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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 23, 2021 13:43:46 GMT -5
If I was ever going to like it, I would have thought that during the highly-sexed beginning of a relationship would be the time I'd enjoy it and 'get used' to it? ---- And there's something I've noticed about *myself* (it may apply to other people, but being somewhat repressed, I've never asked anybody...) : at the beginning of relationships I seem much more open to experiment and sexual honesty, than I am when I'm settled down with a partner. Instead of feeling *more* comfortable and more able to trust them, I find myself closing in and being more repressive about unfamiliar stuff. Yeah, I know I've got problems I'm just not quite sure what they are! ----- This is not an uncommon behavior in marriages, affairs, and non-monogamous arrangements -- people feel often feel more adventurous with others than they do their own partner. It might be helpful to explore your own behaviour in this regard. To be clear, my comment wasn't so much focusing on the choice of porn, but rather the whole misogyny narrative you'd welded to his choice of porn, and to him, and to anyone who has a sexual preference that includes that act. This narrative usually isn't isolated to a just piece of porn, but rather exists in a larger context of what someone thinks men are like and women are like. To be fair, I'm ascribing my own observations among a lot of my more hardcore feminist acquaintances, who constantly post absurdly disparaging comments about men and masculinity - while at the same time lamenting their inexplicable lack of success with men in their lives (and blaming them for not wanting them). That may not at all be the case with you - but I can tell with them that they have a bit of a blind spot as to how they have contributed to their own sexual isolation, and are unwilling to hear an alternative view because their whole worldview depends on men being awful (which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in terms of the men they seek out, whose relationship goals aren't at all affected by the fact that they hate men). That's where I'm going with this, and am putting it out there - but I don't see it as definitively the case for you. Given that it's one of the most common fantasies and "off-road" sexual acts, why do you think it is that none of them asked you for this? That strikes me as worth consideration - seems unusual to me. We're close to the same age. Especially given the pattern you've described above, which is that you tend to close up when you are with someone longer term. Is there something in common with the men you are choosing? With the men who seek you out? What about the overall context of sexual adventure - how do you react when an invested partner asks you to try a thing that seems unfamiliar to you? You mentioned your bodyweight/size as a factor here - I've been with women of all shapes and sizes - some acts can be more difficult to do with larger women and men. Possibly, but historically sexual norms have included it as norm in various societies long prior to the Internet. I guess there's a lot of why-chasing there. It looks to me though that you are still faced with the same issue that all of us face, whether in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship - which is a household and lifestyle in which you are married to a partner who isn't into you that way, and you need to figure out what to do. Instead, you are focusing on what's fair, cosmic justice, what you should be entitled to - and thus what to do about it if you want to have love and intimacy in your life again and as part of your home, rather than a daily reminder of its absence where you want it most. That's a normal reaction at this point - I've been there too. When I was in my own non-monogamy experiment - and sex between my wife and I again began falling behind - I got so frustrated with it. I had framed the attraction and marriage as the amazing exotic and rare benefit that she could have - something the few close friends who knew about it all were jealous of and couldn't understand why she would do her best to screw it up, every single time. I thought, the harder I tried to tolerate and accommodate how she continued to press outward with other partners, while shutting me out or placating, the more she would soon realize how devoted I was and finally JOIN the marriage to me. Attraction doesn't work that way though. It doesn't matter what you deserve. There is no cosmic justice that will make it worth it somehow in the end. It's not a Meg Ryan romantic comedy. What matters is the attraction. It sounds like you don't have a sexual relationship with your partner, and that this causes you pain. It sounds like he doesn't see you as a sexual partner, regardless of who else he does see as a partner. And, he may have his own sexual issues. So where's your thinking on what happens next?
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 23, 2021 14:16:57 GMT -5
Prefacing: you, like anyone, are entitled to preferences. I'm not discussing that here. Regarding anal sex, there are two main factors - that define the experience: a partner's desire and ability to receive it (much like vaginal sex, one's mental state toward it can affect the body's ability to receive it), a partner's skill in delivering it, including the use of lubricant in the appropriate amounts. Your personal experience with it, one time with one person, was not an objective reading that applies to all of it. Many men and women do not find it to be painful at all. How do you know it wasn't her requesting that experience? I've had more than one girlfriend or prospective girlfriend explain to me plainly that they enjoyed and wanted anal sex and that it was an important part of their sex lives. Many people enjoy pain within a safe or controlled context in their sex lives (whether anal or through some other method), as a way of feeling "not in control" for a while - they want to feel "not in charge" or "taken" by someone else. Many people need this or some other form of intensity, in fact, as the only way they can get out of their heads enough to experience pleasure. Hello Apocrypha, Well, oddly enough, my one and only attempt at it was with my H. when we first got together. We had only been seeing each other for about a month (so sex levels were still pretty high!) but I had to have a medical procedure (for the removal of dodgy cells on the cervix that *may* one day turn cancerous if they're not got rid of...) which meant NO PiV sex for 4 weeks whilst healing. 4 weeks, when you're just getting together sexually, is a bloody long time! So I tried a different route. It didn't work :-( If I was ever going to like it, I would have thought that during the highly-sexed beginning of a relationship would be the time I'd enjoy it and 'get used' to it? Your comment about the lack of sex possibly as a 'downstream result' of my disgust at his porn choice.... well the first time he ever knew I felt that way was when I emailed him the copy of my first post on here about 2 months ago. The first cessation of our sex life was 20 years ago, and the 2nd 6 years ago. (which does show a huge absence of communication over the years, I'll admit!) I'm nearly 54 and certainly didn't live as a nun before I married ; left home at 18, married at 27. I had plenty of partners and experience before meeting my H. (2 long term 'living with' relationships, several 'dating' relationships, and even a few one-night-stands. But *none* of those partners ever asked for anal, and it never occurred to me that anal could be a 'normal thing'. Handy : your comment about 'gut bacteria' struck a chord with me. Sticking a penis into a possible pile of poo never seemed very sexy to me.... ? I totally agree with apocrypha that anal sex is an activity that many couples enjoy, this from personal experience. I have been fortunate enough to have had quite a few partners, and all but one, enjoyed the anal sex they had with me. The one exception was my 1st W and i attribute that to my (our)inexperience. Neither of us had tried it before so we did just about everything wrong. In the decades following my 1st divorce i gained a lot of experience and knowledge. Physical pleasure from anal I believe revolves around two or three criteria I think. !) Both partners must want to engage in the act. 2) The female must be thoroughly aroused, usually through other sexual activity, PIV or oral. Inserting lubrication into the anus with fingers should be part of the preparation/arousal process The penis should also be coated with some type of lube. 3) The male partner must be patient in the early stages of penetration until he's fully accepted into her anus and even then he should proceed slowly as he withdraws and reenters her until she is well loosened up. Slow and censual is the rule until the female indicates she would like it faster or rougher. Many women can and do experience orgasm from anal penetration. My 2nd W was this way. In my 20's I knew one woman that preferred anal over other forms of sex. So there are psychological and physical factors in bringing about a pleasurable experience for both partners. And as to fecal matter ruining the experience I never found it to be an issue. Usually fecal matter isn't present in the anus portion of the bowels in much quantity. If it is a concern then all that's necessary is for the woman to have an enema an hour or so prior. That will clean up the portion penetrated by a penis. Of coarse the male partner will still need to wash off his penis afterward to remove any bacteria that might still be present.
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Post by jerri on Jan 24, 2021 3:13:08 GMT -5
My number one desire is anal, because the clitoral plus anal experience is the most intense orgasm I have ever had. Do I get anal no! Not for a very long time! I won't even reveal liking anal unless I am sure he loves it! If l may, and please disregard my comments if it has already been mentioned. I had to undo all programming! And I don't mean maybe. I also think most people are not a candidate unless they are eager to please. I could be wrong, butt one needs to be more eager to please than sickened by the what ifs with anal. And if bodily fluids grosses one out, I suggest reprogramming with visualization during a meditation is fine. Maybe this would be appropriate for someone who needed it slow. 1. Communication with him 2. Lube - use both silicone and a water based lube. 3. Pinky finger+ filed nails 4. With washed, evacuated bum- pinky promise to endure little by little. Use the pinky finger only. It will feel like you are going to evacuate but you are going to have to get psychologically over that! Don't worry nothing will happen, but make sure is that you are not sick. If you have been sick in the last 24 hours there will be a mess to clean up. Just Don't! 5. Do not tense up at all -the more you tense up the more it will hurt. A good way to get hurt is to not be relaxed and of course it's hard so you are going to have to prepare yourself ahead of time. 6. Ask yourself how you did? If you felt pain I would suggest an anal training slim plug. You determine which size finger you accept next. 7. Train yourself- ? Is there a need to? Thousands of nerve endings which feel Devine, butt paradoxically one has to can't past the psychological impact that it has and just enjoy the sensation!In my opinion that takes time. I certainly moved through pain. ETA: after reading comments, I like other comments better As Belleruth Naperatck says- take what you like and leave the rest. www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Guide-Anal-Sex-Women/dp/1573442216
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Post by jerri on Jan 24, 2021 5:01:18 GMT -5
After reading the comments here. There's also a good amount the population who also don't like anal, male and female. It shocked me to read both sides in a forum. I would love to see a poll here.
I just love being bent over, but FWBs wife was taught it is degrading to be bent over for anal or vaginal. I am very comfortable with sex, but I will hide my sexuality. He has to gingerly pull it out of me. Are more open minded people more likely to like anal? Hmm.
FYI H liked prostate stimulation. Butt when he is not stimulated he acts haughty.
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Jan 24, 2021 8:10:50 GMT -5
After reading the comments here. There's also a good amount the population who also don't like anal, male and female. It shocked me to read both sides in a forum. I would love to see a poll here. I just love being bent over, but FWBs wife was taught it is degrading to be bent over for anal or vaginal. I am very comfortable with sex, but I will hide my sexuality. He has to gingerly pull it out of me. Are more open minded people more likely to like anal? Hmm. FYI H liked prostate stimulation. Butt when he is not stimulated he acts haughty. Perhaps part of my dislike of this, is because I thought it was much *less* normal than I am now discovering? And not just because *I'd* never been asked for it. (the time I tried, and failed, was my idea) They one and only time this subject came up in conversation with my closest 4 female friends about 3-4 years ago (we're all much the same age) -after a couple of drinks obviously to loosen up the British Stiff Upper Lip - only one of our number didn't say (the equivalent of) ewwww. She had tried it and her take on it was 'well, it was okaaay', didn't hurt too much but didn't do too much for her either, kinda neither here-nor-there..... So that's 80% in my age range (of similar nationality) who think like me on this. Perhaps we're all weird Don't mind being 'bent over' for PiV, mind you...
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Post by jerri on Jan 25, 2021 1:42:50 GMT -5
So would it help to start mirroring his desires to get a few of your own?
If you went to a real sex therapist. I'm not kidding, both of your desires would be validated
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 26, 2021 18:56:49 GMT -5
Well, oddly enough, my one and only attempt at it was with my H. when we first got together. We had only been seeing each other for about a month (so sex levels were still pretty high!) but I had to have a medical procedure ... which meant NO PiV sex for 4 weeks whilst healing. 4 weeks, when you're just getting together sexually, is a bloody long time! So I tried a different route. It didn't work :-( If I was ever going to like it, I would have thought that during the highly-sexed beginning of a relationship would be the time I'd enjoy it and 'get used' to it? ---- And there's something I've noticed about *myself* (it may apply to other people, but being somewhat repressed, I've never asked anybody...) : at the beginning of relationships I seem much more open to experiment and sexual honesty, than I am when I'm settled down with a partner. Instead of feeling *more* comfortable and more able to trust them, I find myself closing in and being more repressive about unfamiliar stuff. Yeah, I know I've got problems I'm just not quite sure what they are! ----- From what I understand, your experience is common. Research indicating physical arousal can mute revulsion even when it isn't sexual: slate.com/human-interest/2020/06/sex-husband-grosses-me-out-advice.htmlI heard a podcast about the subject that said the frequency of oral sex goes down faster than vaginal. Possibly/likely related?
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Jan 27, 2021 9:30:51 GMT -5
Hello mirrororchid, Well, it's nice to know that, in this particular instance, I'm not a weirdo :-)
Maybe we've mostly been brought up with the idea (or the 'implied' idea) that the longer you're with a partner, the better you know them, the more you trust them, the easier it is to try different things out with no judgment etc. Perhaps this is to make the 'more moral' choice of monogamy, more attractive?
I've had ideas about the 'why' of certain sexual mores ; ones that *I* have internalised as well, I'm not sneering at anybody with this... The idea being that, in a 'social evolution' sort of way, females have to show a certain amount of interest in sex because the mate won't stay with a 'fridge'. But not *too* much interest, or the mate won't like taking the risk of bringing up somebody else's offspring, as a very sexually interested female may want to have sex with other males. (I believe this idea is lurking well down in the subconcious ; not something we *actually* think about...)
This could be a bit of a balancing act which may confuse the issue of who really wants what!
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Post by Handy on Jan 27, 2021 12:18:18 GMT -5
Gladifoundthisforum The idea being that, in a 'social evolution' sort of way, females have to show a certain amount of interest in sex because the mate won't stay with a 'fridge'. But not *too* much interest, or the mate won't like taking the risk of bringing up somebody else's offspring, as a very sexually interested female may want to have sex with other males. (I believe this idea is lurking well down in the subconcious ; not something we *actually* think about...
I sort of agree with this idea. How about adding on the idea/myth that some people expect the male to take the lead and if the female takes the lead, the male is inept in some way. This is a second reason for male shame or embarrassments, not knowing what works and how to "do it the right way" when it comes to sexuality.
"do it the right way" means what each person likes or dislikes sexually.
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Jan 28, 2021 3:49:22 GMT -5
Hi Handy, '...... expect the male to take the lead............' Ah, that's a good point, hadn't thought of this!
Maybe that's why I feel so wrong/silly initiating sex (as, subconciously, I think it's 'not my job') and perhaps he rejects me as he thinks (subconciously of course!) that I'm 'showing him up'(which is slightly insulting) because he's not doing 'his job'??
ooohh, we humans are a mess of contradictions :-)
(I'm off for another 3 days or so of 'elderly parent trouble' now, see you all later....)
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