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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 3, 2021 22:58:44 GMT -5
It's fascinating the way I look at the threads now. It won't be soon but... I think k I have chosen to leave. My son kept me up till 4am last night, it was his birthday yesterday and yet he stayed up late to talk with me. He said "let me help you". I realized that although he is my son he wants me happy and I feel ready in a way I never felt before. Ready to chose to leave. I have a lot to do to untie 26 years... but... its not impossible. Now if only I can keep this energy..........
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Post by baza on Jan 4, 2021 1:14:43 GMT -5
Once you get to a point where you've seen your lawyer, got the information about how a divorce would shake out for you, have your support network shored up, and have a plan how you'll shepherd your minor kids (or dependent kids) through the process, then, you have the factual data upon which you can make a fully informed choice. It is bloody hard work to get to this pivotal point. You've done well to get up to this point Sister sweetplumeria .
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 4, 2021 1:29:06 GMT -5
Once you get to a point where you've seen your lawyer, got the information about how a divorce would shake out for you, have your support network shored up, and have a plan how you'll shepherd your minor kids (or dependent kids) through the process, then, you have the factual data upon which you can make a fully informed choice. It is bloody hard work to get to this pivotal point. You've done well to get up to this point Sister sweetplumeria . Thank you so much Baz, I have been a long time coming to this point as you know. I am fascinated by the friends along the way who have been essentially useless, and the one who bolster me to be more, be my best and help me no matter what my decision. I know its my decision but feeling supported is huge. I am not sure people outside of this kind of situation fully understand what life is like for us in the silent marriage killer, ILIASM. I plan to see a lawyer but my son kept me up till 4 am and I learned so many things from hi. I didn't know. It broke my heart.
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Post by jerri on Jan 25, 2021 3:14:33 GMT -5
Any updates, Sweet?
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 28, 2021 2:53:56 GMT -5
No. I am scared. Trying to know where to begin is more than a daunting task. I realized recently in a conversation with my mother that I don't have her support. It never occurred to me that my own mother wouldn't be on my side. I suppose wanting me to have financial security is her way of being on my side. I kinda felt like I had the wind knocked out of me for a while. I have been fighting apathy and depression to the point that I have been worried about myself. I just don't know where to find support. There is one person who is very supportive and he would love to marry me. Frankly the offer is tempting. I am tired of fighting constantly. I am just flat out tired. I don't know how I am gonna do this.
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Jan 28, 2021 3:36:32 GMT -5
No. I am scared. Trying to know where to begin is more than a daunting task. I realized recently in a conversation with my mother that I don't have her support. It never occurred to me that my own mother wouldn't be on my side. I suppose wanting me to have financial security is her way of being on my side. I kinda felt like I had the wind knocked out of me for a while. I have been fighting apathy and depression to the point that I have been worried about myself. I just don't know where to find support. There is one person who is very supportive and he would love to marry me. Frankly the offer is tempting. I am tired of fighting constantly. I am just flat out tired. I don't know how I am gonna do this. Oh lord. chin up Sweet ((hug)) I'm not 100% sure your mother is 'anti' for financial reasons : some parents have a very 'old fashioned' view of staying in bad marriages.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 28, 2021 6:46:05 GMT -5
No. I am scared. Trying to know where to begin is more than a daunting task. I realized recently in a conversation with my mother that I don't have her support. It never occurred to me that my own mother wouldn't be on my side. I suppose wanting me to have financial security is her way of being on my side. I kinda felt like I had the wind knocked out of me for a while. I have been fighting apathy and depression to the point that I have been worried about myself. I just don't know where to find support. There is one person who is very supportive and he would love to marry me. Frankly the offer is tempting. I am tired of fighting constantly. I am just flat out tired. I don't know how I am gonna do this. Sorry to hear about the depression. My wife's family is riddled with it and my daughters took the hit too. Fatigue is huge. I say depression is the one disease that stops you from trying to get better. I've heard other ILIASM members feel daunted by the undertaking of separation. Baza's advice can focus things. He doesn't say, "Get Divorced" he says check in with a lawyer and see how a divorce will shake out for you in your area. That's one thing....not the avalanche o' crap that a divorce entails and is so scary. Bite sized pieces can make up progress and progress is often helpful for mood. This, assuming divorce ends up being the answer. If legal routes are too dark to consider, perhaps planning for where you'd like to live provides a sense of adventure. Perhaps you can manage to have dessert first and you'd want to juice the social aspects of your life. Meetup groups, clubs, catching up with friends, platonic dates with that guy lining up to be your next husband (dating can cause emotional upheaval, so do self check-ins. 'Does this make sense for me?') . Living as if you're single because you might be one day. As you take baby steps, more obvious paths may come into view or just present themselves by serendipity. Moving in the direction you think you want to be going can help, even if it's slow. It provides a sense of control. A lack of control is stressful and demoralizing. Apologies if this is all too familiar broken-record kind of stuff.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 28, 2021 10:45:54 GMT -5
jerri: "I have been fighting apathy and depression to the point that I have been worried about myself. I"
Therapy -- with the best therapist you can afford. I looked for a woman therapist experienced with working with women with midlife issues. I had to pay out of pocket since the therapist I picked didn't take my insurance. It was worth it. When I entered therapy, I had no plans of divorcing, just knew I was deeply depressed. Over the course of therapy, I rediscovered myself, got help -- therapeutic and pharmacological-- for my depression, established interests and friendships independent of my husband. Finally, I realized that what I wanted was a divorce. My husband was amenable (it ended up that he was involved in a relationship with a woman whose child he thought he'd fathered!). Emotionally, the only hard part of my divorce for me was doing the financial paperwork, something that is anxiety-provoking for me even for things as minor as office expense accounts. I brought my paperwork into my therapy session and started working on it there, which helped a great deal. I also got help from a friend who is a finance professor. So, my advice is don't try to do it all alone, get the therapeutic help you need and allow yourself the time to get into the emotional state in which you can proceed with the divorce. And, BTW, I did all of that without any help from the people here because I didn't discover ILIASM's predecessor, Experience Project, until 2 weeks after my divorce was final. You are fortunate to have the support, advice, and empathy of people who've walked through your shoes.
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Post by jerri on Jan 28, 2021 17:44:33 GMT -5
@deadzone look above^^^^^^ The program is putting the wrong name with the quote. Remember when it happened to you?
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 29, 2021 3:41:21 GMT -5
Northstarmom, I agree with you completely.
I have been resistant to therapy. Maybe afraid of what I will find out there. However it's probably time. I can't keep the current status.
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