|
Post by mirrororchid on Jan 5, 2021 7:13:48 GMT -5
I have a hard time having sympathy for my wife because most of her 'hardships' are self inflicted. I have tried offering her ideas to help change her circumstances but she doesn't want to change. For example, she often does things in her job in very inefficient ways for no other reason than that is the way she has always done them. There is no reason why she does them in that particular way and no reason why she can't change the process because she is mostly in charge of what process she uses. She ends up bringing home massive amounts of work that takes up far too much time and there is no extra pay for doing this work at home as it is a salaried position. As long as it gets done, her employer doesn't care where it is done or how long it takes. I've given her several possible ways to streamline this work and cut down on the time spent by automating some of it, but she refused to try new things (a problem of hers that spans her work, home life, and the bedroom). For a while, I tried helping her with her work so she would have more time for me but that just resulted in me losing free time and gaining nothing from it. I stopped offering to help her and if she's up late doing work, that's her problem now. I'm not going to feel sorry for her when she brings it on herself. Does she like her job? Refusing to adopt better methods may be a sign she finds comfort in routine. Not OCD, perhaps, but when you have a workflow, it's a ritual you don't think about. A zone where the mind can drift. This can be useful to put thoughts out of one's mind if one's thoughts are troublesome. This can be an attractive reason to stay. A new job means all new processes which is the antithesis of the comfortable zone rituals. I know I worry about succeeding in a new environment so I do not job hop even though I might do better financially if I did. Her good worker drone habits may encourage heaping more and more work on her, preventing the need for the company to staff itself adequately. Fewer people, fewer salaries, more profit. Your wife may mean serious cash for her boss. There may be nothing to do about this abuse, but it may be important to you. A financial hit may be enough to push her to a job that will reward her for her unpaid overtime. Your suggestions for improvement may feed an inferiority complex if she has one. "He disapproves of how I do things. I'm unworthy." which is unsexy. Feeling bad about ourselves is unhelpful. None of this helps the SM and it may be old news to you. If so, apologies for putting on my Captain Obvious cape.
|
|
|
Post by deadzone75 on Jan 9, 2021 2:11:38 GMT -5
I would never wish illness on my W, but when it comes to any other hardships, sure. I'm not proud of it, but there has always been a bit of "gee, I'd like to help or listen, but you know, fuck you...I'm busy being horny and resentful and you betrayed me, so what's my incentive to talk about this subject?" Starting dating made me deeply care about my wife's problems again. She was going to let me get laid or find herself divorced. In both cases, kindness was appropriate. She'd be sorting through a lot. She surprised me with a reset instead. A pretty good one. I was okay with all three. Maybe you gotta date? Getting laid makes us happy. Happy people are much better listeners/helpers. Indeed, but I learned from my M that sex isn't good enough. Even though I was lamenting not getting laid, I can vividly recall the last two times we had sex, and they were two of the worst sexual experiences of my life. We are talking bad sex, and even worse post-sex blues. While my brain screams "I gotta get laid, man!", I know it needs to be with someone who is legitimately into me. The last few encounters left me feeling more resentful and less willing to listen to or care about her problems.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Jan 11, 2021 6:05:45 GMT -5
Starting dating made me deeply care about my wife's problems again. She was going to let me get laid or find herself divorced. In both cases, kindness was appropriate. She'd be sorting through a lot. She surprised me with a reset instead. A pretty good one. I was okay with all three. Maybe you gotta date? Getting laid makes us happy. Happy people are much better listeners/helpers. Indeed, but I learned from my M that sex isn't good enough. Even though I was lamenting not getting laid, I can vividly recall the last two times we had sex, and they were two of the worst sexual experiences of my life. We are talking bad sex, and even worse post-sex blues. While my brain screams "I gotta get laid, man!", I know it needs to be with someone who is legitimately into me. The last few encounters left me feeling more resentful and less willing to listen to or care about her problems. Totally get that. Question is, would outsourcing provide good sex. With whatever else you need form it (emotional connection, enthusiasm, adventurous spirit, etc.) make the rest of the marriage tolerable. Many here (and you seem to be one of them) see the lack of sex/bad sex as a symptom of a overall dysfunctional dynamic. Others seem to have compatible roommates with well synched schedules. Thoughtful in most ways but the one that brings us here. I'll drop the subject with sympathy since outsourcing seems to be irrelevant to your case.
|
|
|
Post by deadzone75 on Jan 11, 2021 12:44:08 GMT -5
Indeed, but I learned from my M that sex isn't good enough. Even though I was lamenting not getting laid, I can vividly recall the last two times we had sex, and they were two of the worst sexual experiences of my life. We are talking bad sex, and even worse post-sex blues. While my brain screams "I gotta get laid, man!", I know it needs to be with someone who is legitimately into me. The last few encounters left me feeling more resentful and less willing to listen to or care about her problems. Totally get that. Question is, would outsourcing provide good sex. With whatever else you need form it (emotional connection, enthusiasm, adventurous spirit, etc.) make the rest of the marriage tolerable. Many here (and you seem to be one of them) see the lack of sex/bad sex as a symptom of a overall dysfunctional dynamic. Others seem to have compatible roommates with well synched schedules. Thoughtful in most ways but the one that brings us here. I'll drop the subject with sympathy since outsourcing seems to be irrelevant to your case. I have outsourced, several years back. I received, at long last, all of those things you mentioned above, not the least of which was being in tune with another human being for a moment in time. The sex was wonderful, but I was overthinking it the whole time. Instead of letting go and just savoring every moment, my trained mind was carefully measuring every step. Will she like this? Can I do this? Should I ask first? Instead of simply making love, it felt as if I were performing open-heart surgery.
|
|