Post by snowman12345 on Dec 9, 2020 21:48:52 GMT -5
Today my wife learned that her brother is seriously ill. Following surgery today he was sent to ICU and seemed pretty bad. Not COVID related, but due to hospital rules she was not able to go see him. She is very upset and rightly so. She actually reached out and tried to touch me, wanted some reassurance that I would comfort her. I feel a bit guilty for pulling away and backing out of her embrace. It was the first time she has reached out for me physically in 8 or 9 years. I was surprised by it, but also by my reaction to her touch. I feel bad for her (and worse for her brother). I just don't seem to have it in me to care about her needs anymore. We live in the same house. Sleep in the same bed. Eat the same meals and love the same people. But we just seem to pass each other by with a wave and a nod and go about our days. Life is full of fucked up surprises.
I think that - if someone has been treating you with indifference over a period - it is just about guaranteed that you'll eventually start to withdraw from them. Probably out of self protection as much as anything else. And that, is pretty likely to become your "normal" after a while.
I dunno too many people capable of the rapid gear-shift that would be involved in the scenario you describe. Going from 'largely ignored spouse' to 'supportive spouse' is a bloody big leap. Particularly when you know that when the dust settles and life moves on, you'll be relegated back to 'largely ignored spouse' as soon as its' convenient.
This is completely understandable. After so many years (or decades) of withdrawing as part of a self-preservation effort I would also find it difficult to suddenly flip the switch back on. My wife doesn't really accept comforting anyway so it would really shock me if she sought any in any form.
She wants a hug, it's not too late to give her one. It doesn't need to be heartfelt. I wonder if she felt guilty when she decided to no longer give you hugs. You decide what is good for you, and be good to you.
On the other hand your reaction is quite normal. I agree with everyone, we withdraw and at some point don't even want their hugs any longer. She wants to be comforted but has pushed you away so much that she's a stranger that you no longer recognize.
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jerri: Anyone with a birthday in November? worksforme2 has one on the 28th Yay!! @missunnybunny, Hope it was grand!!!
Oct 30, 2021 3:29:31 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: jerri, I had a wonderful birthday, thank you! Wishing everyone here a Happy Halloween!
Oct 31, 2021 15:29:33 GMT -5
worksforme2: Moving right along,..received my 1st Moderna booster this morning,...Fauci is going to have to work harder to kill me
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worksforme2: Happy Birthday tiredoftears,.....I hope life is treating you well....
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mirrororchid: It begins again. *REFUSED* Season 2 - refusedpodcast.com - Trailer and Episode 14 "Only So Good", now available for download.
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worksforme2: Hey mirrororchid,....Happy Birthday...and don't try to get out of it
Nov 11, 2021 12:31:11 GMT -5
mirrororchid: Much thanks, WorksForMe2. T'was pretty good. Little celebrations three days in a row, this year.
Nov 12, 2021 4:32:23 GMT -5
jerri: worksforme2 you paint a lovely picture and Happy Birthday on the 28th!! Let's don't forget his birthday he looks for ours up here almost every day! Thanks, mirrororchid.
Nov 17, 2021 3:34:35 GMT -5
worksforme2: Happy Birthday baza, I hope you can dodge the lockdown long enough to go out for dinner....
Nov 22, 2021 8:44:29 GMT -5
jerri: Happy Birthday, Baza!!!! yay
Nov 23, 2021 3:12:48 GMT -5
worksforme2: Happy Thanksgiving to one and all...
Nov 25, 2021 7:27:40 GMT -5
jerri: Happy Birthday, worksforme2 Hope it's a great one!!!
Nov 28, 2021 3:54:39 GMT -5
worksforme2: Thanks jerri....I will be preparing meals for a food ministry that my church helps sponsor...
Nov 28, 2021 11:49:30 GMT -5
mirrororchid: Missed it by a day, Jerri. (I'm typically offline weekends.) Happy Birthday, WorksForMe2. Thank you for the kind wishes you send to everyone in our dysfunctional-but-getting-better family.
Nov 29, 2021 4:46:45 GMT -5
worksforme2: Thanks mirrororchid..I'm having my extendeen famil over thius weekend for Thanksgiving, no competition with the moms and grandmoms that way....the bad part, giving the whole house a good cleaning so the kids can play all over the place
Nov 30, 2021 5:02:35 GMT -5
mirrororchid: WorksForMe2, Our cleanup just got junked up by piling Xmas decorations everywhere in living room. Difficult come, easy go.
Dec 6, 2021 12:49:48 GMT -5