currie94
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Posts: 3
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by currie94 on Jan 15, 2021 22:25:22 GMT -5
I am a female who’s husband does not want to be intimate with me. We have been married for 9 years. This was always a bit lacking especially since having kids and is always my fault. I am dyyyying! We have two children under age 7. On our honeymoon in Hawaii, I was told “I’m not a college kid” in a super abrupt tone bc I just assumed that in the honeymoon, we would be intimate each night. I am mid forties, and he is early fifties. Don’t think he is crafty or tech savvy enough to have an affair. Also a creature of routine so that would shake things up way too much for him to handle. Have also been told that “women’s bodies change after having children” 3 months postpartum and also that he looks at me as a mom now and “not his hot GF”. That was years ago. Now it’s that “we haven’t been getting along” (even though nothing about that has changed, it’s always been up and down). I can go to him so humbly and nicely to ask and am told that I just push back the time because talking about it doesn’t make him want to. I also know that he releases by looking at porn once on average per week (which he denies but I’m not fool and know what he looks at in private mode). Have said try coming to me instead of that. Always a different excuse. I wouldn’t hate that so much if it didn’t replace me. I just need touch and physical interaction SO BAD! I am way more physically charged than him. Kills my self esteem and confidence and faith in our relationship. All things I have tried to discuss but doesn’t care obviously enough about my feelings to work on it. Feeling so defeated. For the record, I am pretty average! Not overweight but not super fit either. Even when I was really fit having time to go to the gym, it made very little difference to him. I have been married one other time before and not seeing my kids half the time so I am in it to stay. So so sad. Oh and he doesn’t have a medical or testosterone issue. I just think that his drive is naturally low!
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 15, 2021 23:12:15 GMT -5
The starting position in most of these things is "My partner's drive must be low." They think this even though the low drive person has a lot of self stimulation and a porn habit. Later on, they discover an affair, or if not - after the separation - the person hits the dating scene hard.
You have two kids, and married 9 years - may I ask when/where the sex dropped off?
There's a lot in your story so far that feels familiar to me (the honeymoon situation, the age situation). The epilogue of my marriage was (as I see it) that while there was love, she never actually wanted to be married to me, and felt trapped by the marriage and by me. Not my fault that she said Yes when she should have said No, but that's what it is. So, when suddenly she became a prude literally on our honeymoon, and an enormous bitch for a few months, and then twice mentioned a plan to move to another country to be a busker and visit occasionally, and that her biggest fear with kids was that she would be having to raise them alone - I didn't put that all together. So, wedding, buying a house, preggo 1 and preggo 2 - each step of investment made her rebel more, and increase her contempt.
It wasn't low libido at all. And I've found on the divorced dating scene - it rarely ever is. The lack of sex is a result of the disconnection becoming so great that it has moved beyond indifference and collapsed into aversion. People can say "Why not?" if they are indifferent to sex. I have. It's pretty easy. The stories we see hear aren't about low drive and indifference. It's about people who find it extremely important NOT to have sex with their partner.
you aren't wrong or perverse to want and expect physical intimacy in a marriage. I think you both would likely agree that neither of you took a celibacy vow, and likely wouldn't have taken one, when you wed. It will ultimately have to come down to your husband joining you in marriage. You've had the wedding, but it sounds like he hasn't arrived in your marriage yet - he's gone the other way. You wont' be able to do a marriage alone - you can't do his part. It's an incredibly difficult realization to understand the scale and trajectory of such a serious problem.
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currie94
New Member
Posts: 3
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by currie94 on Jan 15, 2021 23:21:31 GMT -5
His drive has always been lower than mine. I remember being in a hotel while dating and really wanting to and he wouldn’t take the initiative. I would say really unusually low after having our first child. I just don’t think it is unreasonable to try once per week. It’s literally been months in that I can’t remember the last time. When it does happen, there is very little effort made, and it’s really not that satisfying because he won’t do any of the things I love. And now I know I have to live with that always and am so hurt. Also I am a southern traditional gal and need to feel pursued and that he takes the lead occasionally. After so many times being turned down, it becomes a blow to my self confidence and he doesn’t care.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 15, 2021 23:35:03 GMT -5
Welcome, currie94, to the club nobody wants to be a member of. First off, self esteem. It's not you. You don't need to question your desirability, but you do need to question your relationship, because you have made it clear you have needs and expectations, and, using lack of action, he has made it clear that your needs do not matter to him. That's not love, that's not respectful. Porn addiction is a very real thing. He may be so addicted to his online harem that he needs professional help to reprogram his synapses. Of course, you can't make him change. He has to want to change. It doesn't sound like that is going to happen. After children, he may also be experiencing "madonna-whore syndrome". You can look that up and see if it applies. It's also an up-hill battle to fix. So, you know what you have if you stay, and you are not leaving for the sake of the kids. You have three options available. 1) Stay and be miserable. 2) Stay, and negotiate an open relationship where you can get your needs met, or, 3) stay, and get your needs met without permission. All three options are valid, and your sense of ethics may not be in line, yet, with your predicament. If sex inside a marriage is not important, logically, sex outside a marriage is not important, either. I'm very comfortable saying that, but the "me" of five years ago would be very condemning of that. So young, so naive. We learn.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 16, 2021 0:21:51 GMT -5
His drive has always been lower than mine. I remember being in a hotel while dating and really wanting to and he wouldn’t take the initiative. I would say really unusually low after having our first child. I just don’t think it is unreasonable to try once per week. It’s literally been months in that I can’t remember the last time. When it does happen, there is very little effort made, and it’s really not that satisfying because he won’t do any of the things I love. And now I know I have to live with that always and am so hurt. Also I am a southern traditional gal and need to feel pursued and that he takes the lead occasionally. After so many times being turned down, it becomes a blow to my self confidence and he doesn’t care. Hello, and sorry you find yourself here today. If he looks at porn once a week, then his libido isn't broken, and weekly sex is not unreasonable. I will also say, if you know he looks at porn once a week, probably triple that to get a more realistic number. A crushed self-confidence is what a refuser wants in you. You'll keep quiet, feeling too ashamed to speak up and undesirable to others, lessening the chance that you will leave.
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Post by baza on Jan 16, 2021 0:33:18 GMT -5
It reads like that his reticence and/or inability to engage you sexually has been there over the whole history Sister currie94 . Sorry to see you here - but welcome. You mention above that in your opinion you - "just don’t think it is unreasonable to try once per week" - and for most people that seems reasonable. But if you are hooked up with a bloke who doesn't want to sexually connect with you at all and would prefer to whack off to porn, then "once a week" IS actually not a reasonable goal at all. Your chances of having a robust sex life with this bloke are extremely slim. That doesn't make him a bad bloke, nor does it make you a sex fiend - but what it does do is reveal a huge chasm between 'what you want' and 'what he wants'. Is it a dealbreaker for you ?
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 16, 2021 1:43:55 GMT -5
Porn addiction is a very real thing. I don't really think it is, 99% of the time - at least not to the degree that the help industry does. There certainly is no indication from anything said here to indicate a porn addiction. Looking at porn, even a lot, doesn't mean a porn addiction. Taking away porn doesn't mean that sex magically appears again. Was there porn on the honeymoon? It's not the porn's fault that these people don't have a mutual sexual relationship. I'm not certain how it is helpful to try to medicalize what's almost always the product of a relationship or personal dynamic, as if it's some external thing like a disease that has taken over.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 16, 2021 1:52:35 GMT -5
Porn addiction is a very real thing. I don't really think it is, 99% of the time - at least not to the degree that the help industry does. There certainly is no indication from anything said here to indicate a porn addiction. Looking at porn, even a lot, doesn't mean a porn addiction. Taking away porn doesn't mean that sex magically appears again. Was there porn on the honeymoon? It's not the porn's fault that these people don't have a mutual sexual relationship. I'm not certain how it is helpful to try to medicalize what's almost always the product of a relationship or personal dynamic, as if it's some external thing like a disease that has taken over. I believe you theorized that he was likely hiding his porn usage, and it might be three times a week. If he is hiding it, and going to it instead of her, my assumption is that his neural pathways are programmed for the instant reward. It's no guarantee, but that is where I am drawing my assumption. You are absolutely right that there are bigger problems present, with or without the porn.
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Post by jerri on Jan 16, 2021 1:58:12 GMT -5
My H masturbates prone which is about 13% of the population. Some masturbate with way too much pressure and they get ruined.
H had plenty of excuses and in order for me to go away and not try to fix it, the excuses get extreme. I thought if l just found the best technique, we would be golden. It was worse than having a roommate because roommates can walk out of the door and have a delicious time, come back and sleep soundly. I was very lonely and was at the end of my rope.I lovingly told him I would be stepping out of the marrige for sex. Then I had to reprogram myself. Little over a year, I found a man who was tons of fun in the sack! My husband hated him and he would smoke these briskets for him! 9 yrs later, still cooking for us and comes to my city for business 3x a week. When I want sex l pick up the phone. I love them both dearly! They are both fun in their own ways.
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Post by baza on Jan 16, 2021 4:05:46 GMT -5
For the sake of arguement, I will agree that "porn addiction is a real thing" What I do NOT see is how this helps Sister currie94 . Let us say that Mister currie94 is addicted to porn. Let us also say that Mr currie94 wants to kick the habit. Let's further speculate that he kicks the porn habit. Let us imagine that having kicked the porn he then develops a hankering for real life females. Let's imagine that maybe he starts to focus on a specific woman. On what basis would you figure that the woman might be our Sister currie94 ? All this, on top of the fact that he may not regard his porn addiction as something he wants to do anything about. He may be quite happy being a solo-sexual and twanging himself off. It's worked for him for years. In short - He may not want to give up his solo-sexuality, which leaves Sister currie94 disenfranchised. But if he did give up the porn, there is not necessarily any benefit to flow on to Sister currie94, she'd still be just as disenfranchised.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 16, 2021 8:15:39 GMT -5
welcome to the group currie94. Sorry you find yourself here. It's been said already but I'll reinforce what's already been said. The problem isn't you. All of us here have been or are currently where you are right now. We had (have) partners who aren't interested in intimacy with us. If you have done much reading here you have already found that many if not most of us are physically attractive enough that we draw attention from those around us who are interested in intimacy, just not from our partners. Re-establishing sex within a SM is a rare bird. There are only a handful of cases here where it has happened so the odds are against you. You are committed to the marriage for the long haul, or at least until the kids are ready to leave the nest. This leaves you with basically the 3 options already expressed above. Stay, leave, stay and outsource. You know what the staying option is like. You are living it now. The leaving is probably the toughest option, especially with young children in the mix. A # of the ladies here, jerri, baseball girl, surfergirl to name a few, have been successful in working out an open marriage agreement with their H's.(option 3) Perhaps something along those lines might be something you could consider discussing with your H if you think he might be receptive to that. Lastly what kind of porn does he prefer? Anything along the kink line? If that's the case, perhaps you might prick his interest with something like roleplaying or a 3 some if that's what he prefers, provided you are willing to engage in those activities.
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Post by sadkat on Jan 16, 2021 12:06:50 GMT -5
Hello currie94I’m sorry you find yourself here. It’s not easy loving a porn addict. I recently finalized a divorce from my porn addicted h. The process was very easy, actually. On the other hand, making the decision to leave was excruciatingly difficult. I understand your dilemma. There are no easy answers. Here are facts I know to be true. Porn addiction is real It is almost impossible to “recover” from porn addiction. Those who are successful, undergo intensive and long term sex therapy. Recovery doesn’t mean a “magical sex life”. That’s a sad truth. It took me years to accept that sex was over between h and me. I struggled for years to get my h to desire me again. Those who advise you to “perform sex acts he watches with porn” have obviously not lived with a sex addict. The only advice I will offer is to seek a good therapist. Unwrap all that self loathing and anger; the confusion over why h doesn’t desire you; the panic at the thought of never being able to experience sex again. Find the woman that you were before him. Only then will you be able to make an informed decision about what to do next. I separated from my h in September 2019. I have a grown son who is out of the house. My biggest struggle before I decided to separate was that I felt a great deal of love for my h. It clouded my judgment. Therapy helped me understand that love for someone doesn’t mean you should stay in a bad relationship. Today, I still have love for my ex-h but I no longer live with him. After that first year of separation, where we each had to adjust to a new way of life, we are building a stronger, more fulfilling friendship. The most valuable lesson I’ve learned is that separation and divorce do not have to be filled with animosity and hatred. You can continue to have love for your spouse- you don’t have to continue living sexless. Please feel free to pm me if you need support. I’ll gladly be that listening ear. I know what you’re going through.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jan 16, 2021 15:51:26 GMT -5
Anecdotally, I have been perusing porn since I was about 14 (I think). I used it the whole time I have been married and I have to say I never once turned my wife down for sex because of porn - if she was asking for sex, then she needed sex and it was my job as a husband to keep her satisfied even if i had just finished choking the chicken. I just wish she felt the same way about keeping me satisfied. You are not the one using porn. You are not the one who will not satisfy their spouse. You are not the one who makes lame excuses for not having intimate relations. in other words, it's not you - it's him! Good luck to you and I hope you find peace.
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Jan 16, 2021 16:32:09 GMT -5
Hello Currie, You are not alone xx I'm married to a man who is a 'porn addict' ; my H has said he needs at least 1 orgasm a day (occasionally more!) even now at the age of 63. My H doesn't want *no* sex, he just doesn't appear to want sex with me. But I'm starting to believe that for some men, *sex* and *porn/wank/etc* are 2 different things.
I wish I had some definitive answer or words of wisdom or comfort for you, but I don't. you just have my empathy- I know how it feels.
(After a huge blow-up about the problem, I'm in a 'reset' so I am currently having a sex-life ,but I've no idea how long this will last)
Just remember, as some of the others on here have said, *you* are not the problem here. Don't beat yourself up about what is NOT your fault; that way madness lies. (or at least clinical depression: been there!)
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currie94
New Member
Posts: 3
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by currie94 on Jan 16, 2021 22:34:18 GMT -5
Thank you all for your encouragement and advice. I won’t step outside of the marriage (not judging others that do, I just can’t and neither of us would agree to that). I just can’t understand why if you truly love someone, you wouldn’t put forth the effort. I guess that’s my answer! It would be such a great stress reliever and help us to connect and be closer. I feel so defeated!
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