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Post by ScottDinTN on Dec 7, 2020 19:22:02 GMT -5
Does/has any others here found it hard to have sympathy for your refusing spouse when they are going thru hardships unrelated to the bedroom?
My wife is going thru an illness that is becoming chronic. Some times I wonder if it could eventually end her life. I care for her and don’t want to see her suffer, but at the same time I can’t say I am heart broken over it.
Maybe its because I have fantasied a time or two about becoming a widower; I’m not proud of that. I see movies where a spouse is crying and feel like their life has fallen apart because they lost the love of their life. If I cried, it would be for the kids losing their Mom.
Maybe when you turn your heart off to loving someone it waters down other emotions too.
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Post by baza on Dec 7, 2020 20:17:47 GMT -5
I have "sort of" been in this picture Brother ScottDinTN . Although I left her in 2009 - and had been on ok terms with her after the initial kerfuffle, she died suddenly and unexpectedly in 2015. If my experience is anything to go on - be prepared to still get hit like a ton of bricks if she cashes in her chips. I hope Brother obobfla will weigh in on this, he's the most recent case I can think of where he suddenly became "not married any more" by way of his missus deceasement.
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Post by obobfla on Dec 7, 2020 23:05:29 GMT -5
Having been through a refusing spouse going through a long illness and eventually succumbing to it, I can relate to your thoughts. I sometimes thought about becoming a widower before I became one. But now that I am one, I wish my wife was alive and we were divorced. I do not wish widowhood on anyone.
Yes, I’ve moved on and am in a steady relationship. I’ve had more sex in the last year than I had in my entire marriage. But I miss my parenting partner. When my son makes me proud, like his first football game, the happiness is deadened by the sadness that his mother is not there. Some of my son’s friends are divorced, but they show up and support their kids. They cheer together, focusing on their child, not their relationship. I envy them.
I’m sorry to see you go through this. It’s hard riding the roller coaster of wondering whether your wife will make it or not. But do all you can to be there for you and your kids. Seek out the palliative care staff at wherever she is hospitalized to help you and your family. As tough as it gets, be there for her and your kids. As bad as it is for you, it’s worse for them. If she dies, you will have less regrets.
If she passes, you and your kids will go through an emotional blender. There is going to be a big empty space she’s going to leave behind. I’ve been through anger, guilt, relief, and sadness since my wife died. My son and I are ok now, but we found a great grief counseling center where we live. At times, I feel my wife possess me. Even though my son is 18, I still make him breakfast. It’s what she would do.
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Post by alwaysdenied on Dec 8, 2020 13:35:43 GMT -5
I don't necessarily wish I was a widower, but I do feel like my wife needs to witness some hardships to make her a little more grateful than she is. I don't really take her suicide threats/talk seriously anymore though. I've stopped her once when she was raging from leaving. I made up my mind that I won't ever again stop her from leaving. I couldn't imagine my life and wife with a real sickness though. She's already a basket case as it is.
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Post by isthisit on Dec 8, 2020 15:50:49 GMT -5
Maybe its because I have fantasied a time or two about becoming a widower; I’m not proud of that. ^^^You're not alone.^^^ No you most certainly are not. H recently tested positive for covid and has symptoms at nuisance level only. Alongside being relatively young, fit and well there is no cause for concern. I am taking good care of him and he is appreciative of it. However, none of the above stopped me from idly speculating about how many of my current and future difficulties would vanish should be suddenly take a turn for the worse and shuffle off this mortal coil. I do not wish for it, but I am not blind to the advantages to me. Perhaps that makes me a terrible person, but it is the truth. As described by ScottDinTN my main concern would be for the children at losing their dad. Perhaps I would be blindsided by grief, but that man put me through the emotional blender (and I was daft enough to let him) so I reckon I would bounce back fairly speedily.
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 8, 2020 16:45:59 GMT -5
Marital dysfunction gets you thinking strange thoughts, the more you have to twist the what's evident to uphold a narrative in which you can feel like you have a marriage between two people.
I alternately used to have daydreams that felt much like I feel about a lottery ticket today - that somehow a meteor would fly out of the sky and kill one of us in a painless instant (usually me). I didn't dream of dying - but I dreamed of being dead - mainly as a route to standing outside all of this without having to muddle through it.
Much better now.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Dec 9, 2020 1:42:37 GMT -5
I alternately used to have daydreams that felt much like I feel about a lottery ticket today - that somehow a meteor would fly out of the sky and kill one of us in a painless instant (usually me). I didn't dream of dying - but I dreamed of being dead - mainly as a route to standing outside all of this without having to muddle through it. Much better now. I know how you feel. There was a time I felt the same way. Didn’t want to hurt myself but wouldn’t mind for one of us to be dead just to put and end to it. That’s when I knew I had to start making changes since I knew she never would. My life is far from ideal but it is much better than it was. Part of my answer was turning off my heart to her so she could never hurt me again. It takes time but I’ve made a lot of progress. Its probably part of why I feel the way I do. I’m sure turning off romantic love and physical desire for her is why it is harder to have sympathy for her now.
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Post by jerri on Dec 9, 2020 2:17:50 GMT -5
Does/has any others here found it hard to have sympathy for your refusing spouse when they are going thru hardships unrelated to the bedroom? My wife is going thru an illness that is becoming chronic. Some times I wonder if it could eventually end her life. I care for her and don’t want to see her suffer, but at the same time I can’t say I am heart broken over it. Maybe its because I have fantasied a time or two about becoming a widower; I’m not proud of that. I see movies where a spouse is crying and feel like their life has fallen apart because they lost the love of their life. If I cried, it would be for the kids losing their Mom. Maybe when you turn your heart off to loving someone it waters down other emotions too. Yes, and that's normal according to psychologists. I got to where I just didn't care what happened. My reaction may have changed if he had gotten ill when I first chose to date outside the M. Last year my H got very ill and we thought he was going to die. The doctor said he could go on a trial, but it may not work and he would have to sign ... I got so scared I started trying to read research. It was very slow, then I decided to research what the best naturopathic doctors were doing. Fast forward...it worked and his doctor said yes, I have heard of that, but we are not allowed to do anything that isn't protocol. We were very grateful and sprung into action. I think one of the articles said it was normal fantasy, but it would not be normal to act out if there was a chance for revenge during a divorce. Link: normal to have fantasy of spouses death multiple articles
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 9, 2020 17:43:39 GMT -5
No you most certainly are not. H recently tested positive for covid and has symptoms at nuisance level only. Alongside being relatively young, fit and well there is no cause for concern. I am taking good care of him and he is appreciative of it. However, none of the above stopped me from idly speculating about how many of my current and future difficulties would vanish should be suddenly take a turn for the worse and shuffle off this mortal coil. I do not wish for it, but I am not blind to the advantages to me. Perhaps that makes me a terrible person, but it is the truth. As described by ScottDinTN my main concern would be for the children at losing their dad. Perhaps I would be blindsided by grief, but that man put me through the emotional blender (and I was daft enough to let him) so I reckon I would bounce back fairly speedily. isthisit gets pretty close. I looked after both my depressed daughter and wife. Then my daughter completed suicide. Life is notably easier. I'm also not overcome by guilt thinking I should be doing more for her. I don't like having my life improve by losing someone I care for. Neither of us liked life better before, but there it is. The good outweighs the bad and it's sick twisted shit to say so. My wife's departure might make me feel quite similarly. Like a liberated failure. My self-criticism over my daughter's leaving us fades with passing time, but it's never gone. I don't feel worthy of feeling okay about it and I've got reasons. I don't like feeling less awful, but the numbing of the pain is helpful and I realize that. Eternal torment is pointless, even if I might deserve it. This buzzkill is yours for four easy payments of awkward silence and innocuous small talk. Don't delay, call today.
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Post by lessingham on Dec 11, 2020 4:58:17 GMT -5
When my wife had cancer I did dream of how widowhood would be. But when she relapsed after surgery it scared the living shit out of me. I think the day dream is a sort of passive wish to rnd the marriage.
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Post by Anonymous Steve on Dec 14, 2020 16:23:45 GMT -5
Does/has any others here found it hard to have sympathy for your refusing spouse when they are going thru hardships unrelated to the bedroom? My wife is going thru an illness that is becoming chronic. Some times I wonder if it could eventually end her life. I care for her and don’t want to see her suffer, but at the same time I can’t say I am heart broken over it. Maybe its because I have fantasied a time or two about becoming a widower; I’m not proud of that. I see movies where a spouse is crying and feel like their life has fallen apart because they lost the love of their life. If I cried, it would be for the kids losing their Mom. Maybe when you turn your heart off to loving someone it waters down other emotions too. The most toxic aspect of a sexless marriage is that it turns you in on yourself. You gradually stop seeing your partner as an emotional person and then stop caring how they feel. You only see your own feelings, while the behaviors of your spouse become emotionless, psychopathically-rational games to fuck with you. This is why most of the folks posting on this board are in marriages that are clearly irretrievably dead. You're not going to fix a marriage unless you actually care about your partner as an emotional human being. Not that this alone is sufficient, of course.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 16, 2020 0:12:58 GMT -5
Does/has any others here found it hard to have sympathy for your refusing spouse when they are going thru hardships unrelated to the bedroom? My wife is going thru an illness that is becoming chronic. Some times I wonder if it could eventually end her life. I care for her and don’t want to see her suffer, but at the same time I can’t say I am heart broken over it. Maybe its because I have fantasied a time or two about becoming a widower; I’m not proud of that. I see movies where a spouse is crying and feel like their life has fallen apart because they lost the love of their life. If I cried, it would be for the kids losing their Mom. Maybe when you turn your heart off to loving someone it waters down other emotions too. The most toxic aspect of a sexless marriage is that it turns you in on yourself. You gradually stop seeing your partner as an emotional person and then stop caring how they feel. You only see your own feelings, while the behaviors of your spouse become emotionless, psychopathically-rational games to fuck with you. This is why most of the folks posting on this board are in marriages that are clearly irretrievably dead. You're not going to fix a marriage unless you actually care about your partner as an emotional human being. Not that this alone is sufficient, of course. ...and, your partner cares about you, and therein lies the real problem.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 28, 2020 1:50:42 GMT -5
I would never wish illness on my W, but when it comes to any other hardships, sure. I'm not proud of it, but there has always been a bit of "gee, I'd like to help or listen, but you know, fuck you...I'm busy being horny and resentful and you betrayed me, so what's my incentive to talk about this subject?"
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 28, 2020 7:21:28 GMT -5
I would never wish illness on my W, but when it comes to any other hardships, sure. I'm not proud of it, but there has always been a bit of "gee, I'd like to help or listen, but you know, fuck you...I'm busy being horny and resentful and you betrayed me, so what's my incentive to talk about this subject?" Starting dating made me deeply care about my wife's problems again. She was going to let me get laid or find herself divorced. In both cases, kindness was appropriate. She'd be sorting through a lot. She surprised me with a reset instead. A pretty good one. I was okay with all three. Maybe you gotta date? Getting laid makes us happy. Happy people are much better listeners/helpers.
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Post by h on Jan 4, 2021 17:46:06 GMT -5
I have a hard time having sympathy for my wife because most of her 'hardships' are self inflicted. I have tried offering her ideas to help change her circumstances but she doesn't want to change. For example, she often does things in her job in very inefficient ways for no other reason than that is the way she has always done them. There is no reason why she does them in that particular way and no reason why she can't change the process because she is mostly in charge of what process she uses. She ends up bringing home massive amounts of work that takes up far too much time and there is no extra pay for doing this work at home as it is a salaried position. As long as it gets done, her employer doesn't care where it is done or how long it takes. I've given her several possible ways to streamline this work and cut down on the time spent by automating some of it, but she refused to try new things (a problem of hers that spans her work, home life, and the bedroom).
For a while, I tried helping her with her work so she would have more time for me but that just resulted in me losing free time and gaining nothing from it. I stopped offering to help her and if she's up late doing work, that's her problem now. I'm not going to feel sorry for her when she brings it on herself.
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