral commitments. Splitting up would devastate her since she only works part time in a job she loves. That and the thought of not seeing my kids every day. We get along everywhere else in our marriage except for the bedroom.
What I really miss, and can't even remember how it feels now, is fellatio. She absolutely refuses to do that as she finds the male anatomy disgusting to touch or have near her face. I also miss doing that to her as well and have to beg her to let me do oral with her. Afterwards she refuses to kiss me.
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Post by h on Mar 23, 2021 14:06:54 GMT -5
I know what my aha moment is, but I feel stuck because of moral commitments. Splitting up would devastate her since she only works part time in a job she loves. That and the thought of not seeing my kids every day. We get along everywhere else in our marriage except for the bedroom. What I really miss, and can't even remember how it feels now, is fellatio. She absolutely refuses to do that as she finds the male anatomy disgusting to touch or have near her face. I also miss doing that to her as well and have to beg her to let me do oral with her. Afterwards she refuses to kiss me. We could be married to the same person. She has never given me oral sex, ever. She doesn't like me doing it to her and won't let me kiss her afterwards if I do. She's not just disgusted with male anatomy, she's grossed out by her own. Only major difference is that she is employed full time. It's low pay for now but she's got interviews coming up so maybe she'll move up. When she does, we can afford to split and there are no kids to hurt in the process.
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Post by lwoetin on Mar 26, 2021 0:13:40 GMT -5
I'm glad you are managing your SM situation well, jerri. Is that you making out on the park bench? How dare he tell you 'you don't stimulate me!' Those are fighting words. My wife would not make it personal. She makes it general. Turning point for me is realizing it isn't me. She may not find me stimulating. But most women don't find me stimulating. I can handle that. But I am sure one or two in our big planet would. So my wife is not stimulated but she has to humor me, at least. So we draw a line on the sand of what we absolutely need in marriage.
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